Ch19_EAA_EBOOK #3
I rolled onto my side to face him, but then my breath caught in my throat when I realized we hadn’t brought my pregnancy pillow. Our bodies were no closer than a usual night, but now we didn’t have a barrier separating us.
A little tingle crawled up the back of my neck as I looked at him, but then Annie and Brady kicked each other so violently that I gasped.
Beau let out a sympathetic hum. “They really are giving you a hard time, huh?”
“Every day,” I sighed as my belly rocked.
I clocked his gaze, fixed on my bump and the precious children inside. The tingle on my neck returned and the air around us thickened like honey.
I gnawed on my lip, silently debating my next move, but I gave in. “Do you want to feel them?”
His eyes widened a little as he looked up at me, but he nodded. Slowly, I took his hands and rested them on my belly.
“And…there,” I said as I adjusted his hand to my left side. “That’s Brady, and on the right is little Annie.”
The twins rolled and kicked, each one of their tiny movements popping off like miniature fireworks across my belly. Beau splayed his long fingers across the satin fabric of my nightgown, certainly determined to catch every flutter and bump.
“They’re magnificent,” he whispered after a few minutes. “You’ve done a wonderful job, sugar.”
My heart swelled. My cheeks ached with my smile as I watched Beau finally feel the twins. His thumbs stroked my belly as he talked to them, telling them how excited he was to meet them and how happy he was to be their dad.
Soothed by his words, the twins settled into stillness.
“You put them to sleep,” I whispered.
He let out a little hum and patted my belly. “Goodnight, babies.”
He paused, just for a moment, before placing a gentle kiss on the left side of my bump, then my right.
I held my breath. Beau gazed at our babies for a moment more and said, “I love you.”
The inside of my chest seized. He said it to the twins, not me—not me—, but I still heard him, still savored the words like the first sip of warm tea on a cold night.
This was why I hadn’t let him feel the twins sooner. We were close, much too close, and I needed to ground myself back into reality.
I pursed my lips and swallowed. “So, you saw Katie at the gala.”
His eyes flicked up to meet mine and his brows furrowed. “She was there?”
He didn’t have to lie to spare my feelings. “How could you not see her? She was only a few tables away from us. She certainly saw you.”
I instantly hated how bitter I sounded. Beau looked down at the mattress, a muscle feathered in his cheek, and a line formed between his knitted brows as he looked like he was rifling through a dust bin.
After a few moments, his eyes met mine again.
“I don’t remember seeing her,” he said, “I…I didn’t notice any woman there but you.”
My lips parted, but I couldn’t breathe. All the air in the room suddenly became too tight, too heavy, because he was giving me that look again.
Even though I was stretched and swollen, carried bags beneath my eyes and hunched with the weight of motherhood on my shoulders, Beau still looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.
Though I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t back away.
Couldn’t stop myself from reaching up and holding each side of Beau’s jaw as I drowned in his eyes.
Couldn’t fight the gravitational pull that drew me closer, or the weight of my lashes as they fluttered closed, or how my lips gently pressed against his.
I had to have him.
Beau slid his fingers through my hair to cradle my head as he kissed me back.
I played with the soft hair at the nape of his neck and breathed in the spearing scent of the hotel soap.
The sheets rustled beneath us as he pulled me against him as closely as he could.
His lips softly trembled against mine with every kiss, as if at any moment either of us could activate a landmine.
But kissing him wasn’t enough, just like sharing a bed with him wasn’t enough, and dancing with him wasn’t enough, and spending nearly every waking moment with him wasn’t enough.
“Beau,” I whined between kisses. “Please.”
“Please, what, Olivia?” he whispered into my mouth.
My hand trailed down the muscles on the side of his body until the very tips of my fingers disappeared beneath the waistband of his flannel pajama pants. My body had ached so much that we hadn’t had sex in weeks, but I needed him so badly that I didn’t care if it hurt.
“Please,” I begged against his lips.
“Just one more,” he promised, then he pulled my mouth to his again. The kiss was long and lingering, his thumbs stroking my hair as he gently breathed me in. My toes curled against the sheets—I could have melted like chocolate right onto his tongue.
He slowly broke the kiss and then whispered, “Get comfortable and I’ll come to you.”
