Experiments in Love

Chapter 18

Murphy’s Laws of Love #19

“Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.”

“I,” Toni mumbled, her heart drumming out her need. He waited, so close the silver highlights in his blue eyes mesmerized her. The warmth of his hands in her hair, the nearness of his body made her muscles grow slack and every nerve vibrate. Damn, woman, you want to kiss him, want to know how it feels, so what are you afraid of?

She leaned forward the inch separating them, and closing her eyes, she touched her lips to his. She felt him smile and matched her mouth to his. His entire consciousness focused on her lips, she could sense it, the world gone still around them, the only reality their mouths. His kiss wasn’t a persistent pressure but a gentle fire, ignited when he started to move his mouth over hers, a slow savoring she’d never experienced before. It wasn’t technique, but something else. A cherishing.

Any effort to analyze the sensations evaporated when he made a thrumming noise deep in his chest and slowly opened his mouth. The thrill of it shot though her. She set her hands on his solid wall of chest and leaned in, her mouth softening against his. God, more, she wanted more. She pressed herself against him, but gasped. Something poked her in the stomach.

Toni looked down between them. The boxers now stood tented out in front of him. She looked up. He had this sheepish grin on his face. “I hope this won’t come between us.”

She had to laugh, leaning on the counter for a moment. His expression didn’t change. She laughed again at his double meaning. “You’re so weird.” She threw her hips forward, molding her body to his, the length of his erection now hard up along her stomach. His eyes went round. With her lips touching his, she nuzzled his nose with hers, and whispered, “It won’t. I’ll make sure of it.” She felt his chuckle pulse through her.

He wrapped his arms around her back and waist, drawing her as close as her clothes would allow and kissed her, harder than before, passion in every move. He was enjoying kissing her, staying in the moment, controlling his driving need as it thrummed through his body. She caused it, her. The recognition fanned her desire.

But a vital part of her held back, waiting for the tongue down the throat or a grab for her breasts, ready to give directions, ready to control the man.

As she lost herself in how his lips caressed hers, a deep part of her unwound, let go. It didn’t matter. This was too good. This time she felt no need to take command. God, she wanted him.

His hands moved up and down her back and she teased them both by rubbing her hips against his. There were moans, but she wasn’t sure whose they were. She needed to do something before she became a puddle on the floor. She pushed away, wobbling for a moment, and then held out her hand. Breathing hard, BJ’s questioning look disappeared with a smile, and he covered her hand in his.

Blood pounding, body aching for more, she led him to her bedroom. She turned on a bedside light, barely noticing that she hadn’t made the bed or picked up all her gym clothes scattered from the day before. She didn’t care. Offering her back to him, she waited for him to unzip her dress and undo her bra. Once they lay around her feet, she slipped off her underwear, turned around, and stared. He’d laid his boxers on a nearby chair and stood hands at his sides, completely unabashed, naked, and magnificent. Blinking several times, she finally found her voice, “Geez, BJ, next time warn a girl, okay?”

He chuckled and whispered, “All right, next time I will.”

At the implications of that comment, she looked up; his gaze was intent on her. She didn’t think she’d ever seen such an expression before. It was an artist admiring a work of art, ardor held in check, someone totally engrossed in —her. It made her blush. “What?”

“Words fail me.” He had a soft smile lighting his face, not mad lust. “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

As warming as his confession was, when he stepped toward her, she froze, intimidated by his sheer size, his rippling physique. His intimidating rage earlier this evening with Martin leaped to mind, the mystery of who he was, and yes, his imposing erection.

She remembered the universal praise other women had for him as a lover. The male light in his blue eyes ignited a strange panic, her inadequacies as a lover washed over her, a cascade of ice water.

What was she doing? What was she doing? Minutes ago she wanted him, hardly containing herself, and now, she considered hiding, unsure what she was getting herself into. Naked, she sat on the bed, pulling up a blanket around her, chills traveling up her arms.

BJ stopped in the middle of the room, studying her, visibly attempting to slow his breathing. “If this isn’t something you want, I’ll go.” He picked up his boxers and waited for her answer.

“No!” Her voice squeaked, probably the least sexy sound she could imagine. “I sniffed your shirt while you were in the shower.”

“And you think that is why you were attracted to me so passionately in the kitchen?”

