Chapter 4
One of the earliest traditions that Priya, Rosie and I started after we moved in together was Saturday brunch.
It’s a strictly ‘no boys allowed’ ritual where we discuss the events of the week and anything else that’s on our minds.
We did briefly consider inviting Sophie when we chose her to be our new flatmate, but I think we were secretly relieved when we found out that she spends pretty much every weekend at her boyfriend’s parents’ house in Surrey.
After trying pretty much every café within walking distance of our flat, we settled on the eponymously named Rowena’s, which offered the best vegetarian selection for Priya.
Rowena greets us warmly every Saturday and always ensures we get our favourite table by the window.
‘I’ve been thinking about your Stuart problem,’ Rosie says to me. Priya hasn’t arrived yet, so we’re sipping coffees while we wait for her.
‘Which problem is this?’ I ask. ‘It was a mistake and I’m not seeing him again. No problem.’
‘Yes, but it’s not as simple as that, is it. We need to examine your motivation for sleeping with him so we can prevent you from making a similar mistake in future.’
‘The motivation was simple. I was drunk and in the mood. Stuart was a known quantity, if an unfortunate choice. I really don’t think we need to pick this apart.’
Rosie’s probing is interrupted by the arrival of Priya, looking flushed and irritated.
‘Explain to me why engineering works are allowed to create merry hell on the Northern line on the first weekend of the year, when they’ve already had the whole of the Christmas break to faff about?
’ she demands crossly as she sinks into the vacant chair.
‘After twenty minutes with my nose rammed against the armpit of some guy who’s patently never heard of bloody deodorant, the driver announces that the train is terminating four stops before the one I want.
I waited ages for a bus and then, of course, there has to be a sodding accident, so we sat in stationary traffic for half an hour.
Welcome to London, where nothing works properly. ’
‘You’ll be glad to know that my coffee machine is absolutely fine,’ Rowena assures her as she sets a cup in front of her. ‘Soya milk latte, just the way you like it.’
‘Thanks, Rowena. You’re a lifesaver,’ Priya replies as she bends over the cup and takes an appreciative sniff.
Rowena smiles. ‘I’ll give you a few minutes to collect your thoughts before I come back to take your order.’
‘I’m starving,’ Priya declares, grabbing a menu.
‘You don’t need that,’ Rosie tells her with a laugh. ‘You should be able to recite it from memory by now. Maybe you could go on Mastermind. Name: Priya Singh. Specialist Subject: Rowena’s breakfast menu. Question one: What is the dish that Tori orders most often?’
‘Easy,’ Priya replies. ‘Poached eggs and avocado on sourdough.’
‘Which is what I think I’ll have today,’ I agree. ‘With a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.’
‘Totally predictable.’ The distraction appears to have lifted Priya’s mood, thankfully. ‘I think it’s an eggs Florentine day for me,’ she declares as she sets down the menu.
‘I think I’ll join you,’ Rosie says. ‘Although I like the eggs Royale too. Oh, I don’t know. What shall I have?’
‘Toss a coin?’ I suggest. ‘Heads for the salmon and tails for the spinach?’
‘No,’ she states suddenly. ‘I’m going to have the eggs Royale.’
‘Sure?’ Priya is grinning now. Rosie dithering about what to order is as much a feature of our Saturday brunches as my predictability.
‘Of course she isn’t!’ I retort. ‘Quick, take the menu away from her before she has a chance to second-guess herself.’
‘So, what’s everyone been up to?’ Priya asks once we’ve given Rowena our orders.
‘We were talking about Tori’s Stuart problem before you arrived,’ Rosie tells her.
‘It’s not a problem,’ I repeat strenuously. ‘It was a mistake and it won’t happen again.’
Priya narrows her eyes as she stares at me. ‘Who was that film star who kept marrying the same guy?’ she asks after a moment. Rosie and I just stare at her blankly, so she repeats the question to Rowena, who’s just arrived with our orange juices.
‘Do you mean Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton?’ Rowena says after thinking about it briefly.
‘They’re the ones,’ Priya replies triumphantly.
‘What have they got to do with Tori?’ Rosie is patently as lost as I am.
‘She probably said the same thing the first time they got divorced, and yet she went back to him.’
‘I think there’s a bit of a difference between a drunken one-night stand and getting married,’ I point out, still unsure what Priya is trying to get at.
‘Semantics,’ Priya says. ‘I agree that marrying someone you’ve divorced once is strange, but the reasoning behind it is probably similar to your setup.’
I sigh. I can tell she’s warming to her theme, so there’s zero chance of getting her to drop it. ‘In what way?’
‘It shows that the door isn’t completely closed. There’s still something between you.’
‘Or,’ I counter, ‘it could just show that I wasn’t making good choices.’
Rosie laughs. ‘I think we can all agree that you made a bad choice. The question we’re trying to answer here is why?’
