Chapter 19
chapter nineteen
Luke
Istudy Talia’s text message in contemplation.
I don’t really know why she texted me the evening before, but I know Mia reacted physically and emotionally to the message.
A part of me hoped it meant Mia was developing feelings for me that went beyond friendship, but the other part of me was worried she was just upset because she felt I was holding things back from her.
I still have no clue what Talia is up to or if she was hoping to cause drama between Mia and me.
I remember the comments she’d made that night, calling Mia naive and gullible.
It had been one of the reasons I’d been turned off from making out with Talia.
No one talked about my best friend like shit.
Especially when I so desperately wanted the friendship to be more than innocent.
Mia and I are skirting the line of friendship and something resembling love, and I know I am falling for her in a way that can’t be undone, but I also know I am so scared of losing her friendship—it would kill me inside to express feelings for her, have them not be returned, and then be rejected.
I know our friendship couldn’t handle that.
And yet, I don’t know how much longer I can hold back.
I think a part of the reason I’ve been gone from Coconut Beach for so long is that I knew that as soon as I was in close contact with her, it would be like detonating a bomb.
I wouldn’t be able to resist her. The way she smiled at me, the way she played with her hair, the way she giggled and teased me, the easy way she came in for hugs, the way her nostrils flared when she was mad, the way her feet tapped when she was bored, the secret half-smiles she gave me when she wanted to say something rude but had decided to be polite.
Mia has always been the only woman who has seen every side of me, and I wasn’t even sure she knew that.
She’s so open, so trusting, so giving, and she’s my one, whether or not she feels the same way.
Mia held a lock on my heart that no key could open.
But she didn’t even know.
Now everything is starting to unravel because I’m no longer able to keep my feelings to myself.
But I knew as soon as I stepped off that plane and back onto Coconut Beach that I was finally home and ready to claim the woman who made everything feel better in my life. I just hadn’t expected that she’d be so open to exploration.
“What are you looking at?” Mia asks as she walks into the hotel room with a bag of fruit in her hand. There’s a quizzical look in her eyes like she wants to ask me something else. Like she knows I’ve been holding back from her. I wait for her to ask me to declare my true feelings and intentions.
I want her to ask.
I need her to ask.
“Oh, just a message from work,” I say and put my phone away. “Nearly ready for breakfast?” I ask her. I’m not going to force something that she’s not ready for.
“Yeah. I just went down to the market to get some fruit as I was craving clementines and I needed to help Juniper open up this morning,” she says, avoiding eye contact with me.
“I also got my camera so I can take photographs of the breakfast. Andi asked me if I would mind being the unofficial photographer.” Her lips twist up in irony.
“I hope they’re going to pay you,” I say. Though I know Mia. She hates charging friends and family for anything, and I bet she didn’t even bring it up.
“I didn’t ask for payment, Luke.” I gloat inside. I know my Mia so well.
“Well, you should. I don’t want them taking advantage of you.”
“It’s fine. I’m always taking photos. I love taking photos, and I don’t mind doing it.”
“I know you don’t mind doing it, but …” I pause. “You know what? I’m sure they’ll be very grateful.”
“Yeah, I hope so.”
There’s an awkwardness between us I haven’t ever felt, and I wonder if this is it for us. I wonder if playing fake boyfriend and girlfriend for just a matter of days has caused a rift in our friendship that will never heal.
“That text message and your reaction last night scares me, Mia.” I wish I had the words to explain to her that the feelings I have for her make it difficult for me to breath sometimes.
I wish I could grab her hand, have her close her eyes, and reach into my soul.
There’s a storm raging inside of me, and my heart is in the eye of it, scared, vulnerable, and weary.
“Yeah?” She twirls her fingers in her hair—a telltale sign that she’s anxious or nervous about something.
“I just want you to know that I really don’t know why Talia sent me that text message.”
She shrugs nonchalantly. “Doesn’t matter. I’m sure she sent it to you because she wants to get with you, and I think it’s extremely disrespectful, seeing that she thinks we’re in a relationship, but she can do whatever she wants to do if she thinks that’s okay. That’s her problem.”