So passionately. Now she was thoroughly embarrassed. “Could you put on your shorts?” When BJ did, Toni closed her eyes for a moment, trying to collect herself. She patted the bed beside her.

When BJ sat, he turned to her, his forehead wrinkled in concern. “You didn’t smell the solution. I put it in my hair to avoid clothing contact—and my hands, of course. In any case, I limited its effectiveness to about fifteen minutes. It had completely dissipated by the time we reached your condo.”

“Oh.” So it was all her. All him. “I’m sorry, BJ. I don’t know what came over me, or why I am suddenly so nervous.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll catch a cab.” He stood.

He respected her hesitation, didn’t push, though she sat naked on the bed. He didn’t ignore her doubts, as brainless as they were. That was endearing. No, kinda hot. “I don’t want you to go, BJ.” He sat down next to her again. They didn’t speak for a while, a surprisingly comfortable silence. With a tense smile, she said, “I don’t know what to say or do now that I’ve got you in my bedroom.”

“So you aren’t just being a merciless tease?”

Toni gasped and rounded on him. “You—”

With a grin, he whispered close, “Gotcha.”

Toni shot him a dirty look, but couldn’t help smiling, shaking her head. She gazed at him, again amazed. How did he do that? Bare-chested beside her, she could feel his warmth, his magnificent body inches away as he calmly sat waiting for her to do what? She’d extinguished the hot passion that drove them to her bedside. She wanted it back. “Bonnie said you studied a number of sex manuals.”

“I have, both Western and Eastern.”

“Anything about dealing with fickle, idiotically reluctant females?”

He gave her a soft smile, kissed her cheek and neck, and stared off in space for a while in BJ fashion, clearly taking her question seriously.

“Well, there is one in a set of activities I translated from Mandarin a month ago that might be applicable: S u e Pian, “ The lady of the moon.” Written in the 11 th century, it recounts forty-three lovemaking styles practiced by an imperial noble and his consort in gardens and woods, where each tree or flower suggested a new way for pleasuring each other. One approach might work.” He gave the word work a risqué emphasis.

Intrigued, she’d unwound enough to give him a teasing smile. “Okay. What would I have to do?”

He leaned over, gently pulling the blanket from her hands. She didn’t resist, much. “You don’t have to do a thing.”

Feeling more exposed than just her nakedness, she placed her hands on her thighs, then in her lap, finally waving at the bed. “What? I just lie here, and let you do your worst?”

He looked at her askance. “It wouldn’t be my worst. It’s called something like Whispering Storm or Desire approaches on soft cat’s paws . Mandarin is difficult to translate, and sexual activities are often given more than one title, more than one meaning.

BJ watched her fuss with her indecision for a moment, rubbing her knuckles and biting her lip. He walked out into the living room, leaving her feeling abandoned, wondering if he’d run out of patience with her. Soon he strode back in, removed his boxers, and showed her a couple of condom packs, which he laid on her nightstand and turned off the lamp. The light from the living room provided soft illumination, which created fascinating shadowed planes and contours across his muscled torso. He slid across the bed and lay behind her on his side, elbow under him.

He patted the space in front of him. “Lay down and relax.”

She eyed him over her shoulder. He gave her a ‘Well?’ rise of one eyebrow.

“On my back?” He nodded. She didn’t know what to expect. This was so unusual, exotic, and yes, because of that, intriguing. BJ’s calm confidence with no sense of hurry or male demands reassured her. “Is this typical Chinese fare? Will I be hungry again in an hour?”

He gave her the sexiest grin. “One can hope.”

She laughed, rolled her eyes, but did as he asked.

“Get comfortable. Will you be warm enough?”

She nodded. “What, if I wasn’t, you’d lay a blanket over me?”

He nodded. “Hands by your sides or over your head, your choice. It’s recommended that you close your eyes, but it’s not necessary.”

“Recommended by whom?”

“The Chinese author who I think was the consort. I can tell you more about it later. I will try to remember their instructions as we go.”

Toni put her hands over her head, burying them under the pillow her head rested on.

“Okay, Captain, I’m comfortable. Ready for takeoff.” She surprised herself with the quip as she was still nervous laying naked before him. It earned her a chuckle from BJ, so she was pleased.

“Now relax and become aware of your body. Let your muscles go lax and feel gravity pushing you into the bed.”

After working to relax, she said, “Now what?”

