Echoes of Silence
39
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My days have been a blur since I returned to Dublin. Each moment I pray to feel better is like an eternity, stretched out. Heartbroken cannot describe how I feel. My apartment that used to feel warm and familiar now feels like a cavern of emptiness, mocking me of all the good times I had at Special’s. Of all the times I contemplated leaving my stuff at his. And the times I wish I had his sunrise-facing window.
In the last two—or is it three—days, I’ve been back at work, going through the motions with a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes. Charles has noticed the change in me. On the first day of my return, after work, he asked how my visit to the UK went, wanting details. I sidestepped his questions, giving vague answers to divert the conversation.
Truth is, I don’t know how to explain what happened in the UK. I don’t know how to put into words the unraveling of a relationship I thought was unbreakable. The hollowness I feel inside is overwhelming, like a void threatening to consume me. I can’t bring myself to talk about it, to admit that the fairy tale I was living has crumbled into ashes. Back in Hopewell Uni, Linda hinted he was controlling and I fought tooth and nail that he wasn’t. How do I tell her s he’s been right all along?
My phone rings, and I feel hopeful before dread overwhelms me. Could it be Special calling again? I sigh when I realize the name flashing on the screen is Itohan’s. I answer with a forced cheerfulness, trying to mask the heaviness in my heart.
“Fifi boo!” Her voice is cheery and for a second, I feel sorry for myself. “I was just wondering if you wanted to come over? It’s like you’re avoiding me.”
I consider her offer, my mind torn between wanting company and wanting to be alone with my thoughts. But the idea of sitting in her apartment, pretending everything is okay, feels like a charade I can’t bear.
Pressing a hand to the bridge of my nose, I let out a sigh. “Thank you, but I think I’ll pass today. The kind of work that was waiting for me when I returned ehn.”
She clicks her tongue sympathetically. “I can only imagine. No worries. There’s an event happening this weekend I would like for you to attend, I’ll let you know if it’s sure.”
“Okay,” I reply, eager for her to end the call.
“You owe me gist, oh.”
I laugh, if only she knows. “When we see now. Don’t worry—I have another call coming in.”
“Alright, take care.”
After ending the call, I release a heavy sigh, collapsing onto the couch in the dimly lit living room. Silence envelops me like a suffocating blanket. I didn’t fabricate the incoming call; it was Special.
Since I left the UK, I haven’t been able to bring myself to speak to him. Yes, I know we should talk and sort things. But if he really wanted to, he would have done that before I left or stopped me from leaving.
God! He couldn’t even drop me off or follow me to the airport.
Tsk. Avoiding his calls isn’t a permanent solution, yet I’m at a loss for how to confront the harsh truth of our strained relationship.
I pull my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them as I stare out the window. The world outside continues to move, oblivious to the turmoil within me. I wish I could escape, disappear into the bustling streets of Dublin and lose m yself in the crowd. But there’s no escaping the thoughts swirling within my mind, the questions that demand answers I’m not ready to confront.
As the sun sets, casting a warm glow across the room, I realize that I can’t stay in this limbo forever. Maybe it’s time to have that conversation with Special.
But for now, I allow myself to feel the hollowness, to acknowledge the pain that lingers in every corner of this apartment. It’s a step toward healing, a step toward finding the strength to face whatever comes next.
I sit there for a moment, grappling with my thoughts, before reaching for my phone. I hesitate for a second before dialing a familiar number. It’s not Linda’s, though I know she would be there for me. Instead, it’s Mama Gee’s, my rock, the woman who has always been my pillar of strength.
The phone rings, and I take a deep breath, clearing my throat. Mama Gee picks up and her warm tone immediately soothes my racing heart. “Fiyinfoluwa... How are you?”
“Hey, Mama Gee,” I say, my voice quivering slightly.
“What is wrong?”
Tears well up in my eyes as I come to terms with the fact that I can't keep this bottled up any longer. We don’t see eye to eye on some things, but Mama Gee has a knack for understanding me without me having to utter a word. After all, she’s my mother—a woman who has weathered storms far worse than mine. From escaping her war-torn homeland to enduring enslavement in Badagry, she’s faced it all. Yet, she found love with Daddy and built a business that not only sustains our family but also funded a portion of my master’s studies. With a slight hesitation, I begin to speak, allowing the words to flow out of me like a dam that has finally burst.
