23. Charlie
I can’t go and see Dad today. I just can’t face him after last week. Instead, I call Mr. Shore, give him a list of the usual stuff Dad gets—it’s practically the same thing every week—and pay for him to deliver it to Dad’s house.
“Everything all right, Charlie?” Mr. Shore asks after he’s confirmed the order.
“Sure,” I lie, my tone far too high to make it convincing. “Just super busy right now, Mr. Shore.”
When I hang up, I wrap the blanket around my body again and slump back into a funk. That’s what I’m “super busy” doing. Sitting here, slowly slipping into a depression, and feeling like my world has crashed down around my ears.
My emotions have my head turned upside down. It’s been a week since the big revelation, and apart from Troy coming around to speak to me, I haven’t seen him. Part of me is completely disappointed. Part of me is angry that he hasn’t tried to knock my door down and fight for what we had. But then, he never fought ten years ago. Why would he try now?
The other part of me, the angry part, doesn’t want to lay eyes on him. That part is glad he’s gotten the message. But as angry as I am, I still miss him. It feels like I’m empty. Like my whole purpose for living has just gone up in smoke.
Stupid, I know. I had a perfectly purposeful life before Troy returned, but like I said, my feelings are all over the place, and I feel like I’m going mad. Maybe I would go mad if I had the energy to make the effort. But I don’t.
I remember this devastation well. It feels exactly the same as it did ten years ago. The only difference is that I’m older. That should be a good thing. Maybe I should handle this better with my maturity. But apparently, it doesn’t work like that. Despair feels the same, no matter what age you are.
I’ve even canceled on my clients this week. It’s not just Dad I can’t face. Clearly, I can’t tolerate being around anyone. The fa?ade I put on last week was too much effort, and besides, I’m worried I’ll break down in tears. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. It comes on so quickly that I hardly get a chance to catch my breath.
My appetite’s gone, my energy’s gone, my purpose is gone. Why does heartbreak wreck every single part of your life?
Because it’s heartbreak, Charlie.
It’s a mess, is what it is. I’m a mess. My life is a mess. Everything is just a great big mess.
Dad calls later, but I ignore his call. He’s phoned every day since I stormed out, but I’m in no mood to speak to him. Maybe he thought he’d see me today for sure like he has every Wednesday for the last four years. But I’m still mad at him.
Having long days of reflection has actually made me angrier with him. I was seventeen years old when he sent Troy away. Old enough to make my own darn life decisions. Actually, older than most seventeen-year-olds, after what I’d suffered. I didn’t just lose my mother, I became her replacement, and he let it happen. Forced to grow up pretty fast, I don’t remember having much of a childhood after that.
So, I was mature enough to get the groceries, make his meals, and clean the house, but not mature enough to choose who I wanted to be with? He had no right. He had no business talking to Troy behind my back. The more I’ve thought about that, the more I’ve realized he had an ulterior motive.
When I was with Troy, I finally began to realize I could have a life outside the family home. I’d spend less time with Dad and more time with Troy. Now, it makes sense. Dad was scared I was going to leave him for Troy. He was scared I was going to make a life of my own, and he would have to look after himself. In his selfishness, he sent Troy away so that I would be stuck there for as long as he could keep me. And that’s exactly what happened.
I must have dozed off because the thumping sound reverberating on my front door wakes me with a start. My heart is beating like a drum in a St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Partly to do with the fact I’ve just been shocked awake, partly to do with the fear I’m feeling about who might be at my door.
Huddled under my blanket on the couch, I stay as still as I can. Maybe if I don’t answer, whoever it is will go away.
What if it’s Troy?
What if it is Troy? Do I really care?
Yes, you do.
Yes, I know I do, but do I care enough to want to speak to him? Besides, I’m a mess. I haven’t showered in three days, my hair is greasy, and I’m in scruffy PJs. There’s no way I want to see him looking like this. It’s not just vanity. A part of me doesn’t want him to know that I’m hurting so bad.
Pride comes just before a fall.
Yes, well, I think I’ve fallen far enough already. There’s not much further for me to go.
“Charlie. Are you in there?” Milly’s voice seeps through my front door. “I know you’re in there. Your car’s in the driveway. Come on. Let me in.”
I nearly breathe a sigh of relief, until I remember that I don’t really want to see anyone. But Milly is as stubborn as her brother. Besides, she knows where I keep my spare key. If I don’t go and open the front door, she’ll just let herself in, anyway.
With the blanket draped around my shoulders, I shuffle to the front door and open it a tiny bit.
Milly looks concerned. “Hey, chick,” she says softly. “Can I come in?”
I pull the door wider, hiding behind it so no one else who might happen to be passing by can see the state of me.
