Chapter 16 #2
Mr Bennet was still unwell, so before dinner, despite his opposition, she sent John to fetch Mr Jones, the apothecary.
The examination was brief, followed by some bleeding, some suggestions of rest, and some more herbs.
None of those put Elizabeth at ease, although Mr Jones assured her there was nothing of immediate concern.
Mr Collins also returned in time for dinner, but he prepared his luggage for departure; he was less voluble than usual, distracted, and with little appetite.
Elizabeth assumed he had proposed, and Charlotte had refused him, but she did not question him.
Mrs Bennet expressed her disappointment that he was leaving so soon and asked when he would return.
Mr Collins appeared somewhat abashed, then he retired to his room soon after, planning to leave Longbourn the next day, immediately after breakfast.
Elizabeth had to listen for several hours to her mother and younger sisters whining about the ban of the officers.
All three of them were ready to forgive the indiscretion, calling it nothing but a silly joke.
To Elizabeth’s pain, they seemed more upset about not having the officers around than about Mr Bennet’s illness.
She was relieved to finally retire to her room, even though she did not sleep much. The dawn came with more exhaustion and concerns for the day ahead, and before her family woke, she checked on her father briefly, then went for a stroll.
As she left the house, she briefly pondered that there was a chance — a risk — of meeting Mr Darcy, as had happened in the past. The thought made her apprehensive but did not deter her from her plan.
The weather was unpleasant, as expected for the time of year.
It rained, then it stopped, but the sky was still cloudy.
It was cold and windy, and the slippery ground was unsuitable for walking.
She stayed on the road, walking to the crossroads where one could turn towards Netherfield, where she rested for a moment, then walked back home.
Vivid recollections of Mr Darcy taking the puppies and placing them in his hat made her quiver, and her heart became heavier.
She would like to see the puppies but did not dare.
What would happen to the little souls when he returned to London?
She did not want to abandon them, but she could not take all the dogs to Longbourn.
The turmoil built again inside her, and a tear which she wiped furiously burnt the corner of her eye.
Walking home, with the wind now blowing in her face, stepping careful to avoid the puddles, the road back seemed longer.
She only had to go round one bend and she would be at Longbourn’s gate.
She crossed to the other side of the road, but in the middle of it, she halted at the sound of hoofs.
She hurried to step away to avoid the galloping horse, but in doing so, her feet slipped, and she almost lost her balance.
Almost. She managed to grab a tree and stay upright, while the rider approached.
She knew it was him. She felt it inside her, moments before her eyes proved it to her. He dismounted, took a step forwards, then stopped, looking at her. Waiting.
“Mr Darcy!”
“Miss Bennet…forgive me for disturbing you. I only wish to know if you are hurt, and then I shall leave you immediately.”
“I am not hurt…”
“Very well, then,” he replied, turning to his horse.
“Were you visiting my father?” she continued.
“No…merely out for a ride. Please do not worry, I shall not bother you again. Send your father my best regards.”
“Mr Darcy!” she called him, and he looked at her, waiting again. She took a step towards him.
“You are not bothering me, sir…I am glad I met you…I want to apologise if I offended you yesterday. It was certainly not my intention.”
“I have no right to be offended by a genuine refusal 0f an unwanted proposal, Miss Bennet. In fact, your honesty is laudable.”
“You are very kind.”
“No, I am not. We both know that. I am perhaps arrogant, as you claimed a while ago, and resentful, as I admitted on the same occasion. I am trying to correct these flaws, but my success is still far away.”
“Mr Darcy, I can feel your resentment,” she said, taking another step. “And I can feel you are upset with me…perhaps offended too. I expected you to not conceal your feelings.”
“I am sorry not to fulfil your expectations, Miss Bennet. The truth is, I have concealed my feelings for quite some time now. Another thing I am ashamed of.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Mr Darcy. You are too severe on yourself. You are too ready to assume blame that does not belong to you and too ready to sacrifice yourself for the benefit of others.”
“I cannot understand what sacrifice you mean, but my actions are not worthy of such a word. It is less hurtful to know your opinion of me is poor and you dislike me than to hear you expressing praise I do not deserve.”
“No sacrifice? You were ready to change your life for the mere desire of righting a wrong which was not yours to remedy. You allowed Mr Wickham’s deceptions to force you to offer for a woman you did not even like enough to dance with and whom you have only just begun to know.
A woman with whom you can hardly agree on anything and of whom your entire family would disapprove. ”
“You are wrong, Miss Bennet. You are assuming the reason behind my proposal and my feelings in regard to it. But you are far from the truth, I assure you.”
She became anxious, and her voice trembled, while he remained frowning, unmoved.
“You are wrong too, Mr Darcy. My opinion of you is not low. If I once disliked you, that changed long ago. It was not my dislike that caused me to refuse you. In fact, it was quite the opposite.”
With that, she stopped, as her wildly racing heart warned her that she had said too much.
It was a moment too late, though, as he was staring at her intently, as though struggling to understand her declaration. And he finally took a step towards her.