18 “Even if you’re living it twice”
18
“Even if you’re living it twice”
Miranda
“That was the most incredible sunrise I’ve ever seen in my life, you know? Tops everything. Lying in this bed with the sky above me, nothing but the sky…”
“And a layer of PVC.”
In the chair opposite my table, Ivan is rolling his eyes. I’m so nervous, so excited, so content that I throw a box of paper clips at him. I don’t know why.
“Ouch!” he complains.
“Shut it. I’m telling you we had nothing but the sky above us. Can you picture it? All those colors…the sky turned into a spectacular gradient. The birds fluttering around over our room chirping. And I was there, Ivan. I was there, not in another time jump. It’s like…like I wanted it so much that I could control where I woke up. Can you imagine if I controlled where I woke up?”
“You control it?”
“No. I don’t think so. Today, I woke up on a random workday…but imagine it! And then the thing is the whole day was…was even more incredible than I remembered. You have to go. It’s a super special place.”
“Well, I don’t have anyone who wants to go with me…”
“Don’t worry, this isn’t your year, but…”
“Shut up! You’re gonna jinx me!”
“The floatarium is super romantic.” I get back on track. “Seriously. It’s a tiny, covered pool, and you bob around like a cork. And the ceiling is…it’s painted black, and it has LED lights in it and… I don’t know. You’re both just sitting there in silence. Holding hands. Cuddling. I swear I never remember Tristan being so touchy-feely.”
“Something must have made you get with him,” he says with the face of someone who’s finding this all a little too mushy.
“Don’t you think how hot he is would be enough?”
“You want the truth? No. And I’m pretty surprised you think so.”
“No, not really. But you wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers, right? He’s so cute.”
“If that’s your type…” He’s fidgeting with the box of paper clips.
“What type? The hottest ones with a mouth like a bao bun?”
“Seriously, Miranda, I really miss my best friend, the one who said romantic love is a social construct. Have you seen her anywhere? If you see her, tell her to hold on, I’ll rescue her.”
“You’re a dumbass. I was saying that because…because…because I wasn’t in love.”
“Love is a pandemic,” he quips.
“Not the pandemic you should be worried about, sweetie.”
“Stop saying that, it scares me!”
“Ivan…it was incredible. And that night, we wrapped ourselves in a blanket and took a bottle of wine out on the little patio, stargazing, and…” I shrug, take a deep breath, and clasp my chest. I almost feel like my lungs aren’t big enough for everything I need to breathe in. “And we laughed so much…”
“You laughed while you were stargazing? Look, girl, you two are weird as fuck.”
“Yes. Because we were there, with our wine, in the dark, wrapped in a blanket, trying to find the Big Dipper…”
“You’re both dopey as hell,” he mutters.
“Suddenly…a shooting star flew by!”
“If I ever fall in love, slit my throat with a broken bottle.”
“Listen to me!”
“A shooting star went by. And you made a wish. Okay. So what?”
“Well, so…suddenly he threw out that he thought it was a UFO, that he saw one the summer he turned eighteen. But he was so convinced, Ivan! And I couldn’t stop laughing. He’s such a cutie!”
“Miranda, seriously…kill me. You’re so sweet, I’m gonna be diabetic by the time I leave this office.”
I cross my arms, feeling abandoned. Why is it the only person I confided in about everything I’m going through is incapable of empathizing with what I’m feeling? If I had known, I wouldn’t have hidden my laughter when I saw him come in with blond streaks, electric-blue contact lenses, and waxed eyebrows. Waxed to oblivion. Not to mention what he must be spending on tanning beds in this reality.
“Listen, Ivan, if I’m boring you…”
He sucks his teeth, rolls his eyes, slaps both armrests, and stands up.
“Miranda, for God’s sake…you’re my best friend. If I find you boring, I’m fucked.”
“I don’t know what’s going on with you.”
“What’s going on is that my best friend once told me that she didn’t recognize my look, that she’s time traveling, and that she’s falling back in love with a dude who, apparently, in a few years is going to destroy her heart. So maybe you can understand my reservations.”
“Didn’t we agree you were going to give me the benefit of the doubt?”
“And I am! But…” He shakes his hands, trying to find the words. “It’s just that…I don’t think…”
“You don’t think what?”
“Well, if you’re time traveling, you fucking crazy bitch, I don’t think the goal should be falling back in love.”
“So then what?”
“Well, I don’t know. You’re probably supposed to learn something, right? Or are you just gonna let history repeat itself?”
“I’m not repeating it. I’m living it with…with more emotion this time. More…attention. That’s it. Attention. And that way, when the problems come, I can solve them.”
He raises one eyebrow.
“Seriously?” he asks sarcastically.
“Yes. Of course. You said it yourself, right? If this is happening to me, there must be a reason for it.”
“To learn something,” he points out, thrusting his finger at me.
“To fix it. So that it doesn’t end on that day in that café on Calle de Fuencarral.”
“Listen, have you ever stopped to think about why you broke up?”
“Of course.” No, no, I haven’t. Of course I haven’t. Why the fuck would I want to do that?
“Those two people…they’re you. There’s not some big thing that’s going to change either of you, Miranda. It’s just…it’s time. Time made you into those two people!”
“All couples have problems, but I can avoid them.”
“If you jump to the key days, right?”
“Well, yeah. But I trust that…”
“Miri…when you two broke up, did you like the relationship you had?”
“Yes,” I blurt out without thinking.
“No buts?”
“It’s a relationship, Ivan. There are buts, but it’s not like we can aspire to perfection, you know?”
“No. I don’t know.” He sighs sadly.
The silence hovers over us. I don’t like arguing with Ivan, but I don’t understand why he’s being such a hard-ass. He’s my best friend. He’s my confidant. Besides my dad, he’s the person I trust most in the world.
Finally, Ivan’s face softens, and he comes closer.
“Miri, I don’t want to be a party pooper.”
“So don’t be!” I smile at him.
“But let me say one thing…one last thing… Miri, listen to me,” he insists, rolling his eyes again.
“Spit it out!”
“You know that thing about how we can’t make everyone like us.”
“Yes. I work at a women’s magazine where we’re constantly railing against the idea that we should even try.”
“And that’s very admirable, but…Miranda, when someone dumps you…maybe it’s because it’s for the best. And you have to pay attention to how they actually dump you, because sometimes we get hurt trying to make it work. You only live once, Miranda. You only live once, even if you’re living it twice.”