“Yeah. Well, I just want you to know it’s not something I led her to believe was in the cards.”
“You’ve dated in New York, right?”
“Yeah. Nothing serious. I didn’t care about those women, and I don’t care about Talia.”
“Talia’s a bitch, and you can do much better than her, but if that’s the sort of woman you want to go for, then you go ahead.” She shrugs, and I wonder if she really doesn’t care. I wonder if this has been nothing but a bit of fun for her.
“Really, Mia? That’s where we’re going to leave this?”
“What?”
We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity.
No smiles. No eyebrow waggles. No teasing smirks.
Just searching eyes gazing at each other in contemplation.
I wish I could really read her mind. I wish I knew what she was thinking.
I wish that I knew the answers. But the silence between us is like an impenetrable wall that neither of us can scale.
I want to step forward. I want to be brave. I want to tell her what’s in my soul. But I’m scared I would be too much. That she won’t understand my feelings. And then what? Where would that leave us? The silence is better than answers I don’t want to hear.
“Nothing. You know what? If you don’t want to talk about it, I don’t need to talk about it. Let’s go down for breakfast.”
“I told you, I’ll be ready in a couple of minutes,” she says, her tone sharp.
“Let me put the fruit down on the table and get it out of the plastic bag, and then we can go down for breakfast. Or why don’t you just go by yourself, and I’ll meet you down there?
I have to take photos anyway, and that will just make it easier, so you don’t have to wait around for me. ”
“Hey, there’s no need to get an attitude.” I don’t bother arguing with her about what information she had and hadn’t given me. I didn’t want to rile her up even more.
“I don’t have an attitude, Luke.” She huffs. “Okay, maybe I have a bit of an attitude, but I just don’t want you waiting around for me. Everyone knows I’m taking photographs this morning anyway, so they will not expect to see us together.”
“Do you want to try to find the clue later this afternoon so we can continue the treasure hunt?”
“Yeah, we can do that.” She turns around and pulls out mangoes, pineapples, oranges, lemons, and apples from the bag, placing them on the table.
“Well, you really had a fruit kick,” I say, picking up an orange.
“I guess so.” She runs her fingers through her hair. Her eyes look sad for a few moments, and then she gazes at the table and starts laughing. “This cost me forty-five dollars.”
“Wowser,” I say, laughing. “We’re not even here that long.”
“I know. So, I guess we have to eat a lot of fruit, or we have to have a party in the hotel room.”
“Is that your way of telling me you want to have an orgy?” I hope my teasing will soften the mood. Jokes have always been a way for us to move on from awkwardness. Most probably not the healthiest way for us to deal with shit, but it works for us. At least it has in the past.
“No. That’s not my way of telling you I want to have an orgy.” Her tone is still quite sharp, but she’s smiling now, and I can tell that she’s coming around.
She can never stay mad at me for long, and that’s one reason why I love her. Even when she’s angry at me, she gets over it pretty quickly.
“Mia, I think when all this is said and done, we should think about making plans to do something fun together that’s got nothing to do with the wedding.” I bring up the subject lightly, so that it doesn’t sound like our entire relationship weighs on her answer.
“Okay, sure,” she says. “If that’s what you want to do.” Her words are easy, and that’s all I need to feel relaxed. We have a lot of shit to talk out, but right now we’re okay.
“I do. I am going to head downstairs,” I say, and I pause as a clause in one of the work contracts comes to mind. I need to have the attorneys check out a statute, and I know that it will be on my mind until I email them.
“What is it?” she says. “Shoot. Tell me what you’re thinking.” She crosses her arms and gives me a knowing look. She knows me far too well.
“I have to make a quick call.” The words trip out of my mouth of their own volition.
There is a subtle disappointment in her eyes, and I don’t know why she looks upset. Does she think I’m going to call Talia or some other woman?
“It’s not like I’m going to be long, Mia. It’s just a quick call about work.” I wait for the understanding to hit her eyes, but she still looks pissed.