Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Tess
The water pressure at the motel is abysmal, but I manage to wash the remnants of sleep off in record time as I prepare for the day. We didn’t have long to catch up last night, between the jet lag and Gary’s insistence that I get some rest. But today there’s a festival taking over downtown Loveless. Which means a chance to explore the town with my uncle, and to formally meet some of the people he calls his family. Calls my family, now, too.
Plus, there will be food trucks. Say less, am I right?
I drape a flowy sundress over my body, aiming for comfort rather than structure. A random thought flits through my mind— would Kit like it? Then I remind myself he’s likely sleeping off his overnight shift. And, more importantly, I shouldn’t care.
I study myself in the mirror as I apply a thin layer of sunscreen to my face. I’m my mother made over—same green eyes, same white-blonde hair. But is that Gary’s twinkle in my eye? Did my grandfather’s nose make it onto both our faces?
You don’t realize how precious it is to see yourself reflected back in the faces of your loved ones. In their mannerisms and in their stories. Not till they’re all gone and there’s no one around that carries a piece of you with them. It feels like you’re the tree falling in a forest without a soul nearby to listen. It’s easy to suspect you might not exist after all.
The woman who checked me in last night stands outside the office building, giving me a once-over as I pass. “You headed out to the festival, miss?” She pushes her glasses up the bridge of her arched nose, a half-burnt cigarette dangling between two fingers. I can’t tell if she’s the only worker or just owns the place, but I haven’t run into anyone else since I arrived, so I imagine she’s both.
I nod and offer her a smile. “I am. Want me to bring you back anything?”
“Well aren’t you sweet.” She knocks off the gathered ash on the tip of her cigarette, then takes a long pull. When she speaks again, smoke frames her exhaled words. “No one’s ever offered something like that. Half the time I’m not sure guests really even see me, you know? They just grab their keys and go.”
Boy, do I know how that feels. “What would you like?”
She shrugs. “Surprise me.”
I pop my sunglasses over my eyes. It’s early yet, but the sun is already beating down. It’ll be another scorcher of a day, though the breeze takes the edge off enough to breathe. “I can do surprises.”
“You going to see that cutie cop who dropped you off yesterday?” Her smirk is a little too knowing for my taste. I feel exposed, like she can see right past my skin to a heart that beats a little harder at even the allusion to Kit. “I tell you, sometimes I’m tempted to report a nonexistent crime just to get a look at him.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, letting the sting recenter my thoughts. “Oh, I don’t really know him. He was just doing my uncle a favor.”
“Who’s your uncle?”
I stand a little straighter, grateful for the change in topic. “Gary Barbeau. Used to own Nomads?”
What starts as a laugh morphs into a raspy cough. As if it’s personally offended her, she drops the remainder of the cigarette and squashes it beneath a well-worn tennis shoe. “I’m familiar. Even if he hadn’t run the only decent bar in town for years, everyone in Loveless knows everybody else.”
“Sounds familiar,” I mutter. My hometown, Fly Hollow, is no better. I still get piteous expressions everywhere I go, even more than a decade later. It’s as though people take one look at me and all they can see is the headline about my parents’ car accident. Which is why I try so hard not to be the grieving orphan they expect. I keep thinking if I can make myself bright enough, the rest will be hidden by my shadow.
“You have fun, all right? And don’t worry about getting me anything. It’s enough that you even thought to ask.”
“Have a good day…Marcy,” I say, reading her faded name tag. “And it’s no bother. I’m really just buttering you up in the hopes of getting extra towels.”
She laughs, what must be years of smoking turning the sound to a strained sort of music. “Consider it done.”
It’s only a few blocks from the motel to the first row of metal barricades marking the border of the festival. Traffic has been diverted to allow for pedestrians to roam the streets safely. Food trucks and vendor tents line each side of the main road through town. Businesses have their doors propped open despite the rising temperatures. Water bowls have been set up for the dogs being walked around by their owners. I scan the faces of the deputies manning the perimeter almost without realizing it, until disappointment at not recognizing them sinks like a stone through my chest.
I spot Gary on the same bench where we ate dinner last night, just like he promised. Zoey’s next to him, and a Black man with short hair and mirrored sunglasses sits at her other side, arm slung around her shoulders like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
She leans back and kisses his cheek, earning a smile that takes over his entire expression. It’s only a snapshot of a life, but it’s a happy one.
“Aren’t you a vision!” Zoey unravels herself from her partner’s arm and stands, stepping toward me with a raised brow. “I’m a hugger. Are you a hugger?”
“I’m an everything-er.” I open my arms and squeeze her when she fills them. A few strands of curly hair get caught on the breeze and fan across my face, tickling my nose. “So Zoey, and this is…?”
Her partner rises to his feet and offers his hand. “Aaron, her fiancé.”
She beams at that, and I borrow a bit of her sunshine for my own grin. “So nice to meet you both.”