“You don’t have to do anything, remember?”

“I just did a lot of relaxing and feeling gravity.”

“Point taken. NOW you do nothing, just listen, and feel.”

“That’s still—”

“Now you’re stalling.”

“Point taken.”

“I can see you’re going to be a difficult lover. Achingly exquisite, but difficult.” He gave her a stern look. “Close your eyes.” She smirked but closed her eyes. She liked him taking charge, calling her beautiful, and his lover, more a promise as yet.

BJ began, his voice a quiet, serene tone, which still held a hint of excitement. All very mysterious, but at the same time heartening. He sounded like he knew what he was doing.

“Eastern religions, beginning with Hinduism, then medicine, and Chinese philosophy claim the central meridian of the body have power locations, vortexes of energy or chakras. They number from five to nine depending on the era and country. You and I are only concerned with three.”

“Our first chakra is the center of passion, the fountain of desire. For a woman, the power is here.” She thought the place was obvious. She tensed her legs, but he ever so gently touched her stomach an inch below her navel. Her muscles jumped and rippled, causing her to gasp. He began tracing a soothing path across her lower stomach with his fingers.

“This is a primitive chakra, called the Sacral Chakra, or Svadhisthana, is the wellspring of passion, of the life force. It is also the most tender, most exposed area of the body, causing the primal reaction to touch. Animals curl up to protect the area. From here, desire grows, a warm, dancing cloud, slowly fills the body.”

Toni grew lost in the sensations, the tingling across her skin traced by his fingers, his voice warm and languid. All BJ did was tenderly massage a small area of her belly with a few fingers, but it was the most sensual thing she’d ever experienced. A champagne-bubbling sensation grew in her middle, a sense of peace infused her muscles, yet she could feel a feral hunger sparking, little flashes low in her belly under his caresses, slowly filling her. Such an unusual, but strangely familiar sensation dominated her attention. She didn’t know how long he massaged her. It could have been seconds or minutes before he spoke again.

“The second chakra, the Manipura is here.” BJ slid his right hand up her torso, his thumb creating a line of electricity up the middle of her body from her navel until he stopped, his thumb in the little hollow below her sternum. His hand rested on her ribs below her left breast. He simply pressed a little. It felt like that one hand was holding her whole body down from floating. “This is the location of air, the power of breath, inhaling the energy of the world. Passion filling the body ignites deeper breathing to take in power of the world.”

Surprised, Toni felt her chest rise, lungs fill, pulling up that effervescent sensation into her body. The new awareness increased her breathing further, drawing up, and expanding the pulsating desire gamboling through her.

She breathed in his silence, becoming aware of her body, its shape, her skin, the need curling up through her torso, leaving an exciting tingling in its wake. BJ spoke in a quiet contemplative tone, but his voice deepened, demanding her attention.

“There is nothing more exhilarating than watching the rise and fall of a woman’s breasts as she breathes.”

This singular observation made her even more conscious of her body, how it must look to him. Was that BJ’s belief or was he quoting an ancient Asian? It didn’t matter. Her breathing became irregular, excited. There was a pooling sensation between her legs. The pressure of his hand on her ribs, thumb resting almost between her breasts, provoked a deeper thrill. What would he do next?

“The breathing increases the power of the third chakra.” He lifted his hand, and his fore finger came down between her breasts, “the heart or Anahata Chakra. ” His finger didn’t move but the pressure made her very aware of her heart pounding. “It beats faster to match your breathing. The heart sends power, blood, and desire to all parts of the body, preparing it for the storm.” His voice, his words were becoming mingled with the physical sensations as though he were orchestrating and experiencing what was happening to her body.

“The breasts become heavy, the nipples erect. Desire makes them ache deliciously.” He stopped as though waiting for her to sense it all. It was an ache she wanted him to relieve. She could hear herself making little humming sounds in time with the exciting vibrations dancing down her body.

“The writer believed the most sensitive area of a woman’s breasts were where she blushes, across their tops.” He ran his hand across the top of her breasts. Her skin prickled with his caress. She wanted him to press harder. His hand went to the side of her breast, and she shivered, his touch exhilarating. He needed to press harder to relieve the ache.

His hand slowly fondled her breast as he said, “This is an answer to the ache, a release of passion.” She surprised herself by pressing her breast into his hand. “The body wishes to merge with the growing storm, while the mind struggles to maintain control.”

