Chapter TWENTY
Lou
THEN
Christmas Eve, 21 Years Ago
I closed my eyes, feeling the longing in my veins rush to the surface as it only ever did in his company, but my stomach was sick at the reality of it all.
This was not meant to happen.
‘I tried,’
he said before I even turned around to face him.
‘I did my best to make other plans, to try and sever whatever this is, Lou, but no matter how I tried to convince myself we could leave it and move on in other directions, when I think of Christmas all I can think of is you.’
‘Ben …’
‘And when I think of my future,’
he continued.
‘all I can think of is you.’
I swallowed hard, knowing I was going to have to find more self-control than I’d ever done in my entire lifetime.
Everything had changed. I had to tell him so.
I pictured John, who’d already called me twice that morning to see how I was, even though it was the middle of the night in New York. I hoped that imagining his face and hearing his sweet voice in my head would snap me out of this dreamy world where all my plans could be changed by the right words from Ben Heaney, the one person I believed was truly right for me.
‘You should have told me you were on your way,’
I said, coaching my brain not to give in to emotion as I turned to face him in the rain.
‘I’d have made a place name for you. Or at least made sure there was an extra sausage roll or two.’
I didn’t want to look at his face. I needed to stay in control. This time was so different from the Christmas Eves before, and it was nothing to do with the fact that he wasn’t supposed to be here.
‘Don’t I get a hug at least?’
he asked, his arms outstretched. ‘Lou?’
I didn’t budge. He was still wearing his coat and scarf, having been stopped by the big family row the second he came back to Ballyheaney House.
I shook my head.
‘You don’t look very happy to see me,’
he said, his handsome face crumpling.
‘I’m always happy to see you, Ben.’
‘Well, tell your face that?’
he joked.
‘I know this year we’ve been busy, and we couldn’t see any plans through, but we’re here now, yeah? We can have a lovely Christmas together like we always do?’
I took a deep breath.
‘Like I said, I’m always glad to see you,’
I said, doing my best not to raise my voice.
‘But Cordelia told me you were in Berlin with some girl.’
‘Ah.’
‘Yes, Ben,’
I told him.
‘Ah!! Not that it’s any of my damn business who you spend your Christmas with.’
He shook his head.
‘I was going to meet a girlfriend, yes, but I couldn’t do it, so I called it off yesterday and booked a flight home instead,’
he told me. He looked over his shoulder before dropping his voice.
‘Lou, you and I had made an agreement to keep our distance until the time was right, but when Astrid invited me—’
‘Astrid?’
‘Yes, she’s the one I’ve been seeing lately, he mumbled.
‘It was getting serious and don’t get me wrong, she’s a beautiful person inside and out, but I panicked because I knew I wasn’t being honest with her. I also knew I wasn’t being honest with myself.’
I laughed, but it was only coming from a place of nerves. I wasn’t finding what he was telling me in the slightest bit funny.
‘Astrid. A beautiful person with a beautiful name,’
I spat, knowing I was being childish, especially when I’d spent the past few months getting to know John on a much, much deeper level. I’d even cried when he left to go home over a week ago, but I’d a very clear explanation for why I was so emotional.
‘Don’t say you ended it with her to come home to me? Don’t you dare say that.’
‘But I did!’
he exclaimed.
‘That’s exactly what I did.’
‘You can’t keep doing that, Ben!’
I tell him, not caring if Cordelia and the hired chef who were now getting stuff from a van, or anyone else for that matter, could hear me.
‘You can’t fall in love with other women, then get cold feet just because it’s Christmas and you know exactly where I’ll be as your safety net! Life isn’t as easy as that. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t work that way!’
‘Can we sit in the car? You’re soaked through.’
I agreed, but when he took his coat off and then his scarf, draping it on the back seat, I shut my eyes tightly.
I didn’t want to see the shape of his shoulders, the way his waist tapered in, how the belt hung around his hips or how his jeans fitted like a glove.
‘You’re right, it doesn’t work that way, but we could make it easier if we wanted to,’
he said, sitting far too close to me in the passenger seat.
‘I know we both want to, Lou. We haven’t addressed it before.’
‘You weren’t available.’
‘Lou, neither were you, but can we talk about how we can make it easier?’
he pleaded.
‘I only have one more year to do in Paris after this one, you’ll be finished in Belfast then too and we can make a proper effort to be together at last. I promise I’ll do everything I can to see you at least once a month between now and then.’
How I wished I could have said yes. He was finally saying what I’d always dreamed he would say.
I focused on breathing.
Outside, sleeting snow was landing on the manicured lawns of Ballyheaney House. The clatter from the kitchen and some tasty expletives from the hired-in chef brought me back to our days of laughter and fun there, as well as my overwhelming love for the place. A few feet away, Cordelia was running back inside to the kitchen with the chef. They’d soon be filling the air with savoury, fragrant aromas.
