Chapter 3 An Experiment in Time Travel with Frozen Bananas #2
“Well, thanks, Annie. I have so many questions. Let’s see . . .” Do I? No! Holy shit! But I knew how this game worked. Make it quick. Make it shallow. And give plenty of room for innuendo. “First question is to all three bachelors. What would you say is your best quality?”
“Bachelor Number One,” prompted Annie.
“Me best quality is . . . something something something right enough . . . blah blah big hands . . . yadda yadda with all those damn crows!”
“All right, then! You all heard that!” Did we? “What about you, Bachelor Number Two?”
“Well, I’d love to show you my best quality tonight, Maya, but you’ll have to wait until after dinner.” The audience roared. I think I actually heard the wink in his voice. I squirmed, but he was clearly the crowd favorite.
“Bachelor Number Three.”
“Oh, I would say that my best quality is that I always repay a favor, even when it goes against my better judgment. Like agreeing to come up onstage for this ridiculous circus. Wouldn’t you say so, Annie?”
I scoffed. That’s not how the game is played!
“And you’ll owe me another favor if you don’t start behaving yourself!” But Annie laughed, and it seemed the scolding was just for show. “All right, next question, please, Maya.”
Let’s see. Something a little more out there this time. “So, for all three again. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be?”
“Well, I . . . something something something . . . birthday suit.” What the hell? Everyone laughed. Damn. I should have done more research into Irish accents.
“Christ on a bicycle!” Annie laughed. “All right, Bachelor Number Two.”
“If I could choose one superpower, I would fly, so that I could pick you up in my strong arms and fly you to Jamaica, where we could go skinny-dipping and have sex on the beach . . . the cocktail, I mean, of course.”
“Whoa!” I laughed. All right, Grandpa. Keep your hair on!
“Bachelor Number Three.”
Another pause. When the answer finally came, it sounded like it had to be dragged out of him. “It would have to be time travel. So that I could go half an hour into the future to when this is all over.”
My mouth hung open. What? So rude! He actually sounded pretty salty, but somehow this just made people laugh harder. People
pointed at my shocked face.
“Well, now.” Annie wagged a finger. “If that’s how you talk to a lady, it’s no wonder you’re single! What do you think of that, then, Maya?”
Two can play that game. “Actually, Annie, I agree. Because talking to Bachelor Number Three makes me feel like I need to travel back to the time when this pint glass was full.”
“Oh ho! You hear that? Get the lady another drink. You may have just met your match, Bachelor Number Three.”
“I very much doubt that,” he said, and I scoffed again. Outrageous!
“What do you say, Maya? Does poor behavior put you off, or do you fancy a bit of a grump, like?”
“I mean, when the chip on his shoulder is that big, Annie, it kind of makes you wonder what he’s compensating for.” The crowd laughed and whistled, getting rowdier by the minute.
“The only thing I’m compensating for is your terrible questions.”
“That’s what they all say.”
“Good Lord, they’re bickering already!” Annie said, and everyone clapped. Jackie’s smile was like its own spotlight. “All right, settle down, now, settle down. We want to be able to hear question three, now, don’t we?”
I stretched my arms theatrically, laced my fingers, and cracked them like I was just getting started. “Okay, for Bachelors One and Two—if you were an animal, what animal would you be?”
“Just for One and Two?” Annie asked.
“That’s right. I have a different question for Bachelor Number Three.”
“Interesting. All right, then, Number One. Which animal would you be?”
“Well. Blah blah blah hound dog, because something something something combine harvester.” Everyone laughed.
“Did you hear that, Maya?” Annie laughed.
“I sure did!” I lied.
“Bachelor Number Two.”
“Well, I think if I died and came back as an animal, I would want to be one of your cats, Maya. Because those lucky bastards get to spend all day naked in your bed while you stroke them until they purr.”
Holy shit! Is he allowed to say that? That’s so dirty!
People roared. One man threw his hat on the stage. They were eating this up!
“I might send you back to the pound if you can’t behave,” I said.
“Oh no. Don’t do that, Maya. I’ll be a good boy.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.”
Annie laughed. “Do you have a question for Bachelor Number Three, Maya?”
“Similar question but a little different—Bachelor Number Three, pretend you’re an animal, and give me your wildest mating call.” I smiled wickedly. I’d seen similar questions on The Dating Game. The results often involved silly monkey impersonations and were invariably embarrassing.
“No. I’ll not be doing that.”
