8. I Kill Things Too
8. I KILL THINGS TOO
ELOWYN
With a start, I woke to sweaty sheets and a dark, suffocating quiet.
Whatever the tincture was that I’d discovered hidden behind Rush’s braid, it still gripped me in its clutches as unforgivingly as the queen had just hours earlier. My thoughts crept past me with agonizing slowness. Whenever I reached out to clasp on to them, they only ever drifted by without a backward glance.
That had, of course, been the entire point.
The tonic’s bitter taste tugged at my memory. This feeling of being unable to escape a force overtaking my body was familiar. It had been years since I’d experienced a fever, when I’d woken to find Zako praying over me—the only time I’d ever heard him beg anyone for anything. I might not have known what substance exactly the tiny vial contained, but I could guess at its effect. Rush, forever sharp and alert, was neither. His movements were awkward, his gaze faraway, and he hardly spoke when he should have had more to protest than usual.
Rush had barely been in his body.
I’d wanted that, and desperately. When I’d had to watch him go down on the nasty queen while she moaned and came, I’d wanted out of my body too. And when I’d recognized how angry she was that he wasn’t aroused like she was, moments from punishing him for not enjoying his public violation , I’d had no choice but to intervene.
Though readying Rush to have sex with her hurt as badly as him fucking stabbing me through the heart, I couldn’t abandon him to her. The desire to cause him awful pain brimmed in her eyes as she examined his limp dick—like it was a lever he could push up or down, for fuck’s sake. As if attraction should have nothing to do with sex. As if sex shouldn’t be lovemaking.
I’d leaned into the fog of the drug and pretended only he and I were on that bed. I was drawing his focus to me not to get him hard to perform for her— fucking yuck —but to make love to me.
Had my heart not squeezed and spasmed and clenched so hard it stole my breath, I might have been able to believe the lie.
But I hadn’t. I’d suffered and endured.
Just as Rush had.
His mind hadn’t remembered me, but some part of him surely had. Even free of its usual focus, his eyes found me over and over and over again .
Perhaps I offered him at least some small part of the salvation he fought to secure for others.
I waited until Ivar and Braque had dragged him away. By then Rush had been largely unresponsive, clutching on to me like I was a raft and he shipwrecked in a churning ocean. Completely naked, the soldier and drake who never faltered stumbled as they led him from the room.
I’d tried to follow, but my feet were similarly clumsy. Next thing I knew, I found myself in another bed, the faint murmurings of Octavia Lily Rose filtering through my haze.
Feeling only the presence of the timid scaless, I’d soon fallen into a fevered, restless sleep. Rush’s face, blank and broken, had haunted me until my dreams had filled with him making love to the queen, all the while whispering my name to her.
I blinked away the vestiges of my nightmares, the fever gone but for a dull thump of a headache, and strained to listen. It was too still, my instincts warned me, and I was careful not to move.
Gauzy curtains were drawn around my bed—Octavia’s doing, I guessed. I’d chosen a bed near a corner of the vast communal chamber. There was room around it to advance from all sides, which was far from ideal, but if necessary I could back myself into the corner and defend myself from fewer directions. Behind, double doors led out onto a giant balcony, but they wouldn’t open to me. It had been one of the first things I’d tried. Octavia had claimed the bed beside mine.
I listened and waited. When no significant sound came, I slid silently up my pillows. The hushed snores of twenty-one other sleeping women filled the space.
Despite the evidence, my body refused to believe I was safe. Soundlessly, I reached for the sheath I’d strapped to my thigh. It bound my skin uncomfortably, but when every damn person but me could wield magic, a dagger beneath my pillow still felt too exposed. In truth, every defense for magic I had seemed insufficient.
I focused on my breathing, attempting to release the squeezing pressure in my head, until I finally heard something. A faint scuff. So quiet it might have been imagined.
Sliding the dagger out from under the sheets, I gripped it and slowly crawled to the center of the bed. My covers were soft and decadent, and didn’t crinkle.
Crouched on one knee, I was facing the direction of Octavia’s bed when a movement beside my pillow caught my eye. The curtain was fluttering.
Something slid … somewhere, sounding like a soothing, long-drawn caress.
And then I saw it. A dark rope as thick as my arm coiling across my pillow.
