Chapter 25
25
L awson stepped onto the porch of his parents' house, sipping coffee. Moving to the rocking chair, he sat and looked out over the land. He was growing to really love it again. Over the past few months, he had let himself become bitter toward the ranch and how it controlled his life, but now he felt like a kid again who got to play and ride horses for a living. Now he knew this was where he wanted to be. His mind raced with ideas for the ranch and how he could do more with his job and make it his own. He hadn’t talked to Sawyer or the other brothers yet, but he was sure they would support him in his ideas. The other idea consuming him right now wasn’t something, but someone.
“God,” he prayed, “I want to move forward with Harper. I think You brought me to a place where I know what I want to do with my life, and now I want to tell her.” He thought about the plans he was making and how he would carry them out. “Lord, I pray that You would prepare her heart to hear what I have to say. I know she has some concerns, but I pray that we would both trust You with the future. And I pray that the future for us is together.”
Harper sat on the floor of her childhood bedroom and reached for the box she had pulled from the closet. Opening the lid, she laughed at the contents. “Mom, why did you let me keep everything I ever owned?" she called out down the hallway.
Mom entered the room smiling and sat on the edge of the twin bed with a ruffled pink bedspread. “Because you just loved everything. Trying to get you to clean out and get rid of things was something akin to torture. And I couldn’t even think about sneaking it out. You would either find it and be so hurt that I tried to get rid of it, or if I managed to get it out of the house, you would think of it months later and ask me where it was. I always said I didn’t know, which was true by then, but that look in your eye said you knew what I had done.”
Harper laughed. “I’m sorry, Mom. It’s funny to think how attached I was, and then I left it all here. I’ve owned very little over the last few years.”
“And now you get to take care of all of this,” Mom held her hands out, indicating the full room.
“Yeah, but now I see that it’s just stuff. What I really wanted was to hold onto the memories and the feelings from all the moments.” She looked at Mom and smiled. “You gave us a wonderful childhood.”
Mom brushed at her eyes. “I’m so glad you think that. Honestly, there were so many times I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. And when you and Noah would fight, I thought I would pull my hair out.”
Harper laughed. “We did fight when we were little, didn’t we? It’s funny, I don’t think about that often. I only remember the good stuff.”
Mom nodded. “That’s how it should be. It’s what I hoped back then, that you would keep the good memories.”
“I have, Mom.” Harper swallowed to push down the emotion rising in her chest. She wished she could keep the mood light, but she had to say what was on her heart. “Mom, I’m sorry that I left after Noah died. Looking back, I can see how much that must have hurt you. I didn’t mean for that to happen. It’s just that I lost my brother and my best friend, and I didn’t think anyone could understand how I felt. So I ran away. I guess I thought that without Noah, our family wasn’t really a family anymore.”
Mom sniffed as a tear slid down her cheek. “It was such a hard time. I wanted to come after you and bring you home, but your father and I both knew we needed to let you process this in your own way. We couldn’t believe that you still wanted to be around rodeo events, but I see now that you were just trying to keep his memory alive.”
“It was hard to be at the rodeos, but I felt like if I wasn’t there, I might forget what he was like. When I watch other bull riders, it terrifies me, but they jump off or fall, and when their back is to me, for just a second, it’s almost like it’s Noah.” She shook her head. “But I’m letting that go. Noah isn’t at the rodeo; he’s in heaven with Jesus. I’ll see him again one day. Until then, I’m glad I have photos of him doing what he loves, and I have his memory in my heart.”
Mom moved onto the floor and wrapped Harper in a hug. “I’m so thankful we had him. He was a light in this world, and he made everyone smile. He would be so glad to know that you are ready to move on with your life.”
Harper pulled back and nodded as she wiped at her tears. “I know he would. Now I just need to figure out what moving on looks like.”
“Keep asking God. I know He will show you in His perfect timing.”
Harper hugged Mom again. “You’re right. And I’m sure whatever we do next, we will go together.”