Chapter 36 - Tessa
I didn’t sleep. I don’t even remember closing my eyes.
Adam wanted to stay, but I knew I needed to be alone.
I told him I would call him if I needed him, and after a long hug and an assurance that I would be okay, he left.
I wrapped myself up in blankets and sat on the porch watching the snow fall, trying to piece together how everything ended up this way.
When Nate showed up looking absolutely wrecked, it took everything in me not to go to him, not to pull him into my arms and promise everything would be ok.
But I forced myself to stay rooted on the porch, and it didn't take him long to turn mean.
Turn into another version of Nate I had never seen before.
I stayed outside until it got too cold and my tears started freezing on my cheeks.
I wandered around my house feeling like a ghost. We'd only been together six months, and still, I see him everywhere. I added more wood to the fire and then curled up on the couch. I wasn't ready to face my bed, not when it still smelled like him.
I just lay there on my side, staring at the fire until dawn blurred the edges of the room, replaying every moment from last night until my chest felt bruised from the inside.
My head hurts. My throat burned from crying.
My stomach twisted every time I thought about the look on Nate’s face when he tore into me.
I knew he would be hurt; I expected it. That wasn't a surprise; what was a surprise was the speed at which he flipped everything on me.
How fast he believed the worst of me.
How fast he used the deepest, oldest wounds I trusted him with.
The venom in his voice… I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.
Not because it hurt, though it did, but because it made something inside me go cold.
Somewhere between his accusations and the garbage can hitting the porch, something in me snapped back into place. Something I should’ve held onto. My boundaries. My self-respect.
The part of me that whispers that love is not supposed to feel like a bruise.
By the time the sun finally rose, pale and thin across the floor, my tears had dried.
I got up sometime after seven, legs stiff, eyes swollen, heart heavy and too awake. I made coffee I didn’t drink. I showered. And without thinking, I started packing.
My eyes drifted to the bag I had brought back from Nate's, the things that were truly mine, and I realized how small my life was inside his world.
How easy it had been for them to fold me into a marketing plan.
How easy it had been for him to let them.
I had to turn my phone off last night.
Notifications were going off constantly.
I didn’t check it.
I couldn’t.
The knock at my door comes mid-morning. Three sharp raps.
My pulse jumps, and a wave of nausea washes over me. I steel my spine and get ready for who I know is on the other side of my door.
Nate stands there, and he looks nothing like my Nate. But maybe my Nate was the lie. Maybe he only existed because it was what I needed to be a part of his world.
His eyes are bloodshot, his hair a mess, and last night’s clothes still on, like he didn’t even try to pretend he slept.
He looks broken. And it almost breaks me again.
“Tessa…” His voice is sandpaper. “Baby, please...”
“Don’t,” I whisper.
He takes a shaky breath, steps inside without invitation. “We need to talk. I can’t...” His voice cracks. “I can’t lose you. I’ll fix everything. I swear to God, I’ll quit. I’ll pay the penalties. I’ll walk away from all of it if that’s what it takes.”
It hits me like a physical blow. Because a tiny part of me, the part still bleeding for him, wants to say yes.
Wants to melt into him and pretend last night was all some twisted nightmare.
Wants to believe quitting changes anything.
But that’s the part of me that loved with no guardrails. I can’t trust her anymore.
“You don’t get to decide today that you’re done being the version of yourself you chose over me for months,” I say, voice shaking but steady. “You don’t get to burn your whole life down out of guilt and call it love.”
“It’s not guilt...”
“Yes, it is.”
He flinches.
“Why now, Nate? If I mattered. If we were actually real. You would have said no right out of the gate. If walking away or saying no was ever an option for you, you would have done it by now. You would have been honest with me.” I continue, softer, “If you quit for me, you will resent me. Eventually. Even if you don’t see it yet.
And I will spend years paying for a sacrifice I never asked for. ”
“That’s not fair...”
“Fair?” I laugh, but it sounds hollow. “Nothing about this has been fair, Nate. Not the lies. Not the way you kept me in the dark while they used me to boost your numbers. You had so many chances to tell me.”
He tries to reach for me. I step back, "Please don't touch me, I can't... I keep thinking about everything. I keep picturing every moment. And it was what? A show? Fake?"
His voice cracks, “We weren’t fake, Tess. Don’t say that. I love you.”
I swallow hard, as pain flares in my chest. I can see the pages in the binder, like they burned themselves into my mind.
