Chapter 20 #2
My heart races at his words because, as I look into his eyes, I realize there is no one in my life even close to Luke, in any way, shape, or form, and I love that.
I love him in ways that are deeper than our friendship.
I love him in ways that are deeper than my own understanding of what it is to love.
I love him because he is simply him. I love him because that’s what’s in my heart and my soul.
To know him is to love him, and I realize that this feeling of adoration and calm has always existed in me when it came to him.
I want him. I want him to stay, and I want to beg him not to leave.
I want him to tell me he doesn’t want to leave, but I’m scared to ask him for answers because I don’t know if he can ever choose me, because I know he is still fighting that battle with Rex—and perhaps will for the rest of his life.
Perhaps his job will always mean everything to him.
I know I mean a lot to him, but I still don’t come first. I still am not enough, and I don’t want to not be enough.
I don’t want to ask him and find myself secondary to a subconscious battle that he is not completely aware that he carries.
“I want to tell you, Luke, that I know in your mind’s eye, Rex has always been the golden son, the one that everyone looks at, but you’ve always been that to me.”
“I know,” he says, smiling at me and brushing my hair with his fingers.
“You’ve always made me feel good about myself, Mia.
You’ve always made me feel like I was enough.
You’ve always made me feel like I was more than enough, and I love how honest and open you are.
And I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you it was me in the bear suit, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you that I went skinny-dipping with Talia, and I’m just so sorry about all of it—that I got you embroiled in this crazy plan and we’re lying to our friends and family members, and I just wanted us to be the winners for once.
I didn’t want to be the loser in Rex’s story anymore. ”
“You’re not,” I say. I sit on his lap, and I hold him close to me. “You are so much more than the loser in Rex’s story.”
I can feel his hardness between my legs, and I rub back and forth gently at first, then with more pressure.
He pushes me to the side, then he reaches up, unbuttons my shorts, and his fingers slip inside my panties, pulling them down.
I reach down, and I unzip him. He looks up at me with a question in his eyes, and I grin at him as I pull his shorts down.
His briefs are the only thing between us. The feeling of desire is overwhelming and heady. I have not known a man in this way before. Not so wantonly. Not so heavenly. Not so delightfully. I have never wanted a moment to last forever with anyone else. Only him.
“What are you doing?” he asks breathlessly as he reaches up and cups my breasts with his hands.
He squeezes my nipples, and I close my eyes as I arch my back and continue to grind on him.
“Mia,” he says.
“I’m just pretending that I’m a stripper.” I laugh. “You can pretend this is your bachelor party, and I’m the entertainment.”
“Fuck,” he says. “You do not want me to pretend that you’re a stripper.”
“Why?” I ask, giggling.
“Because that’s a fantasy I’ve always had,” he says.
He slips his fingers between my legs, and I reach my hand down and grab his cock, loving the feel of its hardness.
I rub back and forth with it between my folds; his head gliding against my clit.
I’m growing wetter and wetter, and all I have to do is grab ahold of him and slide down, and I could be riding him and fucking him. But then he stops.
“Are you doing this because you don’t want to get fake engaged to me?” he asks.
“What?”
“I just want to make sure this isn’t some sort of pity lap dance because you feel bad about how Rex has made me feel and—”
“Of course not. Really, Luke? How could you think that?”
I feel like every time I try to show him how I really feel, what I really want, he misunderstands me.
Does he still only see me as a friend? Maybe a friend with benefits? Maybe I’m not good enough for him. Maybe he doesn’t see me in his world as more than his best friend. Maybe he’s moved on from ever thinking of us as more, and maybe that’s the lesson I have to learn.
I slide off him, roll over onto the side, and get off the bed.
“Wait, what did I say?”
“Nothing. It was just a bad idea,” I say quickly.
“No, but—” There’s dismay in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that I thought you wanted to be with Rex or anything. I hope you didn’t misunderstand me.”
I let out a deep sigh. “I know you don’t think I want to be with Rex, but the fact of the matter is, you thought I was doing things to you because of you feeling bad about Rex. What sort of woman do you think I am, Luke?”
“I didn’t …” He pauses. “Fuck. I’m just fucking this up.” He clenches his fist, and his face contorts as his chest heaves. I’ve never seen this side of him before.
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “Maybe we’ve both fucked it up. Maybe this was just all a terrible idea. I’m just going to grab a drink with Juniper or something.” I can’t deal with this right now.
“But I thought we were going to go on the treasure hunt,” he says, reaching out to stop me. “Mia.”
“I think I’m going to go to Kona Ice by myself.” I know I’m running away, but I don’t know what else to do. This has all gotten so complicated so quickly. We’ve crossed so many lines that I thought we’d never cross, and it has all been fun and games until everything started to feel too real.
“Oh.” That one word made my heart pound. His expression made me want to throw up. I couldn’t read his eyes, but I could sense that he, like me, wanted to say so much more than we were saying. How had we gotten here? How were we not able to communicate properly with each other?
“I think that makes sense.” I don’t really think it makes sense, but I don’t know what else to say.
“But don’t you think that we—”
“I don’t think that we should do anything right now, Luke. You just enjoy your time in the hotel room. I’m going to spend the afternoon and evening alone.”
“I’m sorry, Mia.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, Luke. This is not on you.”
It’s on both of us. We have equal parts in fucking this up.