Chapter 2
TWO
PERRY
Spent, sated, and completely fucked out, I flopped over onto my back on Darren’s bed, not caring about the mess we made.
He could afford laundry service. That’s what he’d told me the first time I’d worried about his sheets.
After I caught my breath a bit, I rolled over and draped myself across his body.
Our relationship had slowly evolved over time.
Sure, Darren wasn’t out, but that was okay.
He knew about my job and didn’t mind that he had to share my body with other men.
Sometimes he’d even ask me to tell him about what—or who—I did that day.
And now that we’d been seeing each other pretty steadily for the past year, he’d long since stopped having a post-coital panic attack.
“Can you hand me my phone?” Darren asked. “It’s over on the nightstand on your side of the bed.”
My side of the bed. I tried not to read into that, but I couldn’t help it.
I didn’t even have a toothbrush here, so having a side of the bed felt like a big deal.
A huge deal. Slowly but surely I was chipping away at Darren’s defenses.
Today, a side of the bed. Tomorrow, a toothbrush. And maybe soon, a real date.
Rolling over, I grabbed his phone and that’s when I spotted a golden envelope. Snoopy as hell, I grabbed it too.
“What’s this?” I asked as I handed him his phone. “Aren’t you going to open it?”
“I don’t need to open it because I know what it is. It’s an invitation to the annual charity ball to raise funds for the hospital.”
“A charity ball? That sounds amazing. Are you going?”
Darren nodded but didn’t even look away from his phone. “It’s practically a requirement.”
“Are you allowed to bring a plus one? I mean—I know you’re not out, but I could always come as a friend.”
When Darren stiffened, I wanted to yank the words back and shove them down my throat.
I knew it was a dumb idea the moment they left my mouth, but I couldn’t stop them.
The invitation had caught me by surprise, and I’d always wanted a reason to go to some big, fancy event where I’d have to dress up.
“You know I can’t bring you, Perry. Don’t be stupid.”
Darren’s words slapped me across the face, sharp and stinging like the tail of a whip. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to elaborate on that for me. You know, explain it in little words so my dumb ass can understand.” Rage burned in my stomach. I hated—despised—loathed—being called stupid.
Darren rolled his eyes. “Don’t be dramatic.” He looked over at me, calm, cool, aloof. All the things that had attracted me to him at first suddenly waved in my face like the red flags they were.
“Surely you’re allowed to bring a friend.”
“Yes, I could bring a friend. But, Perry, think of the optics. I bring a friend no one has met before, and he’s a gay porn star? I might as well show up in a rainbow tuxedo with the word gay written on my forehead in glitter.”
“Wow. Okay. Right.” I got out of bed and went in search of my clothes. “Silly me. I’m good enough to fuck, but heaven forbid you acknowledge my existence outside the bedroom. Even as a friend. Fuck you, Darren.”
My hands shook, but I managed to shove my feet into my jeans. Fuck my underwear, he could keep them, and I snatched my shirt off the floor.
“Don’t get hysterical, Perry. You know I’m not out. You know what this is. Don’t get pissed at me because you want to change the rules.”
He barely batted an eye at me as I shoved my arms in my shirt and tugged it on. Fuck the buttons. I was dressed enough.
The worst part was that he was right. He’d never been out. He’d never promised me anything. He never said he’d come out one day. He never wanted to be seen with me in public. He never even made room for a toothbrush for me in the bathroom.
“You’re right. I don’t like the rules. But lucky for me, I get to make new ones. Lose my number.”
He rolled his eyes again. “Glady. Fucking drama queen.”
Despite wanting to tear a strip off him a mile wide for how the past three minutes had gone, I forced myself to walk away.
I didn’t even try to make it look like he didn’t just fuck the life out of me.
Shirt undone, pants slung low, hair a mess, I walked out of his condo looking freshly fucked.
Let his neighbors see. I hope they fucking did.
Down in my car, I still wouldn’t let myself fall apart. I clenched my teeth so hard I worried they might break, and I threw my car into reverse. Anger and humiliation swirled in my stomach and everything was so hazy I didn’t even remember the drive, but somehow I’d ended up at Blue’s door.
Blue was a fellow porn star, and he had two porn star boyfriends. Honestly, he was living the dream. I was insanely jealous but mostly happy for him. Blue was like a brother to me, and so was Jax. I didn’t know Asher as well, but he was a good guy.
