17. Anna
ANNA
Itext Joe.
Not going to make class tonight. Sorry.
He texts back.
Everything okay?
I stare at the phone.
Business meeting. See you next week.
Good luck.
I dress in tight jeans and a t-shirt. Leather jacket.
I get a call from Chloe. "You're not coming to class?"
"I'm going to a party with Luke."
"I know what you're doing."
"What am I doing?"
"You're trying to seduce him, Mrs. Robinson."
"Am I?"
"Anna Simons, wow, I didn't know you had it in you."
"He has to want me; he can't want me if he has me."
"You're falling in love with him."
I hear Luke knock on my door.
"I have to go. Have a good class."
"You're playing a dangerous game, Anna."
I hang up. Open the door. "You ready?"
"Let's do it."
We go outside. "Let's take the motorcycle. Do you mind?"
Luke smiles. "Yeah."
We hop on. I wrap my arms around his waist and press my chest against his back. My legs settle behind his, the inside of my thighs against him. The engine comes up through the seat and into my body. He pulls out of the gate and I hold tighter without meaning to.
By the time we hit the freeway I've stopped thinking.
Just his back against my chest. The wind pulling at my jacket. The particular warmth of another person's body at speed, when you have no choice but to hold on.
My heart is pounding and I'm not sure how much of it is the motorcycle.
We ride to Calabasas. The night opens up. The perfect sky.
The party is at a house in Calabasas belonging to a television producer whose pilot just got picked up.
Tonight I walk in and three women I recognize wave me over before Luke has finished talking to the host.
Jade. Not my neighbor Jade — a different Jade.
An actress I met at the Malibu party who just booked a recurring role on a network drama.
She introduces me to two others. Maya, who is two weeks from wrapping a Netflix limited series.
Priya, who just got off a press tour for an indie film that's getting Oscar buzz.
We find a corner and the conversation moves the way good conversations do — fast, overlapping, honest.
Agents. Auditions. The particular indignity of chemistry reads. Which casting directors actually watch the tapes and which ones decide in the first thirty seconds. How to negotiate without seeming difficult. What difficult even means when a man does it versus when a woman does.
"You look incredible by the way," Maya says at some point. "I'm jealous."
"Thank you. I've lost twenty-five pounds."
"How?"
"Diet. Working out with Luke."
"Okay, but you have to be careful not to go too far," Priya says. "I fainted on set last year from not eating. But you have to tell me how you did it."
"His housekeeper cooks for us. Chicken. Egg whites. Veggies. She's like a Nazi with the bread."
"That's what I need," Priya says. "It's fucking bread."
"And sugar. It's in everything," Jade says. "It's working for you."
"I just booked my third co-star," I say.
They high-five me.
"You're working with Delia? She's badass," Jade says.
"Can you get me a meeting with her?" Priya asks. "I need a new manager. It's time to level up."
"I can ask her."
"What show?" Jade says.
"New Horizons. It's a western on CBS. I booked it because I know how to ride a horse."
Jade grabs my arm. "Giddy up."
"It shoots in a few days."
"You're on a roll," Priya says. " Private Paradise and now this. People are starting to know your name."
"They know Luke," I say.
"They knew it because of Luke," Jade says. "They're remembering it because of you. Those are different things."
We exchange numbers. Plans for yoga. Dinner and drinks next. Where and when is TBD.
Luke appears at my elbow. He doesn't say anything. He hugs me from behind.
"Luke, now we know why you're losing your bad boy status."
"She's taming me."
"She's awesome."
"Shit, there's Steve. I have to go talk to him about the Sentinel." Luke takes off.
Jade watches him go.
"It's so romantic. He can't keep his hands off of you."
"He's a handful, if you know what I mean."
"Oh my God," Priya almost spits out her drink.
We're talking about directors and Priya mentions a film and Maya mentions the actress attached and Jade says, "Speaking of, did you hear about Rebecca Anderson?"
Everyone leans in slightly.
"The divorce is official," Jade says. "Filing happened last week. And apparently it's been in the works for two years."
"Because of the affair?" Maya says.
"Apparently. Some actor from the London production she did last year. Nobody big. But it went on for months."
"She had an affair?" I say.
"He did too," Priya says. "From what I heard it was mutual destruction."
She says it the way you say something when you're in mixed company and haven't fully accounted for who's standing next to you.
Walking away I realize I have friends here now.
Not struggling-actor friends held together by shared misery.
Working-actress friends.
I don't say anything to Luke on the ride home.
The city comes back in pieces. Streetlights. Freeway noise. The hills flattening out as we drop toward Hollywood.
I'm pressed against his back the same way I was two hours ago when everything felt fast and open and possible.
It feels different now.
Same roads. Slower this time. At least it feels slower.
My arms are still around him. Same as before. But before, I wasn't thinking about Rebecca Anderson.
I pull up my visor. Cool breeze against my face.
We pull into the garage.
I dismount, my legs still vibrating from the engine.
"I'm going to bed," he says. "I got my meeting tomorrow. Are you coming up?"
"Go ahead. I'll be up in a bit."
I sit on the couch alone with my phone.
I search Rebecca Anderson.
The headline comes up first.
The Most Beautiful Women in the World Gets Dumped.
There’s a photo under it. Rebecca Anderson on a red carpet. Black dress. Bare shoulders. Existing so completely in her own skin that the camera doesn’t know where else to look.
I put the phone down.
If Luke gets this part, he will be looking into her eyes. The most beautiful woman in the world. Lying in bed with her. Kissing her.
The thought arrives quietly, the way shameful thoughts do.
I hope he doesn't get the part.
I sit with that.
Six months in Morocco. Rebecca Anderson newly single. The two of them.
No. I don't mean that. I want him to get it.
I sit there for a while doing nothing.
Go to my room. I don't lock the door.
I hear footsteps a few minutes later. A knock at my door.
"It's open."
Luke opens the door, stands in the doorway.
I lay in bed. "Is everything alright?"
"I'm a little nervous about tomorrow."
I sit up. Pull the sheet up. "You're ready. You'll be fine."
"I don't think you know this — my father was in the military."
"No, I didn't know that."
"He kept reenlisting. That's what he wanted me to do. To him this is bullshit. You're not a real man unless you're in the army. That's where the real men are."
"Do you talk to him?"
"He passed away a while ago."
"You know what's funny about that?"
"There's something funny about that?"
"Not that — but you've played military guys like five times. And an astronaut."
"That is funny. I thought you'd never seen my movies?"
"I lied.”
"This is like one of those nights in your dorm room when we were rehearsing."
"I think he would have been proud of you, Luke."
He looks at me for a moment. Doesn't say anything.
"Good night, Anna."
"Good night, Luke."
He shuts the door.
I've been holding my breath. I let it out slowly. Sink back under the sheets.