Chapter 1
I was stuck in a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
Locked inside a dark box, I sucked up my oxygen.
My lungs burned for fresh air and my heart beat faster and harder.
That harrowing moment cruelly replayed in my head over and over, mocking me for my gullibility.
I begged for someone to pull me from the darkness suffocating me, but no one could hear my fists hammering on the wall.
Kova was married.
He'd deceived me, and continued to, after I’d given him every fiber of myself. He’d married Katja three months earlier in secret.
My mind flashed with innocent moments we'd stolen over the course of a year. I tried to recall every instance we were together and what I could have possibly missed or mistaken for something else, but I drew up blank every time.
He was Konstantin Kournakova and I was Adrianna Rossi. He was my coach, and I was his gymnast. Nothing more.
I’d made the frantic call to Hayden, knowing he wouldn’t waste any time.
He was at World Cup in less than five minutes, pulling me into his arms and holding me tight.
I fisted his shirt, fitting so perfectly into him, as if our bodies were made for each other.
In a way, we were, but not in the way that mattered.
"Why do I have a strong sense of déjà vu?" he asked, compassion filling his voice. There was no judgment coming from him. "God, you're shivering."
Hayden was there for me when no one else was. Not my mom, my dad, Kova, or even Avery. They all had deliberately lied to me without a second thought. Yes, we all told little white lies, every one of us, but there comes a point in time when we make the conscious decision to bleed those lines red.
"I'm so stupid." Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes and my temples pounded viciously. "I knew better."
I’d been so na?ve to think what we had actually meant something to a man like Kova.
For him to go and marry Katja was soul-destroying.
And even worse, he’d kept it a secret for months and made love to me while he had a wife.
How he lived with himself after the way he treated someone he supposedly cared about was astonishing. I truly had no words.
I felt used, dirty…disgusting.
We are a team—I exhale, you inhale. He was the air I breathed, and ultimately what suffocated me.
The heartbreaking truth was, when it came to Kova, I’d always been an afterthought for him, second to his precious Katja. He didn't want me, had never wanted me. He’d picked her. He’d married her.
"You can't keep putting yourself through this," Hayden said softly.
"I know." My head spun faster than a rollercoaster, unprepared for the onslaught of emotions. I was too cold and numb, and breaking inside. "You're right."
"What happened this time?" Hayden brushed back the hair stuck to the side of my damp face. The thought of telling him left a sour taste in my mouth.
"Just take me home, please."
I couldn't keep allowing that man to wreak havoc in my world. My heart ached in ways I didn’t even know was possible. Actions spoke louder than words, and while Kova was a clusterfuck of contradictions, his last action spoke loud and clear.
A secret marriage was the ultimate betrayal.
I wasn't sure when or how—everything was a blur—but Hayden put me in his car and drove us back to my condo. I’d changed out of my leo, and we went to my room. He hadn't pushed me for answers, but he wasn't oblivious either. He knew why I was so distraught. We’d been down this road before.
"Aid, say something. You're scaring me. You haven't spoken since we left the gym."
"I don't know what to say."
Hayden shook his head, disbelief crossing his face.
Deep creases lined his forehead and his nostrils flared, proof that he knew the underlying cause of my pain.
Still, he said nothing while I stood there in a daze.
I knew he was disappointed, and he should be.
I let this happen again when I’d promised I wouldn't.
My jaw ached from grinding my teeth. I was sure if my mom saw me now, she'd tell me I was worthless, and ask me why a man of wealth and stature like Kova would want a teenage whore over a beautiful bombshell he could proudly show off on his arm.
My mom. I couldn't even let out a sarcastic huff. That was a whole other story. Joy. I would call the woman who raised me Joy from now on.
Hayden brushed a few strands of loose hair behind my ear and wiped the fresh tears from my cheek before placing a kiss to my forehead.
My eyes rolled shut, heavy with exhaustion and the weight of the day.
I sighed, pressing my body closer to his, and he responded immediately.
I needed to feel. I didn't like this emptiness, this hole, this huge void in my chest that Kova had created.
"It kills me to see you like this." Hayden pressed his hand to my lower back and held me closer.
He groaned in the back of his throat, and I felt the deep, gravely vibration in his chest on the side of my face.
