17. Emily
17
EMILY
Waking to warm sunlight and the sound of bluebirds outside my window used to always fill me with happiness. But for the past four days, when I wake up, all I feel is an achy heart.
I’m grateful to be back in my apartment. I’m grateful to have all my things again. But it all just feels a little empty now. I keep waking up expecting to feel Rock’s body next to mine, and when I realize that I’m alone and in my own bed, it’s like a punch to the gut.
The last few days have been horrible. Rock and I have been trying to go back to the way things were before everything changed, but it feels like our friendship is permanently broken.
I’ll be fine. Eventually. I know that Rock will be fine, too. We just have to get through this weird period, that’s all. Things might be awkward between us right now, but we’re both trying to get back to normal, and with time and effort, we’ll get there.
If I was able to fall in love with my best friend, I should be able to fall out of love with him, too…right?
I get up out of bed and go through the motions of my morning routine. Later, on my way out of the building, I see Jerry watering the plants and pause to say hello.
“Hello, Emily dear,” he says cheerfully. “Everything all right in your apartment?”
I nod. “Everything’s great. Thank you so much.”
He scrutinizes my face. “Are you sure? You look a little troubled.”
I try to laugh it off. “Oh, it’s nothing.”
“Boy trouble?” he guesses.
“Well…”
He smiles knowingly. “Ah. I guessed correctly. Can I give you a piece of advice?”
“Can I stop you?” I tease.
He laughs.
“I’m only kidding,” I say. “Of course you can.”
He nods. “Whatever’s bothering you, if it won’t matter in five years, it’s not worth worrying over now.”
I smile and say goodbye to Jerry. As I set out on my walk, I try to imagine what my life will look like five years from now. Multiple possibilities come to mind. In one imagined future, Rock and I are back to being best friends and still run the bar together. In other possibility—a fuzzier one—my life is completely different: I’m no longer co-owner of the bar, and I’m living somewhere else, maybe even in another state. And in a third version, Rock and I are together. As in, together together. And we’re happy.
That last version fills my heart the most. It feels the best. It’s the most right .
But it also feels like a complete pipe dream, a fantasy. I don’t see how we can get to that place from here.
I’m a block away from the bar when it occurs to me that today is the last day of the neon sign trial period. My heart sinks at the thought. I know Rock hasn’t changed his mind about the sign. As I approach the front door of the bar, my heart continues to sink from the disappointment of having to take it down.
I know it’s just a stupid sign. But it still really bums me out, knowing that today will be the day it goes back to being a blank wall.
I try to shake it off and reach for the door handle. As I open the door, the usual darkness of the bar interior looks different than normal.
What…oh my God. What ?
I step inside and my jaw drops open. As the door closes behind me, I just stand there, staring at the neon glowing on the walls.
There’s not just one neon sign up anymore.
There are multiple neon signs.
A neon blue sign declares: Fuck the risks. Another one, in bright rosy red, reads: I love you, Em. And the third, in glimmering green, says: I’m all in. For real.
I’m still speechless as I turn and see Rock standing in the doorway of our back office. He draws in a slow breath, then walks over to me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hi,” I squeak out. “What’s—Rock, what’s—”
“Too much?” he asks.
“It’s a lot of neon,” I say, laughing. I focus on his eyes. “Are you serious?”
“I mean, it’s non-refundable, so.”
I screw up my mouth and punch him playfully in the arm.
“Hey,” he says. “Is that any way to treat your he-man?”
I bite back a smile. “Be serious. Do you really want to do this?”
“I really want to do this.” He takes my hand and squeezes it. “I’m too crazy about you not to want to give this a shot.” He takes something out of his pocket. It’s a little piece of bubblegum-pink ribbon. “I need to show you this. You know how long I’ve been carrying it around with me? Ten damn years. It’s from—”
“Prom,” I say, astonished. “My corsage.”
“Yeah.” He smiles at me. “You left it in my car. The flowers wilted, but I kept this piece of it. Em, I had the worst crush on you back then. I’ve always had a crush on you. It’s been that way since day one. Keeping my feelings buried has been harder than hell, but I did it, because I didn’t want to risk scaring you off or ruining our friendship. But I’m done keeping my feelings a secret. I’m done being afraid of the risks. I love you, and not just as a friend. I love you. It feels so damn good to finally say that.” He takes a deep breath. “And I want to do this for real.”
