Chapter 53 Sonya
SONYA
There was a period of time, especially before Quinn came back into my life and before I met Kavi, that I thought my heart was shriveled—in a good way. It was a point of pride, this not-caring-about-anything strength.
Watching Adrian on stage today, I know, unequivocally, my heart exists. It’s not shriveled at all and I should be looking on the floor for it, because it’s been wrenched out of me. Not that it’ll get lost. How could it be when it’s heading towards the stage, to him?
I’m rubbing my wrists and grinding my teeth. My body wants to follow. It hurts keeping myself back, and it hurts even more listening to him breaking down talking about Jesse.
Mr. Osler is right.
What he’s doing, I want to be doing.
Clinging to him and repeating it’s not your fault. Over and over until Adrian can never think anything else. He was a kid. It devastates me that he’s been keeping this kind of pain and guilt inside him. I also get it now, even more, why he’s always so afraid of letting people down.
As soon as Adrian and Mr. Osler pull apart, I step in. As if it’s the most natural thing in the world, I hold my arms open.
Adrian didn’t expect the gesture, and in fact, he looks shattered by it.
He closes the gap between us and melts into me.
His face is buried in my hair, and he’s inhaling deeply.
I’m not the best with helpful words, but I try.
“You’re so brave, you can’t blame yourself.
It’s not your fault. It’s going to be okay—”
His breathing finally slows. Adrian tries to give me some space, I think he’s afraid he’s crushing me. I don’t let him go. I hold him harder, harder, and harder.
Until there it is.
A balm to my dark soul.
His faint chuckle.
“Are you trying to suffocate me, baby?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you,” he whispers, squeezing me.
“For suffocating you?”
“For being here. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
In my mind, I say always. Out loud I say, “Obviously.”
We pull apart, and I’m introduced to Jesse’s dad.
“Lovely to meet you, Sonya,” he says, smiling warmly at me. “You two better get out of here, before you get bombarded by the crowd.”
Adrian’s arm goes protectively around my waist. “Are you sure?”
“Definitely, son. I’ll see you later.”
Quick plans are made for Mr. Osler to come to Adrian’s next game, and then we’re exiting through a side door.
Before we leave, we hear Mr. Osler go back on stage and tell everyone that at the hospital where Jesse passed, there’s a wing named after Jesse because of how much Adrian has donated to it. And that Adrian’s also been funding youth hockey camps around the country under Jesse’s name.
Back in the car, Adrian promises that we’ll head back to Vancouver right away. “I’ll drop you off at the studio, darling.”
He knows I’d carved time out of a rigorous schedule to be here.
I open my mouth to agree, because that’s where I should be. Practicing ballet. The audition is fast approaching. I’m stressed.
What comes out is, “This is where you grew up, right? Does your family still live here?”
“My mom and my sisters do.”
I lean closer, curious. “You don’t want to see them?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Normally, I’d have dinner with them before heading back, but it’s a long drive back to Vancouver, and I’m already so grateful that you took time off from ballet to drive all the way here with me, plus the team is flying out tomorrow, so I’ll just catch them next time. ”
“Why wasn’t your family at the memorial today?”
“They didn’t know I’d be there, but also—“ Adrian winces. “I’ve been avoiding this for so long, I made them think they needed to do the same.”
He’s looking out the window, ashamed about this, too.
I touch his knee. “It doesn’t have to be that way anymore.”
Our eyes meet. His are wide with some unreadable emotion. Gratefulness, maybe. “Yeah. It won’t be.”
“Do you want to see your family tonight?”
His eyes widen with surprise. The look on his face tells me that he does. Before he can reassure me that it’s okay that he doesn’t, I blurt out, “Invite me over for dinner with them.”
Adrian jerks the car to a stop in the middle of the road. Thankfully, it’s a small town. There’s no one behind us. “You would come with me?”
“Ask me and see.”
I really shouldn’t be doing this. Like he said, there are dancing things I must be doing. I’d be foolish to give up more time. But—
His eyes are still bright. This unshed, exhausted I-can’t-believe-today wobbliness that hasn’t settled. I mean, the last hour has been a lot. It’s going to take a while.
And I know that even though he’s flying out bright and early tomorrow to Edmonton, if he was here alone, he’d still have gone over to say hello to his family. That’s just the kind of person that Adrian is.
Adrian swallows, staring at me. “Would you…come to dinner with my family?”
“If I must.” Then a clarification because he’s still staring, “I mean, yes. I would.”
And that’s when I get it, what I’ve been missing. Why I’ve pushed myself past all previous comfort zones and done this. What makes my worried tension untwist.
It’s lighting up his face.
His blinding, elated grin.