Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Lennon
It’s as easy as breathing, drifting into Nevan’s dreamscape.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been here before with Ridge, or if it’s just Nevan, but I’m still lying in Paul’s arms when I think of Nevan, still exhaling, and then I’m not.
I let my breadstick fingers glide through the clouds, which are the same as last time, soft and lit from below by nothing.
Nevan is on his swing with his long legs stretched out in front of him. When he sees me, his whole face does that thing.
That smile.
The unfocused one I’ve only seen on him here, the one that means he isn’t lucid.
“Hey, Nev,” I whisper.
“Hey, Lemon.”
Neither of us moves, the clouds drifting past us in lazy loops.
“I was just thinking about our kiss. That was a good kiss.”
My chest squeezes. “Yeah.”
“I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Me either,” I admit.
His gaze is soft, unfocused. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” My voice comes out small. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
The smile fades a little around the edges, turning confused. “You didn’t.”
“The kiss.”
“The kiss was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I’m not hurt about the kiss.”
“You’re not?”
“No. I’m just… I feel like I made it harder on you. I didn’t want to do that. I feel like I make it harder on everyone.”
“You didn’t.”
“I thought I was in love with Sydney. For a long time, I thought that was the whole…” He waves a hand.
“I thought that’s what I wanted, even though I always knew it wasn’t really her, and more the idea of her.
And then you materialized into my life, and I got to know you.
And you weren’t an idea at all. You were just…
you were everything. And I’m not entirely sure when that happened. ”
The tears are there before I can stop them, and I blink hard. “Nevan.”
He shrugs with one shoulder, like he didn’t just say that. “I made it harder on Sydney because I couldn’t stop mourning what I thought that could be, and now I made it harder on you because I misunderstood.”
“You didn’t misunderstand anything,” I manage, and take a step closer to him. “I’m so sorry. You should be mad at me for running away like that. I should have talked to you, but I was scared and…”
That gets a short, surprised laugh out of him. “Lemon, I’m not mad at you.” His gaze drops. “I’m mad at myself.”
“Why?”
He pauses long enough for some clouds to drift through the space between us.
“Why would you even want me?” he asks quietly, his gaze on the ground or whatever counts as the ground here.
God, Nevan.
“No.” I take another step toward him. “No, that’s not…” I shake my head. “I want you so much. That’s the whole problem.”
He looks up in surprise. “You do?”
“Yeah.” I exhale. “It scared the shit out of me. Because you’re not…” I only hesitate for a moment before I make myself say it. “You’re not the only one I want.”
“I know. Jasper told me.”
“He did?”
“Yeah, he did.”
Of course, he did, the little minx.
“And what do you think?” I ask carefully. “About all of it.”
His foot pushes off the cloud floor, and the swing sways gently under him. “I mean…” he tilts his head, “… I get why you’d want them. I understand that part.”
“But?”
“I just don’t understand why you’d need me in the mix.” He says it so plainly, not even self-pitying, but honest, which is somehow worse.
“Nevan.” I cross to him and brush my hand through his hair. “That’s like asking me why I need the sun to shine.”
His mouth curves into a soft smile. “You feel like sunshine to me too.”
I let my tears fall because Nevan deserves to see how I feel about him. To see how much I mean it, even if he’s not lucid and won’t remember.
I swipe at my nose, and his hand is already there, his thumb brushing over the bridge of it once.
“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” His fingers hook into the waistband of my skirt and tug me closer until I’m standing between his legs. “Fuck, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve dreamed about that kiss. Can I kiss you again?”
I’m already smiling. “Please.”
“Just don’t run from me this time,” he murmurs, then his mouth finds mine.
His lips are so soft and taste faintly of the lemonade he always drinks, like he carried the flavor of waking life into the clouds with him. His hand cups the back of my head, thumb brushing the spot behind my ear, and I melt into it.
He hums against my mouth as if something satisfies him, and I whisper his name against his lips. “Nevan.”
He pulls back, all at once, as if a switch turned on.
I open my eyes and find him staring at me. His gray eyes are wide in a way I’ve never seen on him before, while his chest is rising fast.
“Are you…” I search his face. “Are you lucid?”
He reaches up slowly, pinches his nose shut, then breathes through it.
His eyes go even wider.
“Nevan.”
His throat bobs.
“Nev.”
The clouds around us ripple as he stares at me like I’m something impossible. His gaze drifts slowly over my face, and the freckles across his nose stand out darker when his cheeks flush.