“Cute blanket,” she says when I close the door again.
I lead the way into the living room and dump myself back onto the couch. Milly flops down onto an armchair across the room.
“How’ve you been?” She’s trying to keep her tone light, but I can see the concern written all over her face.
“Just peachy,” I reply sarcastically.
“Hm. I can see that. You want to get dressed and go out for a coffee?”
I shake my head. “Not today, Milly. Maybe another time.”
“Another time when your heart isn’t in a billion pieces, and you’re not completely devastated, you mean,” she says knowingly.
“Something like that.”
She doesn’t say anything for a while, and I’m too sullen to keep a conversation going, so the silence hangs in the room for a few minutes. She straightens herself on the chair, then looks at me intently.
“I came around to check on you, but I’m also here for another reason.”
Shocker. She’s here to convince me to give Troy another try. I know my best friend as well as she knows herself.
“Not interested,” I say.
“You haven’t heard what I’m going to say yet.”
“I know what you’re going to say,” I reply confidently.
“Okay. But… can I ask you something? It’s important.”
I sigh, already tired of having to converse. “Sure.”
“I need to know that you remember what your dad said exactly.”
I frown at her. “What do you mean, exactly?”
“Well, you told me that he said he’d told Troy the only way he could be with you was if he changed. He said that Troy didn’t even try and fight for you. That he just left. Is that exactly what your dad said?”
I’m now curious as to why Milly is asking, and I nod. “That’s what he said exactly.”
Milly continues to look at me. “Right. It’s just… that’s not what happened.”
“What?”
“Mom and Dad had me bring Troy to the house yesterday. He’s in a bad state, and you know, they’re worried.”
“I feel so sorry for him,” I snap sarcastically.
“Remember when I told you in the car the other day that Troy told me what your Dad had said after he left?” she continues, ignoring my derision.
I nod, even though I’m angry that she’s bringing Troy’s pain up when I’m clearly suffering.
“Well, he didn’t mention anything about having a choice back then. When he was at our house yesterday, I asked him again what your dad said. And he repeated the same line as before.”
“So?” I press, the frustration rising.
“Your dad didn’t give Troy any chances to change, Charlie. He just told him to leave, or he was going to move and take you with him. Troy couldn’t bear the thought of you being torn away from your friends, so he did what he had to do.”
“Then Troy’s lying,” I counter.
Milly looks at me disbelievingly. “Oh, come on, Charlie. You know how he felt about you. Do you truly believe, if there was a chance to stay with you, he wouldn’t have taken it?”
I know the answer, but I pretend I’m thinking about it. I need a moment to get this right in my head. If Dad hadn’t given Troy a chance, then why did he tell me he did?
He’s a world-class liar, remember? Think about it. He’s played exactly the same game before. He’s scared you’ll leave him for Troy, and he has managed to split you apart—again.
“Won’t you give Troy a chance to tell his side of the story?” Milly asks gently.
“He still lied, Milly. Even if my twisted, sadistic father lied through his teeth, so did Troy.”
“He had his reasons for that.”
“Which were?”
“That’s for him to explain, Charlie.”
I heave a huge sigh. I’m so torn. I know perfectly well that if I let Troy explain his way out of this, my heart will just melt, and I’ll take him back. But is that really what I want? He lied to my face. Do I want a relationship with a person who can’t be honest with me, for any reason?
“Troy’s talking about moving out of town,” Milly says when I don’t answer.
My eyes fly wide open. “What?”
She shrugs, and I can see that the sadness she’s displaying is genuine. “He says he can’t live here and see you every day. He says it will destroy him. He’s considering giving up the restaurant and starting again somewhere else.”
Milly’s words are a hard slap in the face. And suddenly, like a startling awakening, I realize I’d be even more devastated if Troy left.
“He can’t do that,” I blurt.
“None of us can stop him,” she counters. “He won’t listen to me, or Mom, or Dad. It’s funny.” Milly smirks mirthlessly. “The two of you both look as devastated as each other. He’s over there moping in his house, and you’re here moping in yours. You’re fifty feet apart, but it’s like an unfathomable chasm between you.”
Milly is right. There is a chasm between us. A chasm I created. I’ve been so hung up on being told a lie that I’ve forgotten everything else.
Forgotten or ignored?
Yes. Maybe I’ve been a bit of an idiot. Even more so because I believed my dad’s words without even checking if they were true.
“He can’t leave,” I say again.
Milly tilts her head. “You’re the only one who can stop him, chick.”
I am, and I know it. For the first time in days, the fuzziness in my mind begins to clear, and with this new information that my rational mind knows to be true, I begin to see things clearly.
“Then I guess that’s what I’ll have to do,” I say.