Chapter 21
Murphy’s Law of Romance #15
“The game of love is never called on account of darkness.”
She drifted in a warm sea, dark and soothing. Gradually, it came to Toni that she lay in bed, so relaxed, her limbs so leaden, she could feel gravity pushing her into the mattress. Smiling at the memories of similar, earlier sensations with BJ, she heard the beat of rain falling outside. The sounds wove a cocoon about her in the cool air. Sleep slowly evaporated but she didn’t want to wake up. It felt so good just lying here, so peaceful.
Under the covers, Toni realized she was naked, which didn’t concern her. She usually slept that way. Only when her last memories floated to the surface, did she stir. She’d been in BJ’s lap and had obviously fallen asleep. She reluctantly moved an arm but found herself alone. The distance to the edge was too small to be her bed. Had BJ undressed her? What about Rena and Sam, his other guests? Mortification washed over her. She was a child all tuckered out and put to bed by the adults. It took time to recover from that impression.
She convinced her eyes to open. It was pitch black. She found a lamp on the nightstand, turned it on, squinting at her surroundings. It was the guest bedroom that Bonnie and Joan had occupied. Her street clothes, flip-flops, swimsuit, and robe lay across another bed. She tied the short robe around her, and after using the guest bathroom, went out into the hall. Night lights glowing low along the hall allowed her to see that Sam’s bedroom door was open and his bed empty. Padding out to the kitchen, she noted the microwave clock read 4:30. She’d slept eight hours straight. The windows let in enough light to navigate, but she hesitated at the foot of the stairs leading up to the master bedroom.
Did she want to go up there? What would BJ do if she did? Was he up there? He might have left with someone else. He could drive now.
Maybe she should get dressed and leave.
No, she wanted to find BJ. Hell, she wanted to find out who put her to bed, and if anyone shared his bed. That stab of jealousy gave her the energy to mount the stairs.
She stepped onto the landing facing the open French doors leading out to the terrace. The rain was a steady drum riff on the terrace tile. To her right, open double doors revealed the master bedroom as she remembered it, huge with a massive bed in the center. She could tell the bed was occupied because there was a night light near the bed. A nightlight? Seriously?
Tiptoeing through the open double doors, she thought the bedroom appeared as big as her condo. Toni had the impression she was entering the king’s royal chambers by candlelight.
She relaxed when she saw BJ. He was sleeping on his side alone. His bare shoulder rose and fell with his breathing. His arm lay across the covers, his features hidden in the shadows. She stepped up to the side of the bed where she could see his face. Watching him sleep in the dim light, she could imagine BJ as a little boy, his short hair ruffled and face innocent.
Unspoiled, that’s how Rena had described Sam and BJ. But did she deserve him, able to give him what he wants, what he needs? Was she emotionally beyond her expiration date, spoiled and incapable of real love?
A stream of six months of embarrassing memories kept her from waking him. Between her pitiful request to be held, falling asleep, and then being put to bed, now she was a little girl again approaching her father’s bed when there was lightning, too frightened, too stupid to know better. Da had always sent her back to her room. She detested the remembered emotions, the hurt, and scolded herself for dredging them up now. She didn’t want to think about those things, and she didn’t want to leave. She wanted him .
Toni didn’t know how long she’d been standing there lost in her thoughts when she noticed that BJ was awake and watching her.
He quizzically raised one eyebrow. “You realize, don’t you, that buses don’t stop here?”
His first words were so unexpected that she stupidly said, “Yes,” but sheepishly smiled.
“Then what have you been waiting for?”
“Did you undress me?”
“That’s what you’ve been waiting to ask me?”
“Yes, er, no.” Shyly amused by his sardonic question, Toni stuffed her hands in the pockets of the robe. “Did you?”
BJ chuckled and shook his head. “Rena had me carry you to the guest room and shooed me out.” He grinned. “I was ready to help.” Shrugging innocently at her pursed lips, he said, “Rena said you were exhausted, so we decided to let you sleep. She and Sam went to her place.”
“Geez. So I was in your lap snoring away when Tracy and Günter came to say goodbye?”
“You weren’t snoring. Drooling a bit, but not snoring.”
She kicked the bed hard enough to jiggle him.
“You certainly are the most physically expressive woman I know.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes, but then I’ve only recently begun meeting women socially.”
