Chapter 22
‘Bloody hell, Robert!’ Stuart exclaims as we join the rest of the group for breakfast the next day. ‘Who died?’
‘Be gentle with him,’ I warn him. ‘He’s had another text mauling from Fliss.’
‘Well,’ Amy says archly. ‘I don’t blame her.’
Robert glares at her and even Stuart shoots her a warning look, but once again Amy is demonstrating her total inability to read the room, as she unwisely decides to continue.
‘I mean, if Stewie ever stole my dream holiday from me like you did, I’d finish with him too, but I know Stewie wouldn’t ever do something like that to me.’
‘Oh, yeah, he’s a fucking angel, that one,’ I murmur sarcastically, causing Stuart to look at me in alarm and Amy’s eyebrows to shoot up. I really must learn to keep these thoughts to myself.
‘I’m sorry, Tori, did you have something to say?’ Amy asks sharply.
‘Me? No. Nothing to say and no opinions on anything at all.’
‘Really? Because it sounded to me very much like you were expressing a negative opinion about my boyfriend. You seriously need to get over him and move on. Anyway—’ she puts on a false sympathetic tone that makes me want to slap her, so goodness knows how Robert is feeling ‘—I’m afraid you’re only reaping what you sowed, Robert. ’
‘Thank you for your words of encouragement,’ he says darkly before stalking off to help himself to the breakfast buffet.
‘I don’t know what he’s so arsey about,’ Amy declares.
‘I’m only telling it like it is, and we’d all rather have had Fliss here, out of the two of them.
Muddling things up like this has really played havoc with the group dynamic.
Thinking of which—’ she fixes her eyes on me ‘—I assume you won’t be joining Lily and me in the spa today again, Tori? ’
‘I won’t,’ I agree. ‘Having failed dismally so far, I thought I’d have another go at getting mugged today. I’m planning to walk out of the resort and throw myself at the feet of the first suspicious-looking stranger I meet. That should do it, don’t you think?’
‘We can but hope,’ Stuart mutters, causing Amy to snort briefly with laughter before she catches herself and tries to style it out as a cough.
‘I’m sure you can take care of yourself,’ she says eventually. She’d make a brilliant actor, I decide, as she has an almost uncanny ability to completely change the meaning of a phrase simply through the tone of her voice.
‘What are you really planning to do, Tori?’ Lily asks, obviously keen to steer the conversation away from the brink of open warfare.
‘She’ll be mooning around over her pianist, no doubt,’ Amy tells her before I have a chance to answer.
She sings the word ‘pianist’ in a really irritating primary school manner that makes my palms itch.
The fact that she’s probably right just makes it all the more annoying.
I can’t stop wondering what Gabriel meant when he said our meeting in the bar this evening was a date.
‘Actually,’ I say, hoping that my face doesn’t flush and betray me, ‘I was planning to lie around and read again for most of today.’
‘Bo-ring!’ Amy trills dismissively. ‘Lily and I are trying out the hot stone massage this morning, followed by a super-hydrating body mask this afternoon.’
‘Umm, Amy?’ Lily says softly. ‘Do you mind very much if we don’t have massages today?’
A look of annoyance flashes across Amy’s face, but she quickly covers it with a very false-looking smile.
‘Massages are good for people who are trying to get pregnant, Lily,’ she says in the kind of tone a parent would use when trying to convince their offspring to eat broccoli. ‘I’m only thinking of you.’
‘I know you are, and I’m really grateful,’ Lily persists. ‘But I’m sure one massage-free day won’t do any harm. We can do the hot stone thing tomorrow.’
‘I see. And what would you like to do instead?’
‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d like to spend some time with Tori.’ Lily turns to me. ‘I feel like I’ve hardly seen you on this holiday. Is that OK?’
‘Fine with me,’ I tell her, trying not to laugh as Amy shoots me a death stare.
‘I’ve just had a brilliant idea,’ Lily continues as Robert rejoins us. ‘Why don’t you take Stuart into the spa today and do the couples massage class?’
‘That is a good idea,’ I agree enthusiastically. The idea of a whole morning without seeing either of them is my idea of heaven right now.
‘Hm,’ Stuart says doubtfully. ‘I’m not sure massages are really my thing.’
