Chapter 9
~
June
“Yes, James?”
My hand hung limply in the air for a few seconds before I let it drop in defeat. Lucas didn’t even so much as look at me, his attention focused on my friend two seats over.
James was running through his answer but I couldn’t even hear what he was saying. It was like my head was submerged underwater. When Lucas was done speaking with James and moved onto the next question, I didn’t even bother raising my hand up again.
That must’ve been the sixth time during the whole lecture so far that he decided to completely ignore me every time I offered to answer.
I felt Chloe gently nudge me in the ribs.
“What’s that about?” she whispered as quietly as she dared. “He never ignores you like this. What did you do?”
“Nothing,” I said defensively, then immediately slunk further down back in my seat. I recalled the phone on my desk had practically burned a hole into my eyes as I stared at it guiltily. Okay, so maybe doing nothing had been precisely the problem here.
But the last time we spoke, Lucas had promised that we were both going to move forward and forget what happened in the boathouse. I had no idea why he’d sent that message last night, but I hadn’t answered. I couldn’t answer.
Still, him choosing to act as though I didn’t exist was low. Didn’t he want us to pretend that nothing happened? So much for treating me the same way as before.
When class ended, I left immediately, having packed my things as early as possible without making it super obvious that I wanted to get out of there. I was still stewing about it, moping around outside the building when someone pinched my side lightly.
“Hey!” I said reflexively, jerking away only to see Madison staring at me with her hands on her hips.
“Maybe pay more attention to your surroundings and you won’t get people sneaking up on you,” she said teasingly.
“What has you so distracted today? That’s not a very June thing to be doing.
” She paused, then cringed. “Unless of course, it’s about school.
If this has anything to do with your academics or your future plans then please just forget I asked. ”
“Well. It does in a way, but not quite,” I said cryptically.
Mads’s brows knit together. “Not quite? You can’t just leave the explanation on that note.”
I couldn’t handle dealing with all this mess on my own, not with my meeting with Ronan tonight and not with Lucas’s text the night before. It was getting to be way too much and I felt like I was going to burst if I didn’t get it off my chest.
“I need to tell you something. It’s about time I was honest with someone,” I said, feeling sulky about it but knowing I had no other option. If there was one person I knew I could trust, it was Mads. “But we can’t do this here.”
My friend seemed to snap into a different gear. She took my hand. “Free period?”
“Yeah.”
“To the dorms we go,” she said, immediately starting to drag me in the right direction.
I stayed silent the entire time, going through all the different ways I could try explaining myself to her but I couldn’t find a single justification for my actions.
Everything sounded crazy, no matter how I tried to spin it.
By the time we were in our shared dorm room, Mads perched on her bed and looked at me expectantly.
I figured I just had to spit it out.
“I had sex with Professor Blackwell.”
A small, explosive exhale escaped me, like I’d been holding in my breath and hadn’t even noticed. But to Mads, I’d just casually dropped a nuke.
“What?!” she exclaimed.
“I know, I know, just hear me out, okay?” I said. “I promise I can explain myself.”
“Well June Price, I certainly hope you can because from my position, it’s sounding pretty freaking inexplicable,” she replied, her voice almost hushed with disbelief.
I took a breath and slowly started at the beginning, from the very first lecture I had with Lucas. I told her about the way I felt instantly enthralled by him, the way I’d been attracted to him and how that was only amplified during the coffee date.
Then I told her about the kinds of conversations we’d had over the month I’d been in his class.
The slow but steady way our chemistry had built until we almost kissed during my private tutoring session.
How he’d rejected me at first but then sought me out later and then… the boathouse. Lord, the boathouse.
Madison’s eyes widened to the size of saucers when I finally got to that bit.
“Wait, wait, wait, back this whole thing up a little.” She held out a hand to stop me.
She blinked once. “You mean to tell me that while the rest of us were sweating our asses off and being yelled at by Hardass Hayes—risking carpal tunnel and heat stroke, mind you—you were fucking one of the hottest professors in existence? In the delectable shade of the boathouse?”
I bit my lip. “Well… yeah, I guess. When you put it that way, it does sound a little ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous?” Mads repeated. She leaned forward, elbows on her knees and prayer-clasped hands over her face. “And to think I felt sorry for you when she sent you off. June. If I wasn’t as practical as I am, I would’ve suggested you start offering classes and sharing tips because what the fuck.”
“Urgh, Mads,” I groaned, slapping a hand over my forehead.
“Give me a second. I just need to recover from shock. I’ll be loading in some good advice in a few.”
“There’s more,” I said glumly.
“Oh God.”
I pulled my phone from my bag. “We bumped into each other the night of the house party. He clarified that it was a mistake and that nothing like that would ever happen again. He apologized and walked me home. But then last night, he sent me this.”
I pulled up Lucas’s text and walked to Mads, handing her the phone. She took a moment to read it before handing it back.
“And you left him on read. Damn.”
“This is serious,” I said, sitting down next to her and flopping back on the bed.