She chuckled against her will at his droll delivery and crossed her arms, unsure of what to say.
BJ looked at her for a moment and then raised the sheets in invitation. He was naked.
After a moment’s hesitation, she dropped her robe and crawled in beside him, turning so her back was up against his chest, the bottom of her thighs along the top of his. She didn’t know why she did that, but with him she felt free to act on impulse.
He reached over her waist and rested his hand on her stomach, pulling her closer into his sheltering warmth. She waited for his hand to do more, but all he did was gently caress her middle, a familiar sensation. He kissed her neck, sending chills down her arms, but only once.
After some time, he said, “I believe this is called spooning, or maybe the spoon position?”
“That sounds rather old school,” she whispered back, melting into the slow tummy rub. She could feel him smile but he said nothing more and did nothing more than tenderly move his large hand from her ribcage to hip in leisurely circles.
When Toni felt herself falling asleep again, she frowned and turned her head to look over her shoulder but caught herself. She was going to question his motives again, to ask why he wasn’t trying to do more with his hands.
After a moment, BJ asked quietly, “Yes?” His hand never quickened the caresses but continued its hypnotic path across her stomach.
She relaxed her head into the pillow. “Nothing.”
“No, it’s something.”
“I was going to say it feels soothing.” When he remained silent, seeming to wait for more, she laid a hand over his hand caressing her stomach, and whispered, “I wanted to ask you why you were doing this.”
“Because, babe, that’s what you seem to need at the moment.”
“Oh.”
~ ~ ~
Toni blinked at the sunlight peeking through the window slats. Far too comfortable, it took a while to realize where she was and that she’d fallen asleep again . She had her head on BJ’s chest, one leg thrown over his. She felt more rested and languid than she could ever remember feeling. Eventually, she looked up. His shoulders up against the headboard, BJ gazed down at her with that expression again, eyes kind and his smile admiring. It was a look she wanted to see, wanted to incite, but she still felt unworthy being the recipient.
“Good morning,” he said, his voice soft and vibrant.
She ran a hand through her hair to hide what she knew was a blush. “That looks like an uncomfortable position.”
He grinned. “It has its benefits.”
She looked at the light coming in the windows. “What time is it?”
“It’s after eight.”
“Geez-Louise, I never sleep this late.”
“Well, it appears I put you to sleep.” He grinned at her glance of reproof. “It seems you needed it.”
“I suppose.” She stretched and was gratified to see BJ’s blue eyes brighten as he followed her movement. “Last week was a hard one. Thank you for inviting me to the Tough Mudder. I needed a break.” She gazed at the window patterns the sunshine made across the bed. It was Sunday and she needed to— The sight of BJ laid out naked next to her, made her recognize that she really didn’t give a damn.
After a typical pause studying her, he said, “I’m very glad you came, though I certainly didn’t expect you to end up in my bed.”
“Lucky you,” she said wryly, still feeling the warmth of a blush.
“Very lucky.”
She frowned. “Didn’t you have things to do today?”
“I decided not to last night. I was beat too.”
“Oh so you didn’t make any plans for my somnolent body?” Toni sat up and looked at him, one eyebrow raised.
“Too tired. Besides Rena gave me the evil eye, telling me ‘Hands off.”’
“Oh, so you do what Rena tells you?”
“Absolutely. I take it you haven’t been ground zero for her evil eye?” When she shook her head at his silliness, he shrugged. “Besides, she has Sam in her pocket, and he does all the cooking.”
“Now that I can believe,” Toni chuckled and absently ran her hand over his middle, again amazed by the ripple of muscle there. She moved her hand lower.
BJ caught her hand and eyed her. “Are you sure about this?”
“Well, Rena didn’t tell me ‘Hands off.’”
“Lawyers certainly are practiced at finding loopholes.” He smothered her laugh with his lips. Without thinking, her lips softened, her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. As the sensations poured though her, she pressed against him, inviting more. She gave herself up to the pleasure of his body under her hands, of the fires his caresses were igniting. It all felt so good, so right.
~ ~ ~
Toni rolled over in the empty bed. She’d dozed off yet again. Unbelievable. Stretching, Toni smiled at the small aches and tingles the movements produced. The lovemaking had been, had been what? Indescribably good. The man had done everything right. She pursed her mouth. Or maybe he hadn’t, and it just felt that way? Toni shook her head, disgusted with her incessant need to critique. Now she was questioning even the best experiences.
