Chapter 1
Henry
Something was off. I took a moment to query my body before I would attempt to open my eyes.
I had a pounding head, a dry mouth, and a full-body sensation of sweatiness.
What the fuck? I peeled my eyes open and found myself staring out a set of floor-to-ceiling windows with drapes pulled to the sides.
I didn’t have drapes in my house. Hell, I didn’t have floor-to-ceiling windows, either.
Ok, so I clearly wasn’t home. Where was I?
I wasn’t at Jamal’s - my buddy definitely was not the drapes type - and my mom’s house backed up to the woods and wouldn’t be this bright in the morning.
Ok, work backwards. I didn’t know where I was now, but where had I been last night?
I remembered hitting the bar with Jamal.
There had been this cute guy there, a blond with glasses with thick black frames.
I’d bought him a drink…and then he’d bought me a drink…
ok, we’d shared several drinks. More than several drinks.
That would explain the pounding head and dry mouth.
He’d invited me - right, ok. I was probably at his apartment.
Whose apartment? What was this guy’s name again?
Big ol’ blank on that one. Wait, had we even exchanged names?
God, that would be embarrassing if we hadn’t.
I didn’t do nameless hookups. Too tacky.
Hell, I didn’t even really do hookups, as shy as I was.
I searched my memory again for my date’s name, but came up empty.
John? Rick? Jose? Nothing rang a bell. Damn.
Nameless-guy stirred against me, and I felt naked skin, lubricated by that gross layer of sweat that still covered me, rub up my side.
Ok, so I was naked in bed with a guy whose name I didn’t know.
I had…I reached down to scratch my belly and winced.
I had cum crusted in my belly hair, so clearly we’d had sex.
I searched my memory. I hadn’t been that drunk, had I?
No, ok, there were the memories. Just a little fuzzy.
I remembered Ubering back to his apartment from the bar.
Pressing him up against the wall. Kissing him.
Working my fingers into his tight body (I stifled the urge to whimper in pleasure at that memory).
Fucking him, his little noises, coming so hard my vision went black, and then…
“Fuck!” I bolted upright as the complete memory of last night dropped into place.
“Wha?” my bed companion mumbled as my movement dislodged his head from my shoulder. He lifted his hand to rub at his eyes and stared balefully at me from where his head had landed on the pillow. “Whass wrong? What time is it?”
“No idea.” I rubbed at my chest, where my heart was pounding. I’d had unprotected sex with this guy, laughed about it, and then fallen asleep. Shit, shit, shit. “Um…”
His eyes narrowed. “Let me guess, you need to go?”
“No, I…” What did I even say to someone who I’d forgotten the damn condom with?
Oops, sorry, teehee? “Did you want me to go?” is what came out of my mouth.
Ok Hen, that wasn’t helpful. You can’t just go.
Time to be a responsible adult. “No, wait,” I added before he could answer.
“I can’t…how much do you remember about last night? ”
If anything, his eyes narrowed further. They were now little slits in his face, and he looked anything but happy. Shit, I was fucking this up. “I wasn’t that drunk,” he protested archly. “I mean…wait.” His eyes widened. “Were you? Shit, I didn’t think you were that -”
I waved a hand, cutting him off before he could really get going. “No, no. I mean, I was drunk, but I wasn’t that drunk. I just, um. Do you remember having sex?”
Those eyes - hazel, I noted absently, with flecks of green - narrowed again. “Yes,” he snapped. “I remember having sex. With you, in case that wasn’t clear either.”
“And we didn’t…” How did I even broach this, seriously?
I was mortified. I’d been doing the penetration, it was my responsibility to put on the condom, and I just…
hadn’t. I’d been so focused on getting into his body that it completely slipped my mind.
Who did that? What kind of gay man in this day and age didn’t fucking at least have The Safety Talk any time he so much as got his dick near another man?
“We didn’t…” I tried again. “There wasn’t…
” I gestured at my crotch. Yeah, because that was clear. Great, Hen. There wasn’t what, a dick?
He blinked at me. “I feel like I’m playing charades and I don’t know the category. There wasn’t what?” A pause. His eyes went distant, and I hoped he was searching his memories so I didn’t have to play another round of charades. “There…oh, shit.”