"Tell me what I can do to make it better for you.
I'll do anything you need, just tell me. "
He was hurting for me. Where Hayden warmed my soul with his presence, Kova darkened it with his passion.
Light versus dark. Good versus evil. The contrast always existed between them.
Hayden was selfless, soft-hearted, an all-around good guy.
Kova, however, took, and took, and took, leaving me shattered and broken. Vacant.
An agonized tear slipped from my eye as I remained silent. Hayden took matters into his own hands and carried me out of my bedroom to sit us down on the couch. He may not be as big as Kova, but he wasn't average in the least. I felt small but safe in his arms, and I needed that.
Adjusting my legs to the sides of his hips, I dropped my head into the curve of his neck and sat there until I was ready to speak.
I breathed him in, absorbing everything he had to offer.
He moved my hair to lay over my shoulder and his hands stroked my back soothingly.
I molded myself into his heated body and finally took my first deep breath since coming home from the gym.
"Did you know?" I asked.
"Know what?"
"That Kova is married."
Hayden froze long enough for me to pull back to look at him.
"Hayden?" My heart raced as I stared at him, waiting for an answer that wouldn’t blindside me.
Oh, God. He’d known?
I tried to stand, but his hold on my hips prevented me from moving.
"What the hell are you talking about?” The heat from his fingers passed through the layers of our clothes. "Kova isn't married."
"Yes, he is. He's been married for months."
Hayden's blue eyes turned glacial. Thick tension filled the space between us until my nerves rattled.
"Let me guess, the bastard never told you."
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to.
Hayden's lips curled in disgust. "And he let you find out at practice?"
Embarrassment flooded me. My entire body started to tremble and breathing became difficult.
"I’m gonna kill that motherfucker."
"I’m sorry.” It was all I could think to say.
I’m sorry.
My stomach churned.
Prosti.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push back the tears as the night before filled my mind. It was unlike any other time we’d been together. Kova had acted like he loved me. He had worshipped me in the most loving, heart-wrenching way.
And it turns out, he’d been apologizing to me the whole time he was making love to me.
"When was the last time you were with him?" Hayden questioned. His eyes narrowed, like he was waiting for me to confirm his worst thoughts.
I opened my eyes and drew in a deep breath. I couldn’t tell him it was only last night.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"But he was fucking you and his wife at the same time?" Hayden paused. "Aid, I think you should get tested."
"Tested for what?"
He didn’t bother to mask the look of incredulity on his face. "STDs."
My jaw dropped. I hadn't even thought of that until now.
"He uses protection when he's with Katja." The lie flew from my lips. I didn't need him to make me feel even shittier than I already did.
Hayden tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. "And how do you know that?"
"I asked him once." Another lie.
"This is beyond fucked up. So he uses a condom when he has sex with his wife, but not you? Aid, stop lying to me and yourself."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I said before nestling into his warmth.
"Adrianna," he said softly, and I snuggled further into him in a silent plea for him to drop the conversation.
I shook my head and sniffled. "I don't know what to say. I fucked up."
Another tear slipped down my cheek and I closed my eyes again. I needed to stop crying but I didn’t know how.
Hayden palmed my jaw, lifting my face up to his. Our eyes met. I'd only known him for a short amount of time, but he was proving to be a better friend than even Avery.
Avery. Another situation I didn't want to think about.
My jaw trembled. I’d been so hurt by the few people I truly cared about. I had no one left but Hayden, and luckily, I knew he'd never let me down.
"Come on, Aid. This isn’t you. This isn’t the girl I know.
You fought to qualify for elite. Sweat, blood, tears, and maybe a little too much Motrin has gone into you achieving your goal.
Everything you’ve worked so hard for will be gone in the blink of an eye because you let this dickhead ruin you.
Don’t let him strip you of your dream. You’re better than this. "
He was right.
"Talk to me. Let me in." Desperation tinged his voice. "What is it you need from me? Whatever it is, it's yours. Let me help you get past this."
I stared over Hayden’s shoulder. The thing was, I didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to utter a word. I didn’t want him to know the real truth behind why I was so upset.
That would require admitting that I loved Kova, and I’d never admit that out loud. Ever.