21. Charlie
All those same feelings have returned. Everything I suffered when Troy left ten years ago—all the pain, anger, and anguish—has come back to consume me. After such a length of time, I never thought I would experience such depths of despair again.
Even when I found out Eddy had cheated on me, I didn’t feel this broken. But then, I never loved Eddy like I loved Troy. Or should I say, I love Troy? Because I do love him. I never stopped, not really. When he left, I pushed what I felt deep down, packed it into a trunk, and buried it deep in a place where I could lose it.
Since his return, the chest has been pried open. Just a tiny crack at first, but the more time I’ve spent with him, the larger the gap became, until eventually, the lid was thrown back as I remembered how much he meant to me. How much I adored him.
Maybe my ignoring his messages and calls is childish. But it doesn’t feel childish to me. I’m protecting myself. My walls are up again, thicker and taller than ever before. He’s hurt me again, and I let that happen. I won’t allow it to happen a third time, though.
After I ran out of Dad’s house, he tried calling me a few times, too. I ignored him as much as I ignored Troy. When the initial shock was over, I thought about his part in all of this. After everything I had done for him growing up. All the cleaning, cooking, picking up after him, cleaning up his vomit when he had drunk too much, all of it. How does he repay me? By sending the one man I love away.
He is as responsible as Troy for my heartbreak. And he’s kept it from me all these years. Back then, when I was devastated, Dad blamed Troy. He made a point of telling me what a bad guy he was, how he never trusted him, and how I could do so much better.
Of course, there was never any comfort. His only daughter was devastated beyond words, but not once did he hug me or tell me that it would all be all right. Who knows? Maybe it was guilt, though I don’t think Dad feels that emotion too often. I do know he was delighted when Troy left. He didn’t try too hard to hide that fact.
I went to see Milly yesterday. She was working a half day, and I texted her, telling her I needed to meet her. She suggested coffee, but I refused. I couldn’t know that I wasn’t going to break down again, and in this small town, that news would have spread like wildfire in a drought.
“Let’s go for a drive,” I said when I picked her up.
She gave me a quizzical look. “All right.”
I drove us out of town. It took a good twenty minutes before Milly’s desperate need to know what was going on burst from her.
“Something happened, right? Is it something between you and Troy?”
I nodded but kept driving. In my peripheral vision, I could see her brow furrow.
“Is it bad? Like, really bad?”
“Uh-huh,” I mumbled.
I continued driving until we reached a small wood with a parking lot overlooking a lake. I’ve gone there many times to gather my thoughts. When I turned the engine off, I sat for a minute, just staring out through the windshield.
“Oh, my Lord, Charlie,” Milly gasped. “Please tell me what’s happened. I can see that you’re devastated. What did Troy do?”
“Actually,” I said, “it’s what he didn’t do.”
Milly was staring at me, her eyes wide and a worried expression dancing on her face. “Okay. What didn’t he do?” she said eagerly.
“He didn’t tell me the truth, Milly,” I said, feeling my throat tighten again.
My eyes were stinging, and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t suppress the overwhelming feeling. Once more, sobs burst from me, which resulted in Milly throwing her arms around me.
We sat there for some time, me crying, Milly comforting, until there were no more tears to cry. When I finally gathered myself after much sniffling, I was finally able to speak. I told her the whole story; the shopping trip, what Dad had said at the house, and to give her some perspective, I added what Troy had told me when I asked him why he had left.
Milly listened intently, nodding at some parts and grimacing at others, until eventually, I came to the end.
“Maybe if he had just told me the truth, Milly, I could understand. But…” I tried to find the right words. “I don’t know. How am I ever supposed to trust him again?”
Milly didn’t answer. She held my hands in hers and looked at me sympathetically.
I couldn’t blame her for not having anything to say. I mean, what are you supposed to say to something like that? But something irked me about her reaction. I tried to figure out what seemed so unnatural.
Milly is an excitable person at the best of times, and her lack of response was so out of character. I mean, what I had told her was pretty darn shocking. As my mind searched for a reason, I came to the only conclusion that made any sense.
“You knew,” I said.
My closest friend dropped her gaze for a split second and then looked sadly back at me and nodded.
“But, why—?”
“I only discovered it about six months after Troy left,” she cut me off. “We were on a call, and I mentioned your name a few times. He asked me not to, then told me what had happened. I’ll admit, I was angry at the time. But years passed, and the anger faded. Honestly, Charlie, I just thought it was for the best. More than that, it wasn’t my place to tell you.”
“But you’re my best friend.”
“And Troy is my brother, and your father is… well, your father. I had no right to repeat something that I wasn’t involved in. I’m sorry if that makes you angry with me. But as geeky and nuts as I can be at times, my principles are really important to me.”
