Modern Ẹrú
___________
Lying in the quiet of my room, shadows play tricks on the walls as the night unfolds, and I find myself lost in a whirlwind of thoughts. Aunt S?epe? traveled for the Gen 2:18 Conference, a gathering for single people believing God for their God ordained spouses. It could have been a great opportunity to pray about my future relationship, even my current one with Special, but I wasn’t aware of the event on time, and there’s just so much happening all at once.
It’s wild that Special and I are unofficially official, a term I never thought would describe my relationship with him. It’s an unexpected turn of events, one I hoped for but never thought would happen. When I broke up with Evans, I honestly believed deep in my heart that I would enjoy a season of being single and independent. I didn’t know I was setting myself up for a relationship with Special. He wasted no time in kicking things off. So much has changed since that day G-Ben assumed the most.
“If it’s meant to be, we’ll find a way.”
Not again... Why am I thinking about those words? If I’m being honest, those words still trigger a cascade of doubts. Doubts about Special’s intentions towards me, towards us. Doubts about the feasibility of a long-distance relationship, about the challenges we’d face. Doubts about the reality of making it work.
There are the late-night calls, the way he fills the gaps in my day with his messages, the jokes that make me laugh even when I’m feeling down, his encouragement and support of my dreams. Dreams I’ve not even had. These things assure me that we’re meant to be.
Special has proven repeatedly that he’s committed to making this work, that he’s invested in us just as much as I am. His consistent effort to bridge the gap between us has eroded my uncertainties, replaced them with a growing sense of trust.
His successes bolster my resolve to explore opportunities abroad. Look at how many times they denied him a US Visa, and how determined he was to leave this country. If he can thrive in a foreign land, then perhaps I can too.
I’m allowing myself to embrace this newfound certainty. Life might fill our path with challenges, but we’re facing them together. The doubts that once clouded my mind have given way to a newfound confidence—a belief that Special and I can defy the odds, transcend the limitations of distance, and create something beautiful out of the miles that separate us. With each passing day, we could change the promise of our future where “if it’s meant to be” transforms into “it is meant to be.”
Closing my eyes, I let the quiet envelop me, reminding myself that sometimes, the best things in life are worth the uncertainties, worth the challenges, and worth the wait.
It is meant to be and we’re finding a way…
*****
“…don’t worry when you come, I’ll take you there,” Special says, narrating his experiences as an international student and hustler over our video call.
He’s taken control of my evenings with messages and, more recently, video calls. Thankfully, investing in a MiFi has paid off, and my network connection is much better now. At this juncture, I firmly believe maintaining a long-distance relationship can be costly, but Special’s daily tales add colour to my lacklustre days. Since graduation, my once vibrant-to-some-extent-life has been has taken a complete turnaround to become a constant loop of learning programming languages, job applications, work, and helping Mama Gee at the joint. There’s always something taking up my time, rendering my social life non-existent.
“By the way, any progress with your school applications?” he asks, taking a bite of his Burger King order.
Wrapped in my blanket, I take a deep breath, bracing myself. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. I’ve been doing serious research on schools and programs, but there’s a snag. Scholarship opportunities are like gold—I’m starting to feel the pressure.”
“Yeah, of course.” A faint smile plays on his face. “Hunting those golden opportunities can be tricky.”
I press my lips in a tight smile. “And… the ones I qualify for have super close deadlines.”
“Ah, the notorious deadlines.” He sips his drink.
“Exactly.” I smirk. “You’d know. But yeah… considering the lack of scholarships, I was thinking… student loans?”
His eyebrow furrows, then he thoughtfully chews.
“I know it’s not ideal,” I admit, knowing future me will not be excited about an enormous debt hanging over her head, “but on short notice, it’s viable.”
Shaking his head, he swallows and is quick to respond. “Student loans, huh? Fifi, do you know how massive those loans can get? Who will pay them off?” he retorts, skepticism clouding his tone. “The money tree in your backyard?
“Haha, very funny. See baby, I’ve been crunching numbers; and I think I can pay them off… eventually.” I’ll be in debt till the sun burns out, but opportunities can’t wait.
“And the interest rates? Are those manageable too?”
“Well…” I raise my brows. “They’re not great,” I confess and sensing his concern, I rush to add, “but I’ll handle it, at least till I start work there.”
“Fifi… I hope you know those loans have a way of creeping up on people when they least expect it.”
I sigh, feeling deflated. “I know, I know. It’s not ideal at all, but I’m running out of time. Deadlines are looming. I just thought it might be the only way to make this happen this year.” Pouting, I add, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
“You’re right, it’s not ideal,” he says, a hint of frustration in his voice. “Have you explored other options? Maybe taking a bit more time to save up, or—”
“I have. And believe me, I’ve been through all the possibilities. I’m getting older. I can’t keep stalling my life. I want to take this chance now.”
