Chapter 33 #2
“It’s about you and me, Lo,” he whispers, a small smile on his lips. “The deal, the stuff with Lexi…I forgive you for all that. It hurt to hear the reason why you lied, but if I try to be objective, I can see why you did. You had no reason to trust that I could keep it a secret in the beginning.”
“I still could’ve told you at another point, though. When—”
“No, seriously. It’s okay,” he cuts in before shrugging. “There’s no point in talking ourselves in circles over it, you know? I’m ready to just…put it in the past.”
I nod a few times as I step forward, unable to stop myself from reaching up until my hand curls around the side of his neck.
Fear and hope war within me as I stare into his eyes, and more than anything, I’m praying like hell what I’m about to propose will go the way I want it to—the way I fucking need it to.
“So then let’s start over. No more faking it, no more half-truths. Just you and me being stupidly in love and happy.”
Cam’s gaze softens, falling somewhere between sad and pained, when he murmurs, “I want that. I do. But what would that even look like? I mean, after this weekend, we’re going back to our separate lives.”
“Separate lives, but they’re still in the same city.”
“For now, maybe. But you only have one more year at Leighton and then what? You end up getting a job somewhere else—somewhere I can’t go?
” His tongue pokes at his cheek while he glances out to the water for a brief moment.
“We may have used long distance as the bullshit excuse with anyone in the press, but it’s still a real issue.
You saw what happened with Lexi and Wyatt. ”
“But they’re not us, Cam.” My palm leaves his neck as I gesture vaguely around us.
“And honestly, I don’t even know what this ‘job’ you’re talking about would be.
Not really. And at this point, I’m starting to think maybe my dad was right.
Maybe I’ve made a massive mistake with this degree, wasting all this time on art with zero prospects for a career. ”
“You know that’s not true,” he whispers, and I immediately shake my head.
“Except I don’t,” I admit, despite how fucking embarrassing it is.
“Baby, I still have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going.
I have no fucking clue if I’ve been following this path for all the wrong reasons or if it’s actually one that will lead me to finding what I really want.
And, yeah, it’s fucking terrifying, having no idea what the future holds, but I do know I want you in mine.
That’s the only thing I’m certain of anymore. ”
“I want that too. I swear, I do. I just…”
His brows furrow, and he looks away, keeping his attention trained on the lake in the distance.
I can see the war he’s battling inside him, same as last night.
Only this time, he’s not leaning on me to help him through it; he’s pulling away.
And the longer he won’t look at me, the more I can feel him slowly slip from my grasp, and that’s before he says the words that nearly cut my heart out of my chest.
“How are we supposed to not constantly wait for the other shoe to drop? My career is hard enough on families who are together all the time. You know firsthand. The possibility of adding distance is just…too much.”
“Then we figure it out, right? Airplanes exist. So do long weekends and holiday breaks. And in the meantime, there’s FaceTime calls.” Gingerly, I cup his cheek and turn his head, forcing him to face me. “We can make that work. I mean, you do love the sound of my voice, right?”
A pained grimace pulls his features taut while he nods. “I love that and so much more about you, Lo. Fuck, I love everything about you, but it doesn’t remove the possibility that we’re trying to force this thing to work when maybe it’s not meant to.”
The words might as well be a slap in the face with the way they force me to take a step back. Away from him, away from the negativity laced in his statement.
No, not a statement. The fucking lie.
“You can’t possibly believe that,” I mutter, but he just shakes his head.
“I don’t want to believe it, but I can’t help wondering if we’re just kidding ourselves here, thinking this can work.”
I’m not sure if I’m more angry or worried he’d stoop to this level to convince me; saying we aren’t supposed to be together. Because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do. Or maybe it’s him trying to convince himself.
“You and I both know this is it, Cam. It may have started out fake, but this thing between us is real, and it’s worth fighting for, worth going to any fucking lengths to keep.
” I shake my head, a little scoff coming out.
“The real question isn’t if we’re meant to be; it’s why you’re trying to make excuses for why we aren’t. ”
“They aren’t excuses, they’re factors in making a choice.
They’re reasons plenty of other people would call it quits and walk away, and they aren’t even our biggest one.
” His fingers slide through his hair before he tosses a helpless hand up between us.
“You said it yourself. I represent everything you’ve spent your life hating.
My career, my friendships, my entire world is all tied up in a legacy you want nothing to do with.
Something you’ve worked tirelessly to distance yourself from, and being with me would only bring you right back into it. ”
“But it’d be my choice to do that, Cam. And I would—”
“I know you would, Lo. But it would be at the cost of you getting to figure out who you are outside of me and your family and hockey and all the shit you’ve been trying to escape.”
His voice cracks on the last few words, but it’s the pain etched in his eyes as tears well along the waterline—the agonizing torment as he looks at me—that nearly does me in.
“You may not see it right now, but you have such a bright future waiting just around the corner. You just have to believe in yourself the way I do. You have to trust in your talent enough to let the world see it. And the thought of you not chasing this dream you’re so reluctant to admit is what you want…
just to be with me?” He pauses, swallowing hard as he shakes his head.