“I know. Okay, okay, I’m being serious. June, you did the right thing by not responding. You know that, right?” she said.
“Did I?” I asked. I didn’t recognize my own voice. I sounded shaky and completely uncertain.
Mads laid down next to me, both of us staring up at the ceiling.
“Why did you ignore his text? If you really think about it,” she asked.
I took a moment to admit it. Truthfully, I could’ve given her an answer immediately. But if I’d been honest from the start, it would’ve meant facing a bigger truth that I wasn’t ready for.
“I ignored his text because I knew that I wouldn’t have the strength to resist him if he got me alone. I don’t trust myself to even try,” I said.
“Hmm,” Mads hummed. She turned to look at me but I kept my gaze on the ceiling.
“So you did do the right thing. June, you can easily write off a one-night stand as a mistake. But if you do that again, well, there’s something more there.
Something that could only ruin your life and, with how hard you’ve worked so far, could you really risk that? ”
I knew that she was right.
I didn’t want to hear this, but she was right. Maybe there’d been a small part of me that hoped Mads of all people would’ve encouraged me to do something stupid so I didn’t have to believe that I wanted something I shouldn’t.
That was a coward’s way out and maybe that’s just what I was right now.
“Starting anything inappropriate with a faculty member is a recipe for disaster. I don’t have to remind you of that,” she said gently. “And when I said that you needed to relax and unwind, this isn’t exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of.”
I laughed, but even despite the weight on my shoulders feeling an iota lighter now that I’d shared the truth with Madison, I couldn’t help but feel an ache at the truth.
“I know. And you’re right. I’m sure all Lucas was going to do was tell me again how we needed to make sure we moved on and kept things strictly platonic between the two of us,” I said.
She sat up and gave me a serious look.
“Alright. And would your meeting tonight with Professor Locke also be considered platonic?” she asked with a raised eyebrow, crooking two fingers as air quotes over the last word.
A spark flickered in my gut. I remembered that moment over dinner, when he’d called me beautiful, and the look we shared outside the cafe. I thought of the way he looked in the calm, steady light of the library and the way the soft light raked across his features.
There was nothing steady about the way I felt in those moments.
“Yes,” I said, knowing damn well I was lying. But if Mads meant what she said about me being a crappy liar, then she was letting me get away with it, at least for now. She nodded, seemingly satisfied.
“Okay. Then as long as you keep it that way, you won’t have anything to worry about. You’re the most sensible person I know and it’s not even close. You made a mistake, you won’t make it again,” she said.
I tried to pretend like I believed her. I pretended all the way through getting ready for tonight, even when I selected my dress for my meeting with Ronan Locke. Midlength, structured to fit and exaggerate my curves, the perfect shade of deep green to complement my eyes and hair.
No cleavage or cut-outs but still provocative in its own way. At least provocative enough for me to know that I was playing with fire by wearing it and more than enough to know that if that was the case, I clearly had moved past caring.
I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
I didn’t know whether I was doing this because I wanted to get back at Lucas a little bit, maybe flirt with Ronan again even though I knew I was asking for trouble. Or maybe I just genuinely enjoyed the way Ronan looked at me and I wanted to make sure I was the only one who had his eye tonight.
But this dress was my equivalent to his supposedly harmless flirting. A tease for a tease, a riposte.
I styled my hair in big curls and decided to pin half of it up in a classy updo. I threw on a pair of black strappy heels and took a black leather jacket with me just in case. Mads was out again, and fortunately wouldn’t be here to see what I was wearing and talk me out of it.
At this point, she would’ve been doing a better job of warning me than my own sense of reason.
The cab ride to The Blind Tiger was only a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. I got out and walked in before I had the chance to start questioning whether or not this was a mistake.
At least I hadn’t dressed down.
I’d heard about this place but had yet to visit, and it was fancier than I’d expected. Contrary to the typical sticky-floored and brightly-lit bars that served as the typical environment for most student hangouts in the area, this bar was strangely atmospheric.
I glanced around at the neo-decadence of the plush and raw decor, the deep-hued plum and navy velvets and leather banquettes. There was layered lighting with overhead ambient fixtures and wall sconces and backlit bars lined with sparkling bottles.
Strange music played in the background, soft enough for conversations to carry—an addictive fusion of psychedelic funk, jazz and surf rock.
And the air itself felt rich and smoky, a completely different world from the campus grounds mere minutes away.
It took me a moment to find my bearings, but I soon spotted Ronan sitting near the back of the bar, sipping on a glass of something dark. I walked over to him and it was like he sensed me coming before I approached.
He looked good even from this distance, his hair styled lightly and beard trimmed neat with what looked like an expensive Merino sweater with sleeves rolled up at the elbows. No cardigan today.
His eyes snapped to me and stayed there, travelled from my curls to my heels and then retraced their journey. He rose to his feet, welcoming me to take a seat like a true gentleman.
“You know,” he said by way of greeting as he sat back down in his own seat. Another of his characteristic, lazy grins tugged at his mouth, his eyes resting easy on mine. “I knew there was a reason I picked an off-campus venue.”