30. Anna
ANNA
Nina is folding laundry on the kitchen table when I come downstairs.
She doesn't look up right away. She's working through a pile methodically the way she does everything — shirts first, then pants, then whatever's left. I pour coffee and lean against the counter and watch her hands move.
She gets to the new things. She folds them.
Then she holds up a pair of new pants.
"You bought new clothes?"
"Yeah."
"You want me to put these in the garage?" she says. "The other ones that don't fit?"
She looks at me when she asks it.
I set down my coffee.
"Um. No, I still need those."
"I saw your commercial. My daughter thinks you're very good."
"Thank you."
"If you ever need someone to run lines with you, I can do that."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I used to do it for Luke before you came along."
"Oh."
"That came out wrong." She looks up. "I think you're good for him. I was worried about him, the things he used to do. That motorcycle…"
"Can I tell you something, but you can't tell Luke?"
"I can't promise you that."
"Anna, tell Luke."
"You know, don't you?"
"Talk to Luke."
I go upstairs.
I sit on the edge of the bed for a long time.
Nina fucking knows.
I think about it all day.
I FaceTime Luke.
“Hey, what’s going on? I’m still on set.”
“I need a few minutes, go ahead. I’ll pop into my trailer.”
I wait for him to get there.
“Go ahead, what’s up?”
“Well, I don’t know how else to say this...”
“What?”
“There’s no way to say this but, I’m pregnant.”
His face goes blank.
“Luke?”
“Yeah, holy shit… Okay.”
“Look Luke, I know you don’t want a child and that’s not…
that’s not something you want. You were clear about that.
And when you said you loved me in the bathroom, it was during sex and I don’t have a lot of experience, but I know that doesn’t really count.
So, I’m not asking you to do anything. I want you to shoot this movie and not worry that I’m expecting you to do anything… ”
“Hey, we’re in this together, Anna. I’m going to do the right thing, but I can’t leave here.”
“Luke, let’s not do anything we’re going to regret like get married because I’m pregnant. You don’t want that and you’d hate me, and I don’t want you to hate me or our baby. I’m not going to force you to be something you don’t want or can’t.”
“I’m stuck here for another few months. But when I come home, I want you there.”
“I’m going to Montana.”
“Do you want to come here?”
“You’re working fourteen-hour days, what am I going to do?”
“Then stay in the house. Nina will help you.”
“I’d rather be in Montana.”
“Is there anything I can do?” he says.
“I wasn’t trying to get pregnant.”
“I don’t think that, Anna.”
“But I’m not upset about it.”
“Good. So, you tell me what you need me to do next and I’ll do it.”
“I will. Thank you. Goodbye.”
I hang up.
I cover my mouth. The tears come faster than I expected.
I exhale.
I call Delia.
"I'm pregnant."
"Oh shit."
"I'm going home to Montana."
"Okay."
"I just told Luke, and he doesn't want to be a father."
"Shit, I'm sorry. Why don't you stay in LA. There are pregnant people in this town."
"No, I want to be with my mom."
The line goes quiet for a long time.
"Well, you can still do auditions from Montana. Just come back when you book something."
"I need a break. I can't think about all that right now."
"Are you sure?"
"No."
"I'm sorry."
"Shut up. Go to Montana. Be with normal people. You'll be okay. I'll tell Steven, I won't tell him why. Call me, okay?"
"I will. Thanks."
I pack everything. My clothes, my books, my scripts. The duffel bag from the closet with the seventy-five thousand dollars still inside and the pregnancy tests.
I leave his robe on the hook in the bathroom.
I stand in my room — his guest room, the one with the lock on the door that I stopped using — and look at it for a moment. The floor-to-ceiling windows. The city below.
I turn off the light.
Nina is in the kitchen when I bring my bags downstairs.
She looks at them. Looks at me.
"I'm leaving."
She nods.
"I'm pregnant."
She looks somewhat surprised.
"I told Luke. I'm going to Montana."
"What did he say?"
“He said the right things but…”
"Oh shit, really? He's such a jerk."
"It's not what he wants, that's all. He's a good guy. He just doesn't know it."
We hug.
Not the quick hug you give someone on the way out the door. The real kind. Both arms, holding on, my face against her shoulder.
She goes still for a second. Then her arms come around me.
We stand there in the kitchen for a moment longer than either of us planned.
She pulls back and looks at me.
"It doesn't look like you're planning on coming back."
I burst into tears.
Both hands over my face, shoulders shaking, completely falling apart in Nina's kitchen at eight in the morning.
She doesn't say anything. She just puts her hand on the back of my head and lets me.
"You'll be fine," she says.
When it passes, I wipe my face with my sleeve.
I pick up my bags.
Zeke is in the living room. He knows something is wrong the way dogs always know. Especially when he sees suitcases.
He's been following me from room to room all morning, closer than usual, his tail lower than usual.
I sit down on the floor with him.
He comes immediately. Puts his whole body against me, his head in my lap, heavy and warm and completely certain I need him there.
I put both arms around him.
"You're not coming," I tell him. "You have to take care of Nina."
He doesn't move.
I take him for one last walk in the hills.
We walk past the beautiful house. Down toward the city through the smog. He trots ahead of me like he always does, checking back every few steps to make sure I'm still there.
I'm still here, I tell him without saying it.
Just not for much longer.
Nina helps me put my bags in the trunk.
I stand there for a moment and look at the house. The black steel and glass built into the hillside. The infinity pool catching the morning light. The city below going about its business like always, enormous and indifferent and blazing.
Six months ago I drove up these roads for catering gigs.
I get in the car.
I back out of the driveway.
I take the long way down through the hills, the road curving through the dark the way it did the first night Luke brought me here, the city dropping away on both sides.
At the bottom of the canyon I turn east.
Montana is a long drive.
I've done it before.
I put on the radio.
I drive.
The Hollywood sign passes by.
I don't look at it.