“Ahh, come on, Bachelor Number Three, be a good sport,” Annie said. Nothing happened. Then the audience started shouting and cheering. “Come on, now, the good people in the crowd are awfully invested. You don’t want to start a riot, do ye?”
He waited a long moment, and I suppose he eventually realized that he didn’t have a choice.
“Christ. Fine. My mating call to you would sound like this.” He cleared his throat, making me wait for it, and I could hear that he’d leaned in closer to his microphone, playing off of the crowd. “Choose. Anyone. But. Me.”
“What kind of animal is that?” Annie asked.
I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure it’s a jackass.” Everyone laughed, even the bachelors, and I thought I even heard a deep, scratchy rumble that might have come from Number Three, but I couldn’t be sure.
“All right, last question before you have to make your big decision, Maya.”
Oh! I hadn’t prepared anything. Oh well. One dumb question was as good as any other.
“Okay. This is another one for all three gentlemen. If you were a dessert, which one would you be and why?”
“Bachelor Number One.”
“Bread pudding. Blah blah blah all the leftovers. Something something, hot and steamy . . . something something, those damn crows again!”
I was so glad I was recording this. I couldn’t wait to get it translated.
“All right. Good answer. If you like that sorta thing,” Annie said. “Bachelor Number Two.”
“Well, I’d be one of those frozen banana thingies that you keep in your icebox. Because, Maya, I’d be solid as a rock and happy to see ye every time you opened the door.”
“Holy moly!” I can’t even believe this! Is this what people get up to over here? It’s broad daylight outside!
“You’ve shocked her, Bachelor Number Two, but will she be swayed by your subtle charms? We’ll soon find out!” Annie said, and I laughed. “Bachelor Number Three.”
“A damned dessert? Do I really have to answer that?”
“Now, you know Tony and the lads there won’t let you off this stage until you do,” Annie said.
He huffed.
“Come on, then,” Annie pushed.
“Well, I guess I’d be a fecking lemon tart, wouldn’t I? And all of you well know it.”
I barked out a laugh. The audience lost control, if they’d ever had any. He was such an asshole, but at least he knew it. This was pure podcast gold. Every second of it.
“All right, all right, calm down now. So . . . Maya. I’m going to have to ask you to make the hardest decision of your life and choose one—just one—of these beautiful male specimens to go on a date with.
And, of course, you will receive this hundred-euro gift certificate to the Roadside Tavern for dinner and drinks tonight.
So, tell us all, before the crowd gets out of hand. Maya . . . which one is your match?”
“Oooh . . . it’s an impossible choice.”
People in the crowd started yelling out numbers.
I knew, obviously. The choice was already made.
I wouldn’t be able to hear a single damn word out of Number One, and it would be a massively awkward date, and who knew what indiscernible things I might agree to by the end of the night.
Number Two sounded both very horny and a million years old.
I would need a bodyguard to go on a date with him.
It had to be Number Three. And frankly, I was dying of curiosity.
“Hmmmm.” I drummed my fingers on my chin, and people got louder. “I think I’m going to choooose . . . Number Three!”
People erupted. One young man near me laughed so hard that he fell on the floor. Jackie, right there in the front, seemed to be clapping the loudest.
“Wait. Wait, wait a second. Number Three, don’t storm off! You’re not going anywhere. Don’t you move a muscle. Okay, Maya, first let’s meet the poor fellas that you didn’t choose. Daniel—”
Bachelor Number One made his way to my side of the curtain. He was likely in his early fifties, looked like he’d worked every day of that in the sun, and had a big, friendly smile.
“Hi. Nice to meet you! Sorry!” I said. He said something I couldn’t make out, then laughed and gave me a sweaty hug before walking off to the bar.
“Fiachra.” Bachelor Two came out and was practically a mummy, entirely hairless, walked with a cane, and squinted up at me in a way that made me wonder if he could see me at all. He would have made a lovely grandpa.
“Oh, hello!” I said. “Sorry I didn’t choose you.”
“What’s that?”
I leaned down and said it louder, and he looked down my top.
“Don’t you worry, I’ll be right over there at that bar all night long, waitin’ for ye. So you can come and find me when you get rid of that big, grumpy sod.” I laughed. This guy is still playing the game!
“All right, and the moment Maya has been waiting for all her life! Tadhg, go meet your date!”
Heavy footsteps. A hand whipped back the curtain. I looked up to see, storming toward me like thunder . . .
HO . . . LY . . . SHIT.
The most beautiful man. I had ever laid eyes upon. In my entire fucking life.