Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
Mona
This week has been insane. I worked a lot of hours, and I thought of Alex for most of the time. In a sense, you could say that I got paid to daydream about a life with Alex that I could never have.
By the time two o’clock rolled around, I was ready to bust out of there, wishing like hell that I never asked for more hours.
Now, as I sit in my tiny apartment, relaxed on the couch, I look around, wondering if I should downsize. I have a feeling that rent is about to go up again when my lease is up, and after how much it was raised six months ago, I am struggling.
I guess I could move into a studio apartment, I muse. But I hate moving, and if I do move, I might as well get out of the city.
But then you wouldn’t be able to see Alex anymore, a small voice makes itself known in my head.
I let out a frustrated puff of air. No matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about him. Picking up my cell phone, I look up his name, then scroll to the Block button. My finger hesitates over it, wondering if I should slide it to Unblock.
“Ugh!” I throw the phone away before I do something stupid.
I stand up and walk over to the kitchen where I proceed to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This seems to be my go-to for a meal lately. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m sick of it, but food is expensive, and I also need a roof over my head.
Alex would freak out on me if he realized my financial situation. He wouldn’t be so eager to darken my doorstep as much as he has been, especially lately.
That reminds me that he invited me to his friends’ party tonight. I haven’t decided yet if I want to go. He said he’d wait for me downstairs, and that he’d stay past the time he initially told me. I should hide in the building across the street so I can watch him and see if he does just that.
I almost choke on my sandwich when the phone starts ringing.
“I could’ve died,” I cough out in greeting when I answer.
“Because you’re missing me?” Elizabeth, my best friend, who is never around when I need her, retorts.
“You wish,” I mumble as I try to chew. “The phone startled me just as I was taking a bite of food.”
“Oh no!” She sounds sincerely concerned now. “Do you want me to let you go?”
“No!” Maybe I said that a bit too loud, almost like I yelled at her. “I am surprised you called, though,” I admit. “Everything okay in hockey land?” I tease.
She lets out a happy sigh. “So good. Sometimes I worry that I’m dreaming.”
I take another bite out of my sandwich, waiting for Elizabeth to say more. She hardly ever calls just to chat, so I will take advantage and use her as a distraction so I don’t think about Alex.
“How are things with you?” she asks. “Are you back with Alex yet?”
And now I am choking again. Dropping the sandwich on the napkin I brought with me, I rush back to the kitchen to grab some water. When I take a drink, it goes down the wrong pipe, and I wonder if this is how I will die.
“Are you okay?” I hear Elizabeth asking from somewhere in the distance.
I cough and clear my throat a few more times, but now the back of my throat feels scratchy and uncomfortable. Somehow, I manage to form words.
“I’m fine,” I call out to Elizabeth. My hand shakes when I bring the glass of water back to my lips. I only wet my tongue a little before putting it back down and touching my chest where my heart races like I just ran up the stairs.
“Are you still alive?”
I jump and yelp in surprise when I hear my friend’s voice over the phone. I almost forgot that we were talking when this episode of sorts hit me.
“I’m alive.” I roll my eyes and try to sound as normal as possible while being a mess on the inside.
“Great!” She sounds way to cheery. “Now tell me about Alex.”
My mouth goes dry again, so I rush to grab the glass of water I abandoned on the kitchen. “There’s nothing to tell.”
I don’t sound convincing even to my own ears, and apparently Elizabeth thinks the same.
“Oh, come on! I know you said you were done with him, but I just can’t believe that it’s over.”
I let out a long sigh. “It’s not over,” I admit. “But it’s not going anywhere either.”
“Is it strictly sex this time?” she teases.
Tears gather in the corners of my eyes. It’s a natural reaction not just to my relationship with Alex, but my entire life. It’s all a mess. I can see myself getting older and not wiser, just waiting for my knight in shining armor who will forever have Alex Connors’ face.
“It’s always been strictly sex.” My voice is low and sad, a perfect representation of me.
“Not on your end,” Elizabeth argues. “I always hated him on your behalf because I never understood how he couldn’t see it.”
I shrug in answer, whishing she could be here with me.
“Tell me what’s going on, babe,” she invites. “Get it off your chest. You’ll feel better.”
I don’t believe that at all, but I decide that sharing with my friend the sad state of my life can’t hurt either.
“He’s come back again,” I start. “Brought dinner this time. We…” I swallow hard. “We had a good time together. He asked me if he could call me, and…”
I pause as I chew on my bottom lip.
“And…?” Elizabeth eggs me on.
“I told him he was still blocked.”
Elizabeth doesn’t say anything for the longest time. It’s like she needs some time to process what I just told her before she can give me an honest review.
“Have you heard back from the guy on the fake dating site? The one who stood you up,” she adds.
Ugh. Julian Lewis. I still think it’s all his fault that I ended up inviting Alex into my bed again.
“He sent me a message, but I haven’t responded. I’m done with him.”
“So you’re going alone to the Christmas party?”
I drop my head in my hands before regrouping.
I pick up the phone and log into my Holidates account.
I’ve been messaging back and forth with Jonathan Bennett from Boston.
He actually sounds like a great guy. I like that he is very matter of fact when he communicates.
There’s no beating around the bush with him.
“I’m not going alone,” I tell my friend. “I have a date.”
Elizabeth lets out a little giggle. “Alex?”
I roll my eyes at how sure she sounds. I guess I don’t blame her. I have been predictable to say the least. Besides, I was maybe a little too honest with her when she had her own relationship crisis.
In my case, though, there’s no relationship crisis because there’s no relationship.
“I’ve been talking to someone else on the fake dating site.” The words taste bitter in my mouth. “He seems nice,” I continue. “And he’ll pay for me to travel to Boston, so there’s that. I could use a vacation.” I chuckle nervously for absolutely no reason at all.
