New Beginnings
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The tantalizing scent of freshly made soups lingers in the air, mingling with the warm aroma of utazi leaves. Soft rays of sunlight battling with the ongoing light showers can be seen through Mama Gee’s pepper soup joint windows, casting a gentle glow upon the rustic wooden table where I sit, my job application spot for today. Conversations blend, turning into laughter and clinking dishes, creating a soothing background sound to the calmness in my chest.
Sensing movement from the corner of my eyes, I glance up to see a boss lady. Her allure and command of English implies she doesn’t spend all her time in this country that has refused to give me a befitting job. She’s recounting her foray in the rain and how she can’t wait to have hot pepper soup in her system.
Besides my siblings and occasional calls from Linda, I don’t have friends to share these tiny details with. The ladies at work are much older, and our worlds don’t intersect. Keeping personal matters to myself has become the norm.
Not wanting to feel sorry for myself, I turn to the window, watching raindrops slide down the glass. How can I be that type of boss lady? I want that level of assertiveness and the attention that comes with it. Something happened to me somewhere that I can’t pinpoint. I blink and I’m transported to a memory of Special’s visit. His lively conversations echoes in my mind, and one in particular stands out, still capable of drawing a smile from my lips.
I was in the living room, reading a rejection email with a frown etched on my face. Special was calmly descending the stairs. “Why are you squeezing your face like early morning shit?” he teased, drawing near.
Confused, I said, “Huh?”
“You should see your face. What is it? Your boyfriend?” he guessed, settling down beside me.
Sighing, I rolled my eyes. “It’s this job I was so sure I would get. I put in so much effort into the application. Filling the form, writing cover letter…”
Leaning in, he mused, “D’you know, you’re spending so much time applying for jobs. Ever thought about studying abroad instead?”
“Um… Excuse you.” I raised an eyebrow. “Spesh, it’s Fifi you’re talking to, o.”
I ignored the flutter in my chest as his lips curled into a playful grin, as if harboring a secret he couldn’t wait to share.
“Oh, come on, Special.” I shifted my leg, maintaining a distance. “Job applications are already driving me nuts. Pursuing a master’s degree would add another layer of chaos to my life.”
“Think about it, though. Fancy degree, globe-trotting, and maybe landing a job abroad. No more Nigerian job application madness.”
“You make it sound easy. Just pack up and enroll in ‘Avoiding Job Applications 101.’ Tsk. It’s not that simple. Look at the hoops you’re jumping through for your Visa and funding.”
“Hey, I’m just saying, sometimes a change of scenery can work wonders. Plus, being a grad student would help you escape those relentless job interviews for a while. And I bet you’d nail it at Harvard if you applied.”
“True, but I’d also rack up a mountain of student debt.” I faked a wide grin, “No, thank you. Very much.”
“Think of it as an investment in your future, both academically and financially.” He adjusts, sitting on the edge of his seat. “You’ll be swimming in job offers before you know it. And I mean home and abroad.”
Haha! “Swimming in job offers or drowning in student loans?” I shook my head. “I’ll pass.” Ignoring him, I focused on my laptop screen.
“There are scholarships and other aids th—”
“That will not cover the complete cost.”
He enunciated each word deliberately, as if I were missing a glaringly obvious point. “All I’m saying is, it’s an option worth considering. And who knows, you might even come back with a degree and a brand-new perspective on life.”
Wow… “You have a way of making the craziest ideas sound enticing. Great job.” I gleefully clapped my hands. “Thanks for back in the day, when you cajoled me to not give up on computer science, but this one… hmm mmh.”
“Just consider it a gift,” he said with a grin, hinting at a seriousness behind his playful tone. “The gift of possibility.”
“The gift of gbese, you mean.”
“What does that mean?”
I chuckled, sometimes I forget he doesn’t understand Yoruba. “Never mind. The gift of possibility, right?”
He nodded.
“Well, I’ll keep it in mind. But for now, I think I’ll stick to the job application grind. At least that way, I can gather the money for the gift of possibility.”
He scoffed at my theatrics. “Suit yourself. But remember, the world is a big place, and you’re capable of more than you think.”
…the world is a big place, and you’re capable of more than you think. His words echo in my mind as I watch the raindrops slide from the glass onto the pavement. Really, applying for jobs is driving me crazy. Maybe there’s some truth in his playful suggestion. Who knows what the future holds? Perhaps it’s time to embrace the idea of change and new possibilities? No… that’s not me. I’m being influenced by people leaving the country. Being the daughter of an immigrant, I see and hear what Mama Gee went through. I’m content being a Nigerian living in Nigeria.
Life… I sigh, reaching for my phone.
Anyways, this is what it feels like to live without the commitments of being in a relationship!
No long simpy calls.
A clear head so you can think about your life and aspirations.
No hard feelings when you forget to call your partner.
Emotional independence, understanding that my happiness isn’t entirely reliant on someone else’s presence in my life.
Accepting compliments without over-analyzing their implications.
I unlock my phone to find a new message from G-Ben sent about five minutes ago. Special is stopping by later today. He said he wants to say goodbye before he leaves for Port Harcourt tomorrow. Thought you should be prepared. See you soon!
I sit upright as an unexpected jolt strikes my spine. The message glows on my screen, and I re-read it.
How?
How come I just made a tough decision, one I believed was necessary, and now Special wants to visit. God, is this a test?
Since he left our home for Oshodi, we haven’t spoken or texted. Why does he want to say goodbye to me? To me? Is he having second thoughts about what we discussed the last time? Is he going to come straight with me and try to convince me to leave Evans for him?
G-Ben’s message is so vague.
Does Special want to say goodbye to me or the family? His timing couldn’t be more poignant. I’ve made peace with my decision to focus on me and now just hearing that he wants to stop by is making me think of—this isn’t normal. Why is it that on the cusp of his visits these uncontrollable excitement rises and overpowers my sense of reasoning?
I take a deep breath, the weight of the upcoming meeting settling in the pit of my stomach.
Maybe this is the closure I’ve needed, the opportunity to address what’s between us. Now that I’m single, this is a perfect opportunity to see if I still have feelings for him.
As the day stretches ahead of me, I become a mess trying to concentrate on my job applications while stealing countless glances at my phone’s screen to check the time.
Despite my efforts to convince myself that his presence doesn’t matter, I mentally prepare for his arrival because… I need to. The past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions, of choices and changes.
Should I tell him I am no longer in a relationship? Would I appear as a pick me, choose me kind of girl? He has implied starting a relationship. If I reveal to him I’m single, would he urgently ask for us to see how it goes?
Oh Lord, facing the prospect of a conversation that could change everything, I don’t know if I have the right words to say, or know how to navigate this moment.
All I’m sure of is that whatever happens, this is a turning point. A chance to untangle finally the threads that have bound us together and to find a way to move forward.