“Chase and Eden were going to come, but with the heat they don’t think it’s a good idea for the babies to be out,” Gary explains. “But that’s the crew. Zoey bought the bar from me, allowing me to retire. Eden is her best friend and my second adoptive daughter.” He winks. I remember the photo he sent from Eden’s wedding, where he had the honor of walking her down the aisle. Seems like it’s his forte, taking care of people who need a father figure most. “If you’re up for a coffee, you can meet Rose. She and her husband own the cafe next door to the bar.”
I raise both brows, crumpling my forehead. “Marcy wasn’t kidding about everyone knowing each other here.”
“Your uncle just loves to take people under his wing. Father to the fatherless, this one,” Zoey says with an affected tone.
Gary chokes on his own spit, glancing at me nervously as he tries to clear the blockage. I’m not sure how much he’s told Zoey about my past, but concern pinches her expression in a flash. “Oh my God, Tess, I’m so sorry?—”
“It’s really okay,” I say, smile so wide it makes my cheeks ache. I learned a long time ago that if you fold your face in a grin, it disguises all the cracks you don’t want seen. “I knew what you meant.”
“You shoving your foot in your mouth again, Zo?”
A shiver runs down my spine at the sound of a familiar voice. I glance over my shoulder. Kit’s legs are long, and he manages to close the distance before I have the chance to fix my expression. I’m grateful for the sunglasses guarding my widened eyes. There’s nothing I can do to take back my popped-open lips, which his gaze lands on immediately.
He’s still in his uniform, which is a bit worse for the wear after a night spent working in it. Wrinkles galore, and a badge that’s a tad askew. Purple bruises have taken up residence beneath his eyes, which are more brown than green this morning, much to my chagrin.
I have a weakness for brown eyes.
“Shouldn’t you be asleep right now?” Zoey’s tone is taut. When I glance back at her, she’s shooting daggers at Kit that I don’t quite understand. Aaron elbows her, a laugh bubbling over his lips.
“Just wanted to take a stroll through the festival before getting some shut-eye.” Kit tilts his head, one brow raised. Whatever silent standoff they’re having, I think he’s winning on nonchalance alone. “That okay with you?”
Before Zoey can respond, Gary claps Kit’s shoulder. “Thanks again for giving Tess a ride, son.”
Surprisingly Kit’s expression turns sheepish. Not something I thought he’d be capable of feeling, but what do I know? I only rode in a car with the guy for a couple hours. I’d do well to remember that he’s hardly more than a stranger to me, albeit a handsome one.
“Happy to do it.” He meets my gaze once more, and any attempt at brushing these feelings off goes out the door. I don’t know how to describe it, the way I feel so stripped bare and also wrapped up tight. He looks at me, and I’m pinned in place, unable to breathe, waiting for the next words off his lips to set me free. As though he senses as much, he clicks his tongue and breaks our stare, glancing instead at the row of booths behind us. “Enjoy your day, Tess. Pretty sure there’s a booth for the local kickboxing place across the way. You know, if you’re interested.”
The giggle that spills out of me is embarrassingly high-pitched. “Noted.”
Aaron, Gary, and Zoey are looking at us like we’ve each grown two heads.
“Bye, y’all.” Kit tips his chin toward us, gaze flitting from face to face. It settles on mine for the longest heartbeat before darting away.
“That was so fucking weird,” Zoey mumbles.
Aaron flicks his fiancée’s hair. “Be nice.”
“Oh, Tess.” Gary makes a tsk sound. The sun bounces off his bald head as he shakes it, and I wonder for a second if he has sunscreen on or not. “You’ve broken him.”
The feeling’s mutual, I want to say, suddenly annoyed that I’m this off-kilter thanks to a few interactions with a man who fancies himself charming. It’s unfamiliar territory and, I realize, an easy way to distract myself from all the heaviness being here with Gary brings up. The mind latches on to strange things to avoid pain. I should know.
I force my lips into a pleasant smile, stamping down the emotion rising in my throat. “It’s just an inside joke, that’s all. So where’s this coffee you speak of?”
“A block up the street. I’ll lead the way,” Gary says, the moment with Kit already forgotten.
“Want to sit on your scooter and I’ll push, old man?” Aaron jokes.
Zoey snickers and Gary scowls. “Try that and I’ll kick you with this boot.”
“Don’t,” Zoey says, voice filled with mock concern as she pretends to hold my uncle back by the shoulders. “The last thing we need is another hobbler slowing us down.”
Gary shrugs her off, his bushy white eyebrows furrowed, but his feigned anger quickly morphs into laughter. It’s a current that rises up and carries all of us with it. I swallow the momentary sadness down and allow myself to be buoyed. Today is a happy day.
* * *
“So what did you think of everyone?”
Zoey and Aaron spent the better half of the morning with us before leaving to give us some one-on-one bonding time. I met the coffee shop owner and her husband, and even their two small children. I also met Tomas, Kit’s boss, who greeted me with a bear hug. I met the teller who always processes Gary’s military pension checks, and the plant nursery worker who keeps Zoey in foliage. At every turn, there was another friend turned honorary family member whom Gary presented me to with a proud sweep of his arm.