God, she was excited, wet. On the edges of her awareness that storm still in the distance was approaching, roiling clouds, promising lightning strikes. She could feel it. How was he doing this?

His hand moved down her body. She gave a disappointed sigh with his abandoning her breasts, but the sparkling fire his hand created down her middle as she anticipated another revelation made her limbs restless. She wanted to hear his voice, that slow, considered energy she couldn’t help but trust.

“The author likened a woman to an iris flower. The heart’s power also flows down to bring a blush to that flower.” His hand rested on her mons, a delicious pressure. Her breath seized for a moment. Then his fingers touched her knee, sliding to caress the back of her knee. Such an exotic feeling, making her shiver. He then ran his hand down the inside of her thigh, applying more pressure than before as though preparing to grip her tight.

“She is an iris, the outer petals are smooth and firm.” His hand moving up and down the inside of her thigh, heating her need. She knew she was spreading her legs but couldn’t tell whether she did in response to his strokes, or whether he moved them.

“The outer petals lead to the inner petals.” He finally touched between her thighs, sliding fingers around her labia. “The inner petals are more delicate.” His fingers lightly explored her lips. She felt the storm roiling closer all around. She heard herself chuckle at the unbelievable sensations. Then came the first flashes of the storm.

“This flower even has a stamen.” His thumb gently rubbed her clit as his fingers played at her entrance. Her hand shot out to grab his arm and the storm rushed close, the lightning strikes heating the blood roaring in her ears.

He didn’t stop with the caresses. She leaned over to pull him to her, but she couldn’t because his arm, a steel rod, kept her from succeeding. He massaged between her legs, not rough, or hurried, the feelings exquisite, overwhelming. His fingers finally entered her, him whispering something about the flower’s nectar, telling her softly, calmly, “Don’t rush it, enjoy. Let it come in its own time.”

And of its own volition, it did, rolling tides of pleasure, the powerful strikes rocking her. Wave after wave shattering her mind, the pleasure at each crest, blindingly intense.

Sometime later, she lay limp. She’d never experienced anything as powerful, and he’d hardly done anything compared to her other lovers, all with one-hand. She opened her eyes to find him still beside her, smiling down in that quiet way he had.

“That, that was amazing.”

“I’m glad. You look more relaxed,” he said with a teasing smile. “But we’re only halfway done with the ‘Whispering Storm.’”

“Oh, maybe later. I’m completely crushed.”

He looked puzzled at her words, but with that endearing guileless confidence of his, he shook his head. “We’ll see.” He touched her in the same spot below her navel, and muscles leaped again. This time it took her breath away. In reaction, a quick intake of air immediately left her breathing ragged and her heart hammering against her sternum. He ran his hand up her body, finishing by cupping her breast. “You are so amazing. The most exciting woman I know.”

Of all the things men had said and done in or out of bed, she had never felt so seduced by so few words. As he leaned over to kiss her hard, she felt the storm come galloping from all sides this time. She ran her hand through his hair and over his chest as she lost herself in the feel of him. His expression so alive with desire, his eyes so full of appreciation, he left her suddenly bursting with anticipation, aching with wanting him. “Show me.”

~ ~ ~

At some point they’d fallen asleep, waking in the dim light from the living room, she regretted it. She wanted to look at him. She lay across him, his wide chest raising and lowering her as he breathed as though she were floating atop the sea of the world. She was too lethargic, too comfortable to do more than enjoy the sensation. She’d avoided sleeping with men, perhaps because the few times it was in their apartment or a hotel. With Jeff on the boat, it had been more intimate than her other two experiences, but nothing like this, nothing like this man.

Her cheek rested against his warm shoulder. She tried to wrap her head around what she’d just experienced, so unique, leaving her feeling what? During the second half of “Whispering Storm” he’d finally entered her, resisting her urge to hurry. He didn’t start rocking at first, holding that most intimate position for an age as he kissed her face, neck, and breasts, his hand continuing to heat her skin. The explosive climax seemed to last forever. She heard feral sounds, hers, and BJ’s, her name being spoken, but she remained too lost in the bliss to remember much.

