35. October 12th
Rafael
Ikissed my family goodbye and hopped in my SUV with determination. My effervescent mood is heightened with a 1perfect song choice—one I know Angie introduced me to, and I revel in this new and exciting sensation. Though, it isn’t all that new, is it? I’ve always harbored these feelings for her, but I’ve pushed them so far down, ignoring them until I truly believed I didn’t have them.
My heart pounds in my chest like I’ve played a full eighty. “I love Angie!” I shout to only myself and squeeze the steering wheel tight. The declaration feels like I’m carving my words into stone. I want to look up in the night sky and see our names written in the stars because I’m certain they’re there. I want to scream my love from a mountain top as if I’m the first person to discover this feeling. I want to parade her around with my hand in hers and show everybody that she’s mine.
That I’m hers.
As if the heavens themselves were listening, a phone call from Angie pops up on the dash of my car. The music stops playing, but the butterflies continue to erupt from my belly. Before the second ring trills, I’ve already opened the call.
“Hey,” my voice waivers, and suddenly I’m confused about what to call her. “I was just thinking about you,” I say like a love-sick idiot.
“Raf,” she says, her voice breaking.
I furrow my brow. “What’s going on?”
“I haven’t felt the babies kick in a long time,” she cries. “Like, at least five hours.”
My gut sinks. The bubbly feeling inside my body has been replaced with a surge of panic and every hair on my body stands up.
“You’re supposed to feel them kick at least every two hours, right?”
“I… I didn’t realize it had been so long until a few minutes ago,” she sniffles. “I keep pushing on my stomach to wake them up, but nothing is happening,” she sobs.
Every fiber of my being is telling me to fix this. Protect her. Keep her and the babies safe. “Hang on, Angel. I’m going to call Ivy first. I’m driving right now, but I’ll be at Cora”s house in fifteen minutes. Just keep pushing on your stomach.”
“Okay,” she cries.
When I add in Ivy’s line, I pray harder than I ever have that she picks up. She’s on-call twenty-four seven as a midwife, so there’s a very real chance she could not answer. But when she does, I waste no time.
“Hey, Raf,” she says lightly.
“Ivy. Angie is on the call with us. She hasn’t felt the babies move in about five hours. We’re both freaking out. What should she do?”
“Okay, there’s no need to panic just yet,” she says evenly. “Angie, do you have any chocolate or coffee around?”
“Um,” Ang hesitates and I can hear movement shuffling around her. “Yes. Oreos, MMs, and cold brew.”
“Perfect. Drink some right away and eat. The caffeine will wake them up, but keep moving them around, too.”
“What if I don’t feel them moving?”
“If they don’t start moving in the next twenty minutes,” Ivy says, “then you should go to hospital.”
No. No, no, no, this can’t be happening. These are my angels. These are the most important people in my life and I’ll be damned before I let anything like this happen to them.
“I’m almost there, Ang. Just stay on the phone with me. I’m right here. Everything is going to be okay,” I try to soothe, praying that my words manifest reality.
I’ve never driven so aggressively in my whole life. I’m driving as fast as traffic will allow, all while waiting on bated breath for any sign of movement from Angie. I can hear Cora and the guys in the room with her from time to time, getting her whatever she needs and helping her push on her belly.
Curb-checking the sidewalk in front of Cora’s place and screeching my tires, I turn off my car and bolt out like I’m on fire. Leaping through the front doors, I don’t even bother closing them when I spot both Cora and Angie on the couch in tears. Marco and Jay are each sitting in an armchair, wringing their hands with pained expressions.
“Baby,” I sob, launching myself for her and falling at her knees. My hands fly to her stomach and I bellow at my babies. “Wake up! Please, please wake up!” I push like I’m kneading bread and I feel Angie’s hands on mine. “Please,” I beg again, pressing my mouth to her skin. “Please do it for Papá. Please, I’m here. Papá is right here. Come on,” I plead.
I can’t lose them. They’re my entire world. If I had no one else in my life, these three would bring me more happiness and love than I could ever need or deserve. Everything I love sits before me. I push against her belly again and again and again. I can feel their tiny bodies behind her protective barrier with each jerking nudge.
“Por favor,” I beg, like my own life depends on it. They are my life. “Te amo. Te amo. ?Te amo! Wake up,” I cry and kiss her skin between pushes. “Come on.”
Every single second that passes feels like an eternity. Like impending doom. Like if something horrible does happen, I’m not going to survive it either.
“Still nothing?” I hear Ivy’s voice ask from the speaker phone.
“No,” Angie whispers, her tears spilling over as I lock my eyes with hers.
“Okay. It’s time to go then,” Ivy says, and I know she’s worried too, but she’s trying her best to stay calm and reassuring.
I pull Angie off the couch, reluctance and urgency fighting for dominance in my body. “Let’s go,” I say, trying to keep my own voice even, but failing.
“We’ll be right behind you,” Cora says. “We’ll bring an overnight bag just in case.”
Angie is holding my hand so fiercely, I don’t even bother putting her shoes on because I don’t want to break contact. I simply lower myself to grab a pair of her shoes and head to the door. I’m already thinking about the best route to the hospital to avoid World Series traffic, when Angie screams.
“Wait!” We stop midway on the outdoor steps. “I think I felt a kick,” she says with wide eyes and her hand glued to her bump, the other holding mine tight.
