Chapter 41 Eva
EVA
Smoke curls into my lungs, scorching my throat all the way down to my chest. I swallow the sting of my cigarette, which has been a good distraction from what really hurts in my chest.
The burn is toxic. I’ve never been a smoker, but I’m desperate for that taste.
As I stare out of the open window in the cathedral washroom, overlooking the cemetery, my eyes skim the silent graves, fresh and old, lying still in the warmth of flowers and leaves.
I wonder how many other people have been here twice in six months to bury three people they loved?
And that’s not counting the loss of the living.
I know life isn’t fair. But what the fuck?
Jack Romney’s death was ruled a gang attack gone wrong. Dan returned from the hospital later that night with his arm bandaged, wearing a sling. He checked in on me, but I wasn’t ready to talk. The next day, I woke up to him banging on my door. Grandpa had had a heart attack.
It was a blessing in disguise, really.
He didn’t have to live to see what I had to. But it kills me that I ghosted his call the last time he tried to reach me.
My memories are back. Every single excruciating one.
But the nightmares aren’t my chained mind anymore—they’re the grief I’ve been strangled by for too long.
And the worst thing? I don’t have him to pull me out of the darkness that is devouring me whole.
Not his warmth, nor his unbreakable hold that kept me together.
I didn’t know if he would show up today. I can’t say his name. Not even in my head. It hurts too much. But I’m trying to distance myself. I have to. Loving him is like drinking poison and craving for more, every bitter drop. But sooner or later, something will die.
Coughing the smoke out, I ditch the rest of the cigarette in the washroom bin then glance at my reflection in the mirror.
I have lost a little weight. Actually, a lot. Thea has been my rock. She moved into my bedroom with her bags the week after and hasn’t budged since. I’m still on extended leave, but Dan—thankful for her presence— requested virtual access for Thea so she wouldn’t fall behind.
She’s worse than Kate. Doesn’t let me out of her sight and refuses to eat until I eat something.
Neat trick she picked up in my second week of unintentional fasting.
She promised she’d go back to Fort after the funeral.
And though I’m not sure how I’ll manage without her, at least I won’t be disrupting her studies anymore.
I slap on a little lip gloss, just to add some color, for the pretenses I must keep. At least, for today.
“Bean, you ready?” Dan knocks on the door.
“You can do this,” I whisper to myself as I turn around and open the door.
Dan frowns at the sight of my face.
“I’m fine,” I groan. “Let’s go!”
He takes my hand and walks with me to the cemetery for the burial.
After the service, we stand at the front of the cathedral, near the steps, thanking each person as they leave. The heaviness of the day wraps around me like a crushing embrace. My heart starts beating faster when the Grants appear at the threshold, slowly making their way to us.
Alessia, stunning even in black, walks up to me, ignoring the protests from the guards who won’t dare touch her. She leans in to kiss me on the cheek, then palms my face and gives me a comforting look before she walks away.
I don’t have the heart to look at him. So, I keep my eyes on the gravel, which looks too white for how black everything feels around me right now.
A pair of black shoes appears in front of me, and my heart lurches.
My eyes rise to find him, the man who takes up all my light.
And just like that, everything else blurs.
I swallow hard, but the lump in my throat doesn’t move.
He takes my space, my air, to the point my lungs struggle to breathe.
Don’t cry. Not yet. I don’t want him to remember me like this.
Dan tightens his grip around me as he reaches forward. His arms brush mine, igniting every nerve at the touch. Then his searching fingers slide over the sleeve of my coat, grazing the abrasions on my forearm. A strangled sound escapes my lips, but he smothers it with his shoulder in an awkward hug.
“Don’t worry, little dove,” he whispers in my hair. “I’m setting you free.”
Did everyone hear that loud crack in my chest, or was that deafening sound just for me?
I stay frozen as he presses his lips to my head, no kiss, just touch, for too short a moment, and then he pulls away.
“Feed her, will you?” he hisses at Dan, who frowns.
Then he turns around and walks away with his hands in his pockets. Hugo, Kane, and James stare at him in shock, like they can’t believe their eyes.
Well, join the queue. What the fuck just happened? He’s actually letting me go?
A sob tears from my throat, wanting to stop him, hell, beg him to stay. But I can’t move, can’t find my voice. I stay where he left me with my arm extended into nothing, tears streaming down my cheeks, as I watch the love of my life walk away from me.
“It’s for the best, Bean,” Dan murmurs in my ear. Another nail in the coffin that feels awfully like mine.
Later, back at Etheridge Mansion, Jonathan, Valerie, and Grace join us for dinner, though no one eats.
Jonathan was in shock for a while, but he’s been okay lately.
As okay a father can be, knowing we had the person who kidnapped his daughter among us all this time.
I can’t bear to look at him or Valerie, though they have sworn they never resented me for it.
Done with the niceties for today, I carry my heels to my bedroom and drop them outside my washroom. Then, I grab a rectangular box from the utility cabinet, shove open the window, and sit on the floor.
I take out another cigarette and light it, taking a long drag, when the door flies open.
“Hey,” Grace murmurs, her eyes scanning me for cuts or blood or whatever else she might have thought I was up to. “Can I join you?”
I shrug and motion to the space beside me. She sits down, frowning at the stick in my hands, and scrunching her nose, so I put it out and hide the rest under my dress.
For a few moments, we sit in silence.
“Does this remind you of anything?” she asks.
I chuckle. A few years ago, after a family dinner, I found Grace on the washroom floor like this. Though Grace is stronger than me, always has been.
“Yep.” I clear my throat. “Deja vu.”
“Is it ironic, I told you not to get your heart broken back then? And here we are.” She giggles, the sound anything but happy. I have started to spot the difference now.
I nod, chewing on my lip to bite the sound that wants to follow.
“What’s the plan, Evie?” she asks. “Aren’t you about done tormenting him? Or are we still pretending this has anything to do with Daniel?” She raises an eyebrow.
My eyes flash to her. She gives me a knowing look. Bloody Caden, that jerk is definitely getting an official traitor tattoo for Christmas.
“You’re wrong, you know.” She whispers. “As much as Mason Grant is barking mad, he is not Jack.”
“He could so easily be,” I murmur, staring at the floor.
“He won’t.” She shakes her head.
“How can you be sure?” I ask the question I have been keeping to myself.
“Because he is letting you go,” she says every word slowly, lighting a new fire inside me.
“And you think Dan will ever approve?” My eyes finally meet hers.
“Never,” she scoffs. “But we both know you don’t give a shit about what he thinks, and if he doesn’t see how much you love him, fuck him, Evie.”
My gaze returns to the floor, quietly letting her words sink in. I know she is right. About everything. But it’s too late, either way.
Either he really let me go. In which case, he’s already out of my reach, or my fears were right, and he meant what he said. That I will never have a choice. That his obsession knows no boundaries, not even if I draw them. I saw firsthand what toxic obsession like that does.
“You should go check on Jonathan. I’ll be fine,” I mutter.
She stares at me for a long moment, then rises and walks away, only to pause at the door. “You should know, Caden is gambling again.” I let out a long exhale and shake my head.
Once alone, I take out my phone and look at the time.
20:59
My eyes lock on the numbers as I count the seconds in my head. He has called me every night at 9 p.m., without fail. The phone rings in my shaking hands as I sit here, on the bathroom floor with a bleeding heart. His face flashes on my screen for twenty seconds before it turns dark.
I have been using it as a detox strategy. Not that it works.
21:00
I suck in a sharp breath, my teeth digging into the insides of my cheeks. Seconds tick by.
21:01