2. Amina Sinclair
Amina Sinclair
“KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK”.
It was the morning of getting on the road with Gemini.
Truthfully, I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into, agreeing to getting on the road with someone that couldn’t stand me just as much as I couldn’t stand them.
The way I saw it, I don’t think that there was anything else in my life that could hurt me worse than what I was already going through.
“You can come in,” I responded, already knowing that it was Gianna on the other side of the door.
It took about a second for the door to push open, and just like I expected, it was her.
She walked in with a smile on her face, and she was holding onto two coffee mugs in her hands.
She came over, handed one to me, while she kept the other one for herself.
I watched her as she lowered herself onto the bed, choosing to sit on top of her right leg.
Her left leg was there dangling, just inches off the floor.
“I’m glad to see that you’re ready, and your bags are packed.
I know my brother. He doesn’t play when it comes to time management.
I know for a fact that he would leave your ass if he pulled up, and you weren’t ready,” she said, followed by her bringing the mug closer to her lips, and she slowly took a sip.
I haven’t drunk mine yet. I chose to hold it in my hands, lowering it. I propped it against my lap, while I kept it in my hand.
“How are you feeling this morning?” she asked me.
Her question made me unsteady. I wasn’t upset that she’d asked me the question, but these days, whenever anyone texted me, or called me, they would ask me the same thing that Gianna just asked me.
They would inquire about how I was doing.
Granted, I knew that they were asking it because they simply cared about my wellbeing, and they wanted to know the kind of mental state that I was in, but every time I was asked that question, I was reminded about what happened between Jacob and I.
It was a reminder of what no longer was.
It’s only been a month. I’m not sure if people thought that I would be over it by now, and be in better spirits, but to be honest, it still feels like the heartbreak took place yesterday.
It was still too fresh. The wound was still exposed for me to be able to sit here and tell people that I was doing fine.
“Gianna, nothing has really changed. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m sad. I think the feeling that I feel most is embarrassment—”
“Amina, embarrassed why? You didn’t do anything to be embarrassed. He should be embarrassed. He’s the one that called off the fucking wedding like a coward a week before. He has to live in that embarrassment. Not you,” Gianna’s voice rose a little bit, as she looked me in my eyes.
Any time conversation was brought up about the wedding, I would get emotional. I wasn’t surprised that tears began to fall from my eyes. I needed my hands to be free of anything, so I leaned over, so that I could place the mug on the carpeted floor.
Once my hands were free, I used them to wipe away the tears that had fallen.
“If anyone has a glimpse of how much this is hurting me, I think that person would be you. I remember childhood conversations that me and you would have. Probably when we were about ten or eleven. I remember being in the room with you. You would lay at the foot, and I would lay at the head. You saw marriage as a child because of your parents. I saw it too with my parents. Because of that, we wanted marriage of our own one day. You would always say that you wanted your wedding to take place on the beach,” I started.
I laughed through the tears that were falling from my eyes.
Gianna laughed too, remembering the conversations that we used to have.
“You were always so over the top, that you would say that you wanted your wedding at a castle,” Gianna reminded me. I nodded my head towards that because she was right about that.
“Gianna, I believed it. I’ve been believing that since I was a little girl.
So much so that the wedding that I was having with Jacob was set to take place in a castle.
My dreams never changed. I knew what I wanted.
I had dreams of the husband. The home. The children.
I wanted to grow old with someone. I wanted to have the kind of love that my mom used to have with my dad,” I went on.
Gianna turned her body, so that she was able to face me, and she picked my hands up, placing them in hers.
“You also used to talk about the happiness, Mina. The undeniable love. You used to say that you wanted someone to love you the way that your dad loved your mom. Someone to choose you. Jacob wasn’t that.
Best friend, I know it hurts. I just want you to see it from the same perspective as I’m seeing it.
I need you to know that you dodged a bullet,” she reminded me, telling me what she’s been telling me since she’s found out what happened.
“Maybe I did. That’s not what’s hurting me though.
What’s causing the pain is that the life that I thought was going to be given to me is no longer a thing.
Like my life meant nothing… like my feelings meant nothing…
like what everything that we’ve been building these past few years meant nothing to him, he just stripped me away from it.
Gianna, that hurts,” I was honest with her.
Through watery eyes of her own, she looked at me with so much compassion, and sympathy.
“Amina, I won’t tell you how to move on from this.
I don’t think there are any words for me to even say.
The only thing that I want you to stop doing is continuing to carry onto a future that no longer exist. I really, really need for you to put that part of your life down.
It’s easier said than done, but you have to,” she said to me, and through my brokenness, I nodded my head, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do it so quickly.
“I want to Gianna. I just don’t know how,” I said. She removed her hands from holding onto mine, so that she could wipe away the tears that were lingering on my face.
“Which is why I suggested getting on the road with my brother in the first place. This trip will teach you to put that part of your life down. Gemini even said that the roads are like therapy for him. I feel that it’ll help you escape.
Think about it like this… When Gemini pulls up in the next few minutes, no one on that road knows your story.
Everyone in their cars have their own problems that their dealing with, so no one is worried about yours.
It’s just going to be an open road,” she explained to me, and I needed to hear that, but I still had my doubts.
“You think I’ll come back the same person though? What if I’m just as broken as I was when I left?” I asked her, and she laughed.
“Amina, you’re getting ready to get on the road with my brother for two months. I can assure you that you won’t come back the same person,” she said.
I nodded, and then I stood up from the bed. Gianna continued to sit. Her eyes were on me, and I could tell that she was going to finish our conversation off with just one more thing.
“Leave your issues with Jacob here. Leave the embarrassment here. The hurt, and the anger,” she finished it off with that.
We didn’t have to talk about it anymore. It was for the best. If we continued to bring it up, all I was going to do was continue crying, and that’s not what I wanted to do.
There was a dresser on the side of the room that had a mirror attached to it.
I chose to walk over to the dresser because I wanted to get a look at myself.
Aside from my eyes being blood shot red, the physical part of me looked amazing.
Usually, when I’m stressed, my skin would have a reaction to that, and I would break out.
This time, that wasn’t happening. Maybe my skin didn’t get the memo that I was going through a dark depression because my face was still glowing.
I didn’t have any enhancements on my face right now, outside of the lip-gloss from Dior Lip Glow oil, which was my favorite product to apply to my lips.
My hair was styled in braids. Crazy because I haven’t had braids in years.
I think the last time I had braids was back when I was living in Miami.
When I came back to Miami just a few weeks ago, I was in such a dark place.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very much in that dark place, but I was getting a little better.
With that, I wasn’t taking care of my hair.
It wasn’t like me to go so long without washing my hair or tending to it.
Last week, Gianna suggested that I get braids.
You know that I had every excuse in the book, telling her that I didn’t want to leave the house.
She had an answer to all my problems, telling me that the girl that braided her hair would often come to her house for a house call.
She was able to book an appointment for me, and that’s how I ended up with these beautiful knotless braids.
They were a mixture of small and medium. Very neat. They weren’t tight or anything, so even right now, I was able to have them pulled up into a neat bun. With the bun in my hair, I felt like it helped to show off my beautiful facial features.
Knowing that I was getting ready to be inside of a truck for hours at a time, I didn’t overdue it with my outfit.
To know me is to know that I loved to put together a nice fashion piece.
Back in London, people knew me for my fashion sense, just as much as they knew me for my name.
I love fashion. Not the loud fashion though.
Like the overly loud designer, that was branded all over.
That screamed that you wanted attention.
I liked the kind of fashion pieces where you had to look at me, and you didn’t know what I was wearing.
The brand wasn’t flooded all over my look.