Chapter 30 Grace
Grace
Eighteen Years Old
“Blow out the candles,” Mae says, hovering over me at the kitchen table. I glance at Danny, and he throws me a wink. It’s weird to hear those words from someone other than him.
Every year on my birthday, I extinguish fake candles in our special spot.
When we were younger, he’d bring me a red flower in lieu of a gift.
A strawberry flower for the strawberry girl, he’d always say.
Even though Danny’s tacked on actual presents in years since, the flower ritual is still my favorite.
“Bee…before I turn seventy, please,” Mae sighs.
“You’re older than seven—”
“That’s it. Take away the gifts, Janie.” Mae waves to the gift boxes on the coffee table I hadn’t noticed until now.
I can’t hold myself back from asking, “You guys got me presents?”
Eight eyes snap toward me, six with sympathy and two with devotion, as I swallow the truth of what I’ve implied through my question.
Outside of Danny, the last birthday gift I received was perfume from Mae for my thirteenth birthday. From that point on, she mailed money. I needed that fifty dollars more than she knew, but there’s something different about tearing wrapping paper off a box someone dressed up just for you.
Danny interrupts the awkwardness, clearing his throat.
“Make a wish, Gracie.”
I smile gratefully and lean forward to blow out all eighteen candles. I’m an old pro, so they go down in one swoosh.
Danny bends down and whispers in my ear, “What’d you wish for, Gracie girl?”
I shiver. “I’ll tell you tonight.”
“Okay, love you,” Danny whispers.
We say ‘I love you’ all the time…but we’ve said that for years, as friends.
Every time he tells me that he loves me, I wait for the ‘in’.
I am hopelessly in love with him, but I haven’t had the courage to say it first. With graduation right around the corner, I want to tell him how I feel.
If I’ve learned anything through the therapy sessions I’ve been going to twice weekly, it’s that being open and honest with your emotions is key to healing.
Two slices of strawberry cake later, I’ve opened all my gifts. Homemade braided string bracelets from Tessa, a book from Janie, and enough trendy clothes from Mae to outfit me for a whole month.
It’s nearly sunset when Mae leaves for her Friday night gardening club meeting. As soon as the door clicks shut, Danny and I lock eyes.
Less than three minutes after that, we’re upstairs making out on my fluffy, pink double bed.
His hands travel up and down my sides, sneaking under my shirt to rub my back.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over this feeling, what it’s like to kiss him.
His lips are so soft, and he smells like clean laundry and oranges.
I love how his thick hair is long enough for me to run my fingers through the strands.
He pulls back slightly and gives me a crooked, teasing smile. “So, what’s your wish?”
I don’t say anything in response. Instead, I stare into his hazel eyes. I admire the little gap between his two front teeth. And I decide that this is it.
“I’m in love with you, Danny.”
He lifts an eyebrow in what appears to be confusion. Oh my God, is he that thrown off by my confession? I flush and avert my eyes.
“Yeah, baby. I love you, too?”
Steadying myself, I take a deep breath and decide to confess my feelings one more time. If he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s fine, but at least I’ll know.
“But I’m in love with you, Danny. I love you. As more than a friend.”
“I should hope so?” He narrows his eyes, searching mine. “Why’re you acting weird?”
“I…what? I’m not acting weird.”
“I say ‘I love you’ all the time,” he says defensively, then pauses. “And you say it back.”
I take two moments to join his confusion before I start giggling. I am way overthinking this. Danny is nothing if not a straightforward guy. Of course he thinks “I love you” means, well… I love you. How did I have such a wrong read on this?
He isn’t laughing. “I don’t understand. Do you love me or not?”
Poor, poor, simple boy. I grab his cheeks with both hands. “I love you, Danny. I love you so much.”
He sniffs and tilts his chin up. “Oh. Okay then.”
Grabbing his neck and tugging his face toward mine, I smile into our kiss as we start making out again.
His fingers brush up against my bra strap underneath my shirt.
We’ve only done over-the-bra-and-underwear-stuff since we started dating, and I’m ready to move this whole shebang forward.
Too ready. Danny’s always saying there’s no rush, because we’re “in it for the long game.” But I might die from his chivalry.
After a few minutes, I pull back and decide I want more tonight. Breathing heavily, I announce, “I’m ready.”
It takes him a few beats before he understands. “Gracie,” he whispers. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. But if you don’t want—”
His voice lowers. “I want. You have no idea how much I want.”
“Oh.” My cheeks warm. “Good…that’s good. Um, do you have a…?” I trail off.
