Chapter 35
THIRTY-FIVE
I’ve never been more terrified than I was at this moment. Astrid wanting to talk could either mean she was finally allowing me back in her life or she was hearing me out so she could close the chapter of us once and for all.
I couldn’t do that. Not when she hadn’t even been a chapter in my life; she was a whole damn series.
She was so fucking beautiful, and I regretted all the times I didn’t acknowledge it.
It wasn’t that I never found her attractive; it was just easier to ignore my feelings for her and mute them because if she was just a friend, then nothing could break us apart.
How naive was I to think that friendships couldn’t be ruined?
Her hair was up in a messy bun, with blonde strands falling loose and framing her face. She wore a cream blouse and a pair of tan shorts that looked amazing on her shapely legs.
Legs I knew felt damn fucking good wrapped around my waist.
If I lost her now, it would fucking kill me. Especially now that I knew how she tasted, felt her coming around my cock, and the way she gave me that smart-ass mouth without hesitation was something I wanted her to only do with me.
“I’m sorry about the other day,” I let her know. I felt sick when she threw it in my face that I had failed her once before. I wanted to show her I wasn’t that stupid teen anymore, but it seemed like I kept choking where she was concerned.
Nothing against Collin. Shit wasn’t his fault either. None of it would have happened if people hadn’t been up their asses and treated everyone with kindness. Collin had been looking to fit in, and in wanting to be cool, he ended up hurting Astrid.
“I didn’t think to warn you that Collin might want to talk to you.”
She fiddled with the hem of her shorts.
“You talk to him a lot?”
“He had just gotten out of the hospital when I beat the shit out of him.”
Astrid winced at my honesty, but she didn’t seem surprised.
“Why would you do that?” she whispered.
I took a step toward her, and when she didn’t move back, I felt a bit of relief.
“Because he hurt you,” I admitted. “He wasn’t even mad at me for it.
He knew it was thanks to you that things didn’t get any worse.
Collin was an outcast, and he wanted to fit in.
Instead of being honest or not submitting to peer pressure, he chose to blame you as well because he couldn’t handle the fact that everything got ruined because of him. ”
She gave me a sad little smile that made my chest ache.
Her nose scrunched and I knew she did that when she didn’t want to cry.
God, I really needed her in my arms. We used to do that all the time when we were little.
Console one other—cry in each other’s arms. When did we lose that?
She was my rock after I lost my mom, how could I have been so stupid and not been hers?
“So, I was just a convenient scapegoat?”
“No,” I told her as I took another step closer.
“It was all my fault,” I admitted.
At this, Astrid seemed confused.
I tentatively took hold of her hand. Astrid looked at where our hands were joined and then back at my face.
“We used to hold hands all the time when we were little,” I reminded her of the fact.
“I know,” she replied.
“Why did we stop?”
Astrid shrugged and, like me, had no answer. She let herself be led to the office where we had a couch. Once she sat down, I crouched in front of her and took both her hands in mine.
“I think I’ve been in love with you my whole life,” I told her, and the only indication that she had heard me was her sharp intake of breath.
“You were my everything. You were like sunshine on my gloomiest days. When my mom passed away, everyone said I gained an angel in heaven, and I didn’t understand that, but what I did know is that I had one with me at all times… that was you, Astrid.”
I took a deep breath because getting everything out when I had repressed it for so long was harder than I thought it would be.
“When I was a little kid, I adored you. As I got older, I was devoted to you. It was you and me against the world. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with you, but I was fucking scared of losing you.”
Astrid blinked, and a tear fell out.
“I don’t understand,” she said in disbelief. She tried to pull her hands from mine, but I wouldn’t let go. “Did you know how I felt about you, too?”
I almost paused to question her on her own feelings, but I shelved it for later. Hearing her say that did give me some hope that I wasn’t too late.
“No. I mean, there were moments when I thought we had something more, but I never let myself think or act on it… Look at my dad… For half my childhood, he was a dead man walking because of Mom. EZ and Sabby were fucking in love. It’s been eight years and EZ hasn’t moved on…
I told myself being your friend was all we could be because that way I would never lose you…
I didn’t want to risk losing you.” I let out a humorless chuckle. “And it still happened anyway.”
