Chapter 1 An Experiment in Going Offline （and Possibly Talking Less About Cat Colons） #2
Simone: That’s not the point. How many times? Ugh! Never mind. Just tell us what’s changing for Season Two.
Maya: So, this season we’re going to do things a little differently. Since I remain a spinster, and last year was not what we would call a romantic triumph, we’re going to try something entirely new and revolutionary. So groundbreaking that it’ll leave you breathless. We’re going . . . offline.
Simone: But Maya. What can you mean?
Maya: I’m so glad you asked, Simone! Since the advent of the Tinder era, meeting one’s match in modern civilization has transformed unrecognizably.
Centuries-old traditions for coupling have changed in an instant.
Recent studies show that one in ten partnered American adults claim to have met their match online.
I gave it a whirl with disastrous results.
So, after years of doing it badly, I wanted to make sense of it.
So, I used my science background and started a blog—
Simone: A hilarious blog.
Maya: Aw, thanks. Anyway, one thing led to another, and now here we are doing a podcast.
Simone: You haven’t answered the question, Maya.
Maya: I was just getting to that. So, for years I’ve been swiping, and super-liking, and matching, and commenting, and sending the first text, and coming home at the end of a long day to message literally dozens of men about how my day was.
Simone: Why do they always ask how your day was? Why is that the opening gambit?
Maya: I really have no idea. But we did crunch the figures last year, and it says here that seventy-six percent of men messaging me on dating apps between the years of 2022 and 2026 began a brand-new conversation with the line—and I quote—“Hey Maya how are you.”
Simone: Crap, that’s just . . . so uninspired.
Maya: Yes. And, almost across the board, without punctuation.
Simone: Nooooo!
Maya: Yes!
Simone: Monsters!
Maya: Right? Punctuation is the window to the soul.
Simone: Okay, we’re getting distracted.
Maya: Anyway, so, because we tried so many dates, the “modern” way last season that didn’t work, this season we are denouncing all apps, and we’re going to try it the old-fashioned way: offline.
Simone: Ooo.
Maya: Do that again.
Simone: Ooo.
Maya: That’s right. So, we’re trying a few new methods—last week I went with my mom to temple, so that she could throw me at men, which was harrowing, and will be next week’s episode while I’m busy traveling.
And yesterday I actually let my parents set me up with their friend’s son, and we all had dinner together.
Simone: What do you mean “all”?
Maya: My parents, his parents, and the two of us.
Simone: Holy shit. That’s a triple date from hell.
Maya: Actually, the parents were the best part. They were pretty funny.
Simone: And the date?
Maya: Oh, a total disaster.
Simone: Thought so.
Maya: I have also tried other age-old methods, which you’ll hear about the following week, but the focus of this season’s episodes will be—buckle up—my traveling across the world to find love offline, the old-fashioned way. With a matchmaker. In Ireland.
Simone: A matchmaker, you say?
Maya: That’s right, Simone. A fourth-generation Irish matchmaker will be totally in charge of my love life for the next month.
Simone: So this is personal, right? This matchmaker is going to spend time getting to know you and find out, say, how you eat spray cheese directly out of the can, and then he’ll scour the country for gentlemen who he thinks could love you in spite of the cheese.
Maya: Yes, exactly! His name is Jackie Kelly, and he’s actually invited me to go stay with him at his country cottage for the first week, until I get my bearings.
Simone: Wow. He’s going to regret that.
Maya: And I’m starting things off with a bang—
Simone: Let’s hope so.
Maya: Don’t be crass, Simone, it’s beneath you. But yes, with any luck I’ll meet some sexy Irishman and be screaming Erin go bragh before the week is over. Wink.
Simone: Please don’t say “wink”—we’ve talked about this.
Maya: But they can’t see it.
Simone: Tell them about the damn festival, Maya, before I quit.
Maya: Okay! So, I’m leaving next week because . . . drumroll, please. I will be willfully participating in the traditional Matchmaking Festival, which happens once a year in County Clare, where singletons come from all over Ireland for a shot at love.
Simone: Amazing.
Maya: Right? It’s just too good to be true!
Simone: This whole thing is just . . . adorable.
Maya: I don’t know how I feel about a big dating festival, but after last year I have serious app burnout, so I’ve got to give it a try. Plus, I’ve never been to Ireland before. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a big hit over there!
Simone: Sure. Maybe they like emotionally stunted women who refuse to fold their laundry.
Maya: Exactly!
Simone: Men of Ireland, you heard it here first. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Maya: Oh! And I almost forgot. I’m really excited about this part.
Instead of dating experts to guest-host every episode, I’m going to interview real-life couples who have had their match made by my matchmaker.
I’m hoping for some great stories here. And hopefully some advice about love and life that I can apply to my own dates.
Simone: I honestly can’t wait.
Maya: Me neither.
Simone: Do you think we’ll be able to understand their accents?
Maya: Here’s hopin’!
Simone: Okay, so now that we’ve got all of that straight, and we’re all geared up about the next episodes, why don’t you introduce this episode?
Maya: Oh yeah. So, stay tuned to hear about my triple-date dinner with Derryl the Disgusted.
Simone: Oh no.
Maya: Yeah. Unfortunately, Derryl learned a lot more than he bargained for about cats with enlarged “megacolons.”
Simone: What? Why! I thought it was a dinner date.
Maya: It was.
Simone: Why the hell didn’t your parents stop you?
Maya: Well, all the adults left the room to get dessert for fifteen minutes, in what I suspect was a ploy to leave us alone together, and I got nervous.
Anyway, stay tuned to hear more about Derryl’s horrifying journey after these messages from Dragon Hoard book box. Have I mentioned how obsessed I am?
Simone: Maya, please. You never shut up about it.
Maya: Yeah, Derryl wasn’t a big fan either. Turns out steamy dragon rider smut isn’t for everyone.
Simone: Your loss, Derryl.
Maya: We’ll be back in sixty seconds, and in the meantime, start writing in with your dating advice. We love to get it, and we may read it out, or even ask you to join us on the show.
Simone: Yeah. Please. Maya needs all the help she can get.
Maya: I’ll take anything at this point.
Simone: Those rescue cats are going to eat you alive one day.
Maya: It would be a mercy.