Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
RIANN
Oh shit.
That’s all I can think as my heart plummets.
I take a shaky breath, fear lacing my more lucid thoughts.
This is just another painful reminder of why I need her to claim me. I’ve mostly displayed omega characteristics since I perfumed, but the alpha traits I possess are clearly becoming more intense.
What happens if they completely take me over?
If her mark is the only way I’m going to sort out these crazy spells that I want no part of, I need it. And I need it soon.
“This is real life, preciosa, not some fairytale,” she says, twisting the knife that’s already in my chest. “I do want you, more than anything, but we have lives to consider.” Her hand comes up to cup my cheek. “We can’t just rush into things.”
“The way you didn’t rush into things when you fucked me in your office?”
Her mouth hardens into a line. “That’s not fair, Riann.”
“Is it not?” My voice threatens to crack. “I’ve given you every part of me, Skylar. My heart, my soul, my goddamn virginity.”
She flinches like I slapped her, but the words keep pouring out of me. All the pent up emotions from the last few days spill like broken glass. My mind flits between softer thoughts to dark, rage-filled ones faster than I can keep up.
I’m getting whiplash from my own mind, despite fighting to remain in control.
It’s a losing battle.
I thought ruts were meant to make alphas crazy with lust, but all I want is to dominate. It's a single word thumping in my heart, an urge begging to be unleashed.
“I’ve done everything I can to show you how badly I want you,” I gasp, the words tumbling from my lips. “I’m not sure what else you want from me.” I tremble beneath her touch as nerves rack my body mercilessly. “What about what I want? Does that matter to you at all?”
My chest rises and falls faster now as my body shakes. Meanwhile, Skylar is a pillar of seriousness. She’s silent while I speak, her eyes locked on me, her muscles flexed and stiff against me.
“Of course it matters,” she says when I finish. “Everything about you matters to me.”
“Then why won’t you give me your mark?” I growl, the sound shocking me. “Why won’t you claim me so I can stay here with you? Am I not good enough for you? Or am I only good enough to fuck?”
All the air feels like it’s been sucked out of the room, and my soft self, the part of me that I really want her to see, is screaming at me to stop. The words coming out of my mouth are too harsh, and I hate that they ring with some truth.
Skylar pulls back a little, putting agonizing space between us. Her head drops, and I notice the tremor in her jaw, the tenseness that I’ve caused. The hurt in her eyes is clear.
For a long moment, she says nothing, and my impatience swells to unbearable heights. I want to apologize for speaking that way to her, but at the same time I want answers.
“I can’t mark you right now,” she says, punctuating each of her words with a pause. “I’m not saying that I don’t want to, and I’m not saying that I won’t ever; I’m just saying that it shouldn’t be something we do on a whim because you’re leaving tomorrow.”
I part my lips to argue, but she cuts me off with a glare. My alpha instincts are still telling me to keep pushing, to keep fighting. The two sides are playing emotional tug-of-war inside me, jerking me around when all I want is to focus on Skylar.
“It’s not just about us,” she continues. “What I might discover in your DNA could be the key to unlocking new knowledge about our designations. We can’t afford to give that up just because you’re leaving.”
“Just because…” I echo. “Just because I’m leaving?” It’s like all the wind has been knocked out of me. “You really don’t give a fuck, do you?”
“I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t put words in my mouth.” She levels me with a steady glare. “I’m saying this because I believe with every piece of my heart that we’ll see each other again. We’ll be together again. I’m not going to stop caring about you, but I can’t bite you.”
A whimper escapes me at the finality of her words, and I’m on my feet before I even decide to stand up. My hands curl into fists as I walk across the room and stare out the window. As much as I want her to hold me and comfort me, I need space before I completely lose my temper.
Before I completely lose control of myself.
The bed creaks as Skylar shifts, but I keep my back turned. I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to rein in my emotions. My breaths come quicker, air punching in and out of my lungs.
I don’t have time to break down, not when I only have a handful of hours left to spend with Skylar.