She hugged herself, wondering why she’d fought her attraction to BJ for so long. Was she so hung up on appearances? She thought of BJ, his magnificent body as she gazed around his amazing bedroom. Yep, Crenshaw, you’re not blind, just incredibly shallow .
She hopped out of bed and twisted at the waist, feeling wonderfully alive. Her mood made it easy to be honest with herself. She’d fought her growing attraction to BJ because he’d been so different, and she’d been suspicious of men her entire life. And now? She’d fallen in love.
She paused in mid-stretch, stunned by the thought. Have I? This wasn’t her past experiences of the ‘L’ word, not with her family, and certainly not her relationships with men, not at all. This felt like so much more, so much better. BJ was so unique, a much better man.
With a grin at that conclusion, she tiptoed out to the head of the stairs and listened. It sounded like BJ was making breakfast, the sweetie. She needed to get cleaned up, so she wandered into his palatial bathroom, smiling when she saw a dozen big, fluffy towels folded on a metal shelf, hotel-style. Then she saw his massive 360-around shower. She didn’t hesitate.
Toni walked out of the bathroom drying her hair as BJ passed the bedroom doors with a tray of food. He glanced in and smiled. “ Muévete, belleza desnuda. ”
“What?” she shouted after him.
He stuck his head around the door. “‘Get a move on, you naked beauty.’ Grab your robe,” and then he wiggled his eyebrows, “Or not, and come out to the terrace. It’s breakfast time.” Surprising herself, Toni considered the second option. It wasn’t warm enough after the rain for a nude breakfast, but she was intrigued by the idea of enticing BJ and sure she’d enjoy the consequences. In the end, she threw on her robe. Stomach growling, she wandered out barefoot after the food.
Typical of Washington, the rain had been followed this morning by clear sky and sunshine. It was pleasant on the terrace, cool air, and warm sun. BJ dried off the table and two chairs. They ate and laughed over all the funny events of the Tough Mudder.
“I wish we had pictures of Rena when she lost her tank top in the mud—the first time,” Toni laughed. “She didn’t think to tie up the bottom of it until she’d lost it, what, four times?”
“Yes, her expression was priceless—each time.” BJ nodded, grinning. “She thought using one of Sam’s tank tops would give her more room to move.”
“It did.” They both laughed and Toni shook her head. “It’s a good thing she wore a sports bra.”
“Well, some folks were disappointed.” BJ finished his fruit and sat back, the smile gone, studying Toni.
When he didn’t say anything more, Toni set her fork down and gave him a patient look. “Okay, what?”
“I’m glad you came with us yesterday. I’m even happier you stayed the night.” He gave her a nice smile but didn’t say more.
“But?”
“I made a joke in the elevator Friday at your expense, but I can’t be your friend with benefits.” Regret and pain weighed heavily on his brow. He was playing it safe with his heart in spite of what he wanted.
She hated his expression and that she was capable of putting it there. Guilt made her defensive and an old anger flared. She spoke without thinking. “Why? You’ve had any number of friends with benefits, haven’t you?”
Unable to contain her nervous energy and to avoid any hurt look from him, she abruptly stood and strode to the terrace concrete railing. The lake lay sparkling under the morning sun and a gentle breeze ruffled her robe. When she glanced back, he was frowning, staring into the distance. “Sorry, that was uncalled for.”
After a pause, he said, “I suppose that’s true. They are friends.” He came over and leaned on the balustrade. “But I’m not in love with them.”
“Why not? Tracy is a fine person. So are Bonnie and Chris. What about the others?” Even as she said it, Toni was disgusted with herself. She sounded as jealous and childishly insecure as she felt. “I’m sorry, BJ. I’m being catty.”
He frowned quizzically, gazing at her. “They are all wonderful women. They aren’t you. I’m in love with you .”
Toni was working on a rejoinder, throwing up more arguments when BJ moved closer, capturing her full attention. He placed his hands on her arms, and said, “Do you remember when Bonnie said she was frustrated because she had limited access on that Bridge to BJ?”
“That’s not quite how she put—”
“Give the lawyer a rest.” He half-smiled at her flummoxed expression. “She and other women didn’t have full access because it had already been reserved for you .”
“Oh.”
