My Apologies
41
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The next morning, the gentle ringing of my phone pierces through the quiet of my room. I reach for it with the intention of silencing it and calling back later but my heart melts when I see Special’s name on the screen.
“Hello?” I manage to say, my voice betraying my excitement that he’s still calling after so many rejected and unanswered calls.
“Fifi baby.” His voice sounds hesitant. “How are you?”
“Do you care?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you, but you haven’t responded to my messages or taken my calls since you left.”
I pause for a moment, wrestling with my feelings and thoughts. How do I respond to this? How do I convey the turmoil I’ve been experiencing? Gathering my resolve, I reply, “Spesh, you can’t be surprised that I haven’t been eager to talk after everything you said.”
He sighs, and I can sense a hint of regret in his tone. “I know I messed up, Fifi. I fucked up. I said things I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry.”
Sorry? What would sorry do? Fix the hurt that I felt when you flung those cruel words at me? Repair my bruised self-esteem? Console me for all the times I should be moving forward but got stuck thinking about six, no, eight years ago.
I think I’ve been looking forward to this moment so much that it’s not hitting as I expected it to. Words are not forming coherently in my brain. And, yes, his admission is significant but it’s only a small step to repairing and fixing the damage that has been done.
“Yeah,” I finally respond, my voice measured. “But there are deeper issues we need to address. I need time to think and process everything, just like you suggested.”
“I understand,” he murmurs. “Take all the time you need. I just wanted you to know that I regret my words and how I treated you.”
“Yeah,” I say again, looking for words to string together. “I just need some time to think, and we can talk when I’m ready.”
There’s a brief pause, as if he’s contemplating his words carefully. “Thanks love. I really do want to make things right.”
The call ends, and I let out a long sigh.
God… why was I so tongue tied? This is not nice. This is not good at all. But all in all, I’m relieved he acknowledged his mistake, and at the same time I’m cautious to return to normal with him.
He didn’t even say anything about going back to the way we were. Does that mean we’ll be back together for better? What was he thinking to go at me like that? He obviously wasn’t thinking of everything we’ve built.
Shaking myself from the thoughts that have plagued me since I left the UK, I decide to focus on the day ahead. The last of Itohan’s friends from out-of-town have finally arrived, and as planned, we’re spending the evening together. Surprisingly the weather is pleasant, reminiscent of the usual gloomy Irish weather.
Walking around the location Itohan sent to me of a nearby park, it wasn't until I was practically right beside them that I realized they were the ones I had been looking for. Itohan is chatting animatedly which results in their laughter ringing through the air. I smile at the lively scene before me, a welcome distraction f rom being alone in my head.
A lady from last night’s club hopping sees me before Itohan does and she smiles, waving me over.
“Hey, boo!” Itohan greets me with a warm hug. “I’m so glad you could make it. You’ve met Nneka, meet Antoinette.”
I exchange pleasantries with Antoinette—Antua for short—and Nneka, both of whom have the same vibrant energy as Itohan. We share stories and laughter as we stroll through the park, enjoying the greenery.
At one point, Nneka suggests we grab some food, and we decide to order a box of pizza and some canned soda drinks. When it’s time to pay, Itohan takes out her credit card with a flourish that has us all chuckling at her enthusiasm.
“Ahan, why are you acting like you just won the lottery?” I tease, earning a playful glare from her.
“Sshh children, aunty Itohan is taking care of the bills,” she retorts, and we all laugh again.
The moment we get the box of pizza, we head back to the park. We spread out a blanket on the grass and dig into the pizza, sharing stories and jokes between bites. It’s refreshing to be around people who bring so much positivity to the table.
God… I need help. Why am I comparing everything with my last physical experience with Special. I liked the beach outing though, even though I spoke out of turn.
Itohan receives a call, then proceeds to inform us that Kofi is around the corner and wants to stop by, if we’re cool. The girls and I tease her, letting her know she’s falling hard. Tired of our teasing, Itohan calls Kofi back.
When Kofi joins us, we tease him and Itohan about their relationship plans. That’s when they confess that they’re not committed yet because… Itohan!
I gasp. “Why?”
She shrugs, tossing Kofi a mock displeased look. “We’ll be ready when we’re ready. For now, we’re good friends who love spending time together.” She nudges Kofi’s shoulder with hers. “Right?”
Kofi’s response is an I-told-you- so shrug.
“Love spending time together? Does that mean you fuck each other?” Antua asks.
“Jesus!” Nneka whispers, covering her mouth as she chuckles. Kofi looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Itohan, with her soda drink in hand, pauses mid-sip, and hides a smile behind her other hand.
Wow. I thought Itohan was direct. Haha. Antua is direction. Here is a vivid example of show me your friend and I’ll tell you who you are.
“I’ll leave that to your imagination,” Itohan says.
“I’m just asking.” Antua shrugs with a sly smile aimed at Kofi while speaking to Itohan. “Because I’m interested.”
Ah! Wahala.
Kofi immediately turns his attention to Itohan.
Itohan rolls her eyes at Antua. “Is like you want to end your visit early, shey?”
I swear, this is like I’m watching a stage drama.
Antua grins like a Cheshire cat. “Just let me know, okay?”
“Umm…” Nneka starts, glancing at both weird smiling parties. I don’t know if they’re joking or serious, but I want to believe it’s just a joke between friends.
“Can I have the last slice?” Nneka says, gesturing to the pizza box.
My phone rings, and I see that it’s Alice calling. “I need to take this.”
Walking some distance from the group, my thoughts race a thousand mile per second. Why is she calling? I hope Special is alright. The last time Alice and I spoke was when I got her weird call and she was talking about caring for Special, and blah blah, blah. Do I really want to pick this call? I hesitate for a moment before answering.