“It was unfair for me to expect you to pick your girlfriend over me,” Astrid said. Her words were low and controlled, and I knew she was trying to keep her emotions in check.
I squeezed Astrid’s hands in mine. For reassurance and to make sure I had her attention.
“There shouldn’t have been a choice at all. It was you. It has always been you, Astrid, and even if you don’t want me, it will always be you.”
Her eyes looked in mine, and they were filled with wonder, but also with pain.
“Sam was always jealous of you,” I added.
Astrid scoffed.
“She was jealous of me?”
“You were smart, had a scholarship, and knew what you wanted. And even if I didn’t show it, you had me wrapped around your little finger. I might have dated other girls, but I was never theirs because I was already yours.”
This was the part that was going to hurt her, and so far, she was still letting me hold her. All I could do was hope she didn’t pull away now.
“You were going to college, you wanted to go out and explore what the world had to offer, and I was going to stay here. I wanted to grow the business and help my dad out. I was dreading college because you would leave, and no one would be intimidated by the fact that you had a guy best friend. Our history wouldn’t mean anything to them.
You would go out and date, and I would stay behind in this small town.
When Sam accused you of ruining prom, I could have done more in that moment, but all I could think of was that you were hurting.
I didn’t go to Sam because I chose her over you.
I went with her because I wanted her to stop making shit worse for you. ”
I winced at the next part because it made me sound like a fucking ass, and I found it hard to stare into those hazel eyes.
“I was going to have a word with her in private. I didn’t feel right bitching her out in front of everyone. Not when I had shared many of my firsts with her, and I knew she was acting that way because of her insecurity toward you.”
When I met her gaze again, she was blinking away tears.
“In trying to remain friends, we made a mess of everything,” she confessed.
Her small hands in mine were the only thing keeping me grounded at this point. When I let go of them, I could see the disappointment in her eyes.
I took this as a sign to keep going. With my thumb, I brushed the underside of her eye and removed the moisture that had gathered there.
“I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you,” I confessed.
Astrid took a shaky breath.
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
I stood up and paced in front of her. My hand went through my hair as I searched for the right words to say. The words I wanted wouldn’t come. Then I turned around, and I saw her sitting there, looking lovely as ever, but she was in pain. There was only one thing that mattered to me.
“Why are you here, Astrid?”
“I don’t know,” she confessed, but it sounded like a lie.
This couldn’t be all we had. A trail of broken promises and half-truths to cover up the feelings both of us had raging inside us.
I had been careful with Astrid. I did not want to push her because I feared I would lose her for good. But I also didn’t want to be in this standstill forever.
“I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” I finally spoke my truth, and her eyes widened. “I couldn’t stand to sit back and be a passenger in your life…not when I want to be so much more.”
Astrid stopped breathing for a few seconds, taking in the information, and I knew laying all my cards on the table was the only way this would work.
Being scared got me nothing—it left me alone and hollow for four years.
This time, when I crouched in front of her, my face was right by hers—we were so close I could breathe in her uncertainty.
“I wasn’t any of your firsts,” I said, allowing the bitter words to coat my tongue. “But I sure as fuck want to be your last.”
As soon as the words were out, there was no taking them back. I brought one of my hands behind her head and finished pulling her toward me. This time, there was no hesitation on her part. She wrapped both her hands around my neck, trying to pull me closer.
My own hands wandered down to her waist. When I got up, she stood with me, neither one of us wanting this moment to die. She moved with me until her back was pressed against the bit of wall space next to the couch.
In the back of my mind, something told me this was the last thing I should be doing, but I couldn’t stop.
How long did it take for something to become an addiction?
Because I could count on one hand the times I’ve had Astrid’s lips on mine, and I knew there was no way in hell I could ever give them up.
“All I…” Kiss. “…can think of…” More panting, more kissing. “…is you…” I confessed into her mouth.
I had been starving this whole time, and the only person with the power to quench my thirst had been her.