He dropped his hands and walked back to his chair, falling into it. “Perhaps this is the unequal intensity you spoke of.” He shrugged, his broad shoulders raising and falling slowly. “I don’t know, Toni, maybe I’m weaker than you,” he said, “simply too inexperienced, but I know I couldn’t bear you being a part time lover,” he sighed. “Or sharing you with other men.”
And then he waited, composed and silent.
Toni closed her eyes and concentrated on breathing. Why was this so hard? She knew the answer. Opening her eyes, she stared off toward the lake and forced out, “I don’t think I could either.” She faced him and gave a shake of her head. “You’re not weak. It’s me being a fool.” She bit her lip. “I don’t know how you could love me.”
She came closer and stood in front of him, nearly touching knees. “I was so suspicious of your formulas because I was so attracted to you —a lot more than I ever felt before. More than . . . You aren’t the type of man I usually” —she flipped her hand despondently— “usually . . .” She pursed her mouth, frustrated with her struggle to speak. She sighed. “Well, you know.”
He gave her a thoroughly compelling male smile and held out his hand. When she took it, he pulled her down onto his chair. She straddled his lap.
BJ took her head in his hands and kissed her gently. “I found it easy to love you, your personal ethics, your incisive intelligence, your unexpected kindness, and sarcastic humor. Then there is your courage.”
Toni had never felt so shy, and so surprised by it. “BJ, my-my admiration for you continues to grow. You are an unbelievable man.”
“Does this mean you might have similar, possibly even equally intense feelings for me?”
Toni smiled crookedly and placed a hand over his on her cheek. “That was adroitly phrased, Doctor, but I won’t dodge the issue anymore.” She ran her fingers though his hair. “Yes, it means, it means that I’m in love with you.” The courage it took to say the words was amply rewarded by the look of joy that transformed his face.
He beamed. “The impossible can happen.”
She gave him a quirky smile. “So, you haven’t been trying to seduce me all this time?”
“Hey, this is me, the nerd you’re talking to.”
That triggered guilt. Her smile disappeared.
His grin faded and he shook his head. “No, love, I wouldn’t have known how, and you are very good at seeing through such tactics.” When she opened her mouth to protest, he placed a finger on her lips.
“I didn’t want you convinced , not that way. When I saw a chance to be near you, I took it. It was enlightening to have your ideas when I needed them—a revelation.” He gave her a half-smile, and said, “I was smart enough to insist on you as the Rayaneta liaison. Your company was and is always challenging and engaging. You leave me mesmerized, but no. I never once thought I could somehow maneuver you into bed, let alone into your heart.” He gave a weak laugh.
“I’ve become so good at being realistic, knowing the difference between what I want and what is possible for me to have. I had no idea how to win your respect or love, but at least I could enjoy your company, regardless of how much you distrusted me.” He gazed over her shoulder. “It was self-inflicted torture, something else I’m practiced at.”
“BJ.” She ran her hands through his hair, feeling his pain, not knowing what to say.
His hands wandered down to the cord knotted in front of her robe. “If I thought I could seduce you, if I’d known the ‘how’ of such things, I would have gone for that in a heartbeat.”
He glanced at her with a lopsided smile. “I don’t trust enticing words of persuasion in promotional ads or socially.” BJ untied the knot and pulled back her robe, sliding it down over her shoulders.” I’ve wanted to tell you how sexy and stimulating a woman you are.” His eyes wandered over her face and shoulders. “How breathtakingly beautiful. Watching you move, watching you smile that crooked smile, it makes me glad to be alive.”
He kissed her bare shoulder and neck right under her ear. “Your sharp wit.” He gave her a roguish grin. “And tongue. You’re always thought-provoking.”
His grin did strange and wondrous things to her insides. “You don’t need perfume, Toni. You can drive me crazy with just a look—like the one you’re giving me now.”
His hand slid the robe lower and caressed the side of her breast, giving her delicious chills. “I’d have to say something about your perfect breasts, or your compelling dark eyes, or how alluring your lips are, particularly when you run your tongue over them like you are now.” He gazed at her with an intensity that was breathtaking, humbling, frightening, exciting.
Toni couldn’t stand it; she had to act. She grabbed the hand that was teasing her and placed the palm squarely over her breast. “Enough words already,” she whispered. “You had me at breathtaking.”
With a chuckle, he pulled the robe down to her waist and gathered her to him, thoroughly kissing her, making it difficult for her to work his robe open.