“Do you?” I whisper. “Or do you love the version of me that fits the narrative they needed?”
His face pales, but I press on, because if I stop, I’ll shatter.
“Tell me something honestly,” I say. “When they replace me… will you love her too?”
He freezes. “What are you talking about?”
“Your alternate.” I gesture around the empty space between us.
“The next woman they put beside you. The one who checks the boxes. The one who fits whatever storyline sells best. What qualities does she need? Quiet? Grounded? Blonde? Brunette? Tragic past for emotional engagement? Someone who won’t question anything?
Do they get specific about body type or sexual kinks?
Will you whisper her name and tell her you love her while you fuck her? ”
His breath stutters like I hit him. “Tessa... stop...”
“No,” I snap, louder than I mean to. “I need you to hear this. Because I didn’t know I had competition with a brand board. I didn’t know you were being handed dating strategies. I didn’t know I was being integrated into a campaign. I didn’t know I was something to leverage.”
His jaw tightens until it shakes.
“Dates Nate. Things I thought you planned for me. Gifts. All of it. There was a whole page on public displays of affection. Did you even want to kiss me, or were they all for optics?" I don't let him answer, I can't. "That isn’t love, Nate,” I whisper.
He looks gutted, but I can see something shift in him. “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
“You broke me,” I yell, and I am angry when I feel the tears trickle down my face. “You used me. You lied to me directly when I asked you questions. And you lied by omission because I didn’t even know what questions I needed to ask.”
His eyes are wet now. “Tess... You have to believe me when I tell you it was all real. That I love you and only you.”
“I trusted you,” I choke out.
Silence strangles the air.
He looks past me then, at the bag by the door.
His voice fractures. “Where… where are you going?”
“That's not for me, Nate,” I say. “I didn't even really know what I was doing until I had all of your things packed up.”
"Tessa, no. I am not taking anything back. My stuff belongs here with you. With me. I... have to work this out."
"I bet you do, Captain."
He flinches, but then something shifts in him; he stands a little taller. “You’re running away from us just because it got a little hard.”
“No, Nate,” I correct. “God... things seemed odd, and I had a gut feeling for too long that I ignored because I love you and I wanted it to work. When Brielle cornered me in the bathroom, I defended you, us. But she was right. She was the only one to tell me the truth.”
“Tessa... Please let me stay and explain.”
“Do I need to disappear for a bit, Nate? When this hits the media,” I continue, “Will your team spin the story however protects you best? I can’t… I can’t be the villain in a story I didn’t even know I was cast in.”
“I would NEVER let them...”
“You did,” I whisper. “Our entire relationship.”
He looks like I stabbed him. “You’re throwing us away!”
“If that’s how you want to see it,” I whisper.
“Tessa, please...”
"You need to leave."
"I can't. I... Fuck. This cannot be it, Tessa. I have never felt like this with anyone. I can see it all. I am not giving up. This isn't over. I love you so fucking much, and it is killing me that you don't believe in what we had."
A sob tears out of me, "How... How Nate?
Step back for a minute and stop thinking about you.
Think about everything I learned last night.
Think about how that made me feel. That everyone on your team, your whole fucking organization, knew more about our relationship than I did.
" I take a moment to wipe away my tears with my sleeves.
"I don't know what was real and what was made up.
I don't know what version of you is really you and what is for the brand. I am questioning everything..."
Nate doesn't respond, and we just stand there at the front door staring at each other. I don't know how much time has passed, but I feel like I need this to be over, like I need to crawl into a ball.
I take a deep breath.
“I hope you figure out who you are, Nate, what you want. What actually makes you happy...” I say softly. “For your sake. Not mine. Not the team. Not your family. For you.”
His voice breaks. “Don’t.”
"I need space, Nate. I need you to go. This has all been too much."
He takes a step toward me, and I almost cave.
I nearly dive into his arms and allow myself to be comforted by him.
But the version of me that loved Nate blindly didn’t survive last night.
I bend down and grab his bag, then stand and hold it out for him to take.
Nate takes a step back, as if the bag will burn him if he takes it.
His eyes are wild as he shakes his head no.
He lets his tears fall, whispers, "I love you so much, Tessa," and then, louder.
"I will give you space. But we are not done.
This is not how we end. I will show you.
I love you more than anything or anyone in the world. "
With that, he turns away, and I stand with the bag still held out and watch him get into his bronco and drive away. I don't know how long it takes for me to drop the bag and fall apart all over again. But I do.