Chapter 28
twenty-eight
I manage to get her inside and drink a glass of water. She’s sitting across from me, eyes red and puffy, and the air of uncertainty’s ratcheting up my anxiety.
She gestures to her face and sniffs. “Unresolved abandonment issues. Obviously, I need to call my therapist and get in to see her again.” She swallows hard and takes a deep breath. “I’ll be okay. But we need to talk about this.”
When she slides her cell across the table, a video is playing. It’s me yelling at Ben the other night. Followed by me on stage, clad in my mask, performing with Treachery’s Riot.
I may as well be strapped into a roller coaster that’s crested the hill and dropped into a neck-snapping descent, because my stomach is in my throat.
Pressing my steepled fingers to my mouth, I mutter the word that’s repeating in my head, “Shit.” And then I close my eyes, drop my hands to the tabletop, and repeat, “Shit.”
So many thoughts are bombarding me. You knew this would happen eventually. This is your fault for getting involved with Jess. You managed to pull Soph and Jess into this, and now it’s going to affect them too. Life as you know it is over.
When I open my eyes, she taps the phone to silence it. “It’s true?” she whispers. She doesn’t sound surprised, and that surprises me. She’s eerily calm now.
I rub the stubble on my chin, but my eyes remain locked with hers. “Yeah.”
“Shit,” she mumbles, but there’s no panic or anger or any of the emotions I would expect.
She pushes back her chair and rises. “I’m going to shower because I need a few minutes to wrap my head around this, and it looks like you do too.
I can’t promise I’ll be able to put together coherent thoughts or questions when I get back, but I promise to listen and help and, Jesus…
” she shakes her head and tries to complete the sentence, but can’t, “I don’t know,” before kissing me soundly and walking to her bathroom.
When she returns ten minutes later, I’m still sitting in the same spot. Locked in place.
She walks to the big window that looks out on the front yard, with her hands on her hips and her back to me, and asks, “Do you want to go first, or should I?”
“You go first.” Because I still don’t know what to say.
“Why didn’t you guys tell me, Ev?”
The hurt in her voice makes me realize she thinks Jess and I have been hiding this from her. “Jess doesn’t know.”
She spins on her heel, hands still on hips, and shakes her head defiantly. “Am I seriously supposed to believe that? He’s your brother.”
I was never going to be prepared for this moment, but it’s here. Best to not dodge the land mines. Blow this up and see where it all lands.
Standing, I walk to the staircase and call down, “Jess, can you come up here, please? I need to talk to you.”
He’s watching a movie with Lola and Benji. Walking up the stairs, he’s laughing and still in the middle of a conversation. “I accept that challenge. Start stretching now, because when I get back, the leg wrestling commences.”
“I’m undefeated. You’re the one who better start stretching, because you’re about to get your ass handed to you,” Lola taunts.
He laughs, but when he sees my serious face, he stops, and his eyes dart to Soph. His lips barely move when he asks, “What the fuck is going on?”
Looking at Soph, I urge her. “Ask him.”
She licks her lips, and I can see apprehension softening her features. “Did you know about Ever and Treachery’s Riot?”
Jess’s eyebrows pull in toward each other in confusion. “Treachery’s Riot? The band?”
She looks at me as the truth hits her and apologizes. “I’m sorry.”
I run my hands through my hair, and though I’m irritated with so many things at the moment, the only thing I feel toward her is relief.
“I’m going to ask again, because I need y’all to enlighten me. What the fuck is going on?” He’s lost.
Soph picks up her phone and hands it to him. The video she showed me is playing.
He looks confused at first and dismisses it with a chuckle and, “That’s crazy.” But after taking in my sober expression, he taps the screen again to restart the video. He looks like he’s been sucker punched. And I’m the one who’s done it. “You’re the dude behind the mask.” It’s not a question.
I lick my lips. The fear and irritation I felt minutes ago are morphing quickly into guilt for betraying these two.
“Raven. Yeah.” I have no idea what’s going to happen, but emotion is swelling, and I’m grateful it’s them I’m with when this explodes.
Even if they don’t react the way I hope they will, at least they’ll know the truth.
He drops into a barstool a few feet away.
“Okay, let me get this straight.” He shakes his head and starts ticking items off on his fingers.
“You’ve been in one of the most popular bands in the world for the past few years.
You’ve hidden your identity the entire time.