‘Of course they are,’ I contradict him. I know exactly how to sell this to ensure he goes along with it.
‘Think about it. A couple of hours in a room, rubbing scented oils into each other’s nearly naked bodies.
I expect you’ll probably need a couples’ shower afterwards as well, to rinse the oils off. ’
‘You have a very dirty mind,’ Amy tells me disapprovingly, before turning to Stuart. ‘Ignore all those things Tori said. Would you like me to book us in for a massage class though?’
Stuart is evidently not ignoring all the things I said, as I knew he wouldn’t. He looks like Christmas has just come again. ‘Yes, I think that would be good,’ he says, trying to sound sensible and grown up about it. ‘It might teach us techniques that we could, ah, use at home.’
‘Would sir like a happy ending?’ I whisper to Robert, who sniggers briefly, earning a sharp look from Amy.
‘That’s settled then,’ she declares, still looking at Robert and me suspiciously. ‘Don’t forget the disco tonight though.’
‘Sorry, what?’ Robert asks.
‘It was in the notes I sent out before we came. The hotel throws a disco twice a week in the main bar. I expect all of you to join Stewie and me on the dancefloor.’
Robert bursts out laughing again. ‘What is the matter with you?’ Amy asks him crossly.
‘It’s nothing,’ he gasps. ‘Stuart, are you comfortable with this?’
Stuart looks nonplussed. ‘Of course. Why?’
Robert is really struggling to control himself now. ‘I just heard that you sometimes, umm, had difficulty finding your way on the dancefloor.’
‘Are you saying my Stewie can’t dance?’ Amy asks, outraged.
‘I’m sure he’s a superb dancer,’ Robert guffaws. ‘As long as you can show him the, ah, exact spot to dance on.’
I’m horrified and amused in equal measure as the realisation of what Robert is talking about hits me. I bite my lip to contain myself, but can’t prevent a small giggle from escaping.
‘I have no idea what you two think is so funny,’ Amy says coldly, just inflaming us more. ‘You’ll be laughing on the other side of your faces when Stewie and I bust out our dance moves later.’
‘Hey, no judgement from us,’ Robert wheezes. He’s crying with laughter now and I’ve given up trying to suppress my own.
‘As long as you’re satisfied, Amy, that’s all that matters,’ I add, causing Robert to make a most peculiar noise next to me.
‘I think you should call by reception and ask them to check your room for gas leaks,’ Amy says as she pushes back her chair and gets to her feet, plainly irritated by being the butt of a joke she doesn’t understand.
‘Neither of you are making any sense. Stuart, shall we go and see about this massage?’
‘What on earth was that about?’ Dan asks when Amy and Stuart have left and Robert and I have managed to regain some control of ourselves.
‘It was something Tori said to me the first night we were here,’ Robert tells him. ‘I told her that Stuart had accused her of being frigid, and her response was – is this OK to share, Tori?’
‘I can’t stop you now,’ I say.
‘Yeah, Tori’s response was that it takes two to tango, and Stuart couldn’t even find the dancefloor.’ He starts laughing again. ‘It’s a reference to—’
‘I think we know what it’s a reference to,’ I say quickly, cutting him off. Lily obviously does, as she’s grinning, but Dan looks baffled for a moment before realisation dawns and his mouth opens in a perfect O.
‘You are not going to go to heaven,’ I tell Robert as we make our way back to our room to get ready for the day.
‘Maybe not, but it was too good an opportunity to miss,’ he says with a laugh. ‘And it took my mind off Fliss’s latest stream of fury.’
‘What are you going to do about her? Any ideas?’
He sighs, all trace of his previous merriment gone. ‘I don’t know. There are only so many ways I can say sorry and none of them seem to be making a dent in her hatred of me. Maybe I need to start to accept that there’s no coming back from this.’
‘And how does that make you feel?’
‘I’m not going to start crying all over you again if that’s what you’re worried about, Dr Freud.’
‘There’s no shame in a man being in touch with his emotions,’ I tell him.
‘Talking of men and their emotions, it’s plain to everyone here that there’s something going on between you and Stuart. Come on. Spill.’
