CHAPTER ELEVEN #2
‘Let’s remain silent.’ He sulked.
‘Wait. I need to know who a guy at work is. Brown hair, glasses, doesn’t show an ounce of respect to you despite you probably being his boss.’
‘Paddy. I went to school with him.’
‘Another rich boy,’ I mumbled.
‘I convinced Dad to give him a shot, and he’s been with us for two years now. Never once let us down. Never let me down. So be nice to him while you’re being his boss because he’s important to me. And he’s not disrespectful, he’s my best friend. He keeps me in check.’
‘So, what do I talk about with him? Boobs and beers?’
‘Obviously. Just not at work.’
My top lip lifted in disgust. ‘I was kidding.’
‘Maybe I was, too.’
The lift doors opened to the ground floor before I could say anything else, so I quietly followed him through the lobby onto the street.
‘Table for two?’ Corey asked the waitress at the café door.
She chewed her gum so vigorously I thought her teeth would be pulled.
‘This way.’ She picked up two menus from her station by the door and twisted through tightly packed tables until we reached a small table in the centre.
‘First coffee is free.’ She poured the black liquid from the jug into our white, chipped mugs then left without another word.
No matter how tight I curled Corey’s body, fitting his enormous legs under the table proved impossible. He, however, slid onto the metal chair with ease and peered at me over his menu.
‘Oh, whoops.’ He dropped the menu and palmed his forehead. ‘I just remembered this is the café with tiny tables that takes forever to bring out meals. I hope this body isn’t late for work.’
My nostrils flared large enough to fit the filthy salt and pepper shakers on the table up them.
If he wasn’t making an effort, neither would I.
I shoved my legs under the table with the full force of my rage, rattling the table hard enough to spill Corey’s mug and splatter its contents across his chest.
‘Ouch! That’s hot!’ He jumped from his seat, knocking the table which poured my coffee onto my lap.
‘Ow!’ My knees flipped the flimsy table to its side as I also bounced to my feet, hands cupping my burnt dick.
Corey ripped open the top buttons of my dress in an attempt to peel the material from his skin, flashing the staring patrons his white lace bra.
The waitress rushed over with serviettes, but her feet slid through the coffee on the floor, and she landed on her back.
She sat up, hands wrapped around her throat, eyes wide.
‘Oh my god, she’s choking!’ Frozen at the sight, I pointed at her pink face.
Patrons continued to stare as Corey raced behind her and raised his arm.
‘This is all your fault,’ he said before thrusting his hand against her back.
I scoffed. ‘My fault?’
The lady bounced at the impact, and one of Corey’s breasts jiggled free from his bra.
‘You shoved yourself under the table hard enough to spill our drinks.’ He thrust again.
‘You deliberately brought me to a place I wouldn’t fit,’ I argued.
Corey’s palm smacked the waitresses back again.
‘So, you could have—’
The lady coughed out her gum and gasped in relief, then turned to wrap her arms around Corey’s small waist.
‘Thank you, thank you!’ She was so relieved, she didn’t even notice her cheek rested against his bare breast.
I rushed over and adjusted his dress the moment she pulled back as people stood to check on her, and another waitress fixed our upside-down table. No one seemed to realise our childish behaviour had caused the problem.
‘Please, sit. Breakfast is free for you two.’ The waitress pulled out a pen to write down our order.
‘Pancakes, please,’ I mumbled.
‘Yeah, same.’ Corey couldn’t look her in the eye.
‘Can we get some more coffee over here, Janis,’ she yelled to the blonde by the front window.
I kept my legs to the side, back bent, trying not to take up too much space. The moisture at my crotch had seeped into my underpants and unleashed a sensory overload on top of my hangover and guilt. Frustration filled every inch of my body.
‘The whole point was to try to get to know each other a little better,’ I reminded him.
He inhaled a large breath then released it like a gust of wind. ‘I don’t know what to tell you, Nora. I’m just a guy who works.’
‘For his father. And his best friend is his assistant. And someone gives you drawings that are really good – I saw them in your briefcase – and you have the whole anguished thing going on even though you’re living a pretty great life. Did I miss anything?’
‘Yeah, you did. You forgot to mention I’m trapped in someone else’s body with no idea how to undo what’s been done, forced to do… this.’ He fluttered his hands around our space.
I couldn’t believe I’d thought he had charm at the bar. Not a single thing about Corey Flemmington was alluring. ‘Well, I’m sorry you’re stuck having breakfast with me, but it’s not so great for me either. I mean, this penis sucks.’ I announced with his deep voice.
The waitress turned to me. ‘Aw, sweetie, it’s not about the size.’
Corey narrowed his eyes. ‘There’s nothing wrong with the size.’
‘See, honey, she loves you.’ She motioned her head at Corey who must have looked like my beautiful girlfriend with that gorgeous hair I’d been growing for the last year and a half.
He puffed his chest like an infuriated gorilla which flashed my bra, considering he hadn’t done the buttons back up. ‘I do not,’ he blubbered.
‘Oh.’ The waitress frowned.
‘Of course you don’t. No one could ever love this tiny brain.’ I smiled sweetly.
The confused waitress took a step back, then shuffled to another table to take their order.
‘Well, no one could love this hair. It looks like a horse’s tail.’ Corey wrapped his hands around his black hair and held it to the side.
There was no way I’d let him have the final insult. ‘It looks like I’ve got a skin disease.’ I raised his tattooed right arm.
The couple next to us glanced over, then ducked their heads together and giggled.
‘My nipples are an uneven colour.’ He stood so hard his chair fell out behind him, leaning forward as if that would give his words more power.
This time, two other tables stopped eating to stare at us with parted lips.
‘I shave my balls in summer, so they don’t sweat.’ I didn’t know if that was true, but he deserved to die a humiliating death for that comment.
We were yelling random things by this point, and now there wasn’t a table that hadn’t turned to watch us. Even the waiters paused what they were doing to listen.
‘I eat my snot when no one’s looking,’ he bellowed.
That one earned a gasp from the small Greek lady to our left. Corey’s lips twisted in vengeance, and when I didn’t reply, they lifted in victory. It’s not over ’til the fat lady sings, and she prepared her vocal cords for my next one.
‘I spent a year stretching so now I can suck my own d—’
‘Enough.’ A large lady barrelled through the back door and stopped, red-faced, at our table. ‘You both need to leave. I don’t care how many lives you’ve saved today. This is entirely unacceptable.’
My gaze darted around the room at a mixture of entertained and appalled faces. I didn’t know what had come over me. I couldn’t believe some of the words that had come out of my mouth. In public! Corey threw his serviette on the table and stormed out.
I cleared my throat and nodded in submission. ‘I’m so sorry. We got a bit carried away.’
A bit?
I wanted the ground to swallow me. My walk of shame through the crowded café shocked me back to reality.
Had I really yelled that I shaved my balls?
I didn’t even have balls. Not normally, at least. Corey had obviously lost his appetite, because we walked to his building and took the elevator straight down to the carpark in silence.