Danny knows I take birth control every night. We can thank Mae for that prescription. I’m religious about the timing. He blushes every time my reminder alarm goes off. But I still want to be extra safe.
“Yeah. Um, you said I could keep whatever I wanted in the desk drawer, so I, uh, put a condom and a small bottle of lube in your pencil pouch last month.” My eyes widen in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting anything from you,” he hastily clarifies, “but I wanted to be prepared.”
I give him a small smile. “I’m glad you did.”
He nods and moves toward my desk to collect the condom and lube. As he does that, I stand up and start taking off my clothes. I think that’s next in this whole order of events, but what do I know? It’s the first time for both of us. We’ll just have to make sense of it together.
First, my sweater, then my shirt, then my pants, then my socks, then my—
“What are you wearing? Oh my God. I…what. You? Jesus Christ.”
I glance down at my body to make sure everything’s in place. Looks good to me, so I’m not sure what’s going on here. I frown. “Do you not like it? Ben said…”
“BEN? Did you go lingerie shopping with Ben?” Danny screeches in confusion, looking like he’s trying really hard not to be mad.
I wince. Bringing up another man while propositioning this one probably isn’t in good form. Standing in the emerald green lace lingerie I bought at Victoria’s Secret, I quickly correct myself.
“No, oh my God. Sorry. Ben mentioned that he loves when Mia surprises him in different ways since they’ve been together so long. So I thought I’d…are you surprised?” I gesture toward my body like it’s the latest computer model.
“I can’t remember a time in my life when I was more surprised,” Danny squeaks out in a high-pitched voice I’d only ever heard him use with Charger.
“Not even at the end of The Sixth Sense?”
“Not even then,” he says solemnly.
We both stand, in silence, for another thirty seconds. Now that Danny’s come down from The Ben Lingerie Fiasco, he’s openly gawking at me. A minute passes, and I wonder if I should blow on him like I do his Nintendo 64 game cartridge when it doesn’t work, just to see if that does something.
When I start to lean in, he says, “Gracie, I don’t want to assume. You have to be specific. You want to…”
“Go all the way. Have sex.”
He takes a deep breath and blows it out through his teeth, looking a little out of control.
“So I can…”
“Do everything. Take my clothes off, touch me anywhere, talk me through it.”
“Fuck.” Then he starts muttering a flurry of words under his breath. “Slowdownkeepittogether.”
I wonder if he knows I can hear his inner thoughts and patiently wait for him to either acknowledge me or come back to reality. It doesn’t appear that he will be doing either anytime soon, so I reach behind my back to unhook my bra.
He stops me with his hands. “Wait, Gracie. We haven’t even done the other bases yet.
I can make you feel good doing something else, if you don’t want to go all the way.
” He clears his throat. “Just touching underneath our clothes, or I’ve, um, never done anything with my mouth before.
So, that would be new for both of us, too. ”
My body temperature continues to rise with every word he says. “While that sounds good, I’m feeling very ready to have sex. Let’s do it.”
“Hold on. I don’t want to hurt you. We can do other things first to warm you up. It’ll hurt less that way, I think.”
“But we’ll do it after that stuff, right?”
He smiles his Big Danny Smile. “Yeah, if you want. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Touch me, please.”
He groans. “You can’t say things like that to me right now.”
“Why not?”
“Because I feel like I’m already two seconds away from coming and I haven’t even taken off your bra yet.”
“Okay,” I say thoughtfully, “then let’s take off my bra. Before you do that.”
“Jesus.” A bead of sweat forms on his hairline. “Can you come closer?”
I step right in front of him. He swiftly takes off his shirt before easily unhooking my bra with one hand. He nervously wipes his hands on the side of his pants and breathes out, “Gracie, you’re so beautiful.”
I soak up the compliment as Danny leans closer to me and lifts his hands.
My breasts have grown fuller over the past year due to having regular meals, and they fit perfectly in his palms. He lightly squeezes them before circling my pink nipples with two of his fingers.
I shiver, and my nipples seem to get harder.
“I love these,” he murmurs as he places one in between his thumb and index finger and lightly pinches. I gasp and a tiny whimper slips out of my mouth.
“God, Gracie. I’m obsessed with the noises you make. Does this feel good?”
“Yes,” I breathe. “It feels so good.”
“Are you getting wet?”
“Yeah.” I’m definitely wet. I feel tingly all over.
“You’re doing great.”
My breasts drop slightly when he removes his hands.
“Leave your underwear on for now.”
I nod and run my hands down his chest.