‘I can assure you there is absolutely nothing going on between me and Stuart,’ I tell him forcefully as he unlocks the door of our room and stands to one side to let me enter. After his extremely unpromising start, he’s revealed himself to be quite the gentleman.
‘Then why is he so shit scared of you?’ he asks as he follows me into the room, shutting the door behind him.
‘Ask him.’
‘I did. He told me I was imagining things.’
‘Maybe he’s right.’
‘If it were just me, I’d agree with you. But Lily and Dan have picked up on it as well, and as for Amy…’
‘Amy just hates me because I’m not Fliss and the fact that Stuart and I have history makes her uncomfortable.’
He considers for a moment. ‘Yes, that’s a good point. But that doesn’t get around the fact that he’s very weird around you and I think I know you well enough by now to say that I don’t think you’d be as fierce with him as you are if you and he were ancient history. Lily agrees, by the way.’
‘It’s nothing. I just think he’s an arsehole. What is this, the Spanish Inquisition? Are the three of you going to tie me to a chair and shine a light in my eyes until I’m so confused I’ll confess to anything?’
‘Think of it more as the Jamaican inquisition,’ he says with a smile. ‘But, for the record, I put it to you that your testimony so far is a tissue of lies.’
‘You sound like my friend Rosie now. You should meet her, actually. I’m sure the two of you would have enormous fun cross examining me.’
‘Don’t you mean Priya? She’s the solicitor, isn’t she? I thought you said Rosie was an Executive Assistant.’
‘Well remembered, but they’re both as bad as each other. Maybe you could all get together and form the “Persecute Tori” club.’
‘Sounds fun, and I’ll definitely give that some thought, but I now put it to you that you’re trying to deflect me, and I need to inform you that tactic just makes you look more guilty.’
‘OK, Sherlock,’ I say. ‘If you’re so sure, why don’t you tell me what your working assumption is.’
‘There’s only one logical conclusion that the three of us could come up with,’ he says, pausing for what I suspect is dramatic effect. ‘You two have had some kind of liaison.’
‘Liaison? What is this, the nineteenth century? Did we have a secret tête-a-tête in the shrubbery, during which my corset was inexplicably loosened?’
‘You were the one that brought up Sherlock Holmes. All right. We think you banged.’
‘Hmm. I think I prefer liaison, on the whole.’
‘Deflecting again. So?’
I stare at him for what feels like an age as I try to decide what to do.
On the one hand, denial seems pointless, as they appear to have us comprehensively rumbled.
And, I remind myself, I’m not the guilty party here, and it’s not my job to lie to cover Stuart’s sorrily unfaithful arse.
But, although the idea of dropping the pretence is very tempting, Stuart’s warning about the effect on Amy, and then us, is still ringing in my ears.
I sigh heavily. ‘Well?’ Robert asks.
‘There is something, but I’m not saying a word until I’ve extracted solemn oaths from all three of you that you won’t say anything to Amy.’
‘They’re meeting us by the pool at ten,’ Robert informs me. ‘Why did you think Lily was so keen to get Stuart to take her place? That wasn’t an accident, I can tell you.’
‘She engineered it so they’d be out of the way?’
‘That’s probably giving it more credit than is strictly due. We knew what we wanted, and Lily found a way to bring it about.’
‘Fine. I’ll meet you by the pool at ten, ready to sing like a canary. Does that get you off my back until then?’
‘Your wilful cooperation is noted, and will be rewarded with first place in the queue for the bathroom,’ he replies with a smile.
‘Thank you,’ I reply as I step round him, shutting and locking the bathroom door behind me.
As I brush my teeth, two thoughts are racing around my mind.
The first, and most obvious, is how to make absolutely sure my impending confession doesn’t reach Amy’s ears.
I think Robert, Lily and Dan are trustworthy and will see why it’s a bad idea so, although I’m not looking forward to telling the story, I’m not too concerned about Amy hearing anything.
The second, and much more interesting, thought stems from a flippant remark I just made to Robert.
If he and Fliss really are finished, introducing him to Rosie wouldn’t be the stupidest idea I’ve ever had.
He’s exactly her type and, now that he’s shown he isn’t Throbbert after all…
Yes, that idea definitely has legs.