Chapter 34 Orion
Orion
The funeral was a blur.
My brain held on to snapshots. It was sunny out; I remember that.
Xander gave a eulogy, the words a beautiful stream of noise floating through me.
Dean’s parents were in the front row, shell-shocked and pale.
Sierra was behind them, sobbing into her hands.
Harper had tears streaking her cheeks like silver.
The day before, Coach Daniels had asked me to say something. “A little bit of humor can’t hurt, Orion.”
I’d stared at him blankly. Xander had accused Rhett of murder.
He said he’d seen Rhett give Dean a pill at the party.
My party. The pill had been laced with fentanyl.
One unlucky dose. I thought I’d be overcome with murderous rage for Rhett.
That just the sight of him would have me tackling him to the ground and beating him until his face was unrecognizable.
Until my fingers were ruined, and I’d never play piano again.
That’s what I deserved because it was my fault. My party.
Is that what Coach wanted me to say?
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today because I know how to throw one hell of a rager.”
People started getting up from their seats, which meant the funeral was over. Harper stuck close to Emery. She wouldn’t look at me, much less speak to me. Not that I blamed her. I’d been drunk that night but not drunk enough that I didn’t remember what I’d said.
Another layer of shame and guilt and pain. A tsunami of emotion churned below, but I felt none of it. I was cold. Frozen. As if I’d been locked in a block of ice and it hadn’t thawed out.
I didn’t go to the reception. The reception was for shaking hands and hugging Dean’s loved ones and telling them how sorry you were that he was gone, as if you weren’t in on it. As if you were just a bystander. That wasn’t me.
***
Tuesday. The NoSci presentations were the next week, Mum and Father were flying in for the award ceremony, then came the spring concert, and none of it made any bloody sense.
The way that life just kept going, as if nothing had happened.
It didn’t give a shit that an extraordinary person had disappeared off the earth but expected you to just go about your day, business as usual.
And growing up in my house, my childhood, we didn’t have big emotions. I had no idea where I was supposed to put all this grief. This enormous boulder of pain that I didn’t want but was forced to swallow anyway.
Dean? Dean Yearwood? What is wrong with this world?
And I’d thrown the party.
That little tidbit was piss icing on the world’s biggest shit cake, and if I thought about it too hard, I’d go mad. It had to stay down in the depths while I wandered the surface, cold and detached and numb.
“Orion?” Easton said, as I moved like a zombie through our dorm. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry about your friend…”
“Oh, I’m bloody brilliant,” I said flatly, heading for the door. “I have crew practice. Can you believe that?”
“Hey, man. You don’t have to go.”
“What else am I going to do?”
Easton only frowned, concerned, but I didn’t have anything in me to care.
You’re going to go sit in the shell where Dean sat not four days ago? Brilliant!
But the mindless emptiness had me trudging like a sleepwalker down to the marina.
Rhett was there with Tucker, looking like a guilty little weasel.
Again, I wondered why I didn’t fly at him to beat him bloody, but that would require emotions, and mine were locked down tight.
Xander Ford arrived, looking like the walking dead.
He stared at Rhett as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
Coach huddled us up. “I know this is going to be a tough day. We’ve lost one of our own, and as hard as it is…” His voice cracked. “We have a season to finish, and I’d like to think that Dean would want us to finish strong. To make him proud.”
We all headed for the water, quiet, solemn, and climbed into the shell. Rhett was like a wraith behind me. A shadow. My skin crawled and broke out into gooseflesh.
What are you doing here? Instead of being with Harper? Or sitting at a piano? Or doing literally anything else that is honest and real.
Ahead of me, Xander muttered under his breath, “Jesus fucking Christ,” and tossed his oar into the water. He climbed out and sloshed through waist-deep water toward land.
Coach Daniels, on the shore, tried to stop him. “Now, hold on, son…”
Xander knocked his hand away. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
Yes. Xander. He’s doing it right. Follow him.
I clambered out of the shell and caught up to him. “Xander, wait. Talk to me.”
Tell me how to do this…
He spun around, and his eyes widened at Rhett behind me. Xander pushed past me, back into the water.
“He killed Dean,” he said, then again, his voice rising. “He killed him! He fucking killed him, and we’re all just going to pretend like nothing happened? Business as fucking usual?”
“Now, hold on, man,” Tucker said, climbing out and moving between him and Rhett while Coach Daniels and I held Xander back.
“Get off me,” he snarled, and ripped himself out of our grip. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he screamed at all of us. “Did he mean nothing to you? Whatever it takes, eh? Win at all costs. Win no matter what. Put him back on the boat like nothing happened. As if Dean were never here at all.”
“Now, son—” Coach began.
“I’m not your son. I’m not on this team. I’m done. Done with this fucking place.”
I watched him stalk away.
Coach shook his head at me. “Orion. Don’t.”
Tucker glared at me. “Mercer, don’t you dare. We’re one win away.”
A win? It made no sense. Didn’t they get it? Xander got it. We’d already lost.
I walked away too.