Blue opened his door and yanked me inside and right into a hug. “What’s wrong, Perry?”
“I’m so stupid. Fucking straight boys. Fucking closeted assholes. Never again.”
“Oh, honey.” Blue squeezed me tighter and then helped me navigate to the couch. “Is it that asshole doctor that you’ve been seeing?”
I sniffled. “I’m not seeing him anymore. I told him to lose my number.”
“Good,” Blue said. “I’m sad that you’re sad, but I’m not sad that you’ve broken it off with him. You deserve better than that.”
The worst part was that I knew Blue was right.
I did deserve better, and I’d known all along that Darren was giving me scraps.
Just enough to keep me interested in coming around again.
Like a fool, I kept going back. Time and time again.
Occasionally he’d throw me a crumb, like an after-sex snuggle.
And I was dumb and desperate and delusional.
“I know I do.” I let out a sigh and shimmied down the couch a bit so I could lie down and put my head in Blue’s lap. He raked his fingers through my hair.
“You need your roots done soon. I could help you if you wanted.”
“Not today, but that sounds nice.” I sniffled. “Why do I do this to myself? I can have sex whenever I want, so why do I settle for guys who only want that?”
“Because you’re a silly man with horrible taste in men.”
“Rude.”
Blue poked me in the side. “It’s true.”
“Yeah, I know. I just—there was this invitation on his nightstand for some big charity event, and I thought, stupidly, that he could take me as a friend. I could dress up. It would be fun. And before I could stop myself, I said as much. But it turns out that Doctor Darren isn’t allowed to have porn stars for friends because then people might guess that he’s a closeted homosexual. ”
Blue snorted. “Sorry, but if anyone doesn’t realize that man plays for our team, they are blind as fuck.”
“Not everyone has gaydar as well-honed as ours, Blueberry.”
He poked me in the side again. “You know I’m right.”
“I just want someone who doesn’t hate what I do, who doesn’t mind that I’m going to have sex with other people sometimes.
Who knows that it’s just work, just a job.
And who isn’t ashamed to be seen with me in public.
And I feel like that’s asking too much. I don’t think that person exists, and if he does, you’re dating both of them.
” I tried to laugh because I’d meant it to be a joke, but my heart wasn’t in it.
“I should go home. Gumball is probably wondering where I am.”
“Gumball is probably sleeping in your fruit bowl like he always is.”
“It’s the one thing he does that makes me believe he’s actually a cat and not a dog trapped in a cat's body.” Gumball was a rescue I’d adopted.
Not only did he have his long black hair working against him, but he’d been at the shelter for a long time because people thought he was weird.
Turned out Gumball had been raised by dogs, so he did things like lay there and pant like a dog would.
He begged for food at dinnertime too. His love of lying in my fruit bowl, whether or not it had fruit in it at the time made no difference to him, was one of his truly purely cat behaviors.
“Gumball can look after himself.”
“Are you implying that I can’t?” I looked up at Blue, and he booped the end of my nose.
“I’m implying that you don’t have to. You should crash here. We can get the couch turned into a bed, I’ll make some popcorn, and we can watch movies.”
“And what about when your boyfriends get home?”
“When my boyfriends get home, they’re going to climb into the couch bed and hog the popcorn and talk through the slow parts of the movie, and they’ll probably fight over who gets to cuddle you.”
Blue made it sound so nice that I almost convinced myself to stay, but instead I pushed myself to my feet and finally did up the buttons on my shirt.
“Perry—”
“I think I really just need to be alone.”
Blue nodded when he saw how serious I was. Once my shirt was buttoned, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. He hugged me back like he was trying to smash all my pieces back together. Honestly, I could use a million more hugs just like it and pulling away was almost impossible.
“Are you sure? Because you can stay.”
“I’m sure. The offer is appreciated, but I’ll be okay. But hey, if you happen to know any single men who aren’t closeted assholes and who don’t hate sex workers, let me know.” The bar was on the floor. In Hell.
The lowest point of the whole night was getting home to Gumball and having no missed calls on my phone. No text messages from Darren begging me to reconsider. It was clear to me that Darren never gave a single shit about me.
I sat on the floor and Gumball came ambling over and he draped himself across my lap. Then opened his mouth and started to pant.
“You’re so fucking weird, Gumball. But you managed to find someone to love you, so maybe there’s hope for me yet. What do you think?”
Gumball kept his thoughts to himself. Asshole.