“Lemon,” he says quietly.
My stomach flips. “What?”
“Shit.” He laughs once under his breath, disbelieving. “I thought you all were making this up.”
I snort. “Rude.”
“No, I just…” He looks around at the clouds, then back at me. “I didn’t think it could feel this real.”
His attention drops to my mouth and stays there, while his tongue wets his bottom lip, making my pulse stutter.
“Careful,” I tease softly. “Don’t get too excited, or you’ll wake up.”
For a breath, I think he’s going to wake up anyway, but instead, his eyes lift back to mine.
The breeze catches a strand of my hair and blows it across my face. Nevan reaches up automatically and tucks it behind my ear. The gesture is so familiar, my heart aches.
“You’re really here.”
“Yeah.”
“I know we have a lot to discuss,” he murmurs, his thumb gliding over my bottom lip. “And I don’t know how long I can be lucid, but I’m not done with kissing you yet.”
Before I can say anything to that, he leans in and kisses me again.
Not cautiously this time.
His fingers tighten in my hair, enough to tip my head back, and heat flares low in my belly as he licks into my mouth, like he’s savoring the taste of me too.
His tongue slides against mine in a long drag that pulls a helpless sound from my throat.
He drinks it down, humming approval, and the vibration travels straight through me.
The swing creaks beneath us as he grabs my wrist and pulls me fully onto his lap, my knees bracketing his hips, skirt riding up my thighs.
His free hand settles at the small of my back, big, warm, and possessive, pressing me closer until my chest is flush against his.
“Fuck, Lemon,” he breathes out against my lips, voice rough in a way I’ve never heard from him in waking life. “Promise never to leave me again.”
His pinky brushes mine, and I hook my finger around it.
“I promise.” I don’t know what I’m doing, or why I’m doing this, but the sheer relief of having him here, of knowing that we’re good, makes me rock against him instinctively, chasing friction.
In response, he lets go of my finger and tightens his grip on my hip.
The dream lets me feel everything.
The rough calluses on his hands, how his chest rises and falls too fast, the faint tremor in his thighs, as if he’s holding himself back by a thread.
“You feel so good.” He kisses me harder, deeper, his tongue owning my mouth in a rhythm that makes my toes curl.
One of his hands slides up under my skirt, palm hot against my thigh, thumb stroking the soft inner seam, like he’s memorizing me.
He nips my bottom lip sharp enough to sting, then soothes it with his tongue, I moan into his mouth and grind down harder.
Nevan groans. “Like that?” He shifts his hips up to meet me.
The pressure is perfect, almost too much, and I whimper, fingers digging into his shoulders. “Again,” I gasp out.
He rolls his hips in a slow grind while his mouth claims mine again. The kiss turns messy, wet sounds and shared breath, and the faint creak of the swing. His hand slips higher under my skirt, fingertips brushing the edge of my panties.
I break the kiss long enough to breathe, my forehead pressed to his. “Nevan, I want…”
“Anything,” he says immediately, pupils blown wide even in the dream light. His thumb strokes over my bottom lip again, then he leans in and sucks it into his mouth. “Tell me what you need, and I promise I’ll give it to you.”
I kiss him again, pouring everything I couldn’t say in waking life into it.
How much I missed him. How sorry I am. How badly I want this, him, all of it.
He meets me with equal heat, one arm banded around my waist as though he’ll never let me go, the other sliding up to cradle my face.
His fingers thread through my hair again, tugging just right, and I feel the low rumble of his groan against my chest.
Every slide of tongue, every nip of teeth, every shared breath winds me tighter. I’m aching, rolling my hips against the hard line of him like I can’t stop. He doesn’t stop me either. He encourages it, his big hands guiding my movements, squeezing my ass, pulling me down harder.
Then all of a sudden, he goes still, completely still.
“Nevan?”
His forehead drops to my shoulder, and I feel him take a slow breath, then another. “Shit.”
My stomach drops. “Are you okay? Did I…”
He laughs once. “I got too excited.”
“What?”
His arms tighten around me. “Pretty sure I’m about two seconds away from waking myself up.”
Oh.
Nevan groans softly and presses his face into my neck. “This is so unfair.”
I laugh, the sound coming out breathless. “You are literally complaining because you’re having a good time.”
“An incredible time.” His voice is muffled against my skin. “The best time.”
I can feel the smile pulling at his mouth.
Then he lifts his head and looks at me, a little overwhelmed. “You’re actually here.”
I brush my fingers through his hair. “I’m here.”