“As loved as I feel by knowing you’d make that kind of sacrifice, I’d just be waiting for you to resent me one day. ”
“The only thing I’m going to resent is you not letting me fight for you. For us,” I implore, feeling a sharp pain at the back of my throat. “Baby, why won’t you let me?”
“Because we have too many things stacked against us. The odds aren’t—”
“Fuck the odds!” I shout, gesturing wildly in his direction. “Isn’t that what you’ve been saying since the beginning? With you and going pro? With me and my art? Why doesn’t it apply to us too?”
Why are you just giving up?
“Because your future, your happiness? That’s not something I’m willing to sacrifice.
” Something in my expression must give away my bewilderment at his statement, because he laughs humorlessly while shaking his head.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said your speech hit home.
I heard and felt it all, loud and clear.
And I won’t let you pick me over everything you’ve ever wanted, even if you don’t know what that is yet. ”
The muscle in my jaw tics, hating the conviction in his voice—the finality in it. Like he’s already made the decision, and there’s no changing his mind.
“But I love you,” I whisper, wishing those three words would be enough.
From the agonized grimace on Cam’s face, it’s clear he does too.
“And I love you, Lo. I love you so fucking much, every time I breathe, it hurts. It doesn’t matter if I’m home, on the ice, at the fucking grocery store, picking up ingredients to make pesto chicken that’s never as good as yours.
I can feel the spot on my chest where your head is supposed to be every morning, only to find the other side of my bed cold and empty.
And it’s fucking miserable, living without you.
” He shakes his head, and the movement finally has those tears spilling over and streaming down his face.
“But I love you enough to endure all of it, knowing you’re out there finding what makes you happy. ”
I wish I could say his words—the clear depth of his love—heal something inside me, but they don’t.
If anything, they only serve to shatter me more, crushing those fragments of my heart into finely ground powder.
I lean back against the granite post, using it for support, and the solid stone is the only reason my body doesn’t collapse under the weight of this decision.
“I’m not going to change your mind, am I?”
His teeth sink into his lip before his gaze falls to the ground. “I hope you know this is the furthest thing from what I want.”
So, that’s a no.
Tears begin to well up as I work to swallow, but rather than letting them fall, I close my eyes and hope the cool evening breeze whipping around us will act as a soothing balm to my aching heart.
“Can you at least tell me if this is forever or…is there a chance down the road?”
“I don’t know.”
My eyes open when I feel his fingers brush over my cheek. The gentleness in his touch causes me to lose the battle against my tears, but when they spill over, they barely make it down my cheek before Cam wipes them away.
His lips pull back in a grimace, and he shakes his head. “I hope there will be a right time for us one day. But for now, I think this is how it has to be.”
Staring into his eyes, seeing the pain so clearly mirrored in my own, it takes every ounce of my willpower not to beg and plead for him to wait. But I know I can’t ask that of him; it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I did.
“We can try…” He trails off, not even able to finish the sentence.
It’s probably for the best, though. I have a good feeling I know what he was about to say, and it wouldn’t work. There’s no reality where I could ever be just his friend after knowing what it’s like to be loved by him.
My gaze shifts back to the city lights reflecting out on the dark, expansive lake, feeling every bit as lost and frustrated as I did finding his bedroom empty over a year ago.
“I guess that’s all there is to say, then,” I say, unable to keep the despair from cracking my voice.
Cam’s palm finds the side of my face and forces me to meet his red-rimmed eyes head-on. And if my heart weren’t already a pulverized mess at his feet, seeing him like this surely would’ve done the job.
“I have no right to ask for this, but I need you to promise you won’t give up on yourself, okay?
Because your talent is something people should see; it would be such a waste if they didn’t.
” His gaze flashes toward the glass doors leading inside before he adds, “And he may be Travis Reed, but fuck your dad, all right? Make your own legacy, Lo. Something you can look at and be proud of. Something that’s just yours. ”
My jaw tenses, and I nod before whispering a grated, “I promise.”
“Good. I’m gonna hold you to that.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him how he’ll manage to do that when we can’t be together or even be friends—or when I don’t even have his damn phone number anymore. But instead, I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face against the side of his throat…and just fucking hold him.
We stay like that for I don’t know how long.
It’s fucking agony to know I’ll have to live without this, which is why I do my best to memorize everything about this moment—his touch, his smell, his warmth.
And it’s why I make a silent promise to myself in addition to his.
To make it back to this, come hell or high water.
If there’s even an ounce of hope left, then that’s what I’ll cling to until he’s mine again. For fucking good, this time.
Far sooner than I’d like, Cam pulls away and cups my jaw the same way he did last night, like I’m a delicate piece of glass in his palm, and he knows, with one wrong move, I’ll shatter.
Little does he realize, it’s too fucking late.
“I’m not gonna say it again. I think it’d be cruel to us both if I did,” he whispers roughly. “But just know I feel it, Lo. Then. Now. Always.”
I nod, unable to stop tears from streaming down my face as I kiss him for what might be the last time. And when it’s over, all too quickly, I do the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I turn and walk away.