I rolled over, facing away from him so I could rest on my left side. Beau slipped off my underwear and lifted the hem of my nightgown over my hips. He settled in directly behind me, his warm chest against my back and erection pressed into the soft curve of my ass.
He slipped his hand between my legs and traced circles around my clit as he kissed my shoulder and the back of my neck. I moaned and shuddered as he worked. My skin prickled with goosebumps. Pleasure flowed through my body.
When I couldn’t take the emptiness any longer, I reached back and wrapped my hand around him, guiding him into me. He groaned as he entered me and I gritted my teeth, fighting against the tightness in my hips to open up to him again.
“Liv,” he huffed against my shoulder, “are you sure?”
I reached back and grabbed his thigh, pulling him closer and driving him deeper. I gasped at the sharp stretch inside, but I craved more of him.
“Please,” I repeated.
So gently, patiently, he eased his way in until my body finally accepted him. I rolled my head back against my pillow and moaned from deep within my chest as he took me nice and slow, teasing my clit all the way.
His breath huffed against my shoulder blades as he kept pace, placing possessive kisses on my tattoo, my arm, and the top of my breast—everywhere his mouth could reach. He slipped ragged whispers in French across my earlobe that I couldn’t understand.
I didn’t know how to respond, and even if I did, I didn’t want to. So, I arched my back, dug my fingers into his thigh muscle, and let my body talk.
Too long had my different identities been at war with one another—a caring mother holding out against a ruthless lawyer, an independent adult imprisoning the inner child who yearned to be held. Each role placed a new burden on my back, forcing me to question who I was going to be.
But when Beau touched me, all I had to be was a woman.
The tension between my legs mounted until I spilled over. The climax was a long, languid unraveling of my entire nervous system that kept going long after I had surrendered. Just as I thought I couldn’t take anymore, my limbs trembled and then went slack.
A sweet exhale left my lips as my eyes felt heavy. I had only barely felt the warmth of Beau finishing inside me before I let out the sigh that sent me to sleep.
The nightstand clock read 3:14 a.m. when I woke up. Beau was still behind me, his chest rising and falling with his easy breath and his arm wrapped around my belly. I quietly peeled myself away from him and got up.
After I left the bathroom, I found myself staring out the window at the lights of the city. A quiet chill settled over me as I spotted the tower where my old firm was, then I found my apartment building—still waiting for me after all this time.
I looked back at Beau, still fast asleep, and then returned my gaze to the window.
Maybe I didn’t want to live in the city anymore. An apartment wouldn’t be ideal for young children, anyway. I could buy a house in the suburbs so Beau could be closer to the twins.
None of the big firms would work for me anymore, either. I could find a law firm that would let me work from home, or just live off Beau’s generous child support and do contract work for other lawyers.
But the idea of continuing to survive from Beau’s charity sent off alarm bells in my head—the weaker parts of my psyche were winning. My nervous system woke up again, every instinct in my body blaring so loudly that I had to release the noise.
I rifled through my suitcase until I found my pregnancy journal. I crawled onto the cushioned seat beneath the window and opened my journal to a blank page.
I clicked my pen, and under the glow of the glittering lights of the city, I wrote:
“I can’t marry. I just can’t. The world is messy, cruel, and unstable, and I learned early on that the only person I could rely on was myself. Everyone in my life either left me or died, so why would Beau Fontaine be any different?
He’s not the same Beau from high school, and I don’t even think the hateful, snobbish person I remembered had ever even existed.
But is enjoying my new companionship with Beau like falling asleep in a poppy field right before a deadly frost rolls in?
What if his personality changes? What if he gets sick like Mom did?
What if he eventually thinks I’m not worth staying for like my dad did? ”
I bit my lip so hard it nearly bled as tears filled my vision, but I let the confession spill out.
“I love him. I love him, I love him, I love him…but I can’t keep him.
Even though Beau and I are broken in identical places, he deserves someone who will love him loudly and boldly.
Someone who will cheer for the Crimson Knights next to him.
Someone who already knows how to waltz. Someone who isn’t awkward, or defiant, or who fights with him.
Someone who will allow herself to be delicate. Someone who isn’t afraid to stay.
And if I can’t be what he deserves…I have to let him go.”