18. Dante
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
dante
I was feeling a bit relieved when I heard Gio let someone in. That meant he was busy, and I was safer in here with Bianca than I thought I would be. I want to tell him. Fuck, he is the first person I always want to tell when I have a secret. I don’t want to risk losing this, though. I don’t know if he will understand, but for now, I have to keep it quiet. Bianca and I have been lying here together for about an hour. No sex, no talking, just being.
She rolls to her side, and I roll to face her, both propped on pillows like teenagers at a sleepover.
“So, tell me something that no one else knows about you.” She says softly.
“Well, you know pretty much everything, but there is one thing that I’ve never told a soul about. But you have to promise you won’t laugh.” I sit up.
“Oh boy, this sounds serious. Don’t tell me you are like into miming or something weird, please.” She jokes as she sits up as well.
I hop off the bed and go into the closet. When I come back, I have a guitar strapped around my body.
“No way.” She says, hopping to her knees on the bed and smiling.
I start to strum gently. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a musician. Well, a rockstar to be more specific. I wanted to travel the world playing music. I started playing guitar right before my parents died. My mom scraped everything she could to afford this guitar. It’s my most precious belonging and the only thing I have left of her.” I stop and look over to Bianca, sitting silent and hanging on every word. I continue.
“I don’t know why I kept it a secret. I think it just felt like it was mine and I didn’t want to share it with anyone. Until I met you. I just don’t want to keep any part of myself from you. God, I sound like such a moron.”
“No, you really don’t. I get it. Would you play me something?” She asks sweetly.
“I’ve never played for anyone so I apologize if it makes your ears bleed.”
She smiles, “Okay, no hard feelings.”
I start to strum the chords of a song I wrote when I was a teenager. It was a song about my mother.
I begin humming along and then start to sing softly…
“ The house was quiet when you left, Like a shadow in the door, I was just a child, but I felt the weight Of something I can’t ignore.
You were always so full of love, And now I’m left with pieces and a name, But I still hear your voice inside my head, And the world isn’t the same.
And I’ll sing for you, Ma, though you can’t hear, Every note a memory, every chord a tear, I don’t know how to let go, but I’ll try, Underneath the same sky, And if I fall, I’ll rise, Because you taught me how to fly.
The years went on, but I stayed in place, Tried to hold the hurt inside, But your smile’s still in the corners of my mind, Like a spark I can’t hide.
And I’m learning to love again, But it’s hard when you’ve seen the pain, And I’m scared I might break if I feel too much, But you taught me to love.
So I’ll sing for you, Ma, where you can’t hear, Every note a memory, every chord a tear, I don’t know how to let go, but I’ll try, Underneath the same sky, And if I fall, I’ll rise, Because you taught me how to fly.
And maybe, just maybe, You’d be proud of me now, For finding the strength to breathe In a world without you around.”
I feel tears starting to well up in my eyes. I’ve never spoken these words to anyone and letting myself pour them out to Bianca was like ripping open a wound that closed a decade ago.
“Sorry, I can’t.” I stop and turn away from her, setting the guitar on the floor and walking toward the wall. I was trying to hide the tears and pain in my eyes. I didn’t want her to see this weak part of me.
I feel a warm hand on my forearm and turn to her behind me. She wraps her arms around me, and I feel her body against mine. All the worry just fades away with her touch. I turn to look at her, and she reaches up to wipe the tear streaming down my face.
“That was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. She would have loved it, Dante.” Her eyes filling with tears to match mine. It was this moment, right now, that I felt like I had found my person. The person I want to spend the rest of my life with. The person that makes the world make sense.
“I love you. I know that’s crazy, but I do. So fucking much it terrifies me.” I pour out.
“That is crazy.” She says, smiling but making me feel a little worried.
“But I love you Dante and I never thought I would ever say those words to anyone. I fucking love you.” She nearly yells and I pick her up into my arms, kissing her soft pink lips.
We have to make this work. I don’t know how but we have to. I can’t live without her but I can’t put her in more danger than she usually is. What the hell are we going to do?