Chapter 27 #2
Kova was still speaking but I only caught the tail end of a few words.
I wasn't processing any of it. All I could focus on was the fact that my mom had called him and fabricated lies, and he listened like a good little sheep.
She took vindictive to a whole new level and I had to wonder why she was trying in vain to sabotage my gymnastics career.
She wanted to ruin me for the sake of ruining me.
It was the only plausible reason I could come up with and a side of her I hadn't yet seen.
I was her daughter, she was my mother. I didn't understand her attitude toward me.
A prickling sting deflated my chest and my breathing grew strenuous. I slowed down until I stopped completely. My arms dropped to my sides, and I stood with one foot positioned slightly in front of the other, staring in a blank trance at nothing but feeling everything.
A muffled cry burst from my lips and I threw the rope to the floor.
Kova jerked back. Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached, not because I was sad, I was, but more so because I was so irate and filled with resentment that my own mother would purposely set out to hurt me.
I hopped down, formed a fist, and dropped it down on the balance beam as hard as I could.
I shoved at the side of it, trying to push it over, shoving my weight against it, which could never happen.
It was too heavy, but it felt good fighting against something.
"God! I hate her! Hate her with a passion!"
"Hey," Kova said softly, coming up behind me, but I couldn't stop.
"I can't stand her! No matter what I do, it's never enough.
I never over ate anything, and I bought new clothes because I lost weight.
Because we had stupid parties she forced me to attend.
She is such a liar." I kept my back to Kova so he wouldn't see the tears in my eyes.
"And you played right into it, making me sound like I'm hopeless, like an amateur who still needs years of work, and even that might not be enough.
You gave her exactly what she wanted and she fed off that, I know she did.
She has it out for me, always has, always will. Nothing I do will be right for her."
A fat tear slipped from the corner of my eye, and I walked away. I didn't take more than a few steps when Kova clutched my arm in his hand.
"Stop," he said gently. "Ria, I told her you still had a way to go because the truth is I am not ready to let you go yet."
I didn't know how to respond to that.
"Just give me a few minutes, Kova." I yanked my arm away and pushed at his chest. "I'll be right back."
Kova grabbed my wrist. "Stop. Listen to me."
I shook my head. "Please, just let me be for a sec and I'll be fine."
"Adrianna."
"Kova! Just leave me alone!" I screamed.
But he didn’t. Kova pulled me to his chest and I immediately fought against him.
"Get it out," he said. I shoved at him and cried harder, giving him everything I could.
I hated that he was doing this to me and appreciated it at the same time.
"Fight harder, hit me if you have to, just get it out.
" I struggled between crying and shoving, but Kova didn’t let go, and something in me cracked.
My efforts slowed, and I covered my face and let the tears flow.
I poured everything out against his chest. Everything I held in over the past year.
From my mom and her backhanded compliments, to the rigorous training I demanded of my body, to the illicit affair I had with my coach. I cried over everything, and he let me.
"Shhh…just let it out," Kova said, rubbing soothing circles on my back. "It is okay."
When my cries and hiccups subsided, I sniffled and expelled a huge breath. I felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe again.
Stepping back, Kova tried to lift my chin, but I kept my gaze cemented to the floor. I was too embarrassed. I didn't like crying to begin with, and I sure as shit didn't want to show him my tears. Tears showed weakness, and I wasn't weak.
He tried to lift my chin again, and when I didn’t budge, he sighed and got down on one knee so he was eye level with me.
"Jerk." A sad chuckle escaped my lips. "You always find a way to get what you want."
He cupped the side of my face and wiped away a few tears. He was sweet, but concerned, and I appreciated it.
"Stop crying. She is not worth your tears."
"I'm not crying because I'm sad, Kova."
"I know you are not."
I swallowed. "How do you know?"
"I spend more time with you than she does.
You think I do not know you by now?" he asked and stared at me.
"I know more about you than you think." One corner of his mouth pulled up.
"I watch the way you walk, the way you talk, how hard you work, your dedication with anything you set out to do.
" His eyes softened as he continued. "I know the intonation of your voice lifts during certain topics you are passionate about.
Your eyes lighten or darken depending on your mood.
You do not even need to speak for me to feel your emotions.
You have so much compassion inside. I see it. I see you, Adrianna."
The honesty in his green eyes suffocated me. I took in everything he said and clung to his words. I held on to them as they breathed life into me.
He saw me.
Not just as a coach looking to polish the flaws of his athlete, or in a carnal way full of sexual desire. He saw me on an entirely different personal level. He cared about me and wanted to see me flourish. He paid attention to me and my needs, both on the mat and off. He didn’t look over me.
"I was going to ask how things were with your mother since New Year’s, but I guess I do not need to now."
"You know what my mom used to say if I cried?" I asked. He shook his head. "Crying gives you wrinkles. I wasn't allowed to cry, at least not in her presence."
Kova brushed back a few strands of hair that had fallen from my ponytail.
"While I am unsure about that theory, I would rather you not cry at all simply because I cannot do anything to help you.
No man knows what to do when a woman is crying.
We are useless creatures when that happens.
" I sniffled, and clenched my eyes shut to hold back the tears.
"Use your anger and frustration to fuel you, Ria.
Make it your energy. Do not let her bring you down, you are better than that.
Make her eat her words." He paused, and then quietly said, "Prove it.
Prove her wrong and do not let her win."
I desperately wanted to hug him. I needed it.
"You love saying that, don't you?"
He shrugged, his face softening along with his eyes. "It packs a punch, yes?"
I sighed. "I suppose so."
"Good."
Kova stood and looked down at me. Stepping close enough so his body was pressed to mine, he cupped the back of my neck with both hands and his thumbs grazed my jaw. My arms automatically wound around his back and I held him tight, getting the hug I so badly needed.
"For the record, I would never give anyone ammunition to use against you.
Ever. Remember that." He dipped his head.
"Now get back up on that beam and show me what you are made of.
Do it with determination, do it with intent.
Use your body and show everyone you want it without having to utter a word.
" Kova played with my ponytail a few times, twirling my thick locks around his fist, and then letting it go. "Your silence will be your success."
I nodded. Before I could react, Kova dropped a kiss to my forehead then stepped back.
He was right. I needed to be silent but strong if I wanted to come out on top. He regarded me with hope and confidence, then he walked away.
Strength didn't come from what you could do, it came from the power within one’s heart, a determination unlike no other to thrive.
Sometimes I needed someone to remind me of that.