Toni could now understand what Bonnie had told her about BJ as a sexual partner, but the experience was still so unexpected. She’d anticipated a compliant lover, one who’d let her lead. Instead, he’d been powerful, surprisingly inventive in coaxing her out of her funk. The force of his desire, though very apparent, had never left her in its wake or made her feel that her body was simply an apparatus for his pleasure. She’d let him lead and was happy she had. How he’d so delightfully blended commanding with consideration, she didn’t know.

She grinned. It was compellingly exceptional, however he did it.

She must have fallen asleep again because when she next opened her eyes it was light, and BJ had moved. He was sitting up against the headboard and she was curled up next to him. He was looking down at her with a sleepy, but very contented expression. He gave her a warm smile. “Good morning, Counselor.”

Toni threw a leg over his hip and ran a hand slowly down his chest, shooting him a challenging look under her lashes. “Same to you, Doctor.” Toni sat up. “Jeesus, BJ! Your forehead and eye are black and blue.”

He felt the bandage and his face. “My eye does feel swollen.” He cocked his head. “What did you do to me?”

She chuckled. “Nothing yet.” She gave him a seductive glance through her eyelashes. “So, you have more to tell me about the Whispering Storm?”

“I thought if I told you it was designed to prepare virgins for their wedding night or as a concubine, you would have had second thoughts.”

“Seriously?” When he nodded, she ran her hands through her hair, trying to be embarrassed, but failed. “This morning, it’s my turn with the Whispering Storm. Lie down with hands over your head and eyes closed,” she said, patting the bed.

“You haven’t read the treatise.”

She dramatically frowned over this problem, but then brightened. “I guess I’ll have to rely on my experience last night, and my imagination.”

Much later, they somehow ended up laughing in her shower. They were both ticklish in the strangest places. As she finished washing him as meticulously as he’d washed her, she looked up through the steam to see that extraordinary expression on his face again—part admiration, part desire, part something else. She felt dazzled by it. What was he admiring? Why the strange, considered examination?

Stray insecurities surfaced. Was he looking at her scars, deciding her eyes were too wide apart, butt too small? A less-than-adequate lover? She wanted to elicit that expression, craved it, even though it made her so self-conscious. Was she deserving? Was he reconsidering last night, this morning? It was such a curious mixture of emotions, coupled with her tingling all over from his recent ministrations. She asked what a woman should never ask a lover, “What are you thinking?”

“I’m not sure I should tell you everything.” He smiled. “You are such a captivating woman. You leave me pixelada at times.” He didn’t say more, but continued to watch her, now with a puzzling reticence. After a night and morning filled with a complete absence of any hesitation or reserve, it struck her as doubly curious.

“I leave you what?”

“ Pixelada .” He pulled her to him. “It’s a word Rosa Contreras, my first nanny, used to describe me as pixilated, spellbound, a space cadet, that sort of thing.”

Toni smiled mischievously running her hand over his chest and six-pack. “I see. So I leave you spellbound, do I?”

“Without question.”

“You mean more than your other conquests?” She raised an inquisitive eyebrow. She mentally cringed hearing the words and winced at BJ’s chiding look in response.

“Seriously?” His use of her catch phrase made her chuckle.

“Okay, okay, it’s an unfair question which I shouldn’t have asked, and you shouldn’t dare answer honestly.”

“Oh, I dare to, but would you believe me?”

Toni crossed her arms, suddenly feeling strange having this conversation naked in the shower, but she wanted to hear his answer. “Try me.”

“Other women could be enchanting, but only you leave me pixelada, unable to recall what day it is, lost in the pleasure of your company.”

Well, that was about as smooth as anything she’d ever heard. “Ooh, good answer.”

He pulled her to him still slippery with soap.

She braced her hands against his chest. “So what aren’t you telling me?”

He didn’t respond, but grabbed her rear and buried his head in her neck, obviously trying to change the subject. “Oh, don’t be coy now.” She pulled his head away by his ears. “Not after last night and the shower now.” She gave him a flirtatious look through her eyelashes. “What aren’t you sure you should tell me? You’re married?”

He shook his head at her teasing. He blew out his breath slowly, and after pausing to stare into space, touched his forehead to hers. “That I love you.”

Toni froze, then broke away, and looked at him, intent, and expectant. No, no, no. The three words that ruin everything . “BJ, I’m-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed it. I didn’t want, I didn’t mean—” His expression slowly hardened into the old neutral mask she hadn’t seen for weeks—all because of her. Toni suddenly burned with embarrassment, aware of their nakedness. “I’ll go—go make tea,” she said, exiting the shower.