There it was. I bit my lip. “Yeah. Oh, shit.”
“We didn’t use…”
“Nope.”
“Fuck.”
I nodded and drew in a slow breath. “I’m really, really sorry. I don’t know why…I mean I was just…it was -” I tipped my head back and forced myself to breathe again. “I didn’t mean to forget the condom. I swear I’m negative.”
Silence reigned for a long moment, and then he inclined his head slightly.
“Ok.” He closed his eyes. “Ok. This is fine. This will be fine. I’m negative too.
So we don’t need to…it will be ok.” His hand crept off the bed to his nightstand, where he felt around until he found his glasses.
The hand, now clutching the frames, retreated and he plopped them onto his face tiredly.
My mind raced, thinking through what needed to happen.
Unprotected sex wasn’t the end of the world.
Even exposure to HIV if one of us turned out to be positive wasn’t the end of the world.
Hell, contracting HIV wasn’t the end of the world these days.
Ok so…we needed to exchange names, for one thing, and contact information.
We both needed to get to our doctors and get PEP prescriptions.
We needed to test. How soon could we test?
How soon did we have to re-test? I knew there was a rule of thumb, but hell if I could remember jack shit right now.
“Hey.” A hand reached out and touched my arm. “You ok?”
Abruptly broken out of my spiraling thoughts, I couldn’t stop myself from jumping. “Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, I’m ok. I was just…thinking.” About everything, all at once.
He nodded understandingly. "Yeah. This is…
not the greatest thing. I get it. So um…
" He paused. "I guess we need to be adults about this.
Shit happens, and all." A slow breath. "I don't have a copy of my latest test results handy, but they're about two months old at this point.
I've had sex since then. Protected," he added hastily, as if I was in a position to judge him.
"And I’m on PREP. But yeah. So… " He rubbed his eyes under his glasses.
I nodded, trying to project calm adulthood and not the frenzied panic my lizard brain was trying to make happen.
"My last test was three months ago. I haven't been with anyone since, but I did have sex the day before the test so I guess it's possible it might have missed an infection.
I, um." I sighed. "My ex. He cheated on me, as it turned out. So I got tested."
"Ouch." He winced in commiseration. "That sucks. Okay.” He paused and muttered something that sounded like adulting.
“So it sounds like I'm maybe more of a risk than you, but there's a possibility either of us could be carrying an infection and not know it. So um, I guess we test? I mean, you don’t know me from Adam; for all you know I could be lying. "
"Definitely testing. I don't know…" I sighed and reached over the side of the bed to my pants, which were thankfully close by, digging my phone out.
"I don't know what the rule is for how soon you're supposed to test after exposure, or how quickly you re-test." Unlocking my screen, I opened a new browser tab to start a search.
Hey Google, how much do I need to panic right now?
A few seconds and a couple of taps on the screen got me what seemed to be reliable information.
"Looks like the earliest a test can detect a new infection is about ten days later.
Shit, we have to wait ten days?" I shook my head.
"That feels like forever." I’d managed the testing anxiety ok after Ramsey cheated on me, but I wasn’t sure I could do this a second time and stay sane.
My companion - whose name I still couldn't remember, for those of you playing along at home - shook his head.
"To check whether either of us transmitted it to the other, yes.
But we could go get tested today and at least find out whether either of us is likely to be carrying HIV such that we could have given it to the other.
Like, whether your ex gave it to you or something. "
"Oh." I nodded. "That makes sense. And… and PEP, right? We need that? Do you know how it works?" I'd never had to use it, and he seemed like he knew what he was talking about with testing, so maybe he knew this too?
"Are you on PrEP?" he asked instead of answering my question. "Like me?"
I shook my head. "No. I'm not… I don't… " I cut myself off before I finished that sentence with sleep around. Not only had I patently done that last night, but the last thing I wanted was to make this poor guy I'd screwed over think I was judging him. "No," I said again, instead.
He looked away thoughtfully. “So we need to make appointments with our doctors, you for PEP and a test and me for a test." He sighed.
"I feel weird telling you to treat this like I came at you with full-on AIDS when I'm pretty sure I'm negative, but, you know.
" He shrugged. "Better safe than sorry?"