Chapter 34. Kim #5
Sitting in her comfortable living room, holding her warm baby, Kim felt it. Right then, without warning but so brutally familiar. Her heart pounding, the adrenaline prickling. She stared at her husband.
“What are you talking about?”
He shrugged. Picked up a baby blanket that they’d chosen together and folded it neatly into quarters. “You know, Kim.”
She did. Of course she did. But it was so out of context she felt breathless, like she’d been slapped. “Down at the reservoir, you mean? The party?”
Something in her voice alerted him then. Rohan didn’t react, but Kim could feel it. He’d overstepped a line that until now hadn’t even existed between them.
“Yeah.” His tone hovered somewhere around apologetic. “I guess that’s what I mean.”
“How do you even know about that?”
Rohan put the baby blanket down. He lifted his head until his eyes met hers. “Charlie told me.”
She held his gaze. “Charlie did?”
“Yeah. I’m really sorry, Kim. Look, obviously, he shouldn’t have. But you know what he’s like. Big mouth, can’t keep it shut. You can’t trust him with anything.”
Kim looked across the room at her husband, still watching her from the doorway.
She breathed in through her nose, and then out.
She leaned a little deeper into the sofa cushions.
She felt the weight of her baby against her chest. She nodded her head, up and down.
She swallowed lightly, and then drew together every thread of strength and focus and concentration she could find to form two words.
“That’s true.”
But it wasn’t true. And Charlie didn’t know.
Kim stayed up on the couch all night, holding Zoe. Rohan had finally gone to bed, only to get up again at 2:00 a.m. and come through.
“Do you want me to take over?” His voice was kind and conciliatory. She suspected he hadn’t been asleep.
Kim shook her head. “No. Thank you, though.” She hesitated. “Can you please pass me my phone?”
It was charging on the bedside table in their room.
Rohan also hesitated. “Sure. It’s kind of late.”
“I want to text Zara before I forget. To arrange to drop off her birthday present.”
“Okay. Whatever you need.”
He’d gone to get the phone. Then he sat on the arm of the sofa and waited, rubbing his tired eyes and yawning.
Able to see Kim’s screen. Kim had faltered, her baby on her chest, her caesarean wound still knitting together, her husband sitting patiently at her side.
Finally, she texted Zara. She and Zoe would like to come to the vineyard to drop off her birthday present that evening.
When she’d finished, Rohan held out his hand.
“It’s not at full battery. I’ll put it back on the charger for you.” He glanced at the message as she passed it over and said lightly, “I’m not sure tonight’s going to work. I’m meeting my parents.”
“That’s okay.” Kim made her tone match his. “I can go on my own.”
“I don’t know.” He smiled at her. This was a version of Rohan that she knew well. Rohan the peacekeeper, the patient stepfather, the family man. “We missed Zara’s real birthday. I think I’d like to be there, too.” Rohan the decision-maker.
Kim sat awake for the rest of the night. By the time morning dawned, her husband had been thinking.
“Maybe we should give Marralee a miss,” he said over breakfast. “You’re tired. I’m tired. The trip might be a bit much.”
“We have to go.” Kim looked him in the eye.
God, this dance was excruciating. Her phone was no longer in the bedroom.
She’d seen Rohan carry it outside along with an armful of baby supplies and she could picture it in the locked car, placed carefully in the central console along with a bottle of water and some snacks and spare diapers.
“What about your dad?” she tried. “His test results?”
“Dad wouldn’t want to make things difficult for you.”
“Rohan.” Kim played her best and last card. “Everyone’s expecting us. They all want to see Zoe. If we don’t go, they’ll be worried. They’ll come to us.”
She was right, and he knew it. He took his time, though, cleaning out the fridge and taking out the rubbish and packing the final bags and securing the house, and Kim waited, holding her baby, until at last he had run out of jobs. He unlocked the car. It was time to drive home.
Charlie was calling her again. It was the second time in as many minutes.
Kim sat in the passenger seat next to Rohan, Zoe fast asleep in the back.
From the bushland surrounding them, she knew they were still at least half an hour from Marralee.
Her phone rang from the center console. Kim glanced over at Rohan. His eyes were on the road.
“Are you going to get that?” Rohan didn’t look at her when he spoke.
Kim wasn’t sure what the right answer was. The ringing continued.
“Get it.” Rohan’s voice was as steady as ever. “Don’t want to keep Charlie waiting.”