Grabbing a towel, Toni dried herself vigorously trying to think, her back to him. When she heard him step out of the shower, she tossed a towel at him, pulled on a robe herself, and left the bathroom.

She collected his cleaned suit and clothes, laying them over a living room chair, and then went to heat some water. She pursed her lips, trying to concentrate—and hot water for him, coffee for me. As she worked in the kitchen, she heard his bare feet slap the wood floor of the living room. The sigh of fabric against fabric told her he was dressing. Finally, a bar stool creaked. When she turned around to place a cup of hot water in front of him, he sat wearing his blue shirt and slacks. His expression hadn’t changed. What could she say?

She leaned against the kitchen counter across from him. “Look, BJ. Last night and this morning were all kinds of wonderful, but that shouldn’t be confused with love.”

He pressed his lips together for a moment and then calmly said, “I agree.”

She blinked at that, eyeing him apprehensively as he methodically dunked a tea bag in his cup. “Then, then you agree that you might be overreacting?”

“No, I do love you. My conviction isn’t the result of last night. It was an expression of it.” He looked up at her, but she wasn’t able to meet his gaze.

He was so damned forthright about it all. She didn’t want to hurt him, but love? That wasn’t the BJ she’d expected after his other women. She poured herself a cup of coffee.

“I don’t understand. BJ, I didn’t mean to give the impression that I—”

“Cared?”

She scowled at him, incensed. “I do care. I do like you. Or do you think I go to bed with men I don’t care about?”

“No, no, that never crossed my mind.”

“I didn’t mean to—to give you the impression that—” She ran out of words, unable to finish. She laid an open hand on the counter between them. “What did I do in the last six months to bring this on?”

He gave her a smile, warm but sad. “Just you being you.” Toni turned around to fix her coffee so she wouldn’t have to see that look. The clinking sound of BJ stirring his tea grated on her.

“Just for the record, Toni. I didn’t fall in love with you in the last six months.”

“Then when?”

“Two years ago.’

“What the?” She spun around but seeing his stalwart expression, Toni couldn’t think of a response. Still rattled, she grabbed her cup too fast, spilling the hot coffee on her hand. She swore as she set the cup down and ripped off a paper towel to clean up. Over her shoulder, she said, “You fell in love with me during a half-hour meeting to renew your contract?”

“More or less.”

There was a weariness in his voice that made her look over her shoulder. “Seriously, BJ? Maybe you were attracted to me, but love?” He cocked his head but said nothing. “I’m sorry if I— Look, at that meeting, if I led you to believe that I—”

“You didn’t.” He smiled sadly. “I fell in love with you. That’s how it felt, falling. I fell in love with who you are , Toni. I didn’t expect or look for the emotions you incited, and I certainly never entertained the hope that my feelings could be returned.”

Somehow, his words hurt, made her stomach churn, but she didn’t want to consider why. “So, exactly how did you fall in love with me in a half hour?” Did she just ask that? “BJ, I’m sorry. This is a complete surprise to me.”

BJ eyed her as though he expected more from her, but then nodded. “I was waiting to meet with you about my contract, but you had a salesman, a Derek something in your office about the legal aspects of a large sale. I listened to your conversation. You were very professional, yet you flirted with him in humorous ways without making the meeting drag on. It lasted about twenty minutes.”

“I made you wait twenty minutes?” She was appalled. She never did that.

“No, I came early.” He half-smiled at her alarmed reaction and continued with a wave of his hand. “I hadn’t paid attention to the time. I thought the meeting was at ten, not ten-twenty. In any case, you and Derek seemed to like each other.” He frowned a bit. “I think you dated him a few times after that.”

Was he jealous? Derek had proven to be all hands, and no sense. “So?”

With a raised eyebrow at her impatient tone, he said, “When Crystal came in to tell you I was waiting, she left your door ajar. I heard you say, ‘Right, the science geek. Well, let’s get this over with.’” He said it in such a matter-of-fact way, she was sure he was holding back his resentment.

“BJ, I didn’t mean . . . I’m sorry if . . .”

He waved away the apology. “Then when you met with me, you treated me exactly like you’d treated Derek. The same inflections, teasing, including a flirting comment or two. I admit I had no I idea how to respond, but that didn’t change your behavior toward me. And you ended the meeting as graciously as you had with Derek, including your smile and handshake.”

