Chapter 4 #2
“I underestimated the weather,” I say. “Do you want a ride, or . . . ?”
“I’m not leaving until I finish looking,” he says, motioning past me. “This side of the river today, the other side tomorrow. The more time that goes by, the higher the chance any evidence will disappear forever.”
Two people looking is better than one. We might as well work together.
The next hour passes in companionable silence, both of us zigzagging to cover the most ground possible, coming back the way I already traveled but canvassing a much larger area.
At one point Ash thinks he’s found something in the weeds, a bracelet Alissa always wore, but it’s an old piece of wire.
When we reach the fisherman’s spot and the rocks, Ash stands looking over the water with the wire tangled in his fist. The wind blows strands of his hair across his forehead and into his eyes.
“Fine,” he says. “Let’s go.”
We trudge back to the gas station. Ash gets a burrito and buys one for me too, shoving it into my hands as he slides into the passenger seat of my car.
“I haven’t eaten all day,” he says. “It okay if I eat in here?”
“Sure,” I reply, even though he’s already taken a huge bite. I turn the engine on and crank the heat. I peel my burrito open and hold it in one hand as I turn out of the lot and onto the road. “How, um, how are you? Besides hungry?”
Ash glances sideways at me, eyebrows arched. “For real?”
“I don’t know. Aren’t I supposed to ask that?”
“Yeah, if you aren’t in the same boat.” He tears off a chunk of burrito. “When you’re in the same boat, you already know how I am, because you’re that way too.”
“She was my best friend. She was your sister.”
“You talked to her more than I did. Spent more time with her. She liked you better than she liked me.” Ash takes another bite. It takes me a moment to realize he’s talking with food in his mouth, which normally bugs me, but it doesn’t right now. “So yeah, same boat. How are you?”
I shrug. “Cold, mostly.”
The burrito is nice and warm in my hand, though, so I take a bite. I haven’t eaten all day either, despite having plenty of chances. Melted cheese stretches out between the burrito and my mouth.
“Thanks for driving,” Ash says. “I thought I was going to miss the raid tonight, but I’ll actually make it now.”
“The raid?”
“CoH Online. My clan is doing a raid—a dungeon, sort of—tonight. They don’t need me around to complete it, but with Alissa . . .”
His voice fades away. He stares out the window, his burrito forgotten. I search for something to distract him.
“I didn’t know you played CoH Online too,” I say. “Have you been playing long?”
His focus comes back to me. “Only since . . . I dunno, almost a year.” He clears his throat.
“I thought it would be hard to keep playing now that Alissa’s gone, but it’s been easier.
I get to be somewhere else. I get to be someone else.
” He goes quiet again, but not distant; his lips press together.
I feel something building in him. His leg jumps.
We pull into the park and I drive around until I find his car, on the opposite side of the parking lot from where I was earlier.
If I’d been paying attention, I would have noticed it.
“My mom and dad invited you to come to church with us on Sunday, didn’t they?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. I know that’s not really your thing.”
I cock my head. How did he know that? There was the one time I went with Alissa, and he and their parents were there, but I never talked about it otherwise. I think he notices my confusion, because he says quickly, “Liss told me.”
“Oh. Okay. Well, my mom’s making me come, so I’ll be there. But I appreciate it.”
He nods. “Sucks. Sorry about that. If you want, we can hang out while you’re there.
” He crumples up his burrito wrapper and holds out his hand for mine too.
I take one last bite and hand the wrapper to him.
“Thanks for the ride.” He gets out of the car.
For a moment, he stands outside with the door open, braced between the hood and the doorframe.
A wing of his hair falls over his forehead.
“The thing we gave to you at the funeral. The gift. Was that Alissa’s Children of Hypnos books? ”
“Yeah,” I say. My stomach turns over, like I’ve done something wrong. “Do you want them back? I was going to start the second one today, but I can bring them to you—”
Ash is already shaking his head. “No, you keep them. She wanted you to have them. Let me know what you think when you finish them.”
“Okay. I don’t have your number.”
“Oh.” He pulls out his phone. “This is awkward. I have yours.” He taps through a few screens, and then my phone buzzes. It’s an unknown number, and the text just says Hi.
I input his contact name and save the number. “How’d you have mine?”
“Liss gave it to me,” he says. He clears his throat. “Anyway. Thanks again for the ride. And, uh, for my hand.” He turns his bandaged hand over and back. His cheeks have turned pink. “I owe you one.”
I start to say, “You really don’t—” But he shuts the door before I get the chance. He tosses the wrappers in a nearby trash can, gets in his car, and gives me a raised hand of acknowledgment before he pulls away.
I drive home feeling warm for the first time in a long time, and the whole way, I keep replaying what he said:
I get to be somewhere else. I get to be someone else.
Right now, that sounds amazing.