My other hand attaches to her belly and we both wait another few seconds before we feel it.
A single kick.
Another.
Another.
“Is that both of them?” I huff, my heartbeat entirely too loud for me to hear over.
“I think so,” she laughs in relief. “Yes. It’s both of them!”
Without another thought, without hesitation, I take her in my arms and hold her tighter than ever. My tears seep into her hair as I absorb every molecule of her—of them—and I vow right then and there that I will do everything in my power to love and protect them for the rest of my life.
“I love you, Angel,” I confess. “I love you more than anyone. I want to be with you.”
“What?” she asks, pulling her head away just enough to look up at me, the gaslight glow flickering against her tear-stained face.
My whole body trembles as I stare at her. “I’m such an idiot and I’m so sorry. You were right, I was treating you like a partner, but I was too stupid to realize that I love you the same way. I thought loving someone was supposed to be hard work, but it’s never been that way with you.”
I can feel Angie’s heartbeat racing against my chest as I stand there holding her. Her chin trembles as she says nothing. Fuck. She wasn’t expecting this, I know. Have I missed my chance? Did I throw it all away when I couldn’t put words to my feelings last week? When I didn’t understand what was really holding me back? Did I really lose to Holloway again?
“Please don’t tell me I’m too late,” I beg. “I—I don’t care if something happened between you and Jared. Please,” I pause, barely able to think through my thrumming heartbeat. “It’s me and you. I love you,” I repeat. “Te amo. You’re everything to me. I don’t want to be casual. I don’t want an arrangement. I want to be yours and only yours. I want us. It was always meant to be us, baby.”
“Raf,” she cries, but it”s a tender, sweet cry as her hands snake up my back. “You’re not too late. I love you, too.”
Relief washes over me and I’m soaring. Her words lift me to a plane of existence I’ve never been before.
I fucking won.
I gently cup the back of her head as I place my other hand firmly on my future, and I lower my face to capture her lips with mine.
And it’s different.
And it’s the same.
And it’s new.
And it all makes sense. It all fits perfectly.
Her salt-kissed lips mingle with mine and her little whimper makes me melt as I hold her. When she opens her mouth for me, I let my tongue dance with hers—slow, steady, and promising.
“I’m yours,” I murmur against her soft lips.
“You’re mine.”
“Um, hey guys,” a timid little voice says from somewhere sounding a lot like Ivy. “I’m still on the phone. Do you still need me?”
The rumble from my chest and the giggle coming from Angie indicated we both forgot about her. Angie pulls the phone from the pocket of her maternity pants and brings it closer to our heads. “Sorry,” she smiles. “No, I don’t think so. Do I still need to go to the hospital?”
“No, you’re fine. As long as you feel those kicks, you’re in good shape.”
“Thank you, Ivy. I love you so much.”
“Yeah, thanks, Ivy. You’re the best,” I add.
“I’ll leave you two alone. Sounds like there’s a lot you need to tell me later, Ang.”
We both grin at that. “Bye, Ivy,” she says, then hangs up.
“Let’s get you inside,” I say. “You’re getting cold.”
When we step in, our friends are standing there watching us like perverts. Cora and Jay both have their hands covering their mouths and Marco has his arms crossed, a smug look painted across his face.
“I knew it,” Marco says.
“I knew it first,” Cora cuts in.
“It was so obvious,” Jay adds.
“Shut up,” Angie chuckles, tucking herself under my arm and I love the way she fits there.
Holding her close and smoothing my hand down her back, I ask, “Do you wanna stay here tonight or come back with me?”
Cora perks up, “Oh, both of you should stay here. It’s late and your emotions are high; let’s not add any more risk tonight.”
She makes a good point. “Do you want to stay here one more night?” I ask.
Angie looks up at me, her ocean blue eyes still stained a little red in the corners. “Are you going to stay with me?”
“Of course I will.”
“Yes!” Cora squeals. “We’re one step closer to our commune.”
“We’re starting a commune?” I ask with a furrowed brow.
“Yes,” Angie says. ”But we’ll need to make some adjustments to our plans.”
“I say we keep the pigs,” Cora says. “They’re cute.”
“Someone will need to fill me in on this,” I say as Angie hauls me to the stairs.
“Goodnight, lovebirds!” Jay beams and waves us away.
After stripping naked, we both slipped under the fluffy covers of Angie’s bed for the last week. It smells like her, and I remind myself that I’m a fool for ever letting her go.
“Can you just hold me tonight?” she asks, scooting her body closer to mine and planting her hands against my chest.
“Of course, Angel,” I hum. “I’ll spend forever holding you.”
“Say it again,” she whispers, tracing the letter J tattooed across my heart.
I mirror her and run a fingertip over her J, placed just under her collarbone. “I love you. I want you in my life as my friend and partner. As my lover. I want the real deal with you, Angel.”
“Really?”
“Really. And it’s not because we’re having children together, I want you to know that. I want a life with you, baby. When the kids are grown and out of the house, I want you there with me. I want to love you forever.” I lean in and kiss the tear away from her cheek. “Angel.”
“I want that too,” she says with a hitch to her breath. “I’ve loved you for so long, Rafael. You were my first crush, and I let you crush me over and over again.”
“I promise I’ll never let that happen again.” Angie presses a soft kiss to the tattoo on my chest. “That J has always been yours, baby.”
“And mine has been yours.”
1.Run Away With Me by Carly Rae Jepsen