He took a sip of his tea and looked at her. “That’s why I fell in love with you.”

“That didn’t mean . . .”

“Anything? Yes, exactly.”

“What?”

With a small grin at her open-mouthed reaction, he said, “You had no reason—or need—to treat me like Derek, show the ‘science geek’ the same respect, particularly when you thought I was a clueless man-child.”

Toni jerked as if slapped. “I never thought that.” Then she blinked. She had, but she’d never said it aloud. Had she? She tried again. “BJ, I didn’t think you were . . . I was just . . .” Damn it, girl, stop stuttering . “That was professional courtesy.”

He nodded. “I certainly admired the basketball player I’d watched at Stanford, but I fell in love with the woman whose personal ethics led her to treat me like everyone else when she didn’t need to and didn’t hold that high opinion of me.” A shadow crossed his face as he looked down at his tea.

After contemplating the cup for a moment, he looked at her again. “You have no idea how few people, particularly women, granted me that kind of consideration.” He finished his tea and stood. “As I listened and watched you work in the last two years, particularly the last six months,” he said with a raise of the eyebrows, “My respect and feelings only deepened. You are quite a woman, Toni.”

Her head was wrestling with her heart, and her stomach was suffering for it. “BJ, I can understand infatuat—some attraction—but seriously, how can you think it’s love?”

He stood and grabbed his coat and tie. “You mean how could I, Mr. Inexperience, possibly understand such things? Thank you for not calling it puppy love.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Are you sure? Somehow you think my feelings aren’t real. I’m not experienced enough to recognize or understand real love?” He paused for a moment, but when she didn’t answer, a fierce frown crumpled his brows together. The frustration it revealed was truly alarming on his bruised face.

“Toni. I am ridiculously inexperienced socially, and less conversant than you when it comes to relationships, but don’t, don’t confuse that ignorance with na?veté. I know what love is. I have loved and been loved by good people. I know what I feel for you. I know why, and our chemistry —as strong as it is now —didn’t have anything to do with my falling in love with you then.”

“Chemistry. It’s what you know, right? We aren’t talking about a hormonal formula or compatible pheromones?”

“For me? Considering my physical shape two years ago that wasn’t physically possible.” He eyed her for a moment and then lifted an open hand to her. “Maybe I should apologize for making love to you under false pretenses, but I can’t. It’s what I wanted.” He gave her a compelling look of longing and whispered, “More than I can say.”

She came around the counter. “BJ, I never meant to—”

“No.” He sliced the air with his hand, cutting her off. “ Don’t . It was a memorable night. And of course, you had no intention of hurting me. I don’t blame you at all.”

She gaped at him. “Why not?” That’s what other men do. “I’m the one who came on to you last night.” Toni found it difficult to breathe, her throat closing up.

He shook his head, frowning. He put a hand to his temple, saying, “You mean bandaging this? You retreated as soon as you felt my . . .”

“Yeah, yeah, but . . .” She saw his scowl, and said, “You’re angry with me.”

“No. I’m angry with myself, my actions, with this situation. I could have avoided it. I’m the one who followed you, pushing for a ‘Yes.’” When she crossed her arms, holding herself, fear, shame, and anger warring for expression, he looked away for a moment and then shrugged, this time a gesture expressed with his whole body. “I am the one who said I loved you.” He pursed his lips, then said, “Toni, I knew what I was doing, and I know you.”

Feeling trapped by his reasonableness, anger won out. She slapped the counter between them. “You know me? Bullshit .” Instead of anger or denial or justifications, he simply threw his coat and tie over his arm and waited, watching her, calmly and self-contained. It completely disarmed her. “Then why didn’t you friggin’ say something two years ago, or anytime in the last seven months? Last night , for Christ’s sake?” Her words trailed off to silence. She knew the answer to those questions.

Yet, he nodded, as though the questions were reasonable. “I’d hoped that . . .” He looked at the floor for a moment and repeated “Hoped” with an unhappy quirk of his mouth. Then he gave her a weary, sorrowful look. “Because I wanted to avoid this conversation, knowing what you’d say, and why.” With that, he turned and left.

Toni stood stunned, frozen in place for a moment, then ran into the hall to call him back, but she couldn’t find the words.