Chapter 12 An Experiment in Sex Education
Maya: All right. Thank you both for joining us.
I’m here today with Bill and Orla, who have been so incredibly generous that they’ve not only agreed to share their story with us, they’ve even offered—sight unseen!
—for my driver and me to stay here, and cooked us an incredible dinner.
Sweet holy crap, those mashed potatoes! Would you consider sharing the recipe on my website, Orla, or is it a closely guarded secret?
Orla: Ah, sure. It’s easy enough.
Maya: Aaamazing. This lady can cook! I see why you were in such a hurry to lock it down, Bill!
Orla: Well, he wasn’t in a hurry to “lock it down,” as you say. That’s the whole damn point, isn’t it?
Maya: Uh-oh, Bill. What happened?
Orla: I’ll tell you the truth of it. He’ll only tell you a story that makes himself look good.
Bill: Here we go again.
Maya: I love this! Okay, why don’t you set the story straight for us, Orla?
Orla: Well. It all started forty-eight years ago, when I asked Bill to marry me.
Maya: Gasp! You asked him? So brave. I’ll bet not a lot of women did that forty-eight years ago.
Orla: You’re right about that, Maya. That wasn’t really the way of things back then, but I’d just gotten so damn tired of waitin’ for him to pull his thumb out and ask me already that I did it meself.
Bill: Orla is no ordinary woman.
Maya: I can see that, Bill! Sounds like you found yourself a firecracker!
Bill: That I did, Maya.
Orla: So anyway, I asked him one night out at a dance, after over a year of courtin’, and do ye know what he said, Maya?
Maya: What did he say?
Orla: He said no. Can ye believe that?
Maya: Oh no, Bill! You didn’t!
Orla: He did. Said he was too young for it. And there we were, getting older every day.
Bill: Well, now. I just didn’t know what was good for me, did I?
Orla: You most certainly did not. And after I’d worked up the courage and asked him myself, I was dumped for my troubles.
Bill: No, no. Now, I’ll stop ye there, love. I did nothing of the kind. I just said I needed time, that’s all. I never chucked you.
Orla: Same bleedin’ difference. I called him a coward, walked out of that dance hall, and didn’t look back.
Bill: Now, that is true. But after a week or two passed, I realized the mistake I’d made, and I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t hear of it.
I asked her to let me buy her dinner, and she told me, “Billy,” she said, “you can take that dinner and shove it right up your hole.” Oh, she had a fiery temper those days. Burn the whole village down, she would.
Orla: It makes me chuckle now to think how bold I was!
Bill: And that went on for a year, now. A year. Wouldn’t give me the time a day.
Orla: I didn’t want to waste any more of my time. I saw some other men and went on a fair few dates, even got a proposal, but not one from anyone I’d liked.
Maya: So how did you get her to listen to you, Bill? And where does Jackie come into this story, if you met on your own?
Bill: Well, now, that’s the question and the answer right there, Maya.
I knew that there was a famous matchmaker comin’ into town, and if anyone could help me, ’twould be him.
So, when the festival rolled around, I bought him a drink and told him what my trouble was.
He said Orla here sounded like a woman who knew her own mind and that he couldn’t make me any promises.
But I told him all I needed was some time to talk to her where she would listen.
I wanted to propose to her, and I thought if I could only get her to stop and hear me, to apologize good and proper like, I might just be in with a shot.
Orla: So they tricked me.
Bill: We did. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that Jackie Kelly isn’t a God’s honest genius.
Orla: So Jackie came up to me and said that there was a mystery man who knew me well but had been too shy to approach me.
Jackie asked was I interested in marriage at all, and I said that I was.
He said he thought the man was a good match, and would I be willing to let Jackie drive me out of town to have a picnic with this admirer.
I gave it some thought, and asked some questions, but Jackie promised that it would be totally safe.
He said that if I got out of the car and saw the man and I wanted to turn around and go home, he would drive me back without another word. So I said yes.
Bill: Thank the Lord Almighty for that.
Orla: Well, what else was I going to do with my Saturday?
When we got there, Jackie said that the picnic would be in a cave.
A cave, if you can believe it! I said I wasn’t interested in that at all—all dark and slimy and cold, and why couldn’t we have the picnic on the beach like normal people?
But of course he talked me into giving it a try.
Jackie has a dangerous way with words, right enough.
Maya: He sure does! Talked me into this trip before I even knew what was happening!
Orla: Exactly. Well, when I got there, it was lovely. This cave had an opening in the roof, like, that let the sun in, and through that opening was the prettiest little waterfall.
Maya: A waterfall? Inside the cave?
Orla: Yes. It was beautiful, and they’d spread some blankets and cushions out on a flat rock away from the water, and there were loads of flowers and a big picnic basket and a whole cake, even a couple of lanterns, though the sun was plenty bright enough.
I saw a bottle of wine chilling in a bucket, and I thought I could probably stay long enough to drink that, no matter who the date was with, but then that was when Billy comes out and says hello.
Maya: Did you never suspect that maybe it would be Bill?
Orla: No, I didn’t. He’d long since given up trying to win me back, or so I’d thought. So he comes out and he says, “Hello, Orla. It’s me, Bill,” as if I couldn’t see him standing right in front of me eyes, and I called him a few names—
Bill: Called me a plucked twat, she did!
Maya: Oh no! That’s hilarious!