‘I told you,’ I say testily. ‘I’d had a few drinks, he was there, things spiralled.’
‘Was he the only man in the place?’ Priya asks.
‘Of course not. What’s that got to do with anything?’
‘How many men do you think would have been in there?’
‘I haven’t a clue. Could be fifty, could be two hundred. I didn’t count them.’
‘Statistically, that puts the chance of you shagging Flipper at anywhere between fifty to one and two hundred to one. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be tempted to place a bet given those odds. And yet you did, so there must be another factor in play.’
‘I didn’t know any of the other guys there.’
‘Which is a point in their favour.’ Priya may not be a barrister, but she’s running verbal rings around me this morning and I’m starting to understand how witnesses feel when they’re being cross-examined in court.
‘You’re going to have to explain that one to me,’ I tell her.
‘OK. You might know Flipper but, by your own admission, the relationship ended badly and you’ve never had a good word to say about the guy since.
So that should dramatically increase the probability of you selecting literally anyone else for your drunken shag, but it didn’t.
That tells me that there’s more to this story than you’re letting on. Rosie agrees, don’t you?’
Rosie nods. ‘I put it to you, Tori, that your testimony is a tissue of lies.’ She’s obviously picked up on Priya’s tone as well and has decided to run with it.
‘Isn’t the truth here that you shagged Flipper as a deliberate act of self-harm because, despite your protestations to the contrary, you still have feelings for him? ’
‘You two are out of your minds,’ I declare firmly. ‘You’re reading way more into this than there is. It was a one-night stand, which I regret. Can we all move on now?’
‘Prove it.’ Priya’s tone is defiant.
‘What?’
‘Prove you aren’t holding a secret candle for Flipper.’
‘How am I supposed to do that?’
‘Go on a date with someone else.’
‘Ooh, I like that,’ Rosie says before I have a chance to object. ‘It needs to be more than a date though. We need to see real evidence of romantic attachment.’
‘Hang on,’ I manage to interject before they can egg each other on any more.
If I don’t put a stop to this, they’ll be demanding that I marry someone just to prove I’m not still in love with Stuart.
‘For starters, I’ve had two relationships since I went out with him.
I think that’s evidence enough that I’ve put him behind me. ’
‘Not necessarily,’ Priya counters. ‘They both failed, didn’t they? Maybe they failed because you hadn’t actually moved on at all.’
‘No,’ I correct her. ‘If anyone’s making stuff up now, it’s you. They failed because I seem to be pre-programmed to date men who are all style and no substance. Ryan turned out to be an enormous dickhead, and Jake’s vanity made Narcissus seem modest.’
Thankfully, before either of them can concoct any more nonsensical theories, Rowena appears with our breakfasts, so I decide to take advantage of the interruption to change the subject.
‘Did I tell you that Lily from work is going off to the Caribbean next month?’
‘Really?’ Rosie’s interest is piqued at least. ‘I’d love to go to the Caribbean, especially when the weather’s so horrible here.’
‘I know what you mean,’ I agree. ‘It sounds fabulous. An all-inclusive spa hotel in Jamaica, jammy cow.’
‘Sounds expensive,’ Priya observes. ‘Is it a special occasion?’
‘She’s trying to get pregnant,’ I tell her.
‘Long way to go for that. Can’t they just have sex here, like normal people?’ Rosie asks.
‘They have been, but nothing’s happening. It was Lily’s best friend’s idea, apparently. She seems to think they’ll have more chance of success if they’re relaxed. She’s going too, apparently.’
Priya laughs. ‘How incredibly convenient. “I’ve got the solution to all your problems, and it just happens to be something I want to do as well.” I wonder if she’d be so keen to participate if the solution happened to be an all-kale diet, for example.’
Rosie wrinkles her nose in disgust. ‘I’ve never understood kale.’
‘Me neither, and I’m a vegetarian,’ Priya agrees. ‘However, we’re drifting off the most important topic, which is Tori’s disaster date and how we help her to move on from Flipper.’
‘I don’t need any help, because I’m not remotely into him,’ I tell her mutinously.
‘Of course you aren’t. That’s why you slept with him less than a week ago.’
‘Harsh, but true,’ Rosie agrees.
I sigh. ‘What do I need to do to prove to you that I’m not interested in bloody Stuart?’
‘Exactly what we suggested earlier,’ Priya remarks, springing shut the trap she’s evidently been laying. ‘Get out there, find someone else and fall head over heels in love with them.’
‘Thank you. I will,’ I say. ‘Just as soon as I’ve figured out where Mr Right is hiding.’
‘I’ll give you a handy hint,’ Priya continues with a laugh. ‘He’s not hiding anywhere near Flipper’s bedroom.’
I love Priya, I really do. She’s been my rock in pretty much every crisis I’ve had since I’ve known her. But right now, I could happily murder her.