” He looks at me, and I can see the lightbulb ignite when he adds, “Raven? Really? Evermore St. Clair, you clever motherfucker. The clues were there, and even I didn’t see them.
” He shakes his head and returns to his third point.
“You wrote and co-produced two number-one albums. You’ve performed in front of sold-out stadiums.” He breaks again and says, “You played Download Fest last year.”
I nod. I’m still unsure where he’s going with this. Is he pissed? Is he in shock?
Head still shaking, he stands and starts circling the kitchen island.
I know it’s best to keep quiet when he’s like this.
When he finally stops, he rests his giant hands on the countertop and braces himself.
“I was in that crowd, Ev.” He balls his fist and pounds the counter excitedly before pointing at me. “You played fucking Download.”
Before I know what’s happening, he’s rounded the island, gripped me around the waist, and picked me up like my two hundred plus pounds is nothing.
“Ev, this is the coolest thing that’s ever happened.
” He’s laughing when he sets me back on my feet, but it fades when he takes my face in his hands and says, “I’m so proud of you, little brother. ”
And that’s all it takes for something inside me to flip a switch.
Growing up, Mom and Jess were the type of people who showed love by giving you a hard time.
Saying things like ‘I’m proud of you,’ isn’t something they do.
It’s only now that I realize how much I needed to hear it.
I’ve pushed myself for years to write a better song; worked with a singing coach to develop my voice; played thousands of hours on guitar, drums, and piano; overcame stage fright; worked out militantly so I could perform for ninety minutes; alienated myself from everyone because I thought I was protecting them from the circus.
Thinking if I could get everything perfect, I’d find peace.
But every day, there were new demands from management and a label that saw me as a money-making machine, not a human being.
And the relentless chatter from trolls online, threatening to out me or coordinate plans to stalk me after concerts, wore me down.
I was exhausted, and alone, and pissed, and scared, and burned out, and had fallen out of love with the one thing that was always a constant.
Music. But now, looking at him, it makes me wonder if maybe it was worth it.
“We always said we’d go to Download together someday.” I smile, and it’s the first time in so long that anything to do with Treachery’s Riot has made me happy. “I guess we did.”
My head still in his hands, he rocks me side to side before releasing. “Fuck yeah, we did.”
Soph’s standing on the far side of the room, hands tucked in her back pockets, and her head tipped to one side. “Evermore St. Clair? How did I not know your full name?”
Jess laughs. “It’s posh as hell, isn’t it?”
She shakes her head like she’s stunned. “Posh? I suppose. Sexy? One hundred percent.”
I can’t not touch her after saying something like that and walk to her. “Mom is a Poe fan. ‘The Raven’ is her favorite poem. Nevermore was too dark, so she went with Evermore.”
She takes my hands when I reach her. “I love that. It’s sweet.”
I can’t help but smile because the relief keeps hitting me in waves.
Jess asks, “We can tell Lola and Benji, right? Since it’s not a secret anymore.”
Without turning to face him, I say, “Sure.”
He sounds like an elephant plodding down the stairs, but I tune him out because the look on Soph’s face makes me want to take her to her bedroom and spend the rest of the day tangled in her sheets.
“Are you okay?” she whispers.
“I don’t know yet. You guys have no idea what’s coming. Shit’s about to get intense. But it’s a relief that you and Jess know. What about you? Are you okay?” I ask.
“I think I’m in shock, but that’s fading.
I’m moving into the how-can-we-get-Evermore-St.-Clair-through-this phase.
Which will dovetail nicely with the no-one-better-fuck-with-him-or-they’ll-have-to-go-through-me phase.
It’s all gonna come together. We need to sit down and put all our cards on the table, though. No more secrets.”
“No more secrets.” I know our time alone is coming to an end when I hear Lola scream, so I lean down and kiss the side of Soph’s neck. I need an outlet because I’m a volcano ready to erupt.
When her back bows and she arches into me, I know she’s coiled as tight as I am.
“We could make them wait?” I whisper before tugging at her earlobe with my teeth.
She kisses the underside of my jaw. “I’ll send them to pick up pizza. I think we both need to burn off some of this adrenaline.”
Lola is running up the stairs, yelling, “You’re shitting me? This can’t be true!”
Before she appears, I sit down on one of the chairs at the dining table and pull Soph down onto my lap. The gasp she lets out when my hardening cock lines up perfectly with her ass crack only fans the flames.