Chapter 28 #2
I touch the fabric like I’d caress the cheek of a sleeping baby.
I stare at my father—his rich baritone vocals sing in my head while I remember what his shaggy chestnut hair felt like and how funny he could be.
I stare at my mother’s long, flame-colored hair and hear the twang in her mezzo-soprano.
She used to dance her fingers across my freckles and claim this one was brand new and it was the best one yet.
And that’s me—a face transposed on cotton—sharing the features of the two people next to me. As happy and alive as ever.
Jonah pays the vendor for five shirts (because we can’t forget about Aunt Amber), and Lo doesn't seem bothered in the least that her adult-size shirt will be too big for years to come.
The next vendor we stop at is at the behest of Jonah. There are cases upon cases of handmade jewelry featuring every shade of stone and gem under the rainbow. Loretta points to one wedged between velvet rows intermixed with other inexpensive rings.
“That one?” I ask.
She cannot stop her body from wiggling as I pluck the ring.
It’s gold and adjustable, with four emerald-green stones that create a sparkling clover design.
Jonah catches me slipping the ring on her index finger and tightening it to fit.
He doesn’t say anything. Lo fans out her hand and bends her wrist, admiring its splendor.
“That one is lovely,” I say softly. “Do you think it will bring you good luck?”
Her eyes, the same color as the stones glinting on her finger, dazzle with magic.
“I think it will too,” I whisper.
A portly white woman with gray hair leans over the counter to speak to Lo. “That one was made for you.”
Delta pops her head between us to see for herself. “Can I get one too?”
“I’m afraid that’s the last one.” The vendor sighs, but doesn’t appear to be that disappointed in Delta’s frown.
“But... I do have a matching necklace.” She pulls a necklace from the rack on the next table, and dangles the fine gold chain in front of Delta, displaying the emerald green clover leaf pendant against the back of her hand.
Both Jonah and Delta whip their heads in my direction, and at the same time ask, “Can I?”
We leave the tent a minute later, the girls one piece of jewelry richer, and Jonah eighty dollars poorer.
“Should we head back to our seats?” he asks, and flings back a handful of warm candied almonds he snagged for us. My girls’ mouths are full of said candied almonds, but they agree wordlessly. “Hold up,” Jonah says, and stops us again. “One more thing.”
We follow him into a tent where instrument straps cover every square inch.
“Everything you see here is handmade by me,” the vendor boasts in a southern accent. “And I can customize anything you want.”
Jonah casually points to me. “She’s looking for a strap.”
I have to close my eyes and bite my tongue because my mind immediately goes to an inappropriate place.
The young man behind the table doesn’t look the least bit phased. “Alright, let me help you. What kind of instrument?”
I smile and wave him off. “I don’t need one right now. I don’t even know where my mandolin is.”
“Mom, look how pretty this one is,” my daughter says from the other side. She holds out a woven strap and as I step closer, the details come into focus. All different shades of blue and purple stitched into striking florals. “You should get this one.”
“I have exactly that one in the size you need,” the man adds. “And I can stamp the leather buckles with any design you like right here.”
It is so pretty and reminds me of one my mom had, but I shouldn’t be buying a new strap when I don’t even know where my mandolin is or what shape it’s in. “Maybe another time,” I say.
Suddenly Jonah’s hand is tugging mine and he herds me a couple steps away. “Come on. Let me get that for you.”
“You’ve spent enough on us already today. I don’t need this.”
“First of all, no, I have not spent nearly enough on you three today, so strike that from your excuses. And B, you do need this. You’ve reignited your passion, Renée! Let’s celebrate that with something new—something you choose.”
I didn’t have choice with my ex-husband. But I’ve been on my own for two years now. I’ve been the one to call the shots and design my life, and I’ve centered it around my daughters. It’s a natural instinct for parents to center their lives around their kids.
I think about what happened between me and Jonah in his living room the night after Delta’s party. This man pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me remember another love I once held. My music—and everything that touched it—was stripped away and weaponized by Greg.
Jonah saw it all and gave me the strength to play again.
I do need this strap. I need to start prioritizing the things that make me Renée and not just a mom.
“Okay,” I tell him. “I’ll get it.”
He lights up in his signature Jonah way, and the vendor shows me the leather buckle options. On one piece of leather, he brands a four-leaf clover per my request. And on the other, in stunning calligraphy, it reads "The Band Wilde."
Familiar music grows louder as we walk back to our private patio in the amphitheater, hand in hand.
Each of my children are distracted by their new pieces of jewelry, and before I can nudge them out of the way of a stranger who is also not paying attention, Jonah guides them out of the flight path without a second thought.
Fuck, that turns me on.
By the time we make it down the long aisle, I’m singing along to the lyrics.