Orla: And I told Jackie to drive me right back home. But then I looked at the cake and the wine, and I was hungry after all that traveling—
Bill: I knew the cake would get ye. That’s why I put it out in the front like.
Orla: You were right. Caught me like a fish on a line. Well, I said to Jackie to wait outside, and I would listen to the eejit just long enough to eat some cake and go.
Bill: She told me I had ten minutes and not a minute more.
Orla: That’s right.
Bill: So I opened the wine and sliced the cake and pulled out the sandwiches and berries and left them out just so—all invitin’ like.
Orla: It was a nice spread, Billy, I’ll give ye that.
Bill: Who could say no? And while she ate her cake and drank her wine, she listened to me apologize and explain why I had gotten nervous and turned her down.
Orla: Like a fool.
Bill: Aye, like a fool. I told her that I was still in love with her, and every day I woke up without her next to me as my wife was like an eternity of rain. I needed her to bring the sunshine back.
Orla: Can you believe that bollocks? You were a smooth talker back then, you old goat.
Maya: And did it work, Orla? Did Bill’s smooth talking win you back?
Orla: ’Course it bloody did. I fell for it like an egg from a tall chicken.
But now, I’m a practical woman, Maya, and that didn’t mean I’d say yes.
And even if I did, I was going to make him suffer first. Really drag it out to get me own back.
So I finished my wine and cake and told him that I’d think about it and that his time was up and he wouldn’t be getting any more.
Bill: Never easy on me, Maya. Not a day in her life.
Orla: Oh, you wouldn’t have it any other way, would you, Billy?
Bill: No, I wouldn’t, me love, God help me.
Maya: So, how did you make her stay, Bill?
Orla: He didn’t. But when I tried to leave, I saw that the tide had come in while I’d been in there. The only way to get out was to wade out, and there was me wearing my new shoes and all.
Maya: What? No! You scoundrels!
Bill: I knew she wouldn’t be swimming in that cold seawater, even with that temper of hers to heat her through.
Orla: And you were right, you gombeen. I was trapped.
Bill: Well, you were. But trapping you seemed like the only way to keep you long enough to talk things through.
Maya: This is wild! How long were you trapped for?
Orla: About three hours, I’d say.
Maya: Three hours! Were you safe?
Orla: We were safe enough. Sea caves can be dangerous, you know. But this one is fairly safe, unless you have some heavy weather.
Maya: So what did you do?
Orla: Well, at first I cursed like a sailor. But I eventually settled down to eat the sandwiches, and I had a listen. And he was very convincing, I’ll give him that.
Bill: Well, I’d been practicing all year, so thank God for it! After she was done cursing me to blisters, she calmed down. Soon enough we were laughing about the whole thing, and it felt like old times.
Orla: That was probably the wine, Billy.
Bill: Yes, good shout, that.
Maya: Wow. Orla, how were you feeling? Did you like that Bill had gone through all this to win you back? Or were you angry at being tricked?
Orla: Well, a little bit of both, I’d say, Maya. But by the time he got down on one knee and held a ring out to me, I had fallen in love all over again.
Maya: You proposed right there in the cave?
Bill: I did.
Maya: And you said yes after a year of being so angry that you wouldn’t even speak to him?
Orla: I did. And it was the best decision I ever made.
Maya: Oh my goodness. This is . . . I want to watch this movie! This is such a great story!
Bill: Thank God for that cake. I almost lost her. And I don’t know how any couple could be happier than we’ve been the past forty-eight years.
Orla: That’s right, my love. That was some good chocolate cake.
Maya: So you just had to wait for the tide to go back out?
Bill: We waited. But three hours didn’t seem long enough to me.
Orla: That’s because the first thing I did after I said yes was unbutton my blouse.
Maya: Whoa! Wait! What? Are you saying things got steamy, trapped in that cave?
Orla: Well, what else were we going to do with our time? Anyway, I wanted to give Bill a little test-drive before I signed the papers, if you know what I mean.
Maya: I absolutely do know what you mean!
Orla: It’s no surprise that we had to rush down the aisle three months after that, and little Patrick arrived early.
Maya: That is one of the best stories we’ve ever had on the show. I can’t believe this! Where is this cave? Can I see it?
Orla: Sure you can. It’s just as pretty as ever it was. Only an hour or so’s drive from here. People tend to keep it quiet from the tourists, like, because it can be dangerous, you know. But we still go from time to time, even with my hip.
Maya: Really? Can we go tomorrow?
Orla: Well, now, let me see if I don’t have enough sugar to bake you a cake.
Maya: Oh my goodness! Would you bake us a cake?
Orla: I’d be happy to. With Billy’s mam’s recipe.
Maya: I love this so much! Well, to everyone out there listening to this story of how you started a long and happy marriage, is there any advice you could share—about how you know when you’ve found the one? Or how to stay together and happy for so many years?
Orla: Hmm. My advice would be to never let your pride get in the way of giving someone you love a second chance. If it hadn’t been for that rising tide, I don’t know what might have become of me, but one thing is for sure, I would have missed out on the love of my life.
Bill: And my advice is, if you marry a redhead, you should always have some chocolate on hand. It’s the only thing that can calm her temper down when you’ve said somethin’ stupid.
Orla: That explains why my hips grow an inch every year.
Bill: All the better to hold on to.
Orla: Hush, now, you old hound dog! What will the Americans think?