I tell her about this trip to the UK, about the arguments and the hurtful words that were exchanged. I pour out my heart to her, laying bare my insecurities and fears, admitting that I don’t know how to fix what’s broken between Special and me. As I speak, she listens attentively, not once uttering a word. It feels different speaking about everything out loud and in sequence of how it happened. Things that weren’t obvious to me till now, became clearer.
When I’m done, there’s a moment of silence before she speaks, her voice firm yet gentle. “This same Special said all this?”
“Mama Gee…”
“No, no, no. I just want to confirm. Hmm.” She clicks her tongue. “First, you’re not stupid, dumb or immoral and those other stuff he said to you.”
I roll my eyes, wondering if she wants to launch into a sermon to make me feel good. Did I make a mistake calling her?
“Second, I need to speak to that boy.”
“Mummy, please don’t do anything. Don’t call him.” I know she has his Nigerian phone number, but I’m not sure about his UK number. “I just needed to tell someone about everything. I just—”
“And you haven’t told your brother all of this?”
“Mama Gee,” I warn. “I’m telling you this in confidence. Please.”
“Are you kidding?”
“I’m serious. Please don’t tell G-Ben anything. I will tell him in my own time. If you tell him, what would he do? Is he in the UK ni? Mama Gee, please, please, just leave it. I just don’t understand, why do we keep fighting?”
“Because it’s normal to disagree in relationships.”
“This is not normal mummy. We’re always having misunderstandings, and I’m always the one at fault. Any little thing. Even for innocent mistakes, it’s my fault. And it’s because I’m making more money. I’m tired. I’m tired. Since he found out about my salary, he changed.”
“Nothing is your fault. Your money is not a problem, it’s a blessing. It’s just that men don’t realize this until it’s too late. They feel very threatened when their woman is earning more.”
Hmm, not all men. “How did you and daddy handle it?”
She scoffs. “Remember that time you were about to write GCE and your father had stopped working at the bank?”
“Yes! See how easy it was for him to allow you take control?”
She chuckles, and I frown. “Oh Fiyinfoluwa, you didn’t notice your father got the lecturing job less than six months later?”
“Huh? ”
“He couldn’t stand not providing.”
What?
“See my dear, most men find it hard when their woman earns more. Instead of them coming out to say they’re supposed to be your provider and be vulnerable—some of them, it’s not them, it’s because of how society has conditioned their reasoning. Instead of expressing themselves, they react without thinking.”
“Mummy wait, wait. You’re going too fast. How did you and daddy resolve the issue?” I can’t believe I never noticed any tension between the two. If they did, they covered their tracks well.
“Oh my dear, some men listen. They listen if they love you and what you’ve built. And then they find solutions that makes both parties happy.”
“Mama Gee…” Why is she speaking to me like I’m a toddler. “Special and I are already talking marriage. I need to know what you and daddy did.”
“I think we had several misunderstandings until I told him that he made me into the woman I am, and if I can’t help the man that I love, the man who supported me to become who I am, why am I doing all I do? What is the use of giving our daughter a good education if we don’t want her to be independent or support her spouse?”
Wow…
“Hmm, your father is a different kind of man. But this Special boy...” She inhales deeply. “I didn’t expect this from him.”
“I know mummy, I know. I don’t know what to do…”
“My dear, life is full of twists and turns. Sometimes, the path we thought was meant for us takes unexpected detours. But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road.”
I wipe away a lone tear, my heart feeling lighter as Mama Gee’s words wash over me. “I just feel so lost right now.”
Mama Gee’s laughter comes through the phone, a sound that’s like a warm, annoying but much needed hug. “You know, sometimes being lost is the first step to finding yourself. You’ve always been strong. Just remember your roots, remember where you come from. You’re a fighter, and you have the power to shape your own destiny. ”
I nod, even though she can’t see me. “I know, Mama Gee. It’s just hard. Should I make him see reasons or should I break up with him?”
“That’s not for me to say. I just want you to know that whatever decision you make, you’re not alone. And I will not be happy if you settle for less than you deserve. Don’t be afraid to make the hard choices, with time, they turn out good.”
“Mama Gee…” I whine.
“That’s all I’m going to say on this matter.”