Kim reached for her phone, and as her fingers closed around it, Rohan glanced in the rearview mirror. It was fast, but she caught it, as she was meant to.
“Perhaps keep it short, though, yeah? Your baby’s asleep in the back.”
Your baby. Kim’s stomach lurched with a force that made her want to double over. Your baby. Not our baby.
Rohan nodded at the ringing phone. “Charlie wants you.”
“I’ll get rid of him.”
The words came readily. Kim’s thoughts were spiraling, but her response was automatic, and somewhere amid the noise she found herself clinging to a small, solid truth.
I know how to keep my husband happy. Consciously or not, she had perfected the art.
Rohan had spent their marriage training her in it.
So for better or worse, she possessed those skills.
She knew what to do, and she could do it now.
Kim concentrated, lifted a finger, and answered the call.
“Kim. Hey.” Charlie’s face appeared on the phone. He sounded a little surprised, and Kim couldn’t blame him. He rarely called these days. It was even rarer that she picked up.
“Hi, Charlie.” She swallowed. Her voice sounded strange to her own ears and she sensed Rohan glance over.
Charlie didn’t seem to notice. As he adjusted the angle of the phone, Kim caught a glimpse of the vineyard kitchen.
She’d spent so much time there that it still felt like hers, and a wave of homesickness washed over her.
Greg and Rita were there, too, she could see, and a tall man she didn’t know.
Her elder daughter edged her way onto the screen, and Kim felt the familiar pang deep in her chest. “Hello, Zara, sweetheart.”
“Where are you?” Charlie was saying. “Still in the car?”
“Yeah. We’re—ah—” She couldn’t think. Still thirty long minutes from town. “Near the eastern bridge now. Listen, Charlie, what’s up? It’s not a great time, Zoe’s asleep in the back.”
She caught the swift flash of jealousy in Zara’s eyes and had the overwhelming urge to reach through the screen and take her daughter’s perfect troubled face in her hands. Oh, Zara, you silly, beautiful girl. Zoe has never, ever replaced you. You must know that, don’t you?
But Zara was already looking away, and Charlie was wearing that odd fixed smile he had when he was trying to pretend he was fine, and suddenly it all felt so wrong that Kim could barely stand it.
See, Rohan? she wanted to scream at her husband, even as she pressed her lips tightly together. Nothing for you to get all upset about. I chose you over them, didn’t I? Look! Right here. Look at my broken relationships with my daughter and her father. What more could you want?
Rohan knew her well enough to read her silence. “Calm down, Kim,” he murmured. His face didn’t even change.
“That Rohan there?” Charlie cleared his throat on the other end of the phone. He was trying, Kim could tell. He had always tried. “Congratulations on the little one, mate.”
For a horrifying moment Kim felt completely, wholly blank. What was a normal reaction to that? She twisted the phone screen so Charlie could see her husband. Rohan nodded and raised a hand.
“Thanks, mate,” Rohan said, so pleasant and measured that it made Kim feel light-headed. “Sorry, we had better keep it down, though, if that’s all right.”
He glanced in the mirror again, for longer this time, and something about the way his eyes settled on Zoe sent a jolt of fear through Kim.
Rohan wouldn’t actually hurt them. Would he?
No. Surely not. He was upset, but Kim really couldn’t believe he would cross that line.
But, the reservoir—Kim slammed that door shut.
Later. She could not think about that now.
Still, this conversation felt very wrong.
She needed it to be over, so she could sit carefully in the car, not moving, not speaking, until they emerged from this dense, empty bushland and were back in town, on solid and familiar ground.
“Charlie.” Kim aimed for brisk and cool. “We’ll talk later, okay? I’ll see you and Zara soon, anyway.”
“Hang on, Kim, it’s actually about you coming by tonight. We’re not going to be around, sorry.”
There was a pause in which Kim could hear only the blood rushing in her ears.
“Was that tonight?” Rohan said, and Kim simply stared at him.
“Yes. Remember?” Her own voice seemed odd. They would be able to tell. She put her hand over the phone to muffle the sound.
“But I can’t,” Rohan said, still perfectly normal. “I’m meeting my parents.”
Kim blinked at him, entirely unsure for once how he wanted her to react. “I was going to stop in while you’re at the restaurant,” she tried.
Zara had elbowed her way closer to the screen now, chattering fast about something. Going out with her friends, Kim guessed. She took her hand away so she could hear better.
“—and I’ve already said I’d meet them. So that’s okay, isn’t it?”