Hands grab my shoulders and whirl me around, and I find myself in her embrace before I can work out what’s happening. She’s still wearing her sports bra and boxers, but the feel of her skin against mine, coupled with the cloud of scent she’s pumping out, kicks my emotions into hyperdrive.
“Please, Riann, let’s just go to bed. We can talk about everything in the morning,” she sighs softly into my hair. “We don’t have to figure this out tonight.”
This time a growl snaps from me that I can’t contain.
“Then when? When are we going to figure things out, Skylar?” I wiggle out of her hold, backstepping to put more space between us. “Because I’m leaving tomorrow and that will be it.”
I can feel it taking me over, the uncontrollable burning need for dominance, to have things my way, to have everyone submit to me. It’s one of the parts I’ve been trying to escape from. I want to be an omega. Not this.
“You’ll come back soon for tests, and we’ll spend more time together,” she promises, working her bottom lip between her teeth. “We can talk and make plans and make sure we’re being practical about it.”
“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being poked and prodded by scientists. I’m not a fucking pet project,” I snap, the words laced with venom. “I don’t want you to use me, Skylar. I want you to love me!”
She drags a hand over her face and sighs. “I work with patients all the time, Riann. I believe in doing what’s best for them, and this is what I think is best for you. You can focus on your classes at the academy, maybe even graduate.”
“Graduate?” I stare in disbelief. “You want to drag this out for another two years? News flash, I don’t want to be a delta…” I wave a hand over myself for emphasis. “Who the fuck wants to be stuck between designations for years?”
“I understand, preciosa. I do,” she says calmly, still trying to comfort me the way an alpha should. I can tell she’s itching to come closer, but she doesn’t budge. “I’m just asking you to stop and think. Have a little patience. There’s no telling when we’ll get to study another delta—”
“Fuck research! Fuck science!” I cry, throwing my hands up. “It’s my body, and I should be the one who gets to decide. I gave you so many samples today, let you run so many tests… Why can’t that be enough? Will it ever be enough?”
Stop! Just stop fucking talking!
The little rational voice inside me is drowned out by the angry beats of my heart.
I need Skylar to get away and stop looking at me with her with eyes full of pain and fucking pity. I need her to leave.
She doesn’t say anything, and she doesn’t move. She just stands there looking at me, a crease between her brows as she listens. Even though she’s a few feet away, it feels like she’s not completely here, like she’s not sure who she’s looking at.
I’m not even sure who she’s looking at as my emotions continue to spiral.
“If you don’t want to mark me, that’s fine,” I say, my eyes boring holes through her. “But at least say that and don’t give me some bullshit excuse about your job.”
“Fine.” Her jaw hardens, and she crosses her buff arms over her chest. “I don’t want to mark you. Is that what you want to hear, Riann?”
My heart lurches painfully at her words, but she doesn’t give me time to argue.
“I don’t want to rush into a bond recklessly.
Dating? Yes. Marriage, even? Sure. But a bond?
” She emphasizes the word bond with a scowl.
“What happens when you get tired of me and want to leave? What happens when you realize I can’t give you everything you thought and you want to sever that bond? It could kill us both.”
I’m all too aware of how dangerous breaking a mating bond can be; it’s one of the things drilled into us at the academy.
Bonds are forever.
Some people—the lucky few—survive breaking them, but it’s excruciating and can make you chronically ill. But there’s no way I would ever leave her or break our bond.
How can she not see that?
“I wouldn’t do that,” I say, desperation clawing up my throat. “You’re my match, Skylar. I don’t care if we’re not a scent match. What I feel, whatever this is, feels more right than anything else in my life ever has. I’m just being honest…”
A muscle in her jaw ticks. “And I’m just asking you to be reasonable.”
Her words hit me like gasoline on a fire, and the anger brewing in my chest explodes.
Here I am, essentially professing my love for her and begging her to bite me, and she wants me to be reasonable.
She wants me to wait for months, possibly years, before she’ll consider claiming me, giving me what I crave so desperately.
Every fantasy I’ve had of us shatters, crashing to the floor around me as the last shred of my omega essence evaporates. The raw alpha in me tears free.