My heart is pounding like crazy. “Rock…I love you, too. But what if we mess everything up?”
“Then it’ll suck. A whole fucking lot. But I’d rather take that chance and find out if we’re as good together as I think we’ll be than never find out and live a life full of regret.”
I nod. As much as it scares me, I want to give us a chance, too.
“Okay. I’m in.”
His lips capture mine, and it feels like my heart doubles in size. I grin and pull back just enough so I can look him in the eyes as I say, “You really love me, huh?”
“I do, Em.” He wraps a hand around my waist and pulls me in tight. “I’m fucking obsessed.”
Later that week, on our day off, Rock and I go on our first real date. When he picks me up at my apartment, an overflowing bouquet in hand, I burst into excited-but-nervous giggles. I can tell Rock is nervous, too, even though he’s trying to act cool. It’s sweet how much he cares about doing all of this right. But the truth is, I don’t need everything to be perfect. Just being with him is all that matters to me.
Rock takes me to one of the nicer restaurants in town, where the lighting is low and all the tables have little flickering votive candles and soft piano music playing overhead. The food is delicious, but the portions are tiny. I cover my smile as I watch Rock resist making a grumpy comment about how small they are.
As he’s driving me home afterward, we pass by a drive-thru and both look over at it at the same time. I burst out laughing as he makes a U-turn. We both get cheeseburgers and soft serve ice cream and eat them in a nearby parking lot.
“ Mmm ,” I moan, licking the ice cream. “So good.”
Rock looks at me with a tortured expression. “Jesus, Em. Don’t moan like that.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” I say, grinning at him. I maintain eye contact as I lick the ice cream again, slower this time. He groans and looks away.
“That’s it,” he grumbles as I burst into laughter. “I’m taking you home.”
When we arrive at my apartment, Rock parks his bike and walks me to my door. He kisses me goodnight, and what seems to be intended as a sweet parting kiss ends up turning into one that lingers. Soon we’re inside my apartment, kissing and getting all tangled up in each other as we make our way to my bedroom.
“Thank you for such a lovely first date,” I murmur against Rock’s lips.
He pulls his shirt up over his head and starts working at the buttons on my dress. “There’s a lot more of those to come.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Me, either.” He tugs down my panties and sucks on my bottom lip. “You’re so beautiful, Em.”
He guides me onto the bed, and I close my eyes and moan softly as he lowers his head between my legs and begins to lay kisses on my thighs. I’m a little self-conscious at first as he makes his way up higher, but when his lips close over my clit and he groans in pleasure, I immediately relax. I let my thighs fall open wider and arch my back as he sucks and licks me, his hands holding my thighs firmly as his tongue works its magic. Soon I’m gasping for air and crying out as I come against his mouth.
“Fuck, you taste good,” Rock rasps as he moves up on top of me. I run my hands over his chest and look into his gorgeous eyes. When he kisses me, I can taste myself on his lips, but the more we kiss, the more I just taste him.
I wrap my legs around his body and he slides into me in one slow, unimaginably blissful motion. I’m so wet and it feels like he’s deeper inside of me than ever before. We kiss unhurriedly as he slowly thrusts in and out of me, newfound pleasure already building in my core.
Emotion swirls inside of me as I finally let myself feel everything I’ve been too nervous to let myself feel.
Rock pulls out of our kiss to look me in the eyes. His hips rock back and forth, slow and powerful, his cock filling me over and over again.
“I love you, Emily,” he says, his voice low and serious.
I draw in an emotional breath. “I love you, too. So much.”
Our foreheads tilt together as he increases the pace of his strokes. I can feel Rock’s heart pounding against mine, and mine pounding against his in return. Our shared pleasure builds and builds until we can’t hold on any longer. When an orgasm erupts inside me, Rock groans against my mouth and spills into me.
I know there’s no way to know the future, no way to know if we’ll really have a happy ending or not, but right now, everything feels right. We feel right.