I know that to be true. Milly has always been super ethical. It’s one of the reasons I love her. How could I now hold that against her? She was right. It wasn’t her story to tell.
“What has Troy said?” Milly asked.
I shook my head. “I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday.”
Milly frowned. “And he hasn’t noticed?”
“Oh, he’s noticed,” I replied. “He’s sent me texts; he’s tried to call; he even came to the house. I couldn’t face him. I know that probably sounds childish, but I’m just so devastated.”
“It doesn’t sound childish at all,” Milly said sadly. “He hurt you badly once before. You’re only trying to protect yourself.”
Milly knows me too well.
I sniffled and wiped my nose with a tissue I had tucked in my purse. “I just don’t know why he didn’t tell me the truth when I asked him.”
Milly shook her head. “Me either. It’s not like him. But whatever his reasons, he was still wrong to lie to you.”
Neither of us spoke for a long time, and then I heard Milly taking a deep breath. “So, is it over?” she asked tentatively. “Is there no coming back from this?”
The truth was, I didn’t fully know the answer to that question. Dad’s rendition of what happened ten years ago hadn’t exactly filled me with confidence. Apart from the lies, Troy didn’t even try to fight for me. He didn’t want to change for me, either. I can understand that last part. In my eyes, there was nothing to change. But to just walk away without a word?
And now he has come back, ready to start a whole new chapter of his life, and he just picks me up along the way. I know it’s not as clear-cut as that, but if he really wants this relationship, if he really loves me, why did he lie? It’s the lie I can’t get past.
When I dropped Milly off later, she gave me a huge, caring hug and told me she loved me. She also assured me that if Troy contacted her, she wouldn’t breathe a word.
“If that story wasn’t mine to tell all those years ago, then neither is this one.”
* * *
I had to force myself to go to work today. Not for Troy, but another client. I’m afraid that Troy is going to have to find another person to decorate his precious restaurant. I just can’t do it. It was difficult to put on a fa?ade for the other client, but I reminded myself that this was my business, and I couldn’t let a little thing like a broken heart ruin that.
I’ve barely noticed whether Troy’s truck has been in his driveway the last couple of days, but when I get home, I see it isn’t there, and relief floods through me. I’ve managed to avoid him so far, but how long that’s going to last, I don’t know.
I’m standing at the kitchen window watching the rain hammer down onto the backyard when a sudden thumping on my front door makes me jump out of my skin. With my heart pumping a little too fast, I look down the hallway and see a looming shadow through the frosted glass. I know who it is, but I’m not going to answer.
I watch his arm lift again.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
“I know you’re in there, Charlie. I know you can hear me. I’m not leaving until you speak to me. If I have to stand out here all night, I will.”
I know Troy Heaton is stubborn. I also know he means every word.
Darn it.
I tentatively move toward the front door, pulling a light cardigan across my body. His hand raises, and just as he’s about to knock again, I unlock the door and open it.
He’s standing there, getting completely soaked, looking at me with pitiful sadness. “Can I come in?”
Well, I can hardly refuse him, can I?
I step back, but not too far, allowing him to step into the entryway but go no further. He closes the door over behind him, and stands there, dripping onto my wooden floor.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
“What do you want to talk about?” I ask brusquely, folding my arms protectively across my body.
“Charlie, please. What’s going on? Clearly, I’ve done something wrong, but I can’t fix it if you won’t tell me what it is.”
“Who says I want you to fix it?” I ask icily.
His eyes fly wide open. “Don’t you?”
I continue to glare at him.
“Talk to me. Please, Charlie. If you want me to walk out of your life and never come back, then that’s what I’ll do.”
I can see he doesn’t really want that, but at this moment, I don’t care.
“You mean like you did ten years ago?” I hiss.
“That was different.”
“Of course it was,” I snap sarcastically. “My dad told you to leave, and so you left.”
Troy’s jaw drops, and a stillness washes over him.
“Yes. He told me everything. Unlike you. I gave you an opportunity to tell me the truth, but instead, you lied.”
“Charlie—”
“There are no second chances, Troy. You devastated me ten years ago, and you’ve done exactly the same now that you’re back. I was an idiot to believe I could be happy with you. Now, I want you to leave.”
“Will you not—?”
I point toward the door, cutting him off. “Now, Troy. If you have any feelings for me at all, you’ll do as I ask.”
He drops his head in disappointment, and without another word, he turns and walks back out into the pouring rain. When I slam the door closed behind him, I fall against it. The devastation I managed to hide from him overwhelms me, and after losing the battle with that familiar agonizing tightness in my throat, the tears begin again.