“Why are you going, Mo?” Her tone is thoughtful. “You don’t need to put yourself through this just to one-up Alex.”
I wave off her words. “It’ll be good for my mental health.”
“Well…” She pauses. “That should help with taking your mind off him, right? Besides, what if you really hit it off with this new guy? Maybe he is serious boyfriend material.”
Instant pressure tightens my chest. I don’t want a serious boyfriend, at least not one who’s not Alex. Boy, do I have it bad, or what?
“Anyway, let’s change topics,” Elizabeth suggests. “What are you doing this weekend? Any plans for tonight?”
I let out a soft groan. “I got invited to a friends get together.”
“Oh, how exciting!” I can picture her clapping her hands together, which is something she always does when she excited. “Which friends? I should know them.”
“Uh, not these friends.”
I brace myself for her asking me for details.
“You made new friends?” She now sounds a bit jealous. “You better not ever ditch me for them.”
“Like you ditched me for your man out in Texas?” I deadpan.
“Hey, not fair,” she giggles. “Besides, we were never just friends. But nice try deflecting.”
I decide to play dumb. “What are you talking about?”
“Who are the new friends, Mona?”
I roll my eyes again, wishing she could see me doing it. “They’re not my friends. They’re friends of the person who invited me to this get together.”
“Oh.” She mulls things over for a minute. “So who’s the friend who invited you to hang out with their friends? Someone from work?”
I’ve never been secretive about anything in my life. I have no idea why I am beating around the bush with my best friend of all people.
“It’s Alex. But it doesn’t mean anything,” I rush to say. “He is still blocked on my phone, and we haven’t had any contact at all other than…”
I stop talking when I realize what I am about to say. Unfortunately, Elizabeth catches on way too quickly.
“So you just have sex every time he shows up at your door, but other than that, no contact at all?”
“Pretty much.”
I understand how stupid it all sounds, but it makes sense for us. Besides, not like he would want me for anything else anyway. I expect that at some point, he just won’t show up anymore. And that will be the worst day of my life.
“So you’re going to hang out with him and his friends tonight?”
I swallow around the lump in my throat. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“Okay…” She sounds confused now. “If you have him blocked and there’s no communication other than when he drives to your place, how are you going to tell him if you’re going or not?”
It’s a fair question, one that I don’t have an answer to.
“He said he’d wait for me downstairs. If I show up by a certain time, good. If not, he’ll just go without me.”
Elizabeth sighs wistfully into the phone. “That’s kind of romantic.”
“How so?” I frown.
“It’s like an old eighties rom-com, or something,” she says. “You know, like from before there were cell phones, and you had to call a landline.” She starts laughing. “I don’t even know anyone with a landline. I don’t think they exist anymore. I don’t even know how to use a landline.”
She gets off topic and continues talking about old movies and imaginary love stories, with scenarios that I can’t picture in real life.
“Oh, Logan’s calling me on the other line. Let me call you back!”
I don’t say much to that because it’ll probably take five to seven business days for her to call me back.
Once we hang up, I lean back against the sofa, wondering what I should do about tonight.
I gave it some thought since he was here last, but I didn’t come up with any solution.
Part of me wants to go, but only so that I can hang out with Alex.
On the flip side, I don’t want to spend time with his friends.
I don’t care how nice they seem to be. I was not built to trust people, and I don’t trust these people, at least not to have my back.
I grab my phone and look up Alex’s number. Just like before, my thumb hovers over the Unblock button. It would be so much easier if we could communicate, but that would also give him the opportunity to hurt me more. I’d be upset if he didn’t call or text me all the time, not that he ever did that.
A notification from the Holidates app distracts me for a moment, and I tap on it. It automatically takes me to the app inbox where I see a new message from Jonathan.
Mona,
With time being of the essence, I took the liberty of booking myself a room for the night of the Christmas party to which I will accompany you. I would also like to confirm the venue along with any details that you find pertinent.
Sincerely,
Jonathan
The message is short and to the point. It also seals my fate for the party. I will show up there with this man who I haven’t even met in person. And all that for what? Just to make Alex jealous?
Well, that’s part of it, but not the whole story. I want him to know that I am over him, that I don’t sit around just thinking about him, and that I have moved on with my life.
I realize with a start that all the things I want Alex to believe that I am not doing, I am currently in the middle of doing. I am not over him, I do sit around thinking about him, a lot, and I have most definitely not moved on with my life.
This brings me back to wondering whether I should go with him to this party tonight. I’d be sending the wrong message. Then he’ll continue showing up here whenever he felt like, always assuming that I am available and waiting for him.
A pounding headache comes out of nowhere, and I feel like I need to lie down.
I pull on the blanket that’s draped over the back of the sofa and pull it over me just as my head rests on the small decorative pillow I have there.
I need to close my eyes and relax my mind to prevent myself from making any stupid decisions.
With that said, all I see behind my eyelids is Alex. In my tired head, he looks happy and smiles a lot, acting like he wants me by his side.
It is the complete opposite of everything I know about this man.
But there’s always the gnawing thought that maybe there’s more to him than what he shared with me before, which was not much to begin with.
In fact, he never told me anything about his parents until this last time he was here.
It didn’t sound like a good situation, and he obviously carried some trauma from his mother trapping his father with a baby.
The way I picture his life is him sitting in a golden cage, protected from the outside world, taught that he can’t ever trust a woman. It would definitely explain why he’s never been able to commit to me despite obviously wanting me.
With all that said, I don’t think it’s a good idea to allow him to pull me more into his group. In fact, I need to stay far away from all of them, and especially him. Life is short. I need to move on.