I shouldn’t have to beg someone to want me.
I shouldn’t have to beg anyone at all.
“You know what? If you don't want to bite me, it doesn’t matter if I find another alpha, does it?” The silence that lands between us physically burns, but I keep going, giving in to the instincts that are threatening to tear me apart.
“All I want is to be an omega, Skylar. If you can't give me that, I’ll find someone who can.”
As soon as I say the words, I nearly gag. The idea of anyone touching me, let alone claiming me, has my stomach churning. I don’t even know why I’m trying to explain it to her because she could never understand what it’s like to be in my shoes.
“I think you should go now,” I warn.
“What?” Her shoulders sag. “Riann, no, don’t be like that. Don’t be—”
“Unreasonable?” I cock my head to the side. “I’m not. Obviously, we don’t want the same thing, so I think it’s best if you just go.”
Her hands fall to her sides as she stares at me, not budging. I can see the wheels turning behind her dark eyes, thinking, calculating.
“Are you sure about that?” she asks, her voice completely devoid of emotion. “You really want me to leave?”
“Yes.”
She only hesitates for a beat, her jaw working as she slowly nods, processing my response.
“Fine. If that’s what you need, I’ll go.
” She turns and walks away, grabbing her jeans and her hoodie off the floor.
I watch numbly as she pulls them on, snatching her hat up and sliding her shoes on.
“But, Riann? I can see you're struggling. I can smell it in your scent.” She keeps talking as she dresses, not looking at me, her voice scarily monotone. “You're asking me to share myself with you, but you won’t even tell me what’s happening to you right now.”
Once she’s dressed, she pauses in the middle of the room, staring at me, but I refuse to look at her. I can’t.
“Have a safe trip tomorrow,” she says softly. She runs a hand through her short hair and slips on her baseball cap in my peripheral. “Just… I can't put into words how much I care about you, preciosa. Please don't forget that.”
“Sure.” I nod, my eyes fixed unwaveringly on the corner of the room. Even seeing her in my peripheral vision makes me bristle.
I can’t even say anything; I’m both on the brink of tears and worried I’ll attack her if I move.
A part of me expects her to stop and beg me to reconsider. Maybe it’s a result of all the romcoms that have been playing on the TV, giving me some delusional, rose-colored idea of what relationships should be like.
However, Skylar doesn’t stop. She doesn’t say another word before she's gone, the door closing softly behind her.
The red rage of the rut is suffocating me, and I fling my fist out, slamming it down on the table with a fierce bark, shocking myself. There’s power in that sound, the same call that alphas use to control omegas.
I don’t want to be an alpha.
I don’t want to get sucked into this spiral of rage and hurt.
But what if this is my life?
Skylar said I could choose with a bite, but they barely know anything about deltas. What if my designation chooses me?
A sob escapes me as white noise fills my ears.
The alpha in me is laughing while the omega in me cries in disbelief.
Why the fuck am I even still here?
The clinic was meant to fix me, but I’m more broken than ever. The heat pounding in my body sends me into overdrive. I can’t see through the crimson rage fogging my mind.
I rip the blankets off the bed with a snarl, trying to get rid of our scents.
I swipe the bottle of champagne before kicking at the table, watching it tumble.
It’s like I’m watching someone else slam their fist into the wall, shattering a lamp, and yelling out as I lift the TV and fling it to the floor with everything I have.
I’m torn between sobs and wheezes, my chest growing tighter.
I can’t see.
I can’t think.
I can’t hear a single fucking thing.
I’m spinning around the room, trapped in my body, more broken than the shards of glass that pepper the floor.
“Skylar,” I choke out, my lungs too tight to draw in a breath. There’s nothing left. The energy that ripped through me has taken its prize and fades along with my consciousness.
I drop to my knees, wrapping my arms around myself, unable to stop trembling. I can feel myself slipping further and further away, and the red rage that filled my vision goes dark.
Maybe it’s better this way.
The thought swirls around me, and it’s the last thing I hear as I fall onto my side, my head hitting the carpet as the darkness takes me.