“Hey… Alice,” I greet, my voice cheerier than I feel because she’s interrupting my hangout.
“Hello.” Alice’s voice sounds earnest. “I just wanted to apologize on behalf of Special. I know he can be… well, you know how men can be sometimes.”
Apologize on behalf of who? I don ’t realize I’ve stopped walking until someone bumps into me. Rushing a quick apology to the stranger, I return my attention to the call.
“Yeah… hmm thank you, Alice,” I say trying to keep the shock of the audacity from my voice as I respond, “but I believe Special and I can work things out on our own.”
“I understand that, but sometimes men need a little understanding and support, you know? It’s not easy for them,” Alice persists, her tone patronizing.
Is this real? Alice, the only Alice I know is meddling in my relationship issue? When did we become friends that give each other relationship advice? Who is she to assume she knows what’s best for my relationship?
“Alice, I appreciate your concern, but our relationship is between Special and me. I think it’s best if we handle this on our own.”
Alice continues as if she didn’t hear me, “See Fifi, if anything happens, just remember that men can be like big babies sometimes. They need our patience and love at all times. My brother can be annoying, but I know he really loves you.”
Oh my God. What is this I’m hearing? Only Special can open the door to this kind of nonsense. I get it, he’s trying to air out his thoughts to someone but Alice thinking she has the right to call me and intrude on our relationship like this? Hmmph. It’s giving overstepping of boundaries.
I take a deep breath, attempting to keep my temper in check. Glancing at Itohan and the group some steps away, I spare a fake smile not caring if they can see it. “Umm, I’m sorry, but I have to go. I have something important I need to attend to.”
I end the call abruptly, my heart pounding at the audacity. Alice thinking she can stylishly dictate what’s best for me or us, hmm. God abeg oh.
Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I join Itohan and friends as they clean up and pack their things. Kofi left to run an errand but Nneka says it’s because the guy is overwhelmed. Their teasing and laughter help me regain my sense of balance to some extent.
With night approaching, we stroll down the bustling streets, with the others slightly ahead of Itohan and me, taking tourist-y pictures. I sense her curious gaze on me. It’s as if she knows something is bothering me.
“You’ve been awfully quiet afte r your call.” Itohan finally speaks up. “Everything good at home?”
Glancing at her, I’m torn between keeping my thoughts to myself and unburdening myself to her. My thought flashes back to the time we had to sleep out in the freezing cold and the million other times she’s stood by me.
“Everything is fine back home. It’s something else.” I sigh, deciding to confide in her. “It’s about Special—what I told you last night.”
Her eyes widen slightly, sensing the seriousness of the matter. “You’ve made up your mind?”
“No, I’m still thinking.” I recount the recent events in the UK, the fights, the hurtful words, and his insecurity that I had never fully realized before. She listens intently, her expression growing more serious with each detail I share. I don’t tell her about Alice’s call; I’ll deal with it later.
When I press my lips, signaling that I’m done sharing, she lets out a deep sigh. “Na wa oh… I never thought Special was that type.”
Dipping my hands in my back pockets, I shrug, “Me too.”
She muses, then shakes her head. “And you’ve been going through all these without telling me.” She pouts, then bites her bottom lip. “I should knock your head.”
I shrug again.
“So what do you want to do?”
“I really don’t know. I feel as though I’m still in shock. If they told me Spesh and I would ever get here, I’ll say never. And you know, with how far we’ve come, I don’t want to be that girl that gives up. We’ve come too far. I’m thinking it’s spiritual, because how would things be going so good and out of nowhere, this guy would look for something to fight about?”
“Hmm...”
I look at her, slightly puzzled. “What do you mean?”
Itohan shakes her head, folding her arm. “I mean, last night, you were thinking about breaking up with him, today you don’t want to be the girl that gave up on her man. I’m just curious, what’s changed?”
I frown. “Nothing. Nothing changed.” Sighing, I glance at Antua and Nneka, wondering if they are in relationships. They flew in from the UK just to create content and spend time with Itohan. I’ve not done something like that before—travel for myself. Yet I traveled to visit a man who washed me down .
“You’re sure?” Itohan asks.
“Really nothing.” I lick my lips, trying to piece together my emotions. “I’m just tired of how I’m feeling. Since I left the UK, I don’t even know what step to take.”
“You know what I know?” Itohan looks me straight in the eye. “You deserve better. You deserve someone who trusts you, supports you, and treats you with respect. If he can’t do that, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship like you mentioned last night.”
Her words—the first part—hit me like a ton of bricks. She’s repeating what Mama Gee said.
“I know it’s easier said than done,” Itohan adds gently, pressing a hand to my elbow, “but this is where you have to make tough decisions for our own happiness.”
“Babes!” Antua calls out, waving us over.
Itohan glances at me and squeezes my elbow reassuringly. “You get?”
I nod briskly, forcing a warm smile. “Thank you.” Oh! I completely forgot that Special called earlier today. Is that what changed?
“Anytime.” She smiles back. “Come on, shake it off.”
She thinks it’s our discussion that has me in a trance. What a mess I’m becoming.
Itohan winks, completely unaware of the dialogue going on in my head. “Let’s go and see what those ladies are up to.”
My phone vibrates with a notification, and I pull it out to see that it’s a LinkedIn message.
Perfect timing. If this is not fate throwing a curveball my way, I don’t know what is.
I open the message, unsure of what to expect. Since that day I worked with his NGO, we haven’t as so much said hello. As I read the words on the screen, I wonder if this message is a sign.
New Message from Evans Eke
Hey lady, how are you doing ?
Are you in the gym?
Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.