From the darkness, the rope coalesced into parts: first, a flat head. A slim tongue darted out, tasting the air .
A snake.
Winding toward me across my bed. Where I’d been sleeping only moments before.
The remnants of the drug and my fevered sleep vanished as my focus trained on my attacker.
The snakes in Embermere were unfamiliar to me. I had no idea how this one might strike, only that it would. How close would it draw before it lunged for me?
If only I’d bunched the covers in front of me, I could have thrown them over its head to protect myself from its bite?—
The snake struck. So fast my thoughts didn’t register the attack before my body was moving.
I dipped to the right, lunged forward onto my other knee, and reached for the snake with my free hand.
I managed to grab it, but too far from the head. Fangs bared, it jerked them toward me, writhing as it tried to shake my hold.
Despite all my training, I gasped, then whipped the snake at the bed, its head bouncing against it. Again and again, I whipped the upper half of the snake onto the too-soft bed that caused it no real damage.
Its body undulated as it thrashed, so I kept hitting it against the bed. Eventually it would tire, and then I’d stab it.
I tired before the snake did, so I squeezed my fingers down around it as hard as I dared. Any harder, and I’d kill it.
I should just kill it, shouldn’t I? I pressed harder?—
The snake ceased its desperate jerking. Without releasing my grip, I slid the coverlet out from under me and folded it over its body. I dropped my knife beside me within easy reach and clamped the covers over its head with my now free hand.
The snake stilled completely.
My chest heaved. “For fuck’s sake,” I muttered under my breath. Whoever had sent the snake for me wouldn’t be far.
I was going to kill the snake. I had to. It was the only smart option. I’d kill the snake, find whoever sent it, and kill them too.
And yet, something—a new surge of instincts perhaps—stayed my hand.
An idea took shape in my mind.
That’s fucking nuts, Elowyn , I chided myself.
Even so, the idea only grew firmer, as if some outside force were pushing it to me.
I shook my head in silent protest. Nope .
Yep , my instincts pressed.
“Fuck me,” I murmured, then gripped the snake’s body firmly with one hand … and revealed its head with the other, pressing down on the diamond just above its eyes so it couldn’t strike.
It tried to open its mouth but couldn’t. I attempted to peer into its eyes but it was too dark.
I’m out of my fucking mind .
I sucked in a deep breath and leaned forward.
I must have accidentally loosened my hold on its head a bit because it was able to hiss at me, causing me to jerk back and press down on its head so hard its eyes bulged. That, I couldn’t miss.
“If you bite me, I will kill you,” I whispered to the snake—which couldn’t understand me, surely not. But I continued anyway, my strange instincts leading the way. “I don’t want to kill you,” I went on, pausing to consider whether or not that was the truth. The scary snake, after all, was in my bed for one reason only. “But if you attack, I won’t hesitate. Do you understand me?”
No, Elowyn, the snake doesn’t understand you. Duh.
The snake’s eyes shuttered vertically, and though it was likely a natural function, I thought it was somehow a message.
It was the fever, it had to be. Maybe I was hallucinating the snake in its entirety. Maybe it represented Rush’s dick being used to hurt me.
But an earlier knowing joined the current one. The same intuition that pushed me to bow before the mighty dragons urged me now.
Shaking my head, I refused to let myself hesitate. The sooner I got it done, the sooner I could get the snake out of my bed and have nightmares for a whole new reason.
Firmly gripping the snake now, I lowered my forehead to that diamond marking.
My heartbeat slowed and steadied—unexpected.
There you are, the snake spoke into my mind.
The snake spoke … into my fucking mind .
My eyes widened. This close the snake was blurry and I couldn’t make out a thing.
Uh, snake? I asked tentatively.
Unlesss you’re currently having another converssation in your mind with sssomeone elsse, then yesssss, ssssnake .
I gulped and drew back enough so its face would come into focus. So you can hear me?
I can, and I’d much appreciate it if you’d releasse my head. It feelsss like it’sss about to explode, and I’m not a fan of explossionssss, especially not of my head.
Its voice was refined, as if of a gentleman of the court. He emphasized his esses but otherwise sounded like a normal man.
Wait, are you a man?
Do I look like a man?