We ate food truck chili dogs and shared a scoop of mint ice cream, which we brought Marcy a cone of, much to her delight. When navigating with the scooter became too exhausting for Gary, we laid in the grass of a nearby green space while the sun sank lower in the sky. For the first time in forever I felt I was a part of something bigger. A community that didn’t see me for all that I was missing, but welcomed me for the one thing I had.
Gary.
“They were amazing,” I say breathlessly as I help Gary back to his feet. And I mean it. Sure, there are people back home that I’d consider myself close to, including my best friend, Alicia, who has sent a massive amount of texts that await my reply. I know the postmaster and the grocery store clerks and the bank tellers. But today felt different. It felt right in a way I haven’t in years.
I’m floating more than walking, whether because of the day I’ve had or the three hard ciders I drank with our dinner. Gary and I amble slowly down the sidewalk. Any remnants of the festival have been packed up, so our path is clear as we make our way to his apartment, where I’ll help him up the stairs before heading back to my motel room.
It’s my last night, but I’m already wishing for a thousand more.
He pats my hand, which I’ve wrapped around his elbow, a soft smile peeking out from his beard. “They liked you, too.”
“How can you tell?” I ask, pursing my lips at nothing.
He shrugs. “I just know.”
I take him at his word. We may have just met, but I feel like I’ve known him my whole life. Mom would have liked him. Loved him, actually. Dad, too. And for the first time this weekend, I allow that thought to overwhelm me. Waves of sadness sweep through me, painting the chambers of my heart the deepest shade of blue.
“I wish Mom could have met you,” I manage to choke out.
He stills, stopping us just a few feet from the base of his stairwell, and unravels our arms. “I wish I’d met her, too. If she was anything like you, she was surely something special.”
Something special. Kit’s muttered words at the airport, that I now realize were probably just an echo.
My nose burns, the prelude to tears I don’t want to cry. “I miss them both so much. No matter how much time passes?—”
“It doesn’t hurt any less,” Gary finishes for me.
“Exactly.” I think of the bridge at the edge of town whose guardrail split my parents’ car in two. The river below that buried the pieces. I still go out of my way to avoid it, even so many years after the crash. There’s no grinning and bearing it with a grief like that. There’s only avoiding it till it catches up to you, then kicking like hell when it does its best to drown you.
“I don’t mean to be forward, Tess, but…” Gary’s voice is raw with emotion. He takes a moment to clear it, then reaches for my bicep and squeezes lightly. He meets my gaze with one as watery as my own. “I know you have a life in Alabama, but if you ever want… if you’d ever consider…” He wets his lips, then tries again. “Well, I’m just saying that Loveless can be a wonderful place to start over. That’s all.”
I brush him off with a sharp laugh. It’s not the first time someone’s suggested that I move. Whether it was my grandparents offering to send me far away from Fly Hollow for college, or strangers who felt like they knew my story enough to suggest I jet off to someplace their cousin-twice-removed lived in and loved. All things that implied my pain was something stationary, that I need only run away from in order to escape. As if I haven’t tried.
And though it doesn’t quite feel that way with my uncle, I can’t kick the instinct to immediately dismiss the idea. Old habits die hard.
It’s also impossible to ignore the fear that splinters through me as it always does when I feel tempted to run away from my life. Like a defibrillator shock to my system at the thought that I might abandon the people and places that still remember my parents, even if that memory hurts just as much, if not more, than its absence might most days.
“I can see you turning white as a sheet, so we’ll move on as if I didn’t mention it.” He chuckles nervously. “It’s just so good to have family again; I’ve gotten carried away. I apologize.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I croak, surprising myself. I’m usually so good at keeping these types of feelings hidden from outward view. “It’s very kind of you to offer. I just… I’m not sure I’m in the right place in my life for that. You know?”
Because starting over feels a lot like forgetting. As much as I might try to bury the past, I’m also never so far from it that I cannot find my parents if I reach for them. My grandparents, too, now that they’re gone. Fly Hollow will always hold the version of me they knew, that everyone believes is real, even when I can’t be convinced myself.
It also keeps me close to the Carmen. I think of standing in the airy lobby just two months ago on my annual trip. How close my parents felt, as they always do when I’m at the little seaside resort we frequented. It’s strangely similar to the sense of nearness I’ve felt here in Loveless. A town they never stepped foot in that they’re somehow a part of all the same.
“I know.” My uncle pats my arm one more time, pulling me from the memory, then turns toward his wrought-iron staircase. “Loveless will win you over yet, Tess. You just wait.”
I know it’s not what he intended, but a certain dark-haired deputy flashes through my mind in an instant. I reach for Gary’s elbow and scoop his scooter up with my other hand, shaking my head at thoughts that don’t need encouragement. “I’ll try to keep that in mind.”
“Would you?” he says, punctuating his chuckle with a whistle. It’s the first thing he’s done that reminds me of my mother. And it makes me happy to know she’s alive in him, too, even if the reminder that I’ll never again hear her do the same brings stinging tears to my eyes.