My body absorbs the rhythm and Jonah absorbs me under his arm once again.
When the next song plays, he knows the lyrics and sings along with me.
His voice is much lower and not as refined, but I like the way it accompanies mine.
He chuckles, “Can you tell I’ve only ever been backup vocals? Actually, I was more like the backup for the backup.”
I take his hand in mine and he kisses it. “I like your singing voice. It might be the only mellow thing about you.”
He preens before me with all his teeth on display.
Towards the end of the song, the big screen behind the band shows a closeup of the lead singer, Desiree McKnight.
She’s a few years older than me and blew up with her band when I was in high school.
With long, dark, wavy hair, a girl-next-door face, and one of the most unique voices in bluegrass, I was enamored.
I’m tapping my toe way too fast and I force the shake away.
Greg was the kind of guy who appeared to be an ally, but his maddening opinion on bisexuality kept me in the closet because it was safer to not upset him.
I’m in charge of my own safety now. Fuck testing the waters. “I had a crush on her back in the day,” I admit to Jonah.
Pleasantly curious, he raises his eyebrows. “Really?”
“The summer after I graduated high school, we were playing at the same venue in North Carolina, and we kissed behind her tour bus.”
Mouth gaping, he looks between me and the big screen. Wheels are turning in his eyes like he’s heard the juiciest bit of drama. “Did you date?”
“I would have liked to, but no. We were both on tour, but we’d call each other sometimes. Then she went and fell in love with some actor and we never spoke again.”
“Ohhh,” he frowns. “I’m sorry.”
My heart expands and settles my nerves because he’s genuinely bummed for me. And I can tell he’s not doing that thing where he’s picturing two women kissing for his own personal satisfaction.
“It’s okay. It was a long time ago. No hard feelings.”
“Have you ever been with another woman?” he asks innocently enough.
I nod. “Not until Greg was gone. There were no feelings involved. Just...” I trail off and check to make sure the girls aren’t paying attention. “Just sex,” I mouth silently.
“I tried to date a man once,” Jonah says. That does surprise me. He continues, “A bunch of my family and friends are queer and so I thought I’d try it out.” He shrugs.
“Have you ever experienced attraction to men?”
He winces. “No, but I was determined to try. When we tried to kiss, I got scared. I may have…” He closes his eyes and sighs. “I may have ducked down to avoid it.”
I have to cover my inappropriate giggle with my hand.
“But that’s cool that you’re bi. Is that the right label for you?”
“Mhm.”
With a satisfied smile, Jonah tucks me in closer and rubs my arm. “Professor Renée Wilde,” he hums. “The bisexual biologist bluegrass bombshell.”
When the band on stage ends their set, the sky has turned a pinkish orange, bursting behind fat, sleepy clouds.
Much of the audience leaves or stretches their legs and mill about while recorded music plays and stagehands change out equipment.
Our server comes back around with an offering of blankets, and even though it’s not that cold, I do like the idea of sharing a blanket with Jonah.
He spreads the blanket over our laps with a shit-eating grin, but before we can settle back into each other, both of my girls join us, dragging their own blankets with them.
“Can we sit with you?” Delta asks, but she’s already settled her four-foot-six body in my lap.
I laugh. “Sure. Make yourself at home.”
Lo crawls into Jonah’s lap, which doesn’t surprise me as it once did.
But he still turns to me, asking with his eyes if this is okay.
I nod, and my heart swells with gratitude for Jonah once more.
Loretta is wary of men, and part of that was because of Greg, but part of that was me for keeping men as far away as possible.
Delta plays with her necklace in front of my face. “Mom you should go back and get one too so we can all match.”
“They only had those two.”
“Yeah, but maybe Jonah can buy you something different.”
I chuckle at her audacity. “I can buy my own jewelry, thank you very much.”
“What do you think I should buy her?” Jonah asks.
My daughters share a wide-eyed, conspiratorial look. “A big wedding ring.”
I choke. “Whoa, whoa, whoa—no ma’am.”
“Why not?” she whines. “You should marry Jonah. He’s so much nicer than daddy was.”
Jonah’s face turns beet red and he clamps his mouth shut.
I’m now reevaluating their casual indifference to us holding hands earlier. Are these two out of their minds? If I would have known going on one group date with this man would result in my kids getting their hopes up over something that will never happen, I would have reconsidered.
I maybe also should have seen this coming. This is the first person they’ve ever seen me be affectionate with since their dad. I have to remind myself that to them, affection equates to a happily ever after.
“You don’t need to worry about that,” I tell the girls. “Things between me and Jonah are very new, and we don’t know where it’s going,” I say, as gently as I can. “If anything changes, I will let you know. But for now, we’re just holding hands. Okay?”
She shares another look with her sister and huffs. “Fine.”
1. Know It All by Billy Strings