“Forget not to going for the Chevening scholarship; I’ll recommend that over loans.”
“I don’t want to be forced to return and spend two years in this country with limited opportunities if you’re not returning.”
“Desperate times? You make it sound like a war on multiple fronts.”
“You have no idea. Seriously, Special, I’m willing to risk it for my dreams.”
A heavy silence on lingers, his internal struggle evident. He’s doing the math and I’m sure, like me, he’s finding out it would never be equal.
Finally, he speaks, the vibrancy of his voice fading. “Fifi… I just wish you’d give this more thought. This is a huge decision, and I’m afraid you’re diving in without weighing all the consequences.”
Give this more thought?!I’ve mulled over this from every angle possible! STEM courses offer better scholarship options to students from developing countries—Don’t get me wrong, scholarships are easy to find, they are just not falling into my lap. It’s either I am too late to apply, they don’t cover most of my expenses, or I don’t meet the requirements. Spending another year in this country and diligently waiting for the tides to favour me isn’t going to cut it. If I don’t move now, nothing will ever happen for me!
“I have thought about it. I’ve weighed the pros and cons, and I know it’s a gamble. But sometimes, risks propel you forward.”
“I get that, but I need you to be realistic too,” he insists, firmness in his tone. “This isn’t just about you; it’s about us and our future.”
Oh yes. I know. I get it too. Getting into debt will significantly affect us, if not now, in the future.“I know, and I promise this isn’t a flippant choice. But I also can’t live my life solely by your compass. I need to steer my ship. Don’t worry, I’ll live with the consequences.”
A suffocating silence hangs as he glares at me. When he finally speaks, I stop myself from flinching. “I wish you’d trust me more. Trust us more.”
Trust? This isn’t about that! I know you’ll be with me through thick and thin… We’re talking about the direction my life should take. Sad, I bite my lip in frustration.“I do trust you. But this is about me making choices that feel right for me. I hope you can understand that.”
Another lingering pause, then he gently says, “I understand. I just wish it didn’t feel like we’re drifting apart.”
Where is this coming from?“I don’t want that either. But I don’t want to look back years from now and regret not seizing this chance.” When he stays silent, I add, “I promise, I’ve done my homework. I won’t let anything jeopardize my goals, or us.”
“I know,” he replies.
“So, what is it?”
His lips form a faint smile. “Your determination. I love that about you.”
I smile, unsure of what to say. Is that as close to ‘I love you’ as it gets?
“But you know.” He shifts the mood of our conversation. “If all else fails, you can become a doughnut connoisseur. I hear there’s a high demand for that.”
Ah, my light-hearted Special returns. “You’re hilarious. Maybe I’ll open a doughnut shop in Port Harcourt.”
“Now that’s an idea.”
“And add boli to it.” I smile fondly, relieved the clouds are dissipating. “Thanks for being my sounding board. I appreciate your support and your sarcasm, even if it’s a coping mechanism. And hey, I’ll keep you posted on the loan situation.”
“Please do. I might need to start saving up for that doughnut shop sooner than I thought.” He winks before becoming serious. “Give me time to process this info? Can we talk about it later?”
“Of course,” I reply, nodding slowly. “Take all the time you need. And…”
“And?”
“Ekene mentioned an MBA Tour event happening on the Island. I’m considering attending.”
“Is it MBA you want to do?”
“Not really, but, who knows? It could offer a different perspective.”
He sighs. “I don’t see the point—”
“It’s free.”
“But your time and transportation?”
“I might learn something—”
“It’s mostly American schools. We have no business with America.”
“But—”
“I’m not saying don’t attend, I just don’t want you disappointed.”
“Relax… Relax.” I chuckle. “It’s because they denied your visa multiple times, ba?”
He narrows his eyes, then he gives into a small, soft laugh. “Do you.”
“Don’t worry, I pledge allegiance to the United Kingdom.”
After much teasing and banter, the call ends, leaving me juggling my emotions. I can’t sit around waiting. If opportunities aren’t knocking, I’m building a door. I hope he understands; I’m not being stubborn, or dog headed, just trying to secure my future. I won’t burden him financially; I’ll handle whatever costs come my way.
Studying abroad is no longer a means to meet up with him; it’s my future, my destiny. I’ve crunched the numbers, done the feasibility study. My life outside this country will benefit me and those around me in ways I can’t fathom. Take Mama Gee for example, she had no choice when leaving her country, she was a modern-day slave—something I would never say to her face, but let’s call a spade a spade a spade—but look how she is surviving and thriving in another man’s land. How much more me, her daughter, who is willingly leaving her country, for another man’s land.