Of course not, but?—
I’m jusst messsing with you. Yessss, I’m a man. Ssometimessss.
You’re a changeling.
Very good.
I can hardly trust your intentions as a changeling any more than I can as a snake. If I let you go, you could still kill me.
I could.
And will you?
That dependsss.
On what?
On what arrangement we come to.
What do you suggest?
The snake choked out a little cough. Let up a little and I’ll tell you.
Frowning, I did let up, but only the slightest bit.
Wow, how generous of you, the snake said, sarcasm plain.
You’re in my bed to kill me, are you not?
Fair enough.
Who sent you?
No one ssendssss me. I’m my own fae.
So you’re entirely to blame for being here to kill me?
Well, I didn’t ssay that either, now did I?
You aren’t saying much. Are there more of you coming to kill me?
No. I’m more than ssufficssient for the job.
Then I should kill you now and spare myself from at least one danger at court.
The snake tensed beneath me before trying to wag its head free. I pressed harder, taking away what little freedom I’d allowed him.
He squeaked, then spoke in my mind, hurried now. We can be partnersss.
I don’t need a partner. That was certainly a lie. I could do with a thousand of them and still that wouldn’t be enough to guarantee my victory over the queen.
Then a life for a life. You sspare mine, I’ll sspare yoursss.
You aren’t sparing mine. In case you misssed it, I have the upper hand at the moment.
At the moment…
You do realize making threats doesn’t serve your purposes right now?
Yesssss, dammit. I can’t help mysself. I kill thingssss.
I leaned closer so that I was the snake’s entire world.
I kill things too.
Good, good, then we understand each other. You sspare my life now, and I’ll protect yoursss.
I eased up a smidgen. You promise never to hurt me?
Never isssssssssss a long time.
I squeezed his head sharply. More so when you aren’t around to experience it.
I ssee you’re a woman of sskillssss. Whatever that meant…
If you don’t want me to kill you right now, this moment, with you in my bed with the intention to murder me while I sleep, then you’ve got to give me your word that you’ll never hurt me or any of my friends.
When he didn’t answer, I added, And you’ll help me bring down the queen.
His body, which had been undulating idly behind him since we’d been talking, stopped. You mean to kill … her?
I mean to rip out her essence, burn it until only ashes remain, burn the ashes again just for good measure, and then send them packing to the Igneuslands, where she can suffer for eternity.
Okay, okay. I can apprecssiate ssome well-planned vengeancsse. I’m in.
Just like that?
Sshe killed my ssson, roassted him on a ssspit, and sserved him at a party in the Hall of Mirrorsssss.
I’m sorry for your loss. And if you’d like, I’ll fight to protect what remains of your family too.
Do you give me your oath that you will?
Yes. Will you give me yours? That you won’t hurt me or those I care for?
Yesssssss. But the oath of a changeling isss ssaid to mean nothing.
And is that true?
It dependsss on the changeling.
What about you?
I don’t know yet. But for tonight, I don’t think I’ll kill you. Though I do like killing…
Then how about you kill whomever asked you to kill me?
His tongue stuck out and vibrated as if he were considering. Yesss. Yesssssss. That’ll do.
We’ve exchanged an oath. I will keep mine, and you will keep yours.
How do you know I’ll keep mine?
Faith.
I released the pressure over his head until I cupped it gently.
He snorted a hiss. Faith.
Faith. It’s what will end the queen’s reign of darkness.
He canted his head to one side and then the other in a gesture that made him as much man as snake. We sshhhall ssee.
Yes we shall. Keep your word, snake. It’s the only way I’ll keep mine.
I’ll be gone and then you won’t be able to harm me.
Are you so sure? And that I can’t figure out whom else you love and hunt them down too?
I wouldn’t, of course I wouldn’t—or at least, I didn’t think I ever would. But I bared my teeth regardless. We look out for each other. It’s the only way it’ll work.
And the queen burnssssss-ssssss-ssss in the Igneusslandsssss?
She’ll burn forever.
Before I thought it was settled between us, he turned and slithered down the bed the way he’d come.
I sat on my haunches for several long seconds before sliding the dagger back into its sheath. Both hands were at my heart, at the puckered scar Rush had given me, when a woman’s scream woke the night.