Chapter 36
SIENNA
After spending a few more days with my parents, I finally decided to go back home to my own apartment. Talking with them lifted my spirits but also gave me a lot to think about. I didn’t want them to give me any other ideas if I stayed for too long.
The conversation gave me a lot to think about, and I’m not sure which part freaked me out more. The concept that my plan has officially fallen apart, or the much more terrifying concept that I’ve fallen for Theo without realizing it.
I’ve scaled back on job applications for now. Between the money I have saved up and my parents' offer to cover my share of the rent if needed, I’m able to take a much-needed break. This will give me a chance to look for jobs that actually interest me. Not just places I think would hire me.
I hate that my dad was right about burnout, but I appreciate him being there for me when it happened.
I’ve needed a reset, and with this reset, I’m learning to be comfortable with the unknown.
This new non-plan might set me back a bit in experience, but finding a job I’m passionate about will be much more rewarding.
I think back to Theo’s words on the hike. He was right, I don’t want to settle. That was the point of my plan from the beginning. Things might be messier without a carefully constructed plan, but I need to do what will actually make me happy.
You were happy with Theo.
I curse my brain for the thought that floats through my mind.
Currently unemployed and scaling back on my job search, I usually spend my days doing nothing, trying to find what brings true happiness in my life.
Although after two days of doing nothing, I felt too pent-up.
No one said learning to be comfortable with the unknown would be easy.
Eventually, I went to Beth for some help.
With her bookstore search, she had plenty to keep her busy, and I asked to tag along. If not to help, then something to take my mind off my unproductive days. Something to take my mind off Theo, who I’m still not sure whether or not I love.
Beth and I have spent the last week searching for the perfect place to open her bookstore.
She seems to enjoy having me part of the process, claiming that I have an unmatched eye for design and that I’ll find her the perfect place.
I think she’s just happy I have a reason to put on something other than yoga pants.
Either way, this plan is working. Helping her design her bookstore and find the perfect place to host it is bringing back the creative spark I hadn’t realized I'd lost.
The one thing this plan hasn’t helped with is taking my mind off Theo. I’m still struggling with my parents' words about not being able to plan for love. Sometimes, I don’t think they realize that the type of love they found with each other is one in a million.
Then again, it doesn’t matter what I do.
I can’t get Theo off my mind. I wake up thinking I’ll find him in bed next to me, my heart sinking when I find my bed cold and empty.
The trees outside remind me of his emerald-green eyes.
The smell of grass brings me back to our night together under the stars.
Any cheeseburger I see reminds me of the fun I had with the brothers, watching Alex and Leo fight over the best way to cook a burger patty.
I don’t just miss Theo, I miss the feeling of being part of a larger family.
As if that’s not bad enough, I still haven’t been able to bring myself to unpack my suitcase. It’s only been a few weeks since I left the lake house. I’m still in the throes of summer, and reality just hasn’t hit yet. That’s all this is. That’s all it can be.
Theo himself agreed with me that what we had was all in good fun. He agreed that it was all a mistake. He let me go.
“You ready to go?” Beth stands in the doorway of my bedroom, bag in hand. We have another full day of real estate hunting, and I’m grateful for the reprieve from my room as I started to feel the walls closing in on me.
Grabbing my bag, I head out the door with Beth, excited to spend another day helping my friend. Besides, even if I did love Theo, and I’m not saying I do, but even if I did, he made it clear that he certainly does not love me back.