Not long after, the musicians would be doing their soundchecks, which would usually ramp up the excitement and add a beat to all of our steps, and when the first guests arrived the rush and adrenaline would be turned up to eleven.
Everything sounded the same as before, everything looked the same as before, yet everything had changed.
I sat like a statue in the front seat of my car, my hands clenched tight by my side while Ben leaned across and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. I couldn’t hold back any more. My arms folded around his waist and I leaned into him, inhaling every bit of him while knowing it was for the last time. Nothing and no one else could compare. He was my safe place, so comforting and familiar.
So Ben Heaney.
‘I tried to talk to you so many times this year, but you were never there,’
I whispered, allowing the tears to flow.
‘I was trying to stick to our agreement,’
he told me.
‘Your suggestion, not mine,’
I reminded him.
‘I missed you, but then I couldn’t do it to myself any more. I should have been more straight up with my feelings, maybe. I should have asked you straight out if you were ever going to say to me what you’re saying now.’
I sat back, peeling myself from the warmth of his arms. I didn’t want to move away, but I knew I had to.
‘So we’re here now. Better late than never, right?’
he suggested. He cupped my face in his hands, wiping away tears with his thumbs like he’d done so many times before.
‘We’re still so young, with the world at our feet, so why do we always come full circle? Why punish each other when the only place we ever want to be is together? That has to mean something.’
I bit my lip. I shook my head.
‘I’m sorry, but it’s too late,’
I told him.
‘I should have said more. You should have said more, but now it’s too late.’
He jolted. I’d never seen Ben cry before, yet he looked like he was going to break down.
‘No, Lou. How can you say that?’
he asked, his eyes creasing.
‘Lou, it’s me! We can make this work if we both want it badly enough. I know I do. Please tell me you do too? It’s never too late.’
I stared at the lane in front of me, where in only a few hours, a hundred and fifty people would make their way here without a care in the world, but for Ben and me it was the end of an era, the closing of a chapter of a story we thought might go on forever.
I couldn’t answer.
‘If it’s someone else,’
he said, his words catching in his throat.
‘I know you told me about the American guy, John. Is it him?’
I stared out the window as he focused on the footwell of the car.
‘I’m not saying I expect you to change anything if you’re happy, Lou,’
he continued.
‘Are you happy? I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes, but if you’re happy with him – well, some day I’ll learn to be happy for you. Do we walk away, Lou?’
‘What’s changed, Ben? Why now?’
He searched for answers.
‘Because I was meant to go and meet a girl in Germany and I realised I couldn’t do it,’
he told me.
‘It felt wrong. All I wanted to do was get back here to you as quickly as I could, so that’s what I did. My future is with you, not her. Not anyone else. Is it John?’
‘Yes, it’s John,’
I told him as gently and quickly as I could.
‘I can’t be with you because I’m with John.’
He went pale. It was like he stopped breathing. His jaw clenched and his hands trembled as he wiped a tear quickly with the back of his hand, nodding as he did so.
‘Is he a nice guy?’
he asked me.
‘Is he good to you, Lou? I only hope he’s good to you and that you’re happy.’
‘He’s good to me,’
I replied as the lump in my throat grew bigger.
‘Ben, it’s not as simple as me choosing him over you.’
‘Well, it sounds like that to me.’
‘No,’
I cried.
‘No, I don’t want us to leave it like this. I don’t want you to think I’m making a flippant choice or throwing my rattle out of the pram just because we’ve drifted apart! It’s bigger than that. Much bigger!’
He put his hand to his chest like I’d shot him.
‘How?’
he asked.
‘Are you in love with him?’
I almost choked on my reply, because the truth was, I didn’t even know the answer to that question.
‘Ben, I need you to understand that no matter how long it is between our visits or our conversations, nothing about how you make me feel will ever change, even though I wish it would. Even if I don’t see you for ten years or twenty years from now, it will never change how I feel inside, or how much I will always love you.’
His eyes lit up in a last glimmer of hope, so I knew I had to cut to the chase, and fast.
‘I swear, Lou,’
he told me, moving closer to me again.
‘I know we should have said so much more so much sooner, but—’
‘Ben, wait,’
I said, stopping him in his tracks for a final time.
‘I haven’t told you everything.’
I tried to say it. I tried to speak, but my breath kept catching every time I opened my mouth.
‘Are you OK?’
My mouth was dry.
‘I’ll be all right,’
I told him at last, panting out short breaths as the words spilled off my tongue like hot lava. I was far from all right, if truth be told. I’d never been so terrified in my whole life.
‘Well, that’s good.’
The irony hung in the air for what I was about to say.
‘I haven’t even had the guts to tell Mum yet,’
I told him.
‘I’ve no idea what my nana is going to say or what I’m going to do about university. I’m so scared, Ben.’
‘What is it?’
he asked, but I’d a hunch he knew what was coming.
‘I’m pregnant,’
I whispered, my hand finding its way on to my very slightly bulging tummy.
‘I can’t be with you because John and I are having a baby.’