Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
Absolutely nothing could bring me down from the high I was currently experiencing.
Was it life high or post-orgasm glow? I wasn’t sure, but I was going to roll with it.
Nothing was going to make it go away, not even the single flower that had been on my desk when I got to work this morning.
I was in too much of a good mood to let it mess with me.
Out of sight, out of mind. I took the stupid flower—probably stupid on my part—and threw it in the garbage.
When Ronnie came to work, he was in a mood, but since he stayed in his office, he was easy enough to ignore. With the mayoral campaign going strong, a lot needed to get done. Since political coverage wasn’t my thing, my workload was lighter.
“Don’t forget about my wedding party next week,” Ori had reminded me as we headed toward our cars. Since she was a political reporter, next week would have her all over the county, and I wouldn’t see much of her.
Her small celebration was fast approaching, and I was going to have to break the news to Ty that I wouldn’t be home and explain why I couldn’t take him.
Going with a man to a wedding was like the ultimate form of coming out, and so far, we hadn’t made it out of my room.
My parents still didn’t know he was coming over—at least, I hoped they didn’t.
It’s more of an embarrassment thing at this point than being ashamed.
I was excited to go and celebrate Ori, but I was also going to be Rachel’s moral support. It turns out her man was Ori’s husband’s best friend.
All that drama aside, this week had been productive.
I was already starting to plan my next spotlight article.
In one of our many sleepover pillow talks, I admitted to Tyler that even if things still had been rocky between us, I would have caved and ended up writing an article on Kanes’ Auto.
Now I would wait until they at least broke ground on the remodeling.
That way, the people could get excited about the changes that were to come.
When I got home, I didn’t even bother to go into my house; instead, I made a beeline for Rachel’s.
“Where’s Prescott? I had expected him to be here,” I questioned Rachel as I walked into her house. Ever since she made peace with her ex-husband, he’s been spending his nights here.
I made appearances here and there, but since Ty had been spending nights at my house, it kept Rach and I from digging too much into the other’s business.
“He couldn’t make it today. He had something to do.” Rachel shrugged it off, but I could tell it bothered her.
If I could talk to Tyler after four years of heartbreak, she could face her fears, too.
“Why are you still here?” I demanded as I pointed to the drawer where she stored the notes her ex-husband would write her. Notes she had refused to read, and it’s been months since she got the first one.
That was probably why Rachel and I got along so well. We were both runners. We found running away from our problems easier than dealing with them. We were kindred spirits that way.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
I crossed my arms and began to tap my foot impatiently.
The one thing that stuck with me was the wonder on Ty’s face when I touched him. The awe in his voice because I had initiated contact. He had been starving for me, and I had kept that from him. Was Rachel holding back the same way I was?
“I mean, why don’t you go over to be with him? I’m sure he will love that.”
“Oh, I don’t want to impose.” She waved me off.
“Don’t do that, Rach.”
“Do what?”
Was this how stubborn I had been these past few weeks? Ty was a saint for putting up with me.
“Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you,” I told Rach, hoping that if I called her out, it would give her strength.
Look at me, the pot calling the kettle black.
“What am I doing?” Rachel stared me down.
We all needed someone to call us out on our bullshit, right?
“You can’t be half in with something like this. You are either all in, or you want nothing at all.”
I had to admit that I wasn’t sure if I was speaking just about her.
“It’s not that simple,” she bit back. “I can’t go back to that town.”
Her lips quivered, and boy was that sentiment one I knew too well.
“Now that, I get. Do you think I wanted to come back home after I tried so hard to get away from this freaking place?”
Rachel didn’t say a word, so I kept going.
“At one point, my whole graduating class hated me.” I shrugged it off like it wasn’t a big deal. Like that single event didn’t alter my brain chemistry. “Now, I could either let their opinion of me run me off, or I could be brave and not let their bullshit and their opinions bother me.”
It was at that moment where I realized one single act was still defining me. I refused to invest myself fully in this town. I kept to where I felt safe, the places I knew no one would disrupt the bubble walls I had surrounded myself with, and the moment that got threatened, I ran.
I didn’t want to run anymore.
“What happened?” Rach asked.
This was it, wasn’t it? My moment to be brave. It was past the time that I opened the can of worms that had been infesting me since leaving this town.
While I found the words to say, I headed for her coffee station and made myself a latte.
“It was teenager stuff. Something got out of hand, and I believed I did the right thing, but everyone started to call me a snitch, and the rest was history.”
“Is that why you don’t talk to Ty?” she asked instead of pressing me for more.
I turned around, and a bittersweet smile coated my lips.
“Ty used to be my best friend.” I tried to shrug it off because I had never talked about it all out loud, and even if it was getting better, it still stung.
“Sure, I had a crush on him—nearly every girl in our grade did—but I never interfered with any of his girlfriends or was that friend that tried to get him to pick our friendship over them. Senior prom was when everything changed. His girlfriend at the time didn’t like me at all.”
I took a deep breath before I could continue.
“She was a bit of a low blow for me. I realized I had feelings for Ty when I was in eighth grade, and I remember thinking back then that if I looked more like her, he would notice me… Fast-forward to high school. She’s not only someone I kept comparing myself to, but she was taking all the firsts I had once imagined having with him. ”
I had to pause to take another deep breath because the last thing I wanted was to start bawling like a baby.
“Prom night was one of the first nights I felt like I was coming into my own skin. My best friend had always been a guy. I didn’t know much about makeup or fashion trends, but that day I felt beautiful… I might not have gone with the person I wanted to go with, but I didn’t let that ruin my night.”
I took a sip of my coffee as I recalled all the details. I told myself I would let them hurt me one last time, and then I would put them to rest.
“What happened?” Rachel’s voice was soft.
“A guy who got peered-pressured into drinking because he wanted to fit in ended up having an allergic reaction…his face immediately got red and splotchy, then it began to swell.”
I could hear Rachel’s sharp intake of breath.
“My first reaction was to call for help.”
“Prom got ruined, didn’t it?” Rach guessed.
I looked down at the floor and nodded.
“Ty’s girlfriend got pissed and started calling me a snitch.
She said I ruined prom because I was jealous that I didn’t get to go with her boyfriend.
Everyone turned against me for ruining prom.
I remember Ty not saying anything, just taking his girlfriend’s hand and leading her away.
Then the cops got there, and they shut everything down.
We were lucky they didn’t fine us for underage drinking.
I guess they felt pity for us since our special night was already ruined. ”
“You wanted Tyler to stand up for you?” Rachel’s question was rhetorical, and all I could do was nod.
“Ty was my friend, and I thought he’d at least stand up for me, but he didn’t say anything, and to me, that was him picking a side, and it wasn’t mine,” I whispered, letting it cut me open one last time.
There was a pregnant pause for a while until Rachel broke the silence.
“He notices you,” Rach said. “You walk into a room, and all Tyler can see is you.”
I gave Rachel a small smile. This was about her, it was not the time for me to be telling her I felt the same way about Ty.
“Your turn,” I said, tipping my coffee toward her.
It was my turn to keep it together while she broke apart this time.
“Saying he makes me happy makes me feel like an idiot,” she whispered, perfectly describing my current situation.
“Love makes a fool out of all of us,” I joked, because we had to be able to find the bright side in things, right?
Love wasn’t linear. There was no right or wrong way to do it. Loving someone was acknowledging the fact that you were vulnerable but you would trust that person not to hurt you.
Tyler had hurt me, that was true, but he only had pieces of me. We